Aim True (Amy Pagett)
@AimTrue7
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ACC-TICC-Certified Trauma Informed Coach - Breathwork Facilitator-Somatic Work-HBSc Psychology-B.Ed. 👉 👉
Joined July 2021
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For those who are new to following me. Here is my bio.
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Children who are abandoned (physically or emotionally) by their caregivers tend to self abandon.
Children mimic their parents, if they’ve been shown that their needs and wants aren’t a priority they will develop that belief and accept it as truth.
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Many children that we label as resilient are actually trying their best to survive a situation that they did not ask to be in.
Trauma doesn't always show up as acting out or aggression it can also present as very well-behaved, perfectionism and people-pleasing.
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Most people don’t want advice. They want to be seen, heard & validated.
When someone tells you their situation & you immediately offer advice you’re making it about you & what you think is right.
Most people know what to do, they just need a safe space to explore & be curious.
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As you begin to heal you may find yourself sleeping more and doing less.
This is your body’s way of catching up after living in constant chaos for so long.
You are deserving of rest, let go of the belief that says you are not.
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Trauma survivors are often good in emergencies.
They have mastered chaos and know how to switch off their emotions and push through the mess.
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Trauma survivors often always feel like they’re in trouble. This leads to over explaining & oversharing.
When your truth has been doubted or questioned in the past it leaves a lasting impact.
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Fear of using your voice is often trauma based.
There’s a belief that if you share your thoughts they won’t be heard, validated or believed.
Slowly you quiet your voice & lose touch with the words you truly want to speak.
In service of survival, you silenced yourself.
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Trauma is not just what happened.
It’s also what didn’t happen and what should have happened.
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Healing does not mean the triggers go away.
They still show up.
It means you are slowly able to greet them with compassion & understanding as you gradually shift the way you respond.
Be gentle with yourself.
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Trauma survivors learn to push themselves and stay busy. This strategy works well until it doesn’t.
When they begin to slow down they start to feel everything that the busyness was numbing.
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Many childhood trauma survivors develop a vivid imagination. This provides a means of escape.
When you can’t physically leave the situation, running away in your mind becomes a valuable option.
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@domiono
Trauma interrupts your neural pathways and can have you thinking that asking for what you need is dangerous. The good news is anything learned can be unlearned and your powerful brain can recreate patterns that allow you to thrive and ask for what you want with confidence.
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When you grew up with dysregulated parents you learned to find safety by trying to predict and manage the nervous systems of others.
You learned to listen & search for cues & shift accordingly. This is an adaptive strategy adopted in service of survival.
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Adults who were not seen, heard or validated as children will likely be triggered if a person is dismissive with them.
It activates the shame of old wounds.
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In kids, trauma doesn’t always show up as loud, out of control behaviour.
Sometimes it shows up as obedient, quiet well behaved kids.
When you’ve lived in fear, you may be afraid of having a personality, with your own opinions, likes and dislikes.
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The child who develops the belief that love has to be earned, will sadly spend a lifetime trying to prove their worth.
Love shouldn’t be dependent on behaviour, come with conditions or be transactional.
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A dysregulated nervous system has a limited capacity. This is why you may find;
Concentration difficult
Trouble learning new things
Have a hard time engaging & staying present
Difficulty reading & recalling what you’ve read
Lack of patience
What else?
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A functional freeze state may look like;
You having the ability to complete daily tasks on auto pilot, like going to work, but you simply don’t have the capacity to engage in things like reading, learning, deep conversations or keeping your space clean.
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It’s possible to stay stuck in a functional freeze state for years, on auto pilot.
This is often why people stay in unhealthy relationships and toxic environments.
It’s hard to make changes when your nervous system is frozen in a dysregulated state.
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Many trauma survivors will appear like they have it all together. They often excel at work & other areas.
This is survival strategy, when chaos is happening all around you, you learn to survive in its existence.
This strategy often works well, until it doesn’t.
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It is never a child’s responsibility to regulate their parents nervous system.
When they take on his responsibility they grow into adults with codependency.
When a child responds/adapts based on cues from the nervous systems of others, they lose connection with their own.
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Trauma survivors often become very good problem solvers. They find a way to adapt & make things work.
