Debbie
@Debbie8t5
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Messy but delightful. A bit of a trifle. I'm trying to be kinder to others and to myself. Currently in Anorexia recovery.
Yorkshire and the Humber
Joined April 2022
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I've spent most of my life fighting mental illness and eating disorders and it's tiring.
17 years ago to this very day I was in a psych hospital. Today I am in a psych hospital.
My whole life has been wasted fighting one self destruction or another.
I am exhausted, defeated.
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@JeremyVineOn5
I'm not a Harry Potter fan, but there's no denying it's success and that them books will become classics. Yes, she deserves to be seen as a national treasure and a role model.
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@DrEvans_Health
Some of the comments are just as disturbing as the original post. A lack of kindness towards fellow humans.
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@adilray
Yes, it does feel like some are more obsessed with her than they care to admit. Every decision she makes, has to be theorised, debated and judged. We have no right to question her motives, she's no longer a working member of the Royal family.
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Calories on everything. Green lights and cheerful fonts on everything low calorie. Red lights and "know your serving size" on anything higher calorie. All I can do in AN recovery is try not to look or ignore it. But it's bloody hard when your mind has turned into a calculator
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I just want to thank everyone who has supported me here during me documenting my struggle with anorexia & recovery. I would understand if people lose hope and patience with me. But because people continue to support me, it helps me stay motivated and hopeful.
Thank you 😊
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People who say "I skipped breakfast" like it's a flex.
Have no idea of the sad and slippery slope they could be sliding down.
*It's not a flex*
#EatingDisorders
#Recovery
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Forgive the creases. I don't have access to an iron in here. I'm trying not to fall apart.
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Bye Anorexia. You've taken up too much of my life. This is the last Summer I spend hiding away with my refeeding indigestion, bloat and constipation.
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Yes, eating disorders can be very manipulative.
But professionals need to remember that there is a person within the disorder & not always assume the patient to be lying or that everything about them is related to the ED. Put the tick box chart away & start listening/thinking.
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@seanbeegee
That's what I say to people, you can fight off a vicious chihuahua, but you can't fight off a dog that's stronger than a human.
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@LeeCraddock12
I don't understand how they can do this. The v doesn't prevent you from getting infected and passing it on.
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The perils of getting caught up in self importance. Easiest thing would be for them to resign and work seperately on other shows. Otherwise they'll have to ride it out, but I don't see it blowing over.
#HollyandPhil
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Researched Louis Theroux Talking with Anorexia. It still strikes me how everything the patients are saying is either something I have said or that I have heard others say. We are all different, but the illness has made us so similar. Yet, this illness isolates us too.
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⚠️ Calories ⚠️
I used to always get the Caramel Macchiato or Cappuccino at Tim Hortons because they were half the calories of my favourite drink French Vanilla. I now get the French Vanilla and forget the calories.
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The dietitian has overruled the nurses to allow me chocolate spread on toast without the butter.
The manager nurse as vengeance decided to dictate the order in what I ate on my plate tonight. As I wasn't complying, she told me to leave the room and I wasn't allowed a pudding.
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Fear food win 😊. It's been a tough week, but I said to my dietician I would make a goal for introducing more savoury food. So a Cheese Twist, I couldn't face people watching me nibble at it in Costa, so I got it to take home. I was slow, but I conquered.
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I've had some tough appointments this week. I don't sleep the night before and have anxiety attacks over them. I feel drained. But this week I challenged porridge and remembered that I do actually like porridge especially fruity flavoured porridge.
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I'm free ... for now. After 20 difficult days I am allowed to go on "reflective leave" until Thursday. I went in with the threat of sectioning and an NG tube if things deteriorated further. It's been a dreadful time, but I'm hoping Thursday will be the end of it.
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Quick trip to Doncaster. McDonalds for breakfast, tried a cookie instead of my usual muffin. It was difficult, but necessary for ED recovery means regularly testing the limits of your comfort zone.
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Eating disorder recovery is a full time effort. That ED voice slips back in so naturally at the sign of any stress, heightened anxiety or depression.
Despite everything I have been through this past month, or even this past year. I have to still keep shutting that ED voice down.
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"Just eat properly" they say.
Easier said than done. Firstly what is proper or normal, when you've spent most your adult/teen life disordered. Plus popular media is always pushing restriction as "healthy".
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My first full day at home, I need to make sure I am eating regularly and taking my medicines as prescribed. So when I get my physical checks done on the ward on Thursday I can prove that I can take care of myself at home.
