Dale - The 1876 😼🥃🇯🇲
@Dale_Gonsalves
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Following
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Media
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Statuses
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Try and fail, but never fail to try. I got jokes, old Dad jokes, still funny
Jamaica
Joined October 2012
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Send us removal request.
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The one Jamaicanism i'd change is that thing where ppl have a name (not nickname) like Robert and everybody knows him as Robert but Robert is nowhere to be found on his birth certificate.
*think you are going to Robert funeral*
*sees program*
"Theophilus Delroy Alphonso Smith"
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Mi have
Drivers licence
TRN
Voters ID
Birth cerfiticket (sic)
Passport
Visa
Company ID
Credit Card
Pornhub membership card
Bank account
Blood donation card
Virus immunization card
And me still need JP fi sign say ah me ???
Jeez......
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Having KFC is like disappointing sex.
You crave it, run it dung, ketch it and afterwards you're like WTF ? 😢
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@ohrawseclaat
My cousin was doing her hair dresser thing when a man came in with a knife and demanded money. My mad cousin tell him 2 claat and threaten to "dash dis bottle ah acid in him effing face". Man run out quick, she went back to applying the hair gel to her client's hair. 😂
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Whenever a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch just to show them what I am capable of.
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ok - this joke so....
Grandma on a JUTC Bus !
One day an old lady went on a JUTC bus but couldnt get a seat. As the bus drove off the Driver asked, "Grandma yuh HOLD TIGHT?" She replied, "Tighta than yuh Mumma own!"
😂😭😭
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Ex co-worker
Nah tek vaccine, don't believe in it.
Got sick, naw go Dr make him tell no foolishness bout Covid
Collapse at the house, died in Taxi rushing to the hospital.
Nuts I tell you.....☹
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Wife: "What are you doing today ?"
Me: "Nothing"
Wife: "you did that all day yesterday"
Me: "I wasn't finished"
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Wife just showed me a 2 bedroom rental in Cooreville for $ 100,000 per month 🤯
Tell me again how buying my house using a mortgage wasn't a wise investment ? My monthly payment is a 65% discount on that rental, and I have 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms
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Supermarket.......
Got wife watermelon and packaged sugar cane (cause I know she like), low fat cows milk, yadda yadda.
I feel naughty, so I get Cheeto Puffs for me
Reach home and she's "oooh, you got Cheetos for me ?"
I'm "yes dear....." 🙄 maybe she share 😭
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Pep math:
Nikki buys a cake at price mart for $1400. She sells a slice for $800. She gets 10 slices per cake.
If her profit is $600 per cake; and her target is $6.7M; how long until she goes to jail?
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The entire length of Spanish Town Rd from the Industrial Terrace to 6 Miles needs repaving.
It's disgraceful, pothole riddled, uneven, & flooded when it rains.
You come off smooth Mandela and onto a rollercoaster to 3Miles, straight on to more potholes.
Nothing to boast about
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Enough is enough
No more traffic ticket amnesty. We've had 2 in the past and the chaos on the roads continues. Taxi and bus drivers continue their dangerous and wreckless driving, racking up 100+ tickets.
Strike all you want, but let them pay up or hold suspended licences
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Can you believe the things that are happening nowadays?
I was sitting in church and the guy in front of me lit a cigarette, right inside the church!
I was shocked, I almost dropped my rum !
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Friend gave me $ 100,000 last week to pay a bill, bought Fesco at $ 6.17. Going to give him back $ 30,000 and tell him I negotiated a discount for him 😂😭😭
#FinanceTwitterJa
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Who remember when:
1. An ice mint was 1 cent
2. The song "Arlene a mussi dream yu deh dream"
3. When travelling after SIX, the only thing to be afraid of was DUPPY
4. All night TV on holidays
5. "If it's OK, it's Kellys"
6. Long neck Red Stripe bottles
7. Evening People Show
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I posted last year that the electorate will punish the
@jlpjamaica
at the next polls for the massive pay increases given to MPs/Councillors/etc. I'm sure it fired up many to come out and punish the Government
And they deserve it, a piece of damn arrogance on their part
1/
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Ackee and saltfish pizza with bacon and shrimp.
