Heidi Priebe ✍️🌷
@HeidiPriebe1
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January is not the month for starting a new life, sorry. You’re thinking of April or September. January is a Sunday afternoon. It is for sleeping in, making cinnamon rolls, having sex and reading bad fiction books. Any work you get done this month is a bonus. You’re welcome.
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Something I find very relationally skillful is when people know how to be the right degree of open about their problems, even to relative strangers. Like there’s a very specific approach to it that can foster quick but not inappropriate intimacy. I want to learn that skill.
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A big reason why half the world is saying they have trauma lately & the other half is like ‘that’s not trauma, wtf’ is bc nobody wants to accept that the societies we live in are just not at all conducive to human flourishing but we haven’t named that type of suffering yet.
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When I notice avoidant behavior patterning creeping in (forgetting to respond to certain people, etc.), it usually helps me to pinpoint what state I’m imagining I’d have to be in in order to effectively interact with the person or situation I’m neglecting.
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Approaching relationships from a place of authenticity & getting abandoned is actually a much more manageable pain than the pain of spending one’s life distorting oneself in an attempt to avoid abandonment. The 1st pain is clean & direct. The 2nd is dull, muddled & never-ending.
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Gentle reminder that treating people the way you'd like to be treated isn't love, it's projection.
Treating people the way they'd like to be treated is love.
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Once when I had a super jarring/unexpected breakup, a particular friend just came over (or found something for us to do together) every day for the 2 weeks following. She didn't ask if I needed that. She just assumed & kept showing up.
I was so raw & it felt tremendously loving.
when my friends have a breakup, my first instinct is to tell them, they can come work with me, eat with me, sleep over with me. this is not a time for them to be alone. same when they’re physically sick
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I actually do believe that imposter syndrome is often pointing toward a skill deficit - just not in the area we’re consciously focusing on, which is why it feels so confusing.
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Early emotional abuse & neglect are perhaps the most unlucky forms of trauma to have suffered, as they rarely get recognized and treated for what they are. The individual is usually not seen as traumatized but as crazy, ungrateful etc. & shamed for their reactions to the abuse.
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Perpetually annoyed that one must go through the phase of ‘not knowing what comes next’ in order to discover what comes next.
Even more annoyed to routinely discover that this is the only way to live a life that is meaningful or true.
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I REALLY hate the stereotype that avoidant attachment causes people to randomly lose interest in relationships by some magical attachment voodoo. There is a logic to avoidants losing interest. It goes like this:
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Something that massively increases my trust in people is when I see indications that they are aware of/have done integration around their sociopathic & narcissistic parts (I.e. they are aware/not denying of their capacity to detach from empathy & can tell when it’s happening ).
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A counterintuitive approach I’ve adopted for hard times is to deny myself any coping mechanisms that are even remotely numbing. I have to rawdog my way through big pain. That way, I feel it fully & have to change. Rather than slowly making the unbearable bearable & acclimatizing.
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Gen Z fashion finally clicked for me when I realized that unlike millennial fashion, the goal is not to just look as skinny as humanely possible.
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One of the most helpful framings I've ever heard on heartbreak (of any sort) is that we stay heartbroken for exactly as long as we stay afraid of stepping into what's next.
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One of the things that feels truly spiritual/otherworldly to me is the massive burst of creative energy that gets unleashed every time I finally align with a really hard truth I’ve been avoiding. In my life, creativity and truth seem to be one and the same entity.
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This is often a *very* difficult but genuinely life-changing perspective shift for those who err anxious on the attachment spectrum.
people with low self worth hurt others without understanding why… because they struggle to imagine that their actions are that meaningful
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I don't think trauma/attachment/'healing' work is popular right now because Millenials + Gen Zs are 'softer' than previous generations. I think it's largely because high-level thought work (which is currently very profitable) requires a relatively regulated nervous system.
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When I was younger I had a rule for myself that I couldn't complain about something not working out until I had made at least 30 whole-ass attempts at it. I still feel comforted by this rule - not bc it circumnavigates pain over failed attempts but bc it puts them in perspective.
