Alex Kaseberg
@AlexKaseberg
Followers
2,151
Following
1,956
Media
1,866
Statuses
56,769
FOLLOWS YOU Mom asked if I had been bad in Kindergarten, I said; "A little bit bad, but a whole lot funny."
San Diego
Joined March 2009
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مدريد
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Madrid
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Barca
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#UFC308
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#ElClásico
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Mbappe
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Lamine
• 106773 Tweets
#الهلال_التعاون
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Bernabeu
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Topuria
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Lewandowski
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Vini
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Holloway
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Khamzat
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Raphinha
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Whittaker
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#كلاسيكو_الارض
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Casadó
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Bellingham
• 36537 Tweets
Pedri
• 34002 Tweets
Hansi Flick
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Ancelotti
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Olmo
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Nebraska
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الريال
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Ohio State
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Mendy
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Balde
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Camavinga
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ليفا
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Iñaki Peña
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Lewy
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Last Seen Profiles
He was a big cuddle bunny. Rest In Peace, Bo.
"This is exactly what he does at home. He tries to beat Malia and Sasha to my lap." RIP Bo Obama 😢💔💔
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I'm starting to think I was in that Russian meeting.
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Scientists say deer are spreading COVID-19 to each other and are worried they will spread it to humans.
Even I know how to keep that from happening: folks, don't get near the deer. Not getting near a deer has to be the easiest thing to do on earth.
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In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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A Stanford admissions officer has been arrested for stabbing a woman while high on LSD.
His attorney is trying to get his sentence changed to many millions in tax and bank fraud so he will only do 47 months in jail.
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Working from home. The commute is short but my co-worker is an a-hole.
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An Australian housing development has named the streets after "Game of Thrones" characters. Drive carefully on the Theon Cutoff.
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Heart melts.
My heart 😭
This special needs class doing the baby shark dance is so adorable.
Retweet ❤️
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“60 Minutes” segment on Mars research rover Curiosity. Curiosity has taken pictures of the billion-year-old formation: Mount Larry King.
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This ugly spat between Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene all started over an argument about who rode the fastest flying broom.
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It came true.
Donald Trump said he was neutral, but you know, deep down, he hopes the Kansas City Chiefs win for the great red state of Kansas.
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Saw this woman jogging yesterday. As stunning as she looks on camera, she is even more gorgeous in person. Made in an involuntary noise like someone knocked the wind out of me.
@WhitneyCummings
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Charles Manson is seriously ill and was moved from prison to a hospital. Way to go, 2017, already much better than 2016.
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At his speech in New Orleans, Donald Trump had a bandage on his right hand. They issued a statement saying he hit it playing with Barron.
A slightly more believable story would be he nicked it changing the oil on Air Force One.
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The crowd at Donald Trump's Georgia rally was sparse.
It was so sparse, Trump tried to take some of the crowd from the left and the sides and comb them over to the middle.
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Donald Trump, hyped a “major announcement” that is selling digital trading cards of himself.
This is the most embarrassing thing Trump has ever done and he wears diapers and had a porn star describe his penis as a tiny mushroom.
#TrumpIsALaughingStock
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Does anyone else think Beth Mowins, the ESPN "MNF" announcer sounds like an '80's Morning Drive DJ? Keep expecting her to say,
"Comin' at you with the Z-Morning zoo crew, we have ABBA tickets for the tenth caller."
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Once feared as a huge hurricane, Tropical Storm Fred is now described as weak and disorganized.
It is so weak and disorganized they might change the name to Tropical Storm Eric Trump.
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@AngelaBelcamino
We could dig up Charlie Manson's corpse, rejuvenate him back to life, and elect him President, and he would still be better than Trump. So, yeah, Beta would be great.
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A man who worked on "Celebrity Apprentice" said Donald Trump was addicted to snorting Adderall.
That is ridiculous. If Trump was addicted to speed he would sniff all the time, slur his words, Tweet at 3:00 am, oh . . . my . . . god.
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Aaron Rodgers is listed as having a toe injury sustained during his quarantine.
All we do know is he did not get it from kicking himself for lying about being vaccinated.
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A photo reveals a bandage on Donald Trump's right hand. The White House said he scraped it playing with Barron.
Tomorrow Trump will say he cut it showing a Seal Team 6 member how to reload his automatic weapon.
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Guys, no "Rodeo Sex."
That's when you do her doggy-style, whisper in her ear "Your sister was better," and try to hang on for eight seconds.