Sister is like "one pizza for you, one for you.."
Everybody get one whole pizza
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A special good morning to my blessed and highly favoured Seventh Day Adventist friends. Do you know if your organization has openings for other positions, such as backshot? Asking for a friend. 🙏
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Mrs and I celebrating our 18th Anniversary today, 23 years together.
I would do it all over again in a Kingston minute ❤️
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Listening the "$ 480,000 lady" on
#RJBTH
and that is 10 minutes totally wasted. I could've made $ 50,000 doing something else. 😕
@djmillerJA
Tone deaf......
Whelp, lesson learnt.
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The secret to using Air Conditioning. Set on "Auto" at 24°C and let it run. Inverter levels it off at 24°C. Trying to get wife to stop switching it on and off when it gets too cold. Just switch off standing fans
I'm using more AC than last year but consuming less kwH 😎
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Went into Constant Spring Tax Office today at 3:05pm to pay for Fitness, for some reason the app is down.
Sat down and 3 minutes later heard my number
3 MINUTES !!!!!
wow !
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I'm sorry, I've never seen anything special about Damion Crawford. I listen carefully many times, and I just don't see it.
I shudder to think of him being in charge of any Ministry in the future
#RJRBTH
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@niecacawley
If it was that simple
Do you know how many people are employed in the distribution trade ? Importation and distribution employ thousands. If T&T stopped exporting here, we couldn't fill the gap
When Jamaica Biscuit Company was up for sale, nobody locally would touch it
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Joke of the day
Sister met a Canadian married to a Jamaica. She says her husband "live in St. Elizabeth and has a huge farm"
Sis was like "good...."
Lady "What's your cute Jamaican nickname ? my husband call me John Crow" 😳🧐🧐
Sister's like "that's NOT a cute nickname" 😭
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1 year ago
@DrNigelClarkeJa
came to my gate and asked my mother for her vote. When I came in, I told her she should've negotiated for the potholes on our avenue to be fixed in exchange. She had not. Come in to see the road being fixed. Kudos Sir, we voted correctly.
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If
@JamaicaConstab
stand at the top of Perkins Blvd and ticket everyone shooting up on the outside of the line of traffic them woulda do weekly quota every day
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Remember when you all you used to hear at budget time was "band you belly, more sacrifice, bitta medicine, run wid it, austerity, negative growth, deficit, increased taxes, make up shortfall " ? Hope we never get back there.
#BudgetDebate2020
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A Policeman visited me yesterday and asked me where I was between 5 and 6
Got very irritated when I answered "probably Kindergarten" 😏
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I DO WHAT I WANT
WHEN I WANT
WHERE I WANT
except, I have to ask my wife first.........
Excuse me a sec..........😬
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Ackee and salt pork with green bananas, yellow yams, irish potatoes and pumpkins
Wife running out to do a house. Making sure she carry breakfast with her
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Girl picked up paid for movie and dinner and dropped me home with a nice long French kiss. Threw me for a loop...recovered quickly and we now celebrating 15th anniversary
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@NBCOlympics
In a supermarket in Kingston watching the race. Disappointment at the end, but everybody giving Sha'Carri her props for running a brilliant race.
🇯🇲 Disappointed but we love a challenge and love what we just witnessed.
Congrats Sha'Carri
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Pls note, re Montrose Rd, right beside Vale Royal. Road sink
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@duttyberryshow
Call her by her name all di while. Man ah bad man, me no afraid, me call her Barbara all ova di place
when she not around. 🤫
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I started working in 1987
I lived through the entire PNP fueled fiasco of the 1990s to the 2000s. I saw the J$ free fall, massive increases in interest rates, businesses ruined.