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Once went to a training where the leader pointed at a patch of the wall that was painted black & went ‘When someone has depression, they are seeing this part of the wall. Our job isn’t to convince them it’s not black. It is. Our job is to get them to see the rest of the wall.’
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The only way I’ve found to stay consistently productive in a creative/intellectual field is to bake boredom into my routine in a completely non-negotiable way.
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The main question I ask myself when considering which relationships to invest in/persist with at this point in my life is: Does more truth make this relationship better or worse?
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I hate how cliche it is but one of the most powerful alchemical tools we have available to us as humans really is gratitude. Placing attention on the here-ness and the goodness of things transforms them/us so viscerally it's a bit insane.
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I remember tweeting about this one time and a bunch of people being like 'Oh you don't mean BOREDOM though, you must mean something else that is secretly productive' & I just kept having to be like 'No seriously, it's boredom. I promise.'
People tend to find their calling when they have the time to get really bored (link in next tweet)
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CPTSD is really just a term for having to bear the unbearable: that which can’t be soothed or managed through socially acceptable means, so must be soothed and managed through socially unacceptable means, which leads to further, steadily compounding problems.
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The funniest complaint I regularly see online is people getting angry at people who take over 24 hours to respond to forms of virtual communication.
There is no one I am rooting for harder than people who take 24+ hours to text back.
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This exact framing - applied not just to laziness but to any undesirable behavior - has:
(a) changed my life massively (including, ironically, making me WAY more consistently productive) &
(b) shown me the true & tangible value of yin energy (after a lifetime of dismissing it)
Instead of asking yourself why you’re so lazy, ask yourself why you might need so much rest
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The most transformational therapy sessions I’ve had can mostly be boiled down to the format of me being like ‘hello please give me skills for not feeling this thing’ and my therapist being like ‘no.’
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Something that helps me stay out of perfectionistic patterning is telling myself that the days when I can only give it 50-70% are the most important days bc that's when the chain of consistency is most vulnerable/susceptible to breaking. And excellence requires that consistency.
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I recently sent a message to a friend apologizing for falling off the face of the earth for a while and she sent me a message back that included the line ‘Sometimes we need periods of disconnection just as badly as we need periods of connection.’ I loved that *so* much.
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The cost of intimacy is disenchantment (with whichever ideals you were holding about yourself and the other).
The reward of intimacy is a new sense of enchantment with the raw, gritty core of the human experience (and its inherent tenacity).
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The ease of sharing stories about yourself in an outcome-controlled way & calling it intimacy, vs the vulnerability of feeling into what’s alive in a given moment between yourself & another person and following that energy to the point where it might actually change you.
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A phrase I wish I’d learned to say way earlier in life: “Because we haven’t been able to resolve things that have hurt me in this relationship, I feel constant resentment. I find myself keeping score & wanting to hurt you back. I don’t want to be that person, so I need to leave.”
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The simplest thing I believe about life is that everybody, without exception, flourishes when they are deeply and genuinely loved.
I also believe that everybody withers when they are projected onto (negatively *or* positively) and told the projection is love.
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Usually what I find is that I’m telling myself the story I can only effectively engage with that person/thing by adopting a false persona. My real resistance is not to them but to *my own inauthenticity.*
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The problem is that when enough yellow lights pile up, they break through into conscious awareness - often all at once, as some form of digust or annoyance response. Suddenly the avoidant may feel flooded with negative affect towards their partner but struggle to understand why.
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For as long as I’ve been alive and cognizant of my own value judgments, the quality of my life has been directly proportionate to the quality of my friendships.
2-5 good friends (or a lack thereof) can make or break an entire life. This is the hill I die on.
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I like the conversation around this.
When I was 28 I noticed that mentally/emotionally, I felt like I hadn’t aged much past 22. I clocked that as a problem and started doing a lot of work around intentionally maturing.
It’s nice to feel 32 at 32.
When I was 22 I fell in love with someone 20 years older. He told me he felt forever 23. It bothered me. I didn’t want to be feeling 23 at 42. Seems like a nightmare. At 36 I feel 36. I feel every age, I also feel ageless and infinite, like I’ve lived and died countless lives. 🤷🏻♀️
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Thinking about how there is not a dating game. There are two dating games: or two leagues. One is the Secure League, which is subject-driven. The other is the Insecure League, which is object-driven. Most dating ploys (pick-up artistry etc.) assume only the latter league exists.
