Scott
@Bullitt315
Followers
270
Following
147
Media
196
Statuses
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Garbage
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会派入り要請
• 10567 Tweets
@AniseNot
People with higher impulse control tend to have more money to send their kids to private schools
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@memeticsisyphus
If you have to ask their iq to figure out if theyre retardrf, you are the retard
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@BankerWeimar
@VDAREJamesK
You literally just dont tell women anything until they are into you and suddenly your beliefs become their beliefs. As the kids say “skill issue” why is this man talking about therapy on a first date? Therapy is for chicks
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@wanyeburkett
99% the cause of libertarianism. "Look at all these fairly responsible people"
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@CartoonsHateHer
Cutting grapes. I looked up the actual stats of death by grape and my kids got a better chance being struck by lightning.
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@KILLTOPARTY
She’s just saying the quiet part out loud. The only person who loves you unconditionally is your mom and your dog
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@KILLTOPARTY
If he didn’t want any more kids he shouldve got a vasectomy. Birth control fails. Ask two of my kids
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@verkehrt2
@mellykyay
@MetaMilleez
@1TravelGuy
@communemami
Theres a rough list and almost everything car related or lawn related is on that list
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@spreadmyenergy
Marriage is pretty awesome. Happy people don't bitch on the internet about how happy they are.
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@MetaPrime001
Ladies, the time to give an ultimatum is at 22 not 32. After thirty, men have the advantage. Guys, this leverage goes away at 40 if you want kids.
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@caesararum
I got a 99/100 on the last calculus test I took because 2^0 is 1 and not zero. Stupid mistake. 20 years ago and I still remember.
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@bertram_the_mom
No. It's weird. I had a friend who couldn't grab a beer at the bar with us after a game "My wife might look to see where I am"
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@wanyeburkett
Every time i get off the interner and out in the real world i am amazed by how awesome america actually is. Yeah, we have our problems but you really can be like “i want to make more money” and go out and do it
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@kenzietuff
My wife is pregnant. We're hoping for a boy after having 3 girls. Guess who else wants a boy? Our 3 daughters (well, the oldest does, the other two don't get it yet)
Twitter: You are monsters
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@JackPosobiec
Imagine being told your entire life "You can be whatever you want when you grow up" and you group up to be a 40 year old barista making 18 bucks and hour with 250k of student loans. 2 of my millennial friends have killed themselves. One on purpose, one from malaise.
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@rchitectopteryx
@wanyeburkett
This is a a “dont have one of your kids run over in a parking lot” safety device is my guess.
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@PstafarianPrice
This sounds 1000x better than modern dating. “You’re pretty can you cook?” “Yes, do you have a job?” “Yes” lets have kids.
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@goblinodds
It's amazing how many dating problems on both sides could be solved by "Have you tried not being awful to people?"
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@MarmotRespecter
“Talk less than she does”I used this on my last first date. She didnt talk. Awkward! We’re married with 3 kids
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@caesararum
@eevee_not
Remember these happy memories with your ex? It's been 6 years since you broke up
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@CartoonsHateHer
We interviewed a girl who was 30ish, fit and wore clothes that showed it. All the women in the office “i dont think she’s a good fit”
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@FindJimClair
Unless i needed a day to move funds or it was an extremely odd circumstance, i would write the damn check. And if i needed to move funds, i would apologize for my lack of foresight “sorry, i didnt expect younto finish so quicklyand wasnt ready”
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@PrefFalsifier
@thechosenberg
You gotta make sure youre doing what youre supposed to be doing when it kicks in because you will be doing that for the next 12 hours
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@BankerWeimar
@VDAREJamesK
Redirect and laugh. Seriously i have never told any woman anything important on a first date. They just want to make sure you arent weird. Talking about therapy or politics is weird!
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@TennisonEddie
I, for one, would prefer if my dental hygienist wasn't sick and to err on the side of caution
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@MidwestTenshi
@NoJesuitTricks
Lol. Wisconsin and Illinois have completely different cultures and they're right next to each other.
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@bizlet7
99% of women are absolutely cruel to us
Women: Why do you hate us?
Men: You're all mean to us
Women: that can't be it🤦♂️
I do fine with women so I don't hate them but I absolutely understand why the average man does
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@CDMCMXCVI
@ClickingSeason
@butt_watermelon
Gummy bears are made out of condensed collagen, same as bone broth but less water. Thats what makes them gummy.
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@GarrettPetersen
@bizlet7
Dont cheat on your wife. When she takes him to the cleaners “divorce is so unfair to men!”
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@KILLTOPARTY
It is literally a skill issue. Dont be bitter, dont be a bitch, and your wife will have sex with you. It isnt even that hard. Im no super alpha male and our longest drought was maybe 4-6 weeks post baby. And thats with three kids running around and a pregnant wife.
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@AniseNot
Wish i had it. Unfortunately i am only tall, good looking, smart, and modest. Cant have it all 🤷
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@IntractableLion
@FreeNortherner
The people who accidentally drink "Hard" lemonade who don't know hard=booze, I can somewhat understand. If you don't know jack daniels=booze, you're hopeless.