I don't have to listen to stories, I lived it. One of friend committed suicide over it
Never again
The comrades all give the impression it was greedy bankers and businessmen who brought about FINSAC
Most were honest businessmen who got caught up in a system created and fueled by an incompetent Government. Billions was lost and many families ruined.
Never forget
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@HistoryMuppet
I'm 53 and every evening at 5pm Bob, Luis, Gordon, Maria, Mr. Hooper and all the muppets at Sesame Street came into my home on my little black and white TV in Jamaica and taught how to spell and count, and enjoy learning.
RIP Bob
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@Goffeman
1930s just called. Dem looking fi Desmond. Dem dont want him back, juss looking.....😳
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@PhelisaRicketts
Congratulations
I got my first sales job at 24, got fired at 25. Was told by my General Manager "You're not going to be a good Sales Rep, perhaps Accounts". I told him thanks but "don't do me any favours"
Everytime I win an award, win bonuses, get trophies, I think of him. 😎
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Need job descriptions, measurable KPIs and a mechanism for dismissal for non-performance
NEWS: Government reveals new salaries for members of the political directorate.
PM's basic pay moving from $9.2m to $28.6m; cabinet minister $6.9m to $22.9 - April 2024.
Finance Minister
@NigelClarkeJa
made the disclosure, along with historical context, in the House Tuesday.
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Red Hills Rd, right at the intersection of Whitehall Avenue
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In a Sales Meeting (properly spaced out and masked up) and somebody checked and saw her daughter passing for Wolmers Girls. Jumped up and shout out, entire meeting mashup for a good 20 minutes as everybody start check.
Congrats everyone who passed, parents, take a valium 😂😂😭
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Let's patch Trafalgar Road on Thursday at 12:40pm
Should be a good time to start a massive traffic jam 😠
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Man just a drive past and stop fi ask about selling car ?
All houses close by have cameras
We will be extra vigilant going forward
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@DatTallUteWes
@chevixter
Could've stopped ?
Gave no indication she was going to cross and looking the other way ???
Playing with her life
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@TopStrikerShan
I would take Jamaica Observer's "source" like a grain of salt right now. Speculation and titbits right now. Full story to come.
Can't believe SSL have you money for 10 years and it nah grow
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I wish
@JamaicaObserver
and
@JamaicaGleaner
would use hyperlink in their articles. I could click on a writer's name and access all articles written by him/her only. I could read part 3 of an article and simply click a link to parts 1 and 2.
Come on peeps, modern up di product.
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We are saying you have no say in how they dress as you don't own them.
@ambrosia_omG
With all that being said, are you implying that we want our pregnant women to publicly dress this way?
Or is it just the super wealthy ones who just don't give a fu*k?
One Love Still.
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Tik Tok, Instagram, etc. expose many.
Immature, arrogant, unaware, flippant. An event like this will affect people differently. Many will be anxious, suffer health complications (asthma, etc).
I hope a valuable lesson is learnt by the youngster, "think before you talk"
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Wife laid her father to rest today.
Found a couple more brothers and sisters. Pops belived in "being fruitful and mulitply"
Look after them tho....
Me and wife.
Heng pon har hand tight tight
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@KellyLGregory
@MaryRobinette
Jamaica. Mom had a lump, ovarian cancer, 1 year chemo, surgery, more chemo, ok now. Didnt have to pay for most of it. Couple CT scans (machine at hospital was down), certain specialized blood tests.
Waiting was long at times, but all were professional and pleasant.
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@djmillerJA
So. You will be physically taken to a Customer Service if stopped for say, speeding ? So if 10 people get stop at their regular spot under the tree below Michi, dem going all 10 to the Centre ?? One by one ?? Or just pile dem up and tek a group ??
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Jamaicans nah tyad ah get chap ?
From you hear, "The more you sign up, the more you make" RUN !!
Roughly 50,000 Jamaicans are said to have lost millions in a new Ponzi scheme which crashed on January 29, after operating for a little over a year.