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One of the clearest principles I’ve come across in life is that truth is the trump card in any game worth playing.
Reliably, if the only way to get what I want is to manipulate and distort, it’s a sign that I am playing a stupid game which will only ever lead to stupid prizes.
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Why inferiority complexes have the tendency to make people kind of mean, actually.
People are at their cruelest when they believe they are "punching up"
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"What will allow me to stay in connection with this person without resenting them" is such a powerful question for figuring where your boundaries lie.
It's also a pretty neutral way to communicate them. "I don't want to feel resentful so here are the lines I need to draw."
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The most woo-woo but real attachment healing advice I have is: Find the thing your soul wants so badly that you are willing to put your ego aside and genuinely change for it.
If you can do this, almost everything else becomes intuitive (not easy, but intuitive) en route.
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I.e. I had mad imposter syndrome when I started working for really rich people in my 20s. It took me some time to realize that the anxiety wasn’t about my work itself, it was about navigating the norms of a social class I wasn’t familiar with. I had a true skill gap there.
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Trauma is the closest word people have for ‘my body is responding properly to an abnormal circumstance.’
The flawed premise that gave rise to the disease model of mental illness is the premise that our capitalistic values are healthy conditions for humans to be adjusted to.
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The thing about avoidance is that it’s not a fear of commitment point blank so much as it’s an emotional anesthetizing of certain parts of the self that are required for deep self knowledge, & deep self knowledge is necessary for choosing compatible partners.
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One of the most powerful skills you can master - especially if you are a woman - is the skill of being super fucking accurate and precise when you are expressing anger.
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Most convos around inner child/re-parenting work focus heavily on joy, spontaneity & play. Which is great. But: a common form of parental neglect is failing to provide children with adequate structure, discipline & protection. That's also a *crucial* part of re-parenting work.
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I was at an event recently where we were analyzing what was preventing us from taking certain risks & I realized that my entire risk management process is actually just a shame management process (the more shame I anticipate myself encountering if I fail, the less risk I assume).
fear isn't the mindkiller, shame is
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I think a lot of women learned early on (as I imagine I did) to objectify their own bodies & treat their appearance as a separate entity from their self-hood. Almost like we’re wearing our bodies as accessories rather than stepping into them and expressing ourselves through them.
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I am never more jumpy, distracted & otherwise upregulated as I am when my system is trying to avoid feeling shame.
Back when toxic shame ruled my life, I would chronically experience the flight response and just assumed it was my personality (others assumed it was ADHD).
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I don’t believe we feel anything randomly or for no reason. So if you are confident in your work but still feel like an imposter when you’re recognized or hired to do it, consider what *is* novel about the situation.
You probably *are* navigating new territory in some respect.
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The only truly useful question I've found to ask myself when I notice addictive behaviors or thought patterns cropping up is, 'Where am I not being fully honest?'
I have found that even the worst truths don't want to be numbed out. Only resistance to the truth does.
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I like to think of love (romantic, platonic, whatever) as the experience of two people being undefended around each other in any given moment.
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‘It is rare for people to come into themselves if no one is excited and curious about their core.’
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The fact that we generally do not, in western culture, treat sex & sexuality as innately spiritual, is insane.
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Being able to cry easily (after ~30 years of emotional constipation) has genuinely improved my quality of life so much. Like, emotions (even the really hard, really heavy ones) actually *move,* in my system now. They do not just stay stuck in place permanently(??)
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Just do that thing you're afraid of and if it doesn't work out, remember that we're all on a giant rock floating through space and in 100 years everyone who knows you will be dead.
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I can’t believe how much aesthetics matter to me at this point in my life. It’s like I just woke up one morning and realized I can only think clearly in beautiful spaces.
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Avoidants naturally, unconsciously suppress negative affect.
When secure people are entering into relationships, they notice traits in their partners that feel like green, red AND yellow lights. Avoidants notice green & red lights but usually not yellow ones (small concerns).