This skill is often noticed by others & they become the go to person for others to rely on.
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Old abandonment wounds can be easily triggered.
If there is a hint of being dismissed, left out, unseen or unheard it sends us right back to being that little child again, feeling all the feelings.
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Many trauma survivors are very good at pretending.
They can be in turmoil and feeling intense emotional pain yet put a smile on their face and act as though nothing is wrong.
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Hypervigilance is exhausting.
It makes sense that you feel tired and worn out.
Trying to predict and avoid every possible threat takes a lot of energy.
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Self forgiveness is important in trauma recovery.
You make a lot of choices in service of survival & some are not always in alignment with your core values.
Know that you did what you felt you had to do at the time.
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@nate_postlethwt
Trauma survivors often miss red flags because they learned to normalize what others would consider unhealthy.
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Trauma survivors have learned how to push themselves, so much so that they often stay longer in unhealthy relationships or environments.
Pushing through is what they know, it is how they have survived.
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Trauma survivors can often show up at peak performance during turmoil and chaos. This is a skill they mastered in service of survival.
Things can be crumbling around them yet they show up with a smile, hiding any hint of distress.
Pretending is a big part of trauma survival.
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Abandonment by others often leads to self abandonment.
You may become whoever someone wants you to be in search of the attachment that was never met.
Your core values, beliefs & self image get lost in the search for the love you never felt.
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Trauma forces you to become who others want you to be.
Healing brings you back to who you authentically want to be.
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With healing comes the realization that other peoples dysregulation isn’t yours to carry.
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It can be difficult to hold space for others when you have dysregulated nervous system.
You may see their stories as trivial because a dysregulated nervous system has a low capacity for connection.
It’s difficult to connect with others when you are disconnected from yourself.
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Children who are raised in homes where guilt & shame are used as parenting tools see mistakes as an internal weakness rather than a learning opportunity.
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Trauma can disconnect you from your body.
You learn to numb and dissociate and this is why recovery feels so intense.
You are finally feeling everything that you pushed away.
Be gentle with yourself.
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When parents carry unhealed trauma they often don’t have the capacity to nurture & care for their child in a healthy way
This isn’t because they don’t love them but rather they don’t know how to manage what’s happening within themselves
Trauma is generational & so is healing.
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We normalize our experiences and this is why so many survivors begin to question the validity of their trauma.
They think “it wasn’t that bad” or “my memories aren’t clear, maybe I got it wrong”
Your body remembers even if your mind does not.
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Our bodies always give us signs before a breakdown, yet many of us are still shocked when it happens. Listen to the whispers before they become roars.
Trouble sleeping
Irritable
Feeling overwhelmed
Health issues
Brain fog
Limited capacity for learning
Disengaged
What else?
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Many trauma survivors are able to perform well at work and then fall apart at home.
It can be exhausting pretending to have it all together.
They come home and the performance drops.
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People with trauma need safe people in their lives who greet them with compassion and kindness.
When greeted with judgment and shame there is risk for further harm.
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A nervous system that is at capacity has difficulty
Learning new things
Holding space for others
Regulating emotions
Embracing the here and now
Maintaining attention
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Trauma survivors often become excellent at hiding reactions when triggered.
There may be a full explosive volcano within & yet they will appear cool, calm & collected.
This is often adopted in service of survival. It may not have been safe to express true emotions.
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Trauma survivors often stay longer in unhealthy relationships.
They’ve spent a lifetime adjusting to the nervous systems of others.
They internalize blame for other people’s actions.
Old conditioning tells them to listen to the needs of others & ignore their own.
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Trauma recovery is lonely. Reach out to those who become quiet or disappear. That small act can make a world of difference.
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Trauma is often an assault on personal space and this is why so many survivors make themselves small in an attempt to avoid taking up space and being noticed.
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Sometimes trauma survivors can come across as rude or abrupt.
This stems from a need for clear expectations as a means of safety.
There is no room for small talk when the need to avoid threat and danger feels so big.
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Our nervous systems are shaped by our environment.
When we feel safe & connected we become full of curiosity & wonder & we are open to exploration.
When we live in fear we become hyper vigilant, protective & reactive.