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Always trying to beat the system
Filled up using my company gas card. Friend - "how much left on card ? why don't I give the gas attendant "a thing and sell the rest"
Lectured him "I work a with a wonderful company, pay me well, why would I jeopardize that for a couple bucks ?"
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Yes Bishop
cause it's MPs and Cabinet Ministers who benefit from Labiur Day projects
Abandon the activities planned for the community primary school, don't paint the student crossings....
Wish they would think before they talk
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The comrades all give the impression it was greedy bankers and businessmen who brought about FINSAC
Most were honest businessmen who got caught up in a system created and fueled by an incompetent Government. Billions was lost and many families ruined.
Never forget
The late George Anthony Levy attorney at law who represented Jean-Marie Desulme, former CEO of Thermo Plastics states the facts RE: FINSAC. It seemed that PNP Omar Davis & his TOPANARIS friends didnt just focused on the bankers.. but they also went after our entrepreneurs 😢
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@mamachell
We have a "tree chop dung, ole fridge inna road, tyre burning, road block tight tight, pass if u think u bad" protest culture. 🙄
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@ogdrl
First class in Med School.
"Handwriting 101" How to really mess with Pharmacists, Patients, etc.
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Using the hypocrisy line, pivoting to preaching morality and now cussing out Krystal Tomlinson, it would suit Dennis Meadows to stop making public statements and let his lawyers handle things. A thorough investigation is needed to get clarity.
#FLA
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@_leannedc
Do ! Noh try the "rhythm method". Asked a friend if it worked, she answered "see my 2 rhythm ah run round outside" 😂😂
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@peaceloveriches
Congrats.
Hope it's triplets 😭😭
I have circumstantial evidence that likkle viagra get way in mine ☺
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@Sash_Lin
If my card decline once, me nah have the audacity fi try it again 😂 cant take double shame.
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@londiemurray
Over the shoulder and walk around, or rock gently. Sometimes I would let her fall asleep on my chest while patting her bottom, then say a prayer when I put her down...🥱
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Call from Office, invitation for customer, what's his name ? Everybody called him Brown Man, but they wouldn't accept it, I said "first name BROWN, last name MAN"
Had to call and find out the man name, known him for 10 years 🙄😂
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My best friend told me there's life outside the internet and I should check it out.
I asked her to send me a link.
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Remember when Bata was it in Jamaica ? People under 50 probably wont......😭
Global shoemaker Bata is back in Nigeria after about 20 years ago, in a sign that government efforts to stimulate local manufacturing are paying off
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Decent crowd at National Arena, still lots of empty space, very organized, JDF doing an excellent job moving people around, medical personnel are efficient and pleasant. Have 4 packs of Panadol in the car 😂
Come on down peeps.
#VACCINE
#NationalArena
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@MichelleObama
Always have respect for each other. Be slow to anger, LISTEN and try to understand. Be honest, don't let lies and insecurities in, that destroys marriages quickly. Spend time to together, talk to each other and LISTEN.
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When my sister cook, I put on 5lbs just looking at it
Sweet & Spicy Chili Ribs, Baked Mac and cheese, roasted garlic broccoli with cashews and Italian tomato salad in a red wine dressing
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When they complain about "nothing on tv", I show then this.
If they say "nothing interesting on TV", I agree with them
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When you get your JPS bill and it's $ 10,000 lower than what you budgeted for......
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Sigh.......
Again with the "Are you Mark Golding ?" This time a very bright and articulate 7 year old in his school uniform 🙄😒😒
Sitting in Brooklyn Supermarket, checking my emails, trying to look very unMarkGolding like
What to do ? Shave my head bald ? Spray on tan ? What
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Just read
#DCEASED6
. Can somebody, anybody at
@DCComics
offer Trevor Hairsine a multi year exclusive contract and get him and
@TomTaylorMade
on another book quickly ??
@JimLee
#dandidido
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