Aram
@AramVartian
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Co-producer of @KEMpodcast , co-founder of @deadghostpro , editor of @UnprepCasters . He/him 🇦🇲 🍉
Chicago
Joined October 2017
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Hi, new people!
My name is Aram. I am a queer Armenian who has played TTRPGs for 40 years and produced gaming podcasts for the last decade.
I am the co-producer of
@KEMpodcast
and the co-founder of
@deadghostpro
.
I also played a "malicious twink" satyr on
@UnprepCasters
.
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"If the railroad workers go on strike they could tank the entire economy!"
Wow, they sound really important. I guess you should pay them a ton of money and give them lots of paid time off.
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If the Pinkertons ever come to your door, remember:
- They have no legal authority over you or anything else. They are just there to intimidate you.
- Do not negotiate. Tell them they are trespassing and close the door, then start recording them from the window.
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I love when access to technology is decided by 80-year-olds who barely use a computer.
"This is not an attempt to ban TikTok. It's an attempt to make TikTok better. Tic-Tac-Toe. A winner. A winner."
-- Rep. Pelosi
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Screw it, let's go through the list.
1. "I'm timing turns." (I'm ignoring the hostile language and just getting to the points)
It is good to keep DM and players alike aware of time, but arbitrary limits are not helpful and will become harder as characters level.
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Calling someone as a "friend of Dorothy" is code for saying that person is queer. The Dorothy in question is queer icon Judy Garland from the Wizard of Oz.
The NIS (Naval Investigative Service) heard this term and opened an investigation.
Mission: find this Dorothy person.
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The Pinkertons are an anti-union, non-governmental force that acts like the police without their legal authority.
Before that, they hunted free people and returned them to slavery.
There is no excuse to ever associate with them.
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"I'll just stand my ground."
The Pinkertons have been breaking up unions for over 100 years. You think they can't legally hide a body? You think the cops will side with your corpse?
Do not engage them for any reason.
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Is there anything better in D&D than using Speak With Animals to make your DM inhabit some random squirrel or peacock for fifteen minutes?
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I got into a stutter-lock with the cute bagel guy, and he just quietly waited for me to be able to speak.
“I stutter.” I explained when I could.
“So does my sister.” He replied with a warm smile. “Take your time.”
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"If you don't RP Intimidation and Persuasion checks, you fail."
Expecting a player to be as charismatic as their PC is wholly unfair and unjustified.
RP should always be encouraged by reward, not punishment. If you want players to RP, give them bonuses for good RP moments.
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2. "If you want harder fights, bring a second sheet."
The DM is hostile to both easy fights and PC death, which implies he thinks all conflicts are survivable if the players are "good" enough.
If PCs die, it is usually their fault. If a party dies, it is usually the DM's fault.
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If you play D&D like chess — on a grid with minis and all rules fully in effect — expect the game to play like chess. Sometimes turns will take longer.
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4. "I will take away your toys when I give you new ones."
This one is just mean. Let your players have fun. If you can't adapt an occasional magic trinket, you aren't a good DM.
Give your players the tools to out think and out plan you, and celebrate when they do.
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The NIS believed that there actually was a woman named Dorothy at the center of a massive ring of homosexual military personnel, so they launched an enormous and futile hunt for the elusive "Dorothy", hoping to find her and convince her to reveal the names of gay service members.
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3. "If you call me or my rolls unfair, I'll leave."
If you are that concerned with players distrusting your actions, roll in the open. Meet them halfway.
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Heads up, people: several of you are following
@theoneringnet
, who just posted (and deleted) this.
They refuse to acknowledge or answer for it.
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9. "I will manipulate rules to artificially punish your characters."
This DM has all the planning time in the world, only allots players 60 seconds to act while enforcing all rules to the letter, and also gives himself a way to cheat the balance.
Classic abuser behavior.
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12. "I'm railroading you in the part of the map/story that interests me and not letting you leave."
Then my dude, what are we doing here? If you want to play a game where you construct a bunch of artificial walls around people to limit their movement, boot up the SIMS.
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6. "Side quests!"
