Dan St. Germain
@DSGermain
Followers
15,651
Following
1,788
Media
182
Statuses
6,258
Conan/CC Half Hour/ @Midnight /Kicking Dan Out/This is Not Happening/Not Safe/MDF/SupDonuts/Ringer/The Break w/ Michelle Wolf/WHC Dinner/Alternatino/WrestleRoasts
NY/LA.
Joined February 2011
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Pinned Tweet
My new Special “Dance Fatty, Dance!” is up on YouTube!
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Hey assholes, I didn't grow this beard to get laid. I grew it for America.
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"I should watch the Emmy's..." (Turns on CBS, sees Rita Wilson rapping, slowly pushes laptop into ocean.)
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My eyes say, "let's fuck" but my pony tail says, "libraries are an important part of our community."
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This Mueller report feels like when Guns and Roses dropped Chinese Democracy.
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Hogan. Roast. Friday.
#roast
#comedy
@DanSoder
@benjiaflalo
@racebanning
@WWECreative_ish
@Scott_Chaplain
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Imagine getting punched and having that same asshole then give a speech about bringing families together.
#Oscars
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The worst part about this Rife scandal is that I think the two guys I sucked off were lying about being Hollywood Executives.
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Hey folks, my special is free on YouTube. Give it a watch.
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Hey Woody Allen, if you want to convince us you didn't have sex with your one daughter, maybe don't marry your other daughter.
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I've never met one person who's gone to an open mic and stayed pro-life.
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Hey guys, writing a love song. What rhymes with, "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams?"
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Nothing worse than accidentally putting on the sock you came in.
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Are we still not sure Jussie Smollett wasn’t attacked by those Catholic High School MAGA kids?
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I've gained enough weight during this pandemic to star in my own TLC special.
#comedycentral
#FitnessMotivation
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The whole point of standup is to get really good at it. The whole point of improv is to eventually not have to do it anymore.
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This crypto stuff is starting to feel like The Simpsons Monorail Guy episode.
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Just actually bragged, "Let me tell ya buddy, I've been to a lot of zoos."
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My favorite part about True Detective this season was how none of it made any sense or mattered.
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Eddie Murphy is the only example of SNL needing someone more than they needed SNL.
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My family crest is just an image of an old woman who looks like John Goodman asking, "Who wants seconds?!"
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Just read a 2013 Facebook post where I sincerely talked about my personal journey in 2012. I'm the fucking worst.
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Westboro Baptist Church turning on Kim Davis is the most punk rock thing I've ever seen.
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Can’t wait until tomorrow morning when someone on right wing Twitter blames the Smith/Rock fight on cancel culture and left wing Twitter blames it on White Privilege.
#Oscars2022
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Kim Jung-Un shunning Biden but embracing Trump has reinforced my believe that fat guys automatically love other fat guys.
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I'm on the 1rst ep of
@DavidShoemaker
's new wrestling podcast for
@ringer
.
#humbled
#honored
#bringbackManMountainRock
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4 those of u wondering what it's like to have a "comedy career" I just earnestly asked, "Do we go on before or after the midget wrestling?"
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If this plays out like everything else has, Trump will be fine and give it to some random black Rose Garden employee with 3 kids who then dies without insurance.
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What's the difference between burlesque and stripping? About forty pounds.
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Man how hot would it be if Collinsworth and Al Michaels kissed right now?
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Somebody tell Neil Patrick Harris that naked isn't funny when you're hot.
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I'd say my personality is somewhere between annoying and haunting.
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Congrats to the gays joining the heteros in the "the reason I'm not married is due to my shit personality and crippling depression" category
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This whole Biden presidency feels like when you find out your dad can't fight.
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Gwyneth no one gives a shit if you're friends with Tim Mcgraw.
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I am proud to announce that next month I will be roasting the greatest of all time. RIC FLAIR!!!!! Woooooooo.
@RicFlairNatrBoy
It doesn’t get any bigger than this.
Live from
@CaesarsPalace
...
The Roast of
@RicFlairNatrBoy
, hosted by
@RonFunches
.
#STARRCASTonFITE
#RicFlairRoast
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Tackling a cancer survivor is bad. Doing it as a white guy with fake Rasta dreads is unforgivable. Congrats to
@BretHart
and
@NatbyNature
for showing a ton of class.
