Elliott Kalan
@ElliottKalan
Followers
25,248
Following
1,141
Media
186
Statuses
19,008
Writer/Podcaster. Looms large in the American imagination. Go do something today to help someone.
New York City
Joined January 2010
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Zuckerberg
• 765281 Tweets
Oasis
• 647657 Tweets
Switch
• 311277 Tweets
Sonic
• 291590 Tweets
Shadow
• 264333 Tweets
الفتح
• 228196 Tweets
روما
• 221547 Tweets
Canadá
• 219986 Tweets
ニンダイ
• 150677 Tweets
Colapinto
• 119544 Tweets
Logan
• 73571 Tweets
Sancho
• 65103 Tweets
リマスター
• 64290 Tweets
Sterling
• 63792 Tweets
Young Boys
• 58400 Tweets
Ferdi
• 54633 Tweets
Rayo
• 54042 Tweets
Mercadona
• 53641 Tweets
Toney
• 49537 Tweets
グレイセス
• 47981 Tweets
#GSvYB
• 42805 Tweets
#النصر_الفيحاء
• 34659 Tweets
Yolun
• 33874 Tweets
#325days
• 33717 Tweets
ときメモ
• 28566 Tweets
Okan
• 27254 Tweets
Keith Lee
• 25173 Tweets
Kerem
• 16765 Tweets
Saúl
• 14364 Tweets
野人転生
• 10663 Tweets
Don't even try telling me there's nothing going on between Mama Berenstain Bear and the family dentist.
108
4K
14K
It looks like Jesus is telling them he wants a good, clean fight
14
705
9K
@DineshDSouza
@PreetBharara
You’re saying racial solidarity should trump established laws and civil standards? You really ARE a conservative Republican!
31
101
3K
People: “I wish I had a program that told me when my friends’ birthdays are.”
Facebook: “Cool, what if it also destabilized democracy?”
1
230
2K
I’m tired of hearing Bert & Ernie are gay lovers, when they are clearly just two gay men who are ROOMMATES.
18
47
2K
My eighteen month old calls rice “gice”, and we tried to correct him but he refused to say “rice”, and now everyone in the family calls rice “gice” as if we always called it that, and that’s basically the story of the Trump presidency.
22
183
2K
MONDAY (aka TOMORROW): I'm scheduled to be a contestant on
@Jeopardy
, America's favorite knowledge-based game show! Tune in to find out if I'm as smart as I pretend to be!
69
42
1K
The sound of thousands of writers rushing to Bob’s Big Boy to get one last meal on Drew Carey’s tab.
Deal! WGA, AMPTP Reach Historic Contract Agreement to End 146-Day Walkout
67
2K
7K
3
98
1K
So if I’m understanding correctly:
Big Government Overreach = Schools, roads, medicine, not being shot
Not Big Government Overreach = Saying which adults can’t get married, telling you your gender, letting police officers kill you for no reason, war
Got it. Thanks,
@GOP
!
11
262
1K
I've said it before, I'll say it again: If your election strategy is to make it harder for people to vote, then you are the bad guy.
7
218
994
JOKER is the story of a man who wants to be a stand-up comedian despite the fact that he is obviously meant to be a talented dancer.
7
86
963
To all those wishing harm, planning harm, or actively performing harm on those exercising their right to protest:
These are not “insurgents”. These are not “terrorists”.
These are your neighbors. These are your coworkers. These are your fellow citizens.
5
142
818
"Collusion" doesn't have to be a listed as a crime. "TREASON" is a crime.
The same way "hurling someone into the sun" isn't listed as a crime, because "MURDER" is a crime.
14
117
775
ABC just ran the text “Imagine Dragons in New Orleans”, and that’s exactly what I’m doing, and it’s amazing. A ton of winged serpents chomping down on beignets.
14
147
783
My five year old son just heard “Scarlett Johansson” and asked “Who’s Scarlet Jim Henson?” and now I will spend the rest of my life seeking the answer to that question.
25
51
778
GOP after close win: "We are the anointed of God."
Dems after close win: "We suck. Does this even count? You know what, give it to the other guys."