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A lot of people don’t talk about the anger that comes with trauma.
We may be filled with rage, angry thoughts & words.
Anger is often coupled with shame.
Healing involves uncovering what’s beneath the anger as it’s often a protective part.
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Sometimes our nervous system simply can’t handle one more thing.
This is when we get angry over spilled milk or other seemingly small things.
It’s never about the milk, it’s everything that happened before that.
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In a healthy relationship your partner calms your nervous system and isn’t the constant source of your dysregulation.
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Learning about trauma and how it affects the nervous system was so helpful for me.
It normalized the experiences I was having and allowed to give myself more compassion.
There wasn’t anything wrong with me, my body was responding to the wrong things that happened to me.
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When you grew up not feeling heard you develop a sense that your voice doesn’t matter.
You slowly quit trusting your inner thoughts and instead look to others for guidance.
A silenced voice doubts itself.
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When you grew up in a family that kept up appearances & kept secrets, you learned that authenticity was dangerous.
Old conditioning seeps its way into adulthood & you disconnect from your true self.
You become who others want you to be because as a child this was normalized.
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Trauma survivors often find themselves over sharing.
When this happens your response matters.
Silence or changing the topic will trigger shame.
Acknowledge what is being said so that their words have a soft place to land. Fill that space with compassion not judgment.
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When you’re struggling with a dysregulated nervous system small things will feel huge.
Getting cut off in traffic or spilt milk can cause a rage response.
It’s not really about what’s happening in the moment.
It’s the things leading up to that moment that were pushed down.
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Trauma can make friendships difficult. It can feel like trying to find the balance between being “too needy” and “building walls”in service of protection.
If as a child you were viewed as “too much” it’s difficult to take up space in a relationship.
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Many trauma survivors become so good at acting like they’re ok that people are often shocked when it’s discovered they are not.
Masking is a powerful tool.
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What many don’t understand is that trauma lives on in the body long after the event has finished.
Triggers lead to reliving the event again and again.
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When a trauma survivor answers “I don’t know” to what seems like a simple question like:
How are you?
What are you feeling?
Where does it hurt?
They likely don’t know. These aren’t simple questions when you’ve spent a lifetime ignoring your needs, feelings & body.
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With healing comes grief.
You grieve what was, what wasn’t and what could have been.
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Many trauma survivors end up very sick and then wonder how it got so bad.
When you’ve spent years ignoring your body you miss the signs that your health is struggling.
In service of survival you push through, until you can’t.
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Upon first impression some trauma survivors may seem stuck up or rude.
The lack of emotion & interest is often misinterpreted as rudeness when in fact it’s an act of protection.
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Trauma can feel exhausting as you engage in life with a dysregulated nervous system.
There is a constant feeling of hypervigilance and a need to keep yourself safe & avoid danger.
Life is lived through a lens of protection rather than connection.
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Rage is a very common response to trauma. It’s one that many people don’t talk about because it causes shame.
It’s a normal response when your nervous system is dysregulated.
Be gentle with your rage & compassionately seek what it is trying to tell you.
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Decision making can feel overwhelming for trauma survivors.
Their past has shown them the worst case scenario & they anticipate it’s return at anytime.
The burden of making the wrong choice can send them spiralling into dysregulation in an attempt to seek safety.
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A dysregulated nervous system has a limited capacity for learning.
Nervous system regulation begins when we feel safe, so safety should always be the priority in a learning environment.
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A dysregulated nervous system has a limited capacity for learning.
Healing is all about new learning.
This is why healing takes time. You must slowly regulate your nervous system so that the new learning can be absorbed and applied.
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It’s amazing what people can do in a dissociative state.
Many functioned very well like this for years.
Reflecting back there’s often a lot of blanks in memories as survival was the focus rather than engaging in the here and now.
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Be mindful that if as a trauma response you put the needs of others before your own & tried to save people that you don’t repeat this pattern in recovery as well.
Many survivors jump into helping others with their trauma recovery before they’ve done the work themselves.
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Trauma survivors often feel like they’re in trouble or that people won’t believe them.
Old conditioning is hard to shake.
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Dissociation comes in varying degrees.