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My daughter is doing her Biology GCSE today. I am sad that I couldn't be at home to wish her good luck. But I hope it goes well for her, cos she has worked so hard and is stressed with revision, family rows & worrying about me. Good luck to everyone else doing their exam today 🍀
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💩 day. I've snapped at most people and I don't know why I'm behaving this way other than my head has been spinning all day and I really just need some solitude and calm to process. Apologies will have to wait until clarity is achieved 😞
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No discharge, my weight is not at a level for them to discharge me. But for now I remain on leave, at least until my blood results return. I need all the luck in the world right now please 🙏🙏🙏🍀🤞🍀🤞
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I've not had a McFlurry since they removed the Creme Egg one. So I've plucked up the courage to try a Biscoff McFlurry. Yes, it is as beautiful as it sounds. 😍
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I went back to the ward, but not for long. They worked out my BMI and thankfully I was just at the limit to be able to discharge myself.
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I am a recovering Anorexic, even when I have had a good day of eating or have restored some weight. I am still a recovering Anorexic. This disease has destroyed my body and nearly killed me. I should never be hasty to forget that.
#DebbiesRecovery
#Recovery
#EatingDisorders
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ED⚠️ "Sit with the discomfort." That is the advice I hear the most from recovered anorexics. It's an unbearably hard thing to do. When eating makes you experience negative emotions and bad physical sensations, naturally you would want to avoid experiencing them feelings again...
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I've restored enough weight to lose the wheelchair and be allowed to walk around the ward. But staff are dubious as for whether it is genuine weight restoration or just refeeding "fluid".
They've set a review for another 6 weeks.
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Anorexia robbed me of my periods & therefore robbed me of my fertility. Thankfully I already have 2 beautiful kids. But I have been robbed of any future prospects. & I especially feel for those who have lost their fertility prior to having children.
AN & other EDs are cruel
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If I could go back to the teenage me and give her some advice. I would tell myself to never go on a diet.
My metabolism worked well.
My body functioned well.
I destroyed it.
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First, you decide you don't want to live this way anymore
Second, you make changes.
Third, you continue with the changes.
If you fall, you get back up and start again.
Giving up is not an option.
#recovery
💪
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Colouring to help pass the time. The lady down the corridor continues to scream, thankfully she goes quiet during the night but starts again with the ☀️.
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This morning's drama. The dietitian gave the ok for me having chocolate spread on my toast in a morning. But the nurses said I can only have chocolate spread on my toast, if I have butter on it as well.
Seriously.
And this nutter actually tried it 🤢.
One bite only though 😔
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I physically shake when I eat, I have done so for the past couple of years. I find it so embarrassing.
I will consider it a landmark in recovery when I finally don't shake.
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Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you're not as terrible as you think you are.
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Weigh in day does not get any easier. I was physically shaking in the waiting room. Petrified at the number that so much rides on. I long for the day that I no longer need weighing 😞.
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Aiming for semi recovery, forced or temporary recovery is allowing the Eating Disorder to retain control. The only aim is for full recovery and to free yourself from *ALL* the food "rules" your ED has created and the emotional distress attached to eating.
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⚠️ ED ⚠️
This picture came up on my Facebook memories and it triggered some thoughts. The sickest. A warped internal competition. A desperate attempt to feel validation. To feel that I am no longer the pig AN said I was.
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Just a reminder to myself and anyone else who needs to hear it, no body but you cares if you can wrap your fingers around your upper arm or not
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Up to my eyeballs in anxiety. But the show must go on with the AN challenges. Last week I challenged porridge, this week I am doing it again. Because persistence is key.
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The same people who are meant to be helping me up are keeping me down and I don't know how to get out. Every time I speak about my feelings, I am just told it's my Anorexia talking. It's like other than the AN, I am hollow to them.
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I tried the Whipped Iced White Chocolate Latte
@CostaCoffee
Some people say it tastes like Kinder Bueno. It didn't taste like Kinder to me. But it was still a nice, sweet and refreshing drink for the Summer.
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I've accepted that I've hit a wall with my recovery and am drifting backwards. This is so hard. The ED ward have said there is a bed available for me on the 20th, but I am determined to do my best to turn things around without requiring the admission.
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Taken out for coffee and cake at Starbucks. I tried one of these raspberry and chocolate marshmallows. It was really nice.
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Since I haven't been given any further instructions from the ED service, I went and got weighed and had my bloods done at the GP as normal. I don't want to give them any ammunition to consider me to be "disengaging".
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The last 2 days have been really good for me with physical recovery. I've really pushed through the physical discomfort and emotional barriers. I really hope this turn continues, I feel anxious just typing this in case I jinx it.
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Just thought I would do a little pros/cons of inpatient Anorexia recovery from my experience to date.
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This morning I went to the library to see if there are any community groups suitable for me to join. There isn't anything for me right now, but I will keep an 👀 out.
Then onto McDonald's because I enjoyed the McFlurry I had the other day so much that I decided to try another
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Fine. I left the room with no pudding. This is getting beyond a joke now, how am I supposed to restore weight if I am never left alone to just chuffing eat.