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Idris Elba would make a great bond but Pierce Brosnan would make a terrible Stringer Bell.
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In the history of girls posting sexy pictures on Facebook, no guy has ever gotten laid through commenting on how good they look.
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I hate baseball. It was created at a time when people were too sick to play other sports. “You guys want to run around dribbling and playing defense?” “Goddamn it Frank, we all have Small Pox. Let’s just hit a ball with a stick.”
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Great time doing
@RonFunches
show
@StarrcastEvents
tonight. Myself and
@TheMikeLawrence
will be taking photos and selling Merch tomorrow at noon
@CaesarsPalace
!
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My new Comedy Central set came out today!
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Man I really hope nobody finds those photos of me posing with that raccoon I killed outside my apartment.
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Jared Leto's Joker looks like half the girls I'm attracted to.
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Pro wrestling legend Nick Bockwinkel died at 80, or in professional wrestling years, 468.
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"I've gotta get laid!" for me has been replaced with, "Well I had a cheeseburger for lunch, I guess I'll do a burrito for dinner."
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Bought a plant today in case you ladies were wondering whether or not to come over.
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I think I've really got a shot with this Amanda Bynes chick.
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If there’s one positive thing we can take from this nightmare it’s that at least we now know how much Rudy Guiliani’s kids hate him.
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I don't trust anyone who doesn't like at least one Bob Seeger song.
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Just took a pic of an old couple sleeping next to me on this flight because I thought they looked sweet. Is this how serial killing starts?
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Really powerful article by Michelle McNamara, an incredibly gifted true crime writer.
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Saddest moment of comic's career -when a guy writes a mean comment about your video and you write an anonymous positive one above it.
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Colbert is racist! Also, Ernest really went to jail and Mark Wahlberg is actually friends with a Transformer.
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Is there a way I can support Bernie without supporting his supporters?
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Bernie Sanders debates the same way an old guy yells at you for cutting the line at a CVS pharmacy.
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Self-care is scattering rose petals across my bed before I masturbate.
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We all liked Dave Mathews at one point and we all turned our backs on him.
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Sam Smith looks like what would happen if your dad tried joining New Kids on the Block.
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Blessed are the insane, who post on social media about the things they should be booked for.
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I hate Tom Brady! He's beautiful, rich, a great quarterback... Oh, that's right, I just hate me.
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Just texted a girl I have a crush on "Happy International Women's Day!" What is wrong with me?
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Being an adult is taking a resentment, weighing the pros and cons of standing up 4 urself b4 keeping it inside and letting it slowly kill u.
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I'm not a Trump person but buying Jeb Bush's domain is the legit funniest thing I've ever seen a politician do.
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Weird that the two primary purposes of the internet r to express immediate outrage and jerk off to things you hope no one knows you're into.
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Lorne Michaels discovered me last night... In back of a dumpster giving hand jobs for quarters.
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50 Shades made 80 million this wknd. You guys have heard of Pornhub, right?
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Guys, Bernie Sanders is only one point away from the CIA secretly blowing up his plane!
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True story, I just got rejected from volunteering at a hospice.
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Jesus Superbowl, can we get through the game without you reminding me of my dead kid?
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Tonight I'm on
@nightlyshow
at 11:30/10:30c on
@ComedyCentral
! Look at everyone trying to get away from me....
http://t.co/f3673meTur
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I haven't found "the one" yet but when I do I hope she's really negative about everything.
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Just danced around my apartment in my under wear shaking my depression med bottles like maracas. Big Dog knows how to party.
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If anyone's wondering how my Saturday night's going I just Googled, "When do Sun Chips go bad?"
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This month of the Trump presidency is starting to feel like that moment where you think Jason’s dead.
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FACEBOOK - "Realizing you don't like your friends, one status at a time."
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Netflix and chill? More like Starz on Demand and fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
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Not to brag guys but my computer keeps telling me that these "local sluts" wanna fuck.
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The goal of Los Angeles is to turn everyone into Natalie Portman in Black Swan.
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Philly is what would happen if Boston dropped out of high school.
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I really hope they reopen the OJ case cause there's only 2 eps left and it's my fav show and I'm so sad all da time and is anyone listening?
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So glad I got to work on
#Alternatino
! Premieres tomorrow night!
This isn't complicated:
#Alternatino
premieres June 18 at 10:30/9:30c, but the first episode is on YouTube now.
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