9
124
755
I’m having the same conversations about vaccination that I used to have about losing my virginity: “Did you hear Matt got vaccinated? What, YOU got vaccinated?! How?! Oh man, I’m NEVER gonna get it...”
20
34
744
To be fair to
@POTUS
if Andrew Jackson HAD served later there WOULDN'T have been a Civil War because he was a slave owner who loved slavery.
21
224
722
I think I have a specific disgust for Ben Shapiro because as a fellow lonely, articulate nerd I might have become him if I hadn’t developed imagination, empathy, and a basic sense of humor.
14
36
680
I really wish Carpenter’s THE THING had been a success so he could have made a sequel called ANOTHER THING, and then a third movie called ONE MORE THING aka COLUMBO VS. THE THING.
36
71
639
Best parts about being on
@Jeopardy
:
1) Got to talk about my Grandma Barbara (who turned 92 last week) and managed to stop myself from accidentally blurting out her address
2) Everyone there was super-nice - cast, crew, and contestants
3) Making this face on national TV:
33
19
630
38 year old dad me has a message for 16 year old not-dad me: “Turns out the Ewok stuff in ROTJ works really well. Stop fighting it.”
27
13
623
In 2020, the only campaign promise I want to hear is: “If you elect me you will sometimes have whole days where you won’t have to think about me.” THAT WILL GET MY VOTE.
10
85
616
When do we reclassify Putin from "man pulling Trump's strings" to "yet another contractor Trump has decided not to pay for his work"?
7
223
568
Dreamed last night that I started a
#MBMBaM
commentary podcast called “My Brother, My Brother, and Me and Me”.
@JustinMcElroy
, do I have your blessing or do I do this thing totally unauthorized?
19
22
580
Yesterday my 4 year old said, “Warren G Harding? More like Warren G Farting.” I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER.
14
44
567
POLITICAL REMINDER: If your election strategy is "make it harder for other people to vote", then you are the bad guy.
6
186
567
1: For anyone having trouble celebrating today in view of the halting, confusing, depressing state of progress in our country — keep in mind there’s a reason this is not called “America Day” but “Independence Day”.
16
175
546
I love that this letter from Cary Grant to a cheese maker is written exactly how you expect Cary Grant would write a letter to a cheese maker:
21
104
537
If you’re wondering if I am counting the days until
@theflophousepod
can do the Cats movie, then wonder no more. The answer is yes.
15
12
520
Saying the Nazis were leftists because they called themselves “National Socialists” is like saying I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is butter because the name includes the word “butter”.
8
83
495
Dear Disney Trailers Department: In what sense can DUMBO, a remake of a 77 year-old movie based on a story by Helen Aberson and Harold Pearl, be considered "from the imagination of Tim Burton"? Love, Me
15
55
492
We’ve had dumb presidents. We’ve had lazy presidents. We’ve had criminal presidents. We’ve had incompetent presidents. But you’ve gotta give
@realDonaldTrump
credit for being our first dumb, lazy, incompetent criminal president.
#HistoricFirsts
15
52
493
To put the election results into nerd terms: looks like we threw the ring into Mount Doom but we've still got to scour the Shire.
10
95
495
“Thoughts and prayers” will be for teens today what “Mission Accomplished” was to my generation. Basic shorthand for “authority is lying to you right now”.
6
118
484
I get more satisfaction than I should from knowing President Trump must have a hell of a time on the toilet. The guy eats a lot of beef, and it’s not like he’s losing himself in a good book in there. Just sitting and straining for minutes on end, getting mad at his phone.
30
72
476
I have intense admiration for President Biden and the decision he's made, despite it stepping on what would have otherwise been the top story of the hour: my taking over HARLEY QUINN for DC Comics.
36
20
496
The original Willy Wonka movie is way more hardcore than the book. The book has a scene at the end with all the bad kids to show you they’ll be okay. The movie is just like “Fuck those kids, they’re candy now, you’ll never see them again.”
7
30
474
Thank you so much to all the anonymous Americans who worked so hard and went through so much to vote, all to make this moment happen. You did your part when we needed you, and I will be forever grateful.
4
47
471
Ultimate power is when people are too afraid to tell you not to name a character “Count Dooku”.
