Halle Kiefer
@HalleKiefer
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Following
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lesbo 🏳️🌈 @ruinedpodcast @crookedmedia Please god, if you haven't already, register to vote:
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Pinned Tweet
shout out to all the devil’s advocates! you guys did it
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Just have Jane Krakowski play Samantha Jones and never address it on the show, obviously.
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Alright, I'm going to admit it: I don't get the little knob that people are putting on the backs of their cell phones. I've asked people about it and they say, "It's to hold it" and I say, "What?" and then they just sort of hold it out at me and that's as far as I've gotten.
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Hi everyone! Just wanted to post in the most awkward way imaginable to social media during a long weekend (!!!!) that I am gay. Anyway, that is what's new with me. If you're a Ruined listener, Dave will be segueing to the title Ex-Boyfriend of the Pod, and we remain dear friends
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If anyone is experiencing headaches, please keep in mind you've been grinding your teeth for nine days straight
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Have her announce she's had "a little work done" during quarantine, to which Miranda gasps, "You look like a completely different person!," and honestly you're good to go
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The fact "Mr. Sandman" cites Pagliacci and Liberace as two prime examples of a dream man is all the explanation you need as to why those poor, simple girls have to beg a night demon for a date in the first place.
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Quick! There hasn't been a mass shooting for a hot minute! Let's talk about gun control now before another one happens!
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Hey! A bit of news! I'm starting as a senior writer for
@crookedmedia
and Lovett or Leave It next week! It's intimidating to be following in the footsteps of
@travishelwig
but I'm also honored to be taking up the mantle as the new Tug.
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Truly cannot wait to see the look on my date's face.
This earthquake-proof bed may look scary but it can save your life 🏚😱
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Me, whispering to you from beyond the grave: A female-driven Dennis the Menace reboot called Denise the Menise
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DJ Leaving My Baby in a Hot Car, Even Though I Don't Have a Baby OR a Car
Your DJ name is "DJ" + your biggest fear. Who are you?
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My grandfather was killed putting on a perfect smokey eye, so this is all really hard for me.
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Oh, I'll accept the terms, but I'll be DAMNED if I accept the conditions!
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@Nicole_Cliffe
I'd been sleeping with the guy I lost my virginity to for a bit, when one night he turned to me and said, "You have what I think is my ideal body type for a woman," then he shook his head and said, completely seriously, "If only I could find someone with your body I could date."
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Congratulations to Buffalo Bill Hardy!
Tom Hardy and his wife Charlotte Riley have had a baby boy and named him after one of your favourite film characters
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I'm gonna make myself look real skinny on Tinder, then when the guy shows up I'll laugh and all the pie chunks will fall out of my mouth.
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@ArielDumas
I was literally just asking myself WTF is going on with these nytimes recipe comments as I was chowing down on generously buttered noodles, sprinkled with just a quarter cup of parsley for color and freshness, which are the perfect blank canvas for practically any stew or braise.
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Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm reevaluating men I overlooked in my youth. For example, I'd probably fuck that smart gremlin from Gremlins 2.
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@DanSpenser
The number of people suggesting Weekend at Purgey's (or even Weekend at PURGIE'S!!!) is insane. The title is obviously Weekend Before The Purge At Bernie's. Simple. Elegant. Doesn't contain THE WORD PURGIE'S.
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Jack Hanna did my brother's college graduation, and gave a lovely commencement speech about overcoming dyslexia. Then he said, "Enough about me! Time for the animals!" and the crowd went apeshit as he brought out a cheetah. Five stars, I remember no other speeches of any kind
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What is your favorite Lonely Island lyric? Mine is either "'Cause every Mother's Day needs a Mother's Night" or "This is the second best idea that we ever had" from Motherlover.
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Society owes a huge debt to the person who coined the term "down to clown."
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This is the most Lorde shit I can imagine. You couldn’t write a more perfect character trait
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@bransonreese
I wish everyone replying to this about the actual texture of sharkskin would walk into the big wetness
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Look, no one is saying it, so I guess I have to: they’re making apples too goddamn big now
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for sale: baby tap shoes. this baby can't dance for shit.
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Just a reminder that Natalie Portman is starring in an upcoming movie inspired by Astronaut Diaper Lady. That is all.
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I feel terribly for the family in The Haunting of Hill House, but on the other hand, maybe being collectively the hottest people in the world is some consolation?
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Wow, this tweet kind of blew up! Check out 2001's Josie and the Pussycats movie, as it is a perfect film.