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It’s something like signaling to the other: I see you as competent and trustworthy and am offering my problem up as a non-surfacey but also low stakes thing for us to connect on. I am showing you that I’m open to your input & also open to you bringing in problems.
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Yesss, this is something I’ve been trying to put into words for so long.
The biggest life hack is making sure you get your dopamine exclusively from activities that move you closer to your ideal life.
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Healing from avoidant attachment is not just gaining the ability to be in relationship, it's gaining the ability to be in relationship with someone you see as your true equal (no bullshitting here) and whom you do not have significant, inherent power over.
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But! Often I am wrong. And people’s capacity for holding authenticity is deeper than I expect. In those situations, examining my own avoidance leads me directly to the heart of some area where I am still unintegrated. I.e. the block is that I’m avoiding being honest with myself.
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I think part of the reason pop culture gets narcissism so wrong is bc it focuses solely on the conventionally attractive/successful person with narcissistic wounding and misses the SWATHS of people whose narcissistic wounds keep them perpetually at the bottom of the food chain.
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Gonna spell this out:
Having a sense of meaning & purpose makes even the hardest parts of life feel bearable.
Lacking a sense of meaning & purpose makes even the easiest parts of life feel unbearable.
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The last stage of my healing journey really does seem to be mourning the fantasy of what I thought it would mean to arrive here.
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However, this is not a *random trigger based on nothing.* There are *real* annoyances, frustrations & concerns about relational fit that have been unconsciously piling. They simply didn't get delivered one-by-one to the conscious mind like they would have for a secure person.
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Sure idealizing people is fun but have you tried staying present with the entirety of who someone is and watched your love for them steadily deepen as they come ever more clearly into view?
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A lot of people have shame around being flakey or not keeping promises but the underlying problem is not moral badness, it's being out of touch with their inner "yes's" & "no's" (often bc being asked for something puts them in a freeze response which makes it hard to hear those).
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Self-regulation is like 10% calming yourself down when you're upset, 90% designing your life in a way that keeps your locus of control internal.
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If I could boil secure relating down to one primary law, it would be: Only have close relationships with people you have genuine respect for - both intellectually and morally.
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This resonates. I didn’t start feeling like an ‘adult’ until I got serious about:
1. Examining the impact I was having on other people/the world.
2. Thinking soberly about whether it was the impact I wanted to be having.
3. Intentionally changing the ways in which it wasn’t.
I've tweeted this before, but I don't relate to this mindset at all.
Being an adult is not feeling like you "know" everything it's the realization that even in situations of "unknowing" you have agency. You take responsibility for yourself and others.
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Real-time emotional processing is such a wild thing (as someone who came to it quite late in life). Like I spent the whole weekend breaking into tears on & off and then today, life feels beautiful & hopeful & light again. I like this staying on the page with reality.
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The health of a relationship is largely just dependent upon how each person acts when their ego gets bruised.
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The art of continuously reminding myself that as long as I'm alive, I'm on this bus.
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I think what many (most?) people intuitively feel is: I am not relaxed, attuned to or at home within my body. I feel stressed, tense, neurotic, emotionally blunted and then at other times explosive.
This can give way to neurotic behaviours that we label as mental illnesses.
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Not answering my message within the expected time frame? Yes, bestie. Untether yourself from the matrix. Return to the wilderness. Befriend the wolves. Throw your phone into the river. I will be fine here, save yourself.
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Most of the success I've experienced in any domain of life can be chalked up to the fact that my favorite feeling on earth is 'becoming competent at something I was once incompetent at.'
That moment when something that was once mysterious just *clicks.* It's like no other high.
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Chronic shame makes hiding out and feigning superiority seem like a better option than reaching out and forming connections. I think millennials have a shame epidemic going on and the loneliness epidemic will only shift when we acknowledge and start working on that.
I can’t stand the overwhelmingly millennial cultural voice that says, “don’t just show up at my house for a visit don’t call me on the phone don’t ask me to drive you to the airport or help you move” you murdered community spirit & then started talking about a loneliness epidemic
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Worth noting: in some cases, I am right. There are indeed people and circumstances that are not equipped to handle/hold certain types of authenticity. A persona may be the only way to avoid unresolvable conflict/chaos.