17
32
464
When can we stop using neutered language like “wealth inequality” and go back to saying useful things like “robber barons” and “fatcats”?
13
92
445
On second thought, it is KINDA weird that I, a tiny comedy writer, have made more visits to American troops in an active war zone than the President of the United States. Maybe...I should be president?
21
31
448
1/ This thread will sway nobody who doesn't already agree with me (which most of my followers already do) but I feel the need to say it anyway:
@POTUS
's policies are not just cruel in the present. They deny us the American patriots of the future.
7
121
443
Note: Identifying hypocrisy doesn't work against people who genuinely believe there should be different rules for different kinds of people.
4
107
437
I don’t want to break the internet, but the crossover event of the CENTURY is going on at my house courtesy of my toddler.
25
33
452
It only took a week and a half of social distancing to undo decades of
@GOP
work hiding that their basic ideology is “Money Is More Important Than Humans”.
3
92
436
Honestly, maybe the evangelical voters have it right. President Trump’s been a cruel, bullying, piece of garbage his whole life and God has only rewarded him for it, so maybe that’s what God wants and the Ten Commandments were meant to be sarcastic this whole time.
18
80
418
I have wasted way too much time trying to figure out the best tweet about Terry Gross’s shock jock alter ego Gross Terry.
12
27
415
It’s easy to forget that July 4th commemorates an act of writing. America is a country written into existence. America continues to be a story we write together.
7
91
419
Dr. Octopus's Razor tells us that the cause of any problem is most likely that blasted, meddling Spider-Man.
5
65
417
Ten years ago today, I married the love of my life and the best person that I know. There are so many reasons to be angry, frustrated, and saddened by the world right now, but she is the guiding light that keeps me moving forward.
7
0
416
Facebook is basically if you went into a bookstore and no matter what you asked for they handed you Mein Kampf.
7
58
417
One thing I’ll say about Avengers: Endgame is I miss the days when superhero movies had an inexplicable, unrelated pop music tie-in.
Where is this generation’s Kissed By A Rose?!
30
35
407
Can’t wait for this Willy Wonka prequel movie so we can finally learn what would cause someone to like candy.
12
36
414
tfw you realize Jerry Seinfeld owns CHILD’S PLAY 2 on VHS
29
22
402
I like it when our government helps people who need help. They don’t have to help me in the exact same way, because the government will help me in the way I need it when I need it.
I like helping people, and I like it when our government helps people, too.
The end.
7
35
402
If the flip side of all that “entitled millennial” stuff is a generation of kids who aren’t afraid to call senators out on their bullshit, then I’m okay with it.
2
49
395
Twitter is the most effective system ever invented for bringing me infuriating political statements from people I otherwise would have never known existed.
8
27
398
Incidentally, as we watched our wedding video today, all my 6 year old cared about was seeing
@dankmccoy
. “There’s Dan!” he would shout every single time. No interest in any members of his actual family.
11
6
399
PARENTS OF KIDS: Go to
@netflix
and show them THE WHO WAS SHOW. It’s about history. It’s silly. Marie Curie gets her own action franchise. If you have half as much fun watching it as I had working on it, you’ll love it. Usually people don’t mean that when they say it, but I DO!
26
38
398
This isn't a new thing, but it IS messed up that "caring about other people" is a partisan issue.
5
57
385
All this time we thought Pres. Trump was a bully. Turns out he’s just the bully’s sniveling sidekick who gets knocked in the pool with the bully at the end of the movie.
14
56
373
I know a lot of people are worried about the state of our country, but on the bright side, the entire history of humanity is but a meaningless blip in a cold, random universe.
#SilverLinings
13
43
377
So we’re all assuming at this point that Donald Trump takes drugs before his speeches, right?
31
6
377
By impeaching Trump twice, Congressional Democrats are hitting his legacy with a powerful weapon: Americans’ inability to remember more than one piece of trivia about each president.
13
31
377
First they came for the semi automatic weapons, and I said nothing because I was not a semiautomatic weapon.
And then everyone was safer.
THE END
4
47
365
My son asked me tonight about what it says on the Statue of Liberty, and it was nice to realize that long after
@realDonaldTrump
is a half-remembered piece of pub quiz trivia, those words will still be there and my descendants will have their chance to do them justice.