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As a cis person, Jordan Peterson videos really have been a Rosetta Stone for understanding conservatives’ panic around gender. He literally cannot stand his own emotional reaction, so his response is to flee discomfort, to run from feeling and, in doing so, run from understanding
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I hope you're all happy! Regular Yoda read all your Baby Yoda tweets and he's sobbing so hard, he's refusing to come out of his trailer!
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Also, 70% of the TikTok videos I used to get were of older women explaining how they found they were gay later in life. Yes queen, I said!!!! Then I deleted TikTok because I was spending too much time on it!!!!!!!!!! Mortification, this world, this flesh
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Anywho, please, please talk to your friends and loved ones about comp het at your earliest convenience. The life you save... could be my own!
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If you know me and feel targeted by a joke I tell, please know it's definitely not about you. I have much meaner, more specific jokes about you that I think in my head, but would never, ever say in public! I promise!
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I finally saw The Last Jedi and can't wait to read everyone's think piece on it JK I LOVE HAVING FUN AND IT WAS A BLAST I WILL TEAR MY EYES OUT BEFORE I READ A GODDAMN WORD
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What the hell kind of Benny Hill ass prison is she in?!
Ghislaine Maxwell reportedly moved from 'cell to cell' to avoid assassins
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Whyyy would Katherine Heigl apologize to Seth Rogen for calling Knocked Up sexist? He didn't write it. Also, it is.
Seth Rogen calls truce with Katherine Heigl over
#KnockedUp
, but still would like an apology
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GOOP suggested using a jade egg to strengthen my pelvic floor, but I didn't have one so I used a turtle egg and now I have to teach all these little turtles to swim, and my body is not beach ready!
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When I Googled "comp het," the first link I got was from Cosmo, and it was actually very helpful! Life is humiliating. Anywho, hope you're all staying cool out there!
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@Jill_Jorgensen
@terrencemcd
Wow! Now I want to know if the unpleasantness predates Cynthia Nixon's 30 Rock appearance, or if they had to actively avoid each other on set. Either way, I pray they can put it aside when Michael Patrick King reads my tweet and books Jane!
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@Nicole_Cliffe
In one of NYC's fine haunted houses, a drippy ghoul tried to push me into a pitch black room alone. "Lady, you paid for the ticket," he said sotto voce and I screamed, "NO PLEASE I GOT IT FREE FROM WORK" in front of a crowd of extremely non-scared strangers.
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Am I crowdsourcing how to be old and gay? Yes, please help! I already watched all the Old Gays videos and they don't cover a lot of stuff!!!
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WHO though? Would dare! Look at that fold!
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My sexual fetish, like everyone else, is to be publicly humiliated by the Moon Pie Twitter account.
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I literally Googled ‘comp het’ like I was an 11-year-old Buzzfeed reader in 2014, so if you're a queer person, please feel free to send any thoughts or ideas my way, no matter how basic they might seem
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At what point in the Barbie writing process did Greta Gerwig see Barb And Star Go To Del Mar?
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You know, if Dave had never DMed me, I might not have found a relationship as healing, felt supported in going back to therapy, and realized I was queer. So in this way, Twitter made me gay, and if nothing else, if this is the end, everyone over there should feel proud of that
Twitter actually kinda rocked because I met
@HalleKiefer
on Twitter and almost married her. Now she's a beautiful lesbian. That's a happy ending where I come from!
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Well, my sister-in-law's sister wore a "9/11 Was An Inside Job" t-shirt to Christmas morning.
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I waited until I was in my seat on the plane to eat my edible, and now the flight is delayed “for a couple hours” while they check the pipes, so I think I’m just going to take off vertically like a helicopter and fly to L.A. on my own dime
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Between this and facial recognition, new technology clearly just amplifies the police's most reprehensible, violating impulses. This is demented
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Icon
@deadeyebrakeman
channeling Kyrsten Sinema with 100% accuracy at
@crookedmedia
’s first live
#LovettorLeaveIt
after so, so very long
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Horrific fucking headline, absolute dog shit, but an excellent reminder that libraries are vital and necessary and (like all good things apparently!!!) endangered by conservative malignity
New York libraries have waded into America’s culture wars by directly lending 25,000 books to non-residents since spring, including thousands of students living under the bans
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We’re so beautiful!!!
it’s a beautiful day to walk out of work and into a fair contract!
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We all made fun of Marilyn Manson for getting his ribs removed so he could suck his own dick, but who's having the last, muffled laugh during quarantine, huh?
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I saw people tweeting about minors going to pride, and the idea that a child could be mentally scarred from seeing some weird gay dudes one time is some bizarre Victorian misunderstanding of human existence.