Those situations it kind of works to intentionally avoid.
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The problem is not always predominantly that the avoidant is deactivated. It's that *low relational/emotional awareness* caused them to miss a lot of legitimate signs of poor-fit early on. If partnered with someone anxious, they may be completely oblivious to those signs as well.
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I’ve been taking stock of my life (so far) & a pattern I’ve noticed is that all of the best things that have happened to me in life have come on the other side of deciding that ‘this thing (this person/this situation/this me) does not have to be perfect for me to love it.’
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Part of emotional regulation is also noticing when dysregulation is the natural response to a given situation and changing the situation.
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An interesting frame shift I’ve noticed my brain naturally making over the past few years is that I’ve stopped seeing trauma work as a matter of self-improvement and have started seeing it as a matter of social responsibility.
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Recently had a conversation with a friend who said, roughly: 'When working on increasing our agency it's important to work on increasing our attunement in equal measure' and I absolutely cannot stop thinking about that.
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‘Ready to get hurt again’ not as in ‘ready to take a chance,’ as in, ‘begrudgingly aware that caring about anything is inherently vulnerable & therefore guarantees pain but we sort of just choose our full aliveness or we don’t.
And the latter gets boring.’
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The last time I lost someone I was in love with, I asked myself the question ‘What if I just… stayed in love?’
What if I kept all the energies that person brought out in me alive and online as I move forward without them?
Life became & remained indescribably beautiful.
the heartbreak of “you lost me”.
the joy of “you opened me”.
the beauty of being mirrors, conduits, and companions in this magnificent journey of life.
I am everything & nothing. I see you in the same light.
I love being able to shine.
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Show me a millennial woman who won’t give up her skinny jeans and I will show you the psychological remnants of early 2000s anorexia culture.
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I keep thinking (after seeing a tweet about it recently) how the periods of my life where I’ve been single but part of an active community have been some of the happiest times in my life & the periods where I’ve been partnered but community-less have been some of the loneliest.
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A word for periods of time where your structures of meaning feel… not collapsed but sort of loosened/disoriented. Like you are existentially drunk.
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You can only ever have partial closeness or intimacy with someone who is lying to themselves in some major way.
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The most compassionate thing we can do for others is learn to take our own pain incredibly seriously.
If we don't, we will either lack empathy for others' struggles OR get way over-involved in them as a means of trying to heal ourselves through them. Both are highly destructive.
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The opposite of being a people-pleaser is not being an asshole. It’s being secure enough in what you think and feel to no longer need either the unconditional approval of or the unequivocal *proving wrong of* others in order to trust and feel okay about yourself.
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This is true even non ironically. As in, sometimes we really do have to wait until we’re in safer/more adaptive environments to process old emotions we’ve repressed and that can be a feature of the system, not a bug.
there’s nothing really “wrong” with repressing certain emotions… as long as you’re okay with those emotions getting stronger and more persistent as a result
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People get so mad when psychologists suggest that ADHD + childhood trauma are related. But why? It makes perfect sense. Chronic hypervigilence and chronic dissociation are both normal response to complex trauma. No one can focus deeply when the body is stuck in survival mode.
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God dividing himself into billions of pieces in order to observe himself: haha this will be so great, very insightful. I will certainly not deal with the pain of being inherently disconnected from other beings by inventing pizza delivery apps and drinking poison.
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Something I'm working on integrating lately is the value of hopelessness. I notice that if I don't allow myself to completely lose hope in specific areas (when hope has genuinely run its course), the resistance will morph into a depressive episode.
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But I think that many are realizing the behaviours are symptoms and the war with our instincts is where the real challenge lies. So we call our neuroses trauma responses, which is, in a lot of cases, sort of accurate sort of not. It’s a death by a thousand cuts situation.
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The main reason I didn’t get meditation for most of my life (including periods where I practiced it daily) was bc I saw it as avoidance+.
When I started understanding mindfulness as the willingness to *experience and stay present with* whatever arises, it got HARD. And powerful.
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