Scientists say deer are spreading COVID-19 to each other and are worried they will spread it to humans.
Even I know how to keep that from happening: folks, don't get near the deer. Not getting near a deer has to be the easiest thing to do on earth.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
A Stanford admissions officer has been arrested for stabbing a woman while high on LSD.
His attorney is trying to get his sentence changed to many millions in tax and bank fraud so he will only do 47 months in jail.
Saw this woman jogging yesterday. As stunning as she looks on camera, she is even more gorgeous in person. Made in an involuntary noise like someone knocked the wind out of me.
@WhitneyCummings
At his speech in New Orleans, Donald Trump had a bandage on his right hand. They issued a statement saying he hit it playing with Barron.
A slightly more believable story would be he nicked it changing the oil on Air Force One.
The crowd at Donald Trump's Georgia rally was sparse.
It was so sparse, Trump tried to take some of the crowd from the left and the sides and comb them over to the middle.
Donald Trump, hyped a “major announcement” that is selling digital trading cards of himself.
This is the most embarrassing thing Trump has ever done and he wears diapers and had a porn star describe his penis as a tiny mushroom.
#TrumpIsALaughingStock
Does anyone else think Beth Mowins, the ESPN "MNF" announcer sounds like an '80's Morning Drive DJ? Keep expecting her to say,
"Comin' at you with the Z-Morning zoo crew, we have ABBA tickets for the tenth caller."
Once feared as a huge hurricane, Tropical Storm Fred is now described as weak and disorganized.
It is so weak and disorganized they might change the name to Tropical Storm Eric Trump.
@AngelaBelcamino
We could dig up Charlie Manson's corpse, rejuvenate him back to life, and elect him President, and he would still be better than Trump. So, yeah, Beta would be great.
A man who worked on "Celebrity Apprentice" said Donald Trump was addicted to snorting Adderall.
That is ridiculous. If Trump was addicted to speed he would sniff all the time, slur his words, Tweet at 3:00 am, oh . . . my . . . god.
Aaron Rodgers is listed as having a toe injury sustained during his quarantine.
All we do know is he did not get it from kicking himself for lying about being vaccinated.
A photo reveals a bandage on Donald Trump's right hand. The White House said he scraped it playing with Barron.
Tomorrow Trump will say he cut it showing a Seal Team 6 member how to reload his automatic weapon.
Guys, no "Rodeo Sex."
That's when you do her doggy-style, whisper in her ear "Your sister was better," and try to hang on for eight seconds.
#ThingsToAvoidDuringSex
The woman Capitol rioter - who is on tape saying she wanted to shoot Nancy Pelosi in the head - has been arrested.
And yet the woman who said she wanted to hang Nancy Pelosi, Marjorie Taylor Greene, is still serving in congress.
A CDC study claims people without the vaccination are 29 times more likely to be hospitalized.
For anti-vaxxers who have taken Ivermectin, the horse dewormer, 29 is if you stomp out ten with your hoof two times and then nine times.
Am I the only one who thinks Terry Bradshaw is a flaming a-hole?
During the Super Bowl trophy award ceremony he told Chiefs coach Andy Reid to "Waddle on over here."
Bradshaw is fatter than Reid. What a d*ck.
@CaslerNoel
Melania only made one magazine cover and that was "New York" magazine kissing a fireman in a 9/11 issue for which she was paid $350. Melania was a super model the way a mall cop is a super hero.
She was always in the running, but the official smartest person in Hollywood is now
@WhitneyCummings
for bailing on producing "Roseanne" prior to the vitriol hitting the fan. Whitney started that show with good intentions. But Roseanne is Roseanne.
"Cheats on his wife with a porn star? Who cares? Cheats on his taxes? Who cares? Cheats contractors out of payments? Who cares? Wait. He cheats at golf? This changes things."
- Many Republican men.
Boston is holding a Straight Pride Parade.
Boston won the Super Bowl, the World Series and is contending for the Stanley Cup. That should be enough to satisfy straight people.
She can sing. She can play drums. She can play the sax. She can play the piano. She can play guitar. She can record like an engineer. She can draw. She can paint. She can sculpt. Build. She is hot and funny.
What the hell?
On Twitter, I have seen comedians go from hitching rides to every open mic spot to living in a big ranch house in the Hollywood hills with a pool and flying first class from New York to La each week.
@ericarhodes
@DanLaMorte
are about to be the latter if they are not already.
The big white dog, Sawyer, is following his human friend. Then the dog starts to mock his human with an almost perfect copy of the boy's handicaped walk. via
@berti_and_ernie
They should consider Eric Trump as the host of "Jeopardy."
The writers would have to adjust their clues accordingly.
"I'll take "Why won't you hug me, Daddy?" for $500."
The big white dog, Sawyer, is following his human friend. Then the dog starts to mock his human with an almost perfect copy of the boy's handicaped walk. via
@berti_and_ernie
Golfer, Lucas Glover's wife, Krista, was arrested for domestic abuse after she got drunk and attacked Glover for missing a cut. She also attacked Glover's mother and the police.
At this point Tiger Woods has to be asking himself how he let this gem slip away.
The scuttlebutt - if that is still a word - is that Mark Meadows, in a dire effort to save his ass, has flipped on Donald Trump and will testify to the Jan. 6th committee tomorrow.
@cevangelista413
"When I first met you, you were all "Oh phooey, I burnt the darn muffins;" now, you go into a bar and ten minutes later sailors come running out. What up with that?"
Right now, the initial over-whelming favorite Lauren Boebert is behind democrat Adam Frisch by 62 votes.
Anyone else want to see Boebert lose by 69 votes so we can make jokes about how she ate it?
@ThatEricAlper
The guy who played the banjo on Neil Young's "Old Man"? James Taylor. The backup singer on the chorus of "Heart of Gold"? Linda Rondstadt.
GOP Rep. Adam Kinzinger of Illinois likened the Republican Party to the Titanic.
That is a ridiculous comparison. The Titanic didn't have an orange, fat idiot trying to steer them into an iceberg.
Porn sites like PornHub are reporting traffic is finally back to normal after a drop during the World Cup. It takes World Cup fans a while before they remember it is OK to use their hands.
The rumors of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's pending divorce continue to grow.
This is a rough time for Meghan, Prince Andrew won't return her calls.
#HarryandMeghanAreAJoke
@quinncy
The night my mother died, she came to me in a dream crying and said, "You have to take care of John." John was my brother who had AIDS.
Before that, John and I never got along. But we did get along after that. Right up until he died six months later.
Gwyneth Paltrow is selling candles for $70 called "Smells Like My Vagina."
And all the candles sold out. Apparently people could not wait to snatch them up.
The first witness off the Gwenyth Paltrow ski accident trial testified, but it did not go well.
He just kept asking "What's in the box?" And then laughs.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for indecent exposure after dancing naked in a Waffle House parking lot.
Show of hands. Is anyone else surprised dancing naked in a Waffle House parking lot in Florida is illegal?
At the White House, Donald Trump is serving the Clemson Tigers food from McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's.
And, to think, we were worried the class and style of the Kennedy White House would never be replicated.