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@MarmotRespecter
"taking one for the team" is literally how healthy relationships function. Like I want to do all the stupid fucking projects my wife wants. I just smile and do them. If my wife wants it and I don't, which does happen, guess what? I do it. Twitter is full of broken people.
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@CartoonsHateHer
This is why when my wife asks me "Do I look fat in this" I say "Yes, do you want weak retarded children?"
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@KILLTOPARTY
“Is there any home for salvaging the relationship”
These guys should either GROW A PAIR AND LEAVE HER or get euthanized in Canada.
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@BankerWeimar
@VDAREJamesK
Lol. Dude if you think women have completely changed in the last 8 years since i was single. Theyre still women. Young men have always been complaining about them. Read a book from 300 years ago and the complaints are the same. Skill issue.
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@CartoonsHateHer
The secret to pulling off “old money” looks is to have old money. You sorta have to be clueless about basic stuff. “What does a banana cost? $10?”
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@SWENGDAD
Get rid of birth control, abortion and bring back shotgun marriages. Sex actually bonds people. Feel awful for her but “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free” has been around for a long time. Dont get me wrong lotta free sex in the past but they got pregnantand married
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@MostlyMonkey
A roth when you are in a 50% bracket is stupid but when you make 2mm a year, 22k doesnt matter.
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@KILLTOPARTY
Two options. Immediately leave or beat her so hard she never hits you again. Personally, id go with option a. Less legal fallout possible
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@SWENGDAD
The average 35 year old women will have 10x as many online matches as the average 35 year old man and i am likely vastly understating this
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@Duderichy
My good friend died a few years ago. One of his exes who I hadn't talked to in years texted me. We reminisced a bit. You're not supposed to grieve alone.
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@harmonizedgrace
8k examples if this in the last 24 hours “men, let me tell you why youre wrong”
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@MostlyMonkey
A bunch of teenage girls are mean to each other. Who is to blame? Men! Ladies, no heterosexual man finds britney “overweight” in that picture. You? Pushing two bills? Yes, you’re fat. Sorry
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@_MedGold
The problem with telling boys and girls they are exactly the same for their entire childhood is they start believing it.
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@wanyeburkett
Movies: We're gonna steal 100 million from a casino
Reality: I'm gonna shoot the clerk at the gas station with cameras for $357
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@100thprestige
Every 17 year old boy should be given a time machine to see his high school crush at 40. It will really help simp levels
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@LRH_Superfan
teetotalers the same way. "You had a few drinks at a wedding? You're an alcoholic"
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@SWENGDAD
They're looking to fire you anyways when they dig into your expense reports/meal credits. This is just the excuse. That said, completely agree. Ebenezer scrooge is not a person to look up to.
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@the_transit_guy
@wanyeburkett
Wold you want to be recorded non stop at work? Cops have been fired for random jokes because of body cameras more than theyve been exonerated
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@nfinf5
@memeticsisyphus
Why do people get mad at me when I'm slowing everyone up in traffic? We get mad at cars going 10 under too guys. I also like to ride bikes and can count on one hand how many bad interactions with cars I've had.
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@eigenrobot
Wife got her hair colored today. Literally thought maybe it looks different but not sure. 3 hours later “do you like my new color?”
“Love it babe”
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@bizlet7
I went out with a bunch of 6’ women at 6’2”. They all filtered me out. The 5’4” girls loved me. Heck, i married one.
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@WojteksGrandson
The white or asian guy sitting in the basement with one of the LEDs out doing all the actual coding
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@CartoonsHateHer
Yes they do. We ended up not hiring her because she made a boomer joke in front of the boomer managing partner in her final interview🤦♂️
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@thecathguy
A 9mm to the back of its head would work, and if you dont have that a .357 .40 or .38 would also work
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@CartoonsHateHer
Our oldest eats almost everything. We are great parents!
Our middle child eats almost nothing "I don't like it" We are bad parents.
Our youngest eats almost everything. We are great parents again!
Sometimes you get a picky one
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@halogen1048576
“Fully vaccinated” does what the authorities tell her. Shed be the first to turn her in
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@wanyeburkett
Got a speeding ticket. Had to sit in court and watch these people add numbers to their sentences in real time arguing with the judge.
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@igarglewithfire
Yet your daughter doesnt go to a predominantly minority school because as much as you preach on social media you could have your housing cost if you believed what yoo preach
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@0x49fa98
It’s like when my wife counts to three with our daughter. 1, 2 “when i get to three youre gonna regret it”
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@_jokeocracy
@Broyoyoyojimjam
This woman was sent to trial because trump basically banned abortion. That woman’s name? Casey anthony.
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@CartoonsHateHer
My house growing up looked like this 99.9% of the time. Now that I have kids, I don't know how my mom did it.
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@wanyeburkett
Im a dog person. You’re 100% correct about pit-bulls. Old neighbor had one. He socialized the thing to attack small animals. I have children. Glad he moved. Every 5’3” 100lb woman gets a pitbull they cant control.
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@ouranometrian2
Hello mr uber driver. Please give me a few moments to install all my car seats. Please dont rate me bad. We literally cannot take ubers with our young kids.
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