9
43
368
There are finally as many Asian women with acting Oscars as there are “guys who won an Oscar for playing the Joker” with acting Oscars.
4
62
371
Can we talk about how your brain can instantly calculate exactly the amount of force your arms will need to pick up a bewildering variety of differently-weighted objects? Let’s hear it for whatever part of the brain does that!
19
29
366
I was ridiculously lucky in getting to work on two whole seasons of my favorite show with some of my heroes and a lot of wonderful people I’m really blessed to get to know. Dreams come true, people of Twitter!
If you didn't see the backer update, I announced today that
#MST3K
is not doing a third season for Netflix. It's not the end of MST3K, It's just the end of the first chapter of bringing back MST3K.
313
567
4K
10
12
362
Not that anyone is really unaware of this, but federal officers kidnapping people for their political beliefs is EXACTLY WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE TALKING ABOUT NOT WANTING.
2
69
366
Yesterday, my wife looked at me and said what I’ve fantasized about for years: “I want to watch ALIEN.”
15
13
361
Liberals are snowflakes: Beautifully unique indivudually, and when enough of us get together we can shut anything down.
12
99
348
Absolute power is when nobody has the guts to tell you that your weird signature makes it look like the company is named "Gisney".
11
28
367
“December 7, 1941. A day which will blow over when the weather gets warmer.” — FDR trying not to panic anyone
6
39
356
Realizing now that if liberals had just pretended to be against masks they would have been rebranded “freedom faces” by conservatives and we wouldn’t be having this problem.
4
56
354
The lengths
@realDonaldTrump
is going to to distract us from the Russia story REALLY makes me want to know more about the Russia story.
9
125
332
I am not a fan of judging someone purely on their haircut, but I’m just saying in Matt Gaetz’s case it would have saved everybody a lot of time.
3
22
345
I don’t like to curse in my political comments, but seriously, fuck this piece of shit.
Dear Democrats: You cannot save America if you don’t even believe in her.
39K
11K
56K
9
18
349
My son just asked if a butler is “someone who kicks butts.”
I have the best son.
11
11
331
I’m onboard with any movie where Luke Skywalker guzzles warm sneetch milk fresh from the udder.
22
17
322
"Sure, the last guy who rode that tiger got mauled by the tiger. But I'm pretty sure I can ride that tiger." -- everyone in the Trump WH
9
79
319
When are we getting the Forrest Gump sequel where he gets really into Qanon and starts showing up at Trump rallies and Capitol stormings?
15
12
323
@CHSommers
Feel free to reach out! I’d hate for you to be trapped in an unnecessarily glib understanding of the Americans who will inherit the world your generation produced. And I’d hate for younger people to wrongly assume you’re full of foolish, unremitting hostility towards them.
4
7
295
I’ve been doing this podcast with two of my best friends for over a decade. It’s given me some amazing experiences, and made some of my dreams come true. If you’ve never listened before, give it a try now!
EPISODE 300! THE WICKER MAN REMAKE! CAGEMAS! THE RETURN OF HALLIE! AAAAAHH!
14
32
242
7
24
316
Democrat: (moves chess piece) Queen takes pawn.
Republican: (knocks over table, stomps on chess pieces, vomits all over floor, smashes windows with fists, lights house on fire)
Media: Clearly, the chess system is broken
7
45
313
We’re making progress! Feeling good about our chances on the third impeachment!
7
24
316
Not to underplay the horror, but Paul Ryan and
@POTUS
's big legislative achievement was to convince THEIR OWN PARTY to pass a shitty bill?
8
84
301
Every story about
@POTUS
is less confusing if you simply add "(a very stupid man)" after his first mention. For example: "President Donald Trump (a very stupid man) is demanding a nuclear agreement with Iran after unilaterally scuttling our previous nuclear agreement with Iran."
3
60
304
Whoever did the closed captioning for BAD TASTE is NOT messing around.
13
38
306
I’m not saying I have the best kids, I’m just saying they’re suddenly super interested in Peter Lorre. Draw your own conclusions.
22
7
311