Every time this DM states "I don't care" he clearly very much cares. I am not sure if he cares about people missing side quests he wrote, or if he is treating PC backstories hooks as "side quests."
Either way, both are the result of bad storytelling.
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@ParkzRS
@Calcifer118
@GoingParabolic
Nope. People with 100 million in untaxed gains are killing America.
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10. "Every NPC has a burn book with your name in it."
I love when NPCs hold players accountable, especially for mundane things. Actions have consequences, both legal and social.
For that to work, the DM has to play fair and root for their players. I doubt this one does.
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7. "Chess rules for moving your PC mini."
I knew this guy way playing D&D like chess. I didn't read this far down the list when I started this thread and I could still see it.
This is antagonistic without reason. A good DM should not be waiting to pounce on technical "errors."
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13. "Tardiness means in-game punishment."
Any negatives your PC suffers as result of a real-world action breaks the rules of the game, personal boundaries, and immersion.
What reason is there left to play?
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This DM sounds like a very insecure person that desperately wants to have more control over his games (and maybe more control in social interactions in general).
I'd say try being a player more, but I'd also bet he DMs because others aren't "doing it right."
He has that energy.
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DM Tip: If your characters become heroes of a town, have them come across kids running around and roleplaying as them.
They will love it.
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How are there no official trick arrows in Dungeons and Dragons?
*starts writing*
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If you see someone stealing food, no you didn't.
#REPORT
: Canadians are now stealing overpriced food items from grocery stores with no remorse.
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15. "I have boundaries about substance use."
Completely valid, but leading with antagonism is not going to help in getting the result you want.
Be nicer about things.
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Do not engage these accounts. Do not reply to them. Do not retweet them. Do not tag their accounts.
Screenshot their words as a warning to others and block them.
Shut them out.
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8. "Tell us your action."
Technically, saying "I cast fireball" is informing the party and the DM of your action quite clearly.
If you have a character that really likes casting fireball and a party that is not flame resistant, give them opportunities to use the spell.
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11. "Dungeons have to make sense."
He could be nicer about it, but no other notes.
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The block feature is required as a part of social media apps by law.
@elonmusk
was told this last time, and he will be told again.
You have to keep reminding toddlers of the rules.
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I will literally stop anything to watch that lovely, raspy twink bake depression-era horrors on TikTok.
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Hey, pastry schools: y'all need to find a way to get this info to the public.
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They way that every single blue check can’t comprehend that she talks like that because she has lived in a vault her entire life, underlines why no one would ever hear them if they weren’t paying to be put at the front of the line.
Clip from Amazons Fallout series! This show is gonna be wild! 🔥
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I was informed that the full list goes on for FORTY FOUR total points.
Damn, dude. You need to get a hobby. I’ve heard gaming is fun.
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Anything can happen in Dungeons and Dragons.
Literally anything. You do not need to be this defensive against player autonomy. It can be stressful and taxing live-playing an entire world engine. You will get things wrong. And that's okay, because anything can happen in D&D.
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Do tell me how the railroad companies are negotiating fairly.
Tell me how an industry that has always been known for underhanded union busting has come to the table with their workers in mind.
An industry who hired the Pinkertons when they couldn't get away with actual slavery.
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17. "Divination spells are banned."
You can't harp on about some rules and decide you can ignore others. Use divination spells to touch on character backstories if you don't feel comfortable hinting at the main plot.
You have to at least try. It's what you signed up for.
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Me: "I bet if I was alive when you could just think of a thing like a hand crank and patent it, I would be a rich inventor."
Also Me: "In 47 years I never considered solving the cake problem by turning tupperware over."
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If something unexpected happens, if a fight is over too quickly, if a player comes up with a solution you didn't account for, GOOD.
Encourage them. Ask them how they did it, and incorporate their answer. Let them change the world. Build it together.
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Weird Guys: "Pete Davidson! How do you pull all these women?"
Pete: "I just treat women with kindness and respect. I'm also pretty good at making people laugh while displaying my vulnerability."
WG: "Screw that, what are the magic words you say to trick them into liking you?"
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18. "Only one character at a time can attempt a skill check."
No disagreement here.
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If you cannot even publicly state "the Pinkertons are bad," you are not associated with a brand. You are not "a bunch of creator friends."
You are in a cult.
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If someone has stolen property from your company, you call the police.
If someone is acting in a manner you want suppressed, you call the Pinkertons.
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Having a younger actor play a character from a much earlier time in their lives is not “recasting.”
George Miller has explained why he decided to recast Charlize Theron for Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga director instead of using de-aging technology.
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@KEMpodcast
22. "Instant death traps."
Traps are dumb. Instant death traps are really dumb.
I've ignored most of the snarky attitude, but the DM is especially toxic here. There is no way to reform a person like this.
Shut people like him out of the hobby and far away from your table.
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24. "Random encounters don't happen."
We're not traveling anywhere, we're not having random encounters, and there are no dungeons and no dragons.
What game are you playing again, DM?
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@KEMpodcast
20. "Check each other's math, but never mine."
This DM is encouraging player conflict while declaring himself infallible.
All DMs make mistakes. Many of us make several mistakes every session. Encourage your players to keep you honest and learn from them when they are right.
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So quiet that she told Princess Diana not to advocate for those with AIDS and banned staff from bringing same-sex partners to royal events.
Queen Elizabeth II, a quiet supporter of LGBTQ rights, has died at age 96 - More at:
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“But what if everyone at my table is incapable of working in a group and respecting each other’s time?”
More rules won’t help that.
For Daggerheart, these two sections just definitely cemented it's not for me. I mean, have the designers not played at a lot of TTRPG tables? The clashing personalities, the rules lawyer, the loud one taking the spotlight, the quiet person who barely speaks, the one on their
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25. "I refuse to learn anything."
The most honest thing he's written so far and it's the core for all his other nonsense.
If your ego is that wrapped up in the game, you should not be a DM. Being a DM is not a power fantasy, it is an act of service.
You're Illmater, not Helm.
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@KEMpodcast
19. "Meta discussion equal character damage."
Again, character punishment for real-word actions is egregious on several levels. It is never okay. Also, meta discussion are fun and sometimes necessary to navigate the game.
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I figured this would happen eventually, but for
@DnDBeyond
to just delete all that content people paid for so abruptly and early? That is a surprise.
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He also asked if I liked the darker muffins better, which I do.
“The crunch makes them better.”
He is so wise.
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"I am a Christian Father™️ who is angry about not understanding the media I consume, so here is the gayest scene from Starship Troopers."
Fallout continues to check off all the right boxes.
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Me: "I am a permissive DM. I balk at the idea of having a set list of bannable character choices that are not openly offensive to others."
*uses the DnD Beyond character generator for the first time in a while*
Me: "...there are three bannable offenses at my table."
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@KEMpodcast
21. "Roll your dice clearly in the open."
The DM has clearly started that he does not follow this rule himself, so it is moot.
If your players roll in the open, so do you. The DM is bound by the same rules as the players, and should comply with any house rules as well.
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What is the point of a TTRPG news show when the hosts won’t even talk about WotC sending in an armed squad of goons?
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@DnDBeyond
37. "I'm not here to make friends."
YES YOU ARE. You so very clearly need this game as a major function of your social life or you wouldn't torture yourself with it. You want to be liked and respected. You want to be thought clever.
It's okay to admit that.
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He mentioned that he liked the pistachio chip muffins best. I replied I had never tried them.
“You should.” He said.
“I will.”
I am going to try one tomorrow.
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@JeremyDBoreing
I can.
Protest every single night. Never let them get a moment of peace for the rest of their lives.
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29. "Don't make light of my many rules with humor."
This dude's ego is paper-thin. The slightest scratch will tear right through it, yet he is angrily waving around the paper and pointing at it.
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27. "Say it to my face."
It is wholly reasonable to want people to bring issues and complaints directly to you instead of talking behind your back.
This becomes difficult when you punish any player that comes to you about anything.
This DM is creating all of his own problems.