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I've had such a nice weekend with my family. I've ate well, I've played games, I've rested.
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Recovery positive today. I had a McFlurry for the first time in absolutely ages (I don't know how long exactly). Yes, it was only a mini one, but I had one and it was yummy. & A picture of me looking thrilled about it ☺️.
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I honestly feel Wednesday Addams at Summer Camp.
Nurse "Debbie you're expected to join the groups"
Me "I don't do groups, I feel more lonely at groups, than I do when I am alone"
N "That makes no sense"
M "it wouldn't make sense to you"
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Now to colour some birds. The screaming lady is back and screaming. I got weighed this morning and I have slightly lost weight 😔, but apparently this was to be expected as some of my initial gains were likely fluid.
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@InchOrInfinity
As I get older, I find that hope fades. For me, it is no longer a case of recovering from depression but managing it the best I can.
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Advocacy should be available to "informal" or "voluntary" patients. Is this a campaign
@MindCharity
@Rethink_
@beatED
If not, why not?.
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⚠️ ED ⚠️ Effects of semi starvation from the Minnesota experiment. I could tick many of these boxes, though some emotional ones existed even when I wasn't restricting. Worth noting some of these effects persisted months/years after the men were re-fed.
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Thinking of everyone on the Eating Disorder march. I hope the sun is shining and you have a fantastic day of raising awareness. I wish I could be in London with you today, but I'm not strong enough to make the journey.
#DumpTheScales
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I had horrific palpitations last night and went to bed early. This morning it has eased somewhat, so I have gone out for Iced Macadamia Oat Latte and to do some reading on the Minnesota Starvation Study that the psychologist sent me.
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Lots of progress with the butterfly. I feel incredibly low and it's further impounded every time I speak to someone and they insist it's just a part of my ED. For goodness sake, behind the diagnosis is a human being!.
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I had a great session with a new dietitian this morning. She explained weight fluctuations and we made manageable goals to help move me off my current "plateau"
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Just a reminder to myself and anyone else who needs to hear it...
Don't bargain with your Eating Disorder.
#recovery
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After much internal arguing, walking around and fretting. I got a Caramel Macchiato and a Blondie from Starbucks.
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Handy one to remember. I get told "you don't look ill" a lot and i've had "one day you'll grow out of it". (I'm still waiting for one day to come along)
#mentalhealth
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I've had my ED appt and I have things to think about.
My weight has increased slightly and my efforts have been praised.
However these efforts have not been easy and they need to be consistent in order for me to continue recovering.
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@arrivayorkshire
Wednesday 15 June for the next meetings 😯 omg.
@MayorOfWY
Can't you help Unite and Arriva resolve this for the sake of the workers and the passengers.
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@itvFLOD
@AlisonHammond
@Battersea_
@ITV
@MultiStoryTV
To present this show, you need to love dogs just like POG did. I hope Alison loves dogs.
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Just had my 3rd appointment with my new dietician. So far, I think she's fantastic. I feel that she really listens. She treats me as an individual. She praises progress & helps me set realistic goals that I feel that I can win & that will allow us to also progress.
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"Snoozed" a Facebook friend who was bragging that they've lost X amount of weight by skipping meals.
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I joined an online ED group this afternoon. I couldn't contribute anything, but I found listening to others to be valuable. I made notes that I found could be relatable to the causes of my anorexia and the difficulty in recovering.
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I've gone through the discomfort of refeeding diet plans and supplements twice in the past year. I am determined this time will be my last. I am hoping my body will reward my efforts with a bit of trust and healing soon.
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I've decided to stay at home. That was such a hard decision as the admission could've helped spring my ED recovery. But the emotional pull from being away from my family for so long when they need me, was too much.
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Bloods done this morning ✅. And then went and got another berry muffin from McDonalds since I enjoyed the one I had the other day.
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The birds are nearly finished. I'm quite satisfied with the colours on this one. The weight restoration and bloat are starting to make my clothes uncomfortable. But it's the least of my troubles, as I struggle with the treatment from some of the senior staff here.
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I do not cope well with sudden changes of plan or routine 😞 and I tell everyone this. However, whether or not they take me seriously is another thing. But when I have a melt, I feel like such a failure and a lost cause.
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This week I have challenged Porridge (again), cheese strings & Jelly babies. Also I've challenged eating in the early morning or late evening.
I am proud of these little steps forward.
But I know from experience I can't just challenge things once, I need to keep repeating them.
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Yesterday I had a much needed recharge of the mental battery. Kilnsea beach was lovely. Here I am exploring the old Godwin Battery, reclaimed by nature.
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I do wonder if the recovery accounts that spend so much time and effort making their pretty bowls of food "instagramable" actually eat it afterwards 🤔
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