#ThingsToAvoidDuringSex
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The woman Capitol rioter - who is on tape saying she wanted to shoot Nancy Pelosi in the head - has been arrested.
And yet the woman who said she wanted to hang Nancy Pelosi, Marjorie Taylor Greene, is still serving in congress.
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Think I got Donald Trump's presidential campaign slogan: "Tired of being Liberal? Comb-over to our side."
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A CDC study claims people without the vaccination are 29 times more likely to be hospitalized.
For anti-vaxxers who have taken Ivermectin, the horse dewormer, 29 is if you stomp out ten with your hoof two times and then nine times.
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Am I the only one who thinks Terry Bradshaw is a flaming a-hole?
During the Super Bowl trophy award ceremony he told Chiefs coach Andy Reid to "Waddle on over here."
Bradshaw is fatter than Reid. What a d*ck.
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@CaslerNoel
Melania only made one magazine cover and that was "New York" magazine kissing a fireman in a 9/11 issue for which she was paid $350. Melania was a super model the way a mall cop is a super hero.
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Stormy Daniels is going to be on "60 Minutes." Which is 59 minutes longer than she was on Donald Trump.
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The only thing that is keeping this from being my Aunt Lucy is a lit Marlboro dangling from the lips and a fourth Vodka and Tonic.
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She was always in the running, but the official smartest person in Hollywood is now
@WhitneyCummings
for bailing on producing "Roseanne" prior to the vitriol hitting the fan. Whitney started that show with good intentions. But Roseanne is Roseanne.
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You're having a bad day when the playful and happy phrase; "Pull my finger," is followed by the horrified shriek; "Oh my god, get a towel!"
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"Cheats on his wife with a porn star? Who cares? Cheats on his taxes? Who cares? Cheats contractors out of payments? Who cares? Wait. He cheats at golf? This changes things."
- Many Republican men.
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Donald Trump flipped the coin for the Army-Navy game. The bad news? The coin then flipped on Trump and will testify to the Mueller investigation.
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Nobody is better. Nobody.
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Trump says Hillary got schlonged in 2008 election. schlong is Yiddish for penis. Schmuck is Yiddish for Trump.
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Boston is holding a Straight Pride Parade.
Boston won the Super Bowl, the World Series and is contending for the Stanley Cup. That should be enough to satisfy straight people.
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She can sing. She can play drums. She can play the sax. She can play the piano. She can play guitar. She can record like an engineer. She can draw. She can paint. She can sculpt. Build. She is hot and funny.
What the hell?
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On Twitter, I have seen comedians go from hitching rides to every open mic spot to living in a big ranch house in the Hollywood hills with a pool and flying first class from New York to La each week.
@ericarhodes
@DanLaMorte
are about to be the latter if they are not already.
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OJ Simpson could be released by Sunday. Now Kris Jenner is going to get pregnant.
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The big white dog, Sawyer, is following his human friend. Then the dog starts to mock his human with an almost perfect copy of the boy's handicaped walk. via
@berti_and_ernie
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Ali Spagnola is proof, when it comes to talent, sometimes god gives with both hands.
What if Olivia Rodrigo's "Drivers License" was by Blink 182?
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It's not really Christmas until a mom with reindeer antlers on her SUV cuts me off in traffic and gives me the finger.
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They should consider Eric Trump as the host of "Jeopardy."
The writers would have to adjust their clues accordingly.
"I'll take "Why won't you hug me, Daddy?" for $500."
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The big white dog, Sawyer, is following his human friend. Then the dog starts to mock his human with an almost perfect copy of the boy's handicaped walk. via
@berti_and_ernie
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"Are we certain the victims did not want to be eaten?"
- Barbra Streisand on Hannibal Lechter.
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Golfer, Lucas Glover's wife, Krista, was arrested for domestic abuse after she got drunk and attacked Glover for missing a cut. She also attacked Glover's mother and the police.
At this point Tiger Woods has to be asking himself how he let this gem slip away.
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Not to say Madonna has had too much work done, but in her bathtub video, she looks like the banjo kid in "Deliverance."
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Trying to test Rob Gronkowski for concussion protocol is like trying to test a stripper for glitter.
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The scuttlebutt - if that is still a word - is that Mark Meadows, in a dire effort to save his ass, has flipped on Donald Trump and will testify to the Jan. 6th committee tomorrow.
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My friend celebrated his break-up by taking a woman to dinner. The problem? The waitress was his newly ex-girlfriend.