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I'm working hard to project love and empathy to everyone I interact with in the new year, which is hard because a lot of you are epic trash
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Could you please write a book called Keep It and it's just essays about things you think are trash,
@ira
?
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@ArielDumas
ARIEL! This is nuts but also better than if she found out and in that moment realized she had wasted her entire life
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I keep seeing people flipping out over that Colin Jost/ScarJo baby headline on Vulture, and just wanted to share MY perfect ScarJost Vulture headline
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Every time I hear it, it's like the first time all over again.
This is the best name and job description in all of tv writing history.
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I took a quiz on which Sex And The City character I am and it turns out I'm Steve Mom's when she brought her own beer to Brady's birthday
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Just once I'd like someone to come down to where I work and slap the dick INTO my mouth.
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When it comes to interiors, James Wan is the Nancy Meyers of horror
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Okay, but when I have an orgasm in Katz's Deli, I don't make a such a big deal out of it
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Malia Obama is out here smoking and kissing because she's COOL, and that's cool stuff to do. What do you absolute nerds want from her? Not to be cool? Grow up. Get a life.
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Because sexual health and sexual pleasure are a normal part of human life, not some horrific act like the religious right is determined to convince all of us they are!
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If anyone needs help with the health insurance website between now and 1/31, let me know and I will happily sit down with you
#GetCoveredNYC
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As a woman, there's nothing I love talking about more than where my hot friend went and if she's coming back.
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Please say eat baked beans, PLEASE say eat baked beans...
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Got asked out by a guy in college, but he wanted the movie to be a surprise. Cut to us watching The Passion of the Christ. The woman in front of us broke down and left during the film, and we drove home in silence
What’s the worst movie you’ve seen while on a date? Not in terms of movie quality, but appropriate “date” content. For me: Spotlight or The Lobster.
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They can do or say literally whatever they want, I’m still going to fuck those M&Ms
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There's nothing worse than completing a day of healthy, nutritious eating only to remember you have to eat that way every day until you die.
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Well hey!
@JesseDavidFox
and I wrote a pilot that was selected for this year's NYTVF. See everybody in July!
JUST ANNOUNCED! 21 scripts selected for
#NYTVF2018
- congrats to the writers and thx to
@DEADLINE
for the shout-out!
#makeithere
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Will retweet every time, the best tweet on here, hands down, no question
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
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❤️ ❤️ ❤️
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This is my favorite meme of all time? Can it be?
HIM: "my dick is so big it stretches vaginas"
VAGINAS:
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If you know me, you know it didn't occur to me it would win, so I had to go up and accept it with wet hair, looking like shit! Thanks for having us,
@nytvf
!
Best Comedy Script is a tie between "Granted" written by Alison Barton and
@bonnie_dennison
and "The Curse" written by
@hallekiefer
and
@jessedavidfox
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Oh hey! Itsa me! Thank you
@nytvf
!
The
#NYTVF2018
#OfficialSelectionHighlight
of the hour is "The Curse," a comedy with a sex-curse twist, written by
@HalleKiefer
and
@JesseDavidFox
#MakeItHere
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Suspiria FUCKED ME UP, you guys. I feel caffeinated and on edge. I feel like I'm going to scream and Tilda Swinton will materialize in the room.
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I have never worked for a company whose message I actually believed in, and I have never worked with such incredible, smart, compassionate people committed to progressive media. I am truly honored to unionize with all of you!
Hey there. We, the staff of Crooked Media, have formed a union. Here’s why.
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I feel like if you threw a blanket over Donald Trump, he would think it's night time and fall asleep. We could at least give it a try?
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IMO the only flaw in Yellowjackets is the supposition that voters would care if a politician committed cannibalism
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well, I clicked through and, don’t worry, your assumptions are correct: the de-aging process DOES involving shocking his penis with electricity
Millionaire biohacker Bryan Johnson, 46, claims he has reverse-aged his PENIS by 15 years
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The best tweet of all time
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
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@dave_schilling
I know this isn't the point of the tweet, but I'm not dying for Twitter to know we order take-out from Taco Bell
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In 2018 I'm going to bring back saying "weeeeeeeeee wee wee wee" when I snore, while a single feather gently puffs into the air every time I exhale.
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The documentary doesn't really get into it, but do you think Slenderman is Jewish?
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The first Lovett Or Leave It episode I got to write for, and with a long-dead celebrity cosmonaut?! What a get!
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Is this the best impression of all time, is the question?
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@benkling
I couldn't find the exact moment, but there is a frame in the basement during the alien invasion that made me the woman I am today.
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