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I am just shocked that a company who surprised fired several dozen people from their most profitable division, quashing any sense of corporate unity and pride from the remining staff, is struggling to get their projects out on time.
This is my shocked face: 😐
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23. "Magic items should be rare."
Completely agree. Nothing takes the magic away from D&D like some merchant with a wagon load of +1 axes. Hell, I started Godsfall half because I was frustrated with a magic-laden D&D world.
Just be nicer about it.
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TTRPG podcasters: if you have a dedicated editor that is not part of your gaming table, you have an obligation to include them in your Session 0 planning so they can establish their own lines and veils.
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Because South Park and Family Guy have a single message: the worst thing you can do is care about something.
Nihilism doesn’t adapt well.
How the FUCK did a generation raised on south park and Family guy become so offended by everything.???
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If you like this, you might like listening to two queer hosts talk about
#dungeonsanddragons
by inviting a guest on a deep-dive into every monster in the manual
@KEMpodcast
.
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31. "No food or drink near my expensive D&D stuff."
D&D tables quickly become cluttered with various things, so having players eat and drink away from the game-play is understandable.
But then you have to accept people will get up and move around a lot. I doubt this GM will.
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32. "I will settle out-of RP character arguments."
I think he means he will be the arbiter of all conflict about the game, even just between players, even when it isn't about events that happened in game.
No, dude. You're not anyone's dad. Calm down.
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26. "I hate players so much I don't want to hear about any other game but mine."
As long as he is just listing his personal issues, I am gonna translate them into what he actually means.
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34. "I am nerfing your characters without an in-game explanation."
Dungeons and Dragons is not this hard. If the players have it too easy, make the game more difficult.
You are a DM. You have all the tools in the world. Use them and stop whining about it.
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@nsgarnett
"I am a conservative, and I think ethics are a joke."
You just said the same thing twice.
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30. "Coordinate food orders so we are not faced with a constant stream of interruptions."
A totally reasonable rule that makes the game experience better for everyone.
If you enforce it, you have to take careful account of everyone's dietary needs when picking a restaurant.
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44. "Bad movie villain dialogue."
You can't deliver that "I don't make threats, I make promises" line unless someone asks you "Is that a threat?" in response to a thing you just said.
That's the rule, dude. You know that. Total weaksauce.
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38. "Be nice to me."
My dude, you get the energy you put out. I can't believe we've arrived at the level of "treat others the way you wish to be treated" after 38 points, but here we are.
Basic human shit. Just try and be more of a person.
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@pokokmasam
@KobiPatrick1
@aviationbrk
The people who throw gender reveal parties are exactly the people who will ignore tragedy on their "special" day.
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@Anusien
Yep. When you need 16 aggressive rules to enjoy doing a thing you have surely lost the plot.
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28. "We all have limited time to play, so when we do let's focus on the game."
Again, be less of a dick about it, but no notes.
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@DnDBeyond
36. "If you don;t bring dice, borrow some."
Well...sure, but I don't see why this made the list alongside a series of increasingly angry threats.
This is less a rule and just common sense. I think your players can figure this one out on their own, my dude.
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43. "I don't care about how you feel, and I want you to know that."
We know, dude. We know. You can list as many things as you like, but this will always be the core of all your problems.
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35. "If you don't bring your sheet, you don't play."
How do you not have copies of your player's character sheets?
If this is a hard and fast rule, have them make back-up characters on
@DnDBeyond
. Create a campaign so you always have access.
Stop whining and fix things.
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I found a good place to start trimming back.
Hasbro cutting deeply into their workforce after slow sales.
End of year layoffs like this are straight up mean though.
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40. "Reasonable request, supervillain punishment for non-compliance."
*taps the sign* In-game punishment is never acceptable for real world actions.
And yes, keep track of you expendables and slots. Be honest about them. Help your DM. Your game will be a lot more fun that way.
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Every last one is a traitor to their entire profession.
Yes, even Judi.
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39. "You will submit your work in triplicate."
Again, this is easily solved by having the players make DnD Beyond characters in your campaign. A lot of your issues would be fixed this way.
Learn to use the tools available to you. Do your job as a DM.
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