#awkwardbreakup
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Calling Harvey Weinstein a sex addict is like calling a raccoon a garbage addict. (Sorry raccoons)
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A new computer algorithm detects sarcasm in text. Oh, well, forget high gas prices and three wars, this should solve all of our problems.
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Marjorie Taylor Greene accuses Nancy Pelosi of running "Gazpacho Police."
Of all the soup insults she could give, that one is cold.
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@cevangelista413
"When I first met you, you were all "Oh phooey, I burnt the darn muffins;" now, you go into a bar and ten minutes later sailors come running out. What up with that?"
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Ali is an essential artist. Sometimes god hands out talent with both hands.
The highways are empty right now... So I attempted to paint a huge mural on it
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@Lesdoggg
You crushed being Oprah. Had to keep looking to make sure you were you and not her.
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Right now, the initial over-whelming favorite Lauren Boebert is behind democrat Adam Frisch by 62 votes.
Anyone else want to see Boebert lose by 69 votes so we can make jokes about how she ate it?
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@ThatEricAlper
The guy who played the banjo on Neil Young's "Old Man"? James Taylor. The backup singer on the chorus of "Heart of Gold"? Linda Rondstadt.
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Go$h, I wonder why the IOC picked $uch a $nowless, autocratic, human-right$-violating place a$ Beijing for the Winter Olympic$?
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Alabama Senate candidate, Roy Moore, announced he will be riding his horse to vote. Which is better than driving his Ice Cream truck to the polls.
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@marcmaron
@GlowNetflix
So the question on all of our minds is: Will Sam bang Ruth in Vegas?
I give it 80% yes.
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@MattOswaltVA
Don't forget the Trans Am in "Smokey and the Bandit." Oh, sorry, that was the best Camaro ever.
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GOP Rep. Adam Kinzinger of Illinois likened the Republican Party to the Titanic.
That is a ridiculous comparison. The Titanic didn't have an orange, fat idiot trying to steer them into an iceberg.
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Porn sites like PornHub are reporting traffic is finally back to normal after a drop during the World Cup. It takes World Cup fans a while before they remember it is OK to use their hands.
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Ali is so talented it is almost not fair. Great job. And she can wear the living hell out of a bikini.
Who saw my failed giant chalk mural? I ACTUALLY FINISHED THIS ONE!!
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The rumors of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's pending divorce continue to grow.
This is a rough time for Meghan, Prince Andrew won't return her calls.
#HarryandMeghanAreAJoke
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British Petroleum is making Wile E. Coyote look like a genius.
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Reports say OJ Simpson severely beaten in prison. On the bright side of this story? OJ Simpson was severely beaten in prison.
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What this world needs is more Ali Spagnolas.
The highways are empty right now... So I attempted to paint a huge mural on it
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@quinncy
The night my mother died, she came to me in a dream crying and said, "You have to take care of John." John was my brother who had AIDS.
Before that, John and I never got along. But we did get along after that. Right up until he died six months later.
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Ali is a National treasure.
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Gwyneth Paltrow is selling candles for $70 called "Smells Like My Vagina."
And all the candles sold out. Apparently people could not wait to snatch them up.
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Color me a fan of the Amy Klobuchar.
People say I need a viral moment to win this thing. So I thought I’d go on
@BillMaher
the same night as
@HowardStern
. Here’s the interview:
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The first witness off the Gwenyth Paltrow ski accident trial testified, but it did not go well.
He just kept asking "What's in the box?" And then laughs.
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Donald Trump claims his challenging Tellerson to an IQ test was a joke. Said Trump, "I was just trying to be cylindrical."
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Wells Fargo has been fined one billion dollars. That is so much money, their CEO will have to commute to work by stage coach.
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Dogs are wonderful, insightful and sensitive, but their grasp of the concept of exercise is somewhat limited.
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In Florida, a woman was arrested for indecent exposure after dancing naked in a Waffle House parking lot.
Show of hands. Is anyone else surprised dancing naked in a Waffle House parking lot in Florida is illegal?
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She is amazing.
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This is awesome.
RT..
And they wonder why I prefer Animals over people!!
🐶 Stray dog saves innocent woman from robber 🐕
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Mitch McConnell broke his shoulder tripping on defective Nikes.
The sole came off Mitch's shoe just like his soul left his body.
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At the White House, Donald Trump is serving the Clemson Tigers food from McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's.
And, to think, we were worried the class and style of the Kennedy White House would never be replicated.
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