Some people may be disconnected from themselves yet appear calm & engaged.
It's sometimes subtle & goes unnoticed by onlookers. However, the person disassociating will likely have difficulty recalling details as they shift to autopilot.
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Trauma changes how you respond.
You may overreact to things that others would think are small.
Or you may under-react when a bigger response is expected.
Our reactions are based on where we are sitting within our nervous systems as well as what we have learned to normalize.
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While in survival mode you are willing to compromise your core values because surviving is most important.
As you heal you become more in alignment with what matters to you and gain confidence expressing what is right for you without guilt or shame.
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What is often termed as a resilient child is actually a child who was forced to survive in a situation they did not ask to be in.
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Addictions & self sabotage don’t often begin because we hate ourselves.
They begin because we hate what someone else did to us and that slowly eats away at our self love.
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For trauma survivors there can be a fear of success.
Successful people are seen and heard and the trauma response of staying small feels much safer.
Embracing the life you want involves slowly letting go of old beliefs & conditioning.
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With new awareness comes grief.
We grieve what happened, what didn’t and what should have happened.
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Avoidance is part of trauma.
We avoid healing and new discoveries because even though our current strategies may be unhealthy they are familiar.
It feels safe to stick with what we know.
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It can be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who carries trauma.
So much of their responses are in service of protection and avoiding getting hurt.
Breaking down those walls of protection, requires safety, compassion and gentleness.
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When your nervous system is overwhelmed there isn’t much capacity to engage & connect with others.
Everyday tasks or even conversations can feel like too much.
Your body is conserving energy to survive.
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If you want to help someone in their healing journey, don’t tell them what to do.
Listen, provide a safe space and ask them what they need from you.
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Unhappy and unhealed people lash out at others.
When you realize this you quit taking things personally.
People project their unhealed wounds onto others.
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Often when we were abandoned as children we grow up to abandon ourselves.
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When you’ve lived your whole life in survival mode you become accustomed to go go go.
As you begin to heal you may find yourself resting more & it may feel like too much.
It’s not! Your body is taking time to recover from all the resting you didn’t get.
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If your child does something wrong & your first thought is, “What will people think?” you are likely parenting from a place of control not compassion & connection.
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Trauma changes the way we interact w/ the world & how we engage in relationships
This often means 2 things coexist at the same time
There is desire for connection yet this also seems unsafe in service of protection
Be gentle w/ yourself as you navigate the world with trauma
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It’s important to understand that a parent not being attuned or emotionally available to their child can feel like abandonment.
You don’t need to be physically left alone to feel the pain of abandonment.
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Complex trauma can feel unreal.
We hold back in sharing our story because it feels like too much.
So much, that it may not be believed & that is why many stories come out in pieces.
When it’s too much for us to handle it feels like too much to share with others.
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Not everyone has the capacity to hold space for your feelings/experiences.
We may create the narrative that people don’t care but it’s possible that their window is so narrow that they simply can’t hold space for other’s feelings because they can barely hold space for their own.
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A big part of survival mode is self abandonment.
You let go of your needs, wants and core values.
Recovery is about finding your way back to what matters to YOU.
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Talk therapy didn’t work well for me. So many of my symptoms were physical.
In order to work towards healing I needed to connect to my body.
My 1st trauma happened when I was young. I couldn’t articulate my experience into words, I only knew how it felt.
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Connecting to your body is so important in recovery.
Many of us survived by disconnecting and disassociating.
That’s why learning to listen to our bodies is so hard, it goes against the feelings of protection and safety we came to rely on by not feeling.
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When you struggle with abandonment small things that seem insignificant to others are huge for you.
A friend cancelling plans or a forgotten phone call can send you spiralling.
Things change, this does not mean catastrophe, even though your body is processing it as such.
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If someone hands you their vulnerability it a beautiful gift.
Handle it with care and compassion never shame.
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A good sign of healing is that you begin to trust your inner voice.
You listen and value its worth. You transition from relying on others to guide you and know that you have the answers within you.
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A traumatized nervous system responds differently.
When you realize that many reactions are in service of protection it’s easier to see through a lens of compassion & understanding.
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Listening to your body is hard if you’ve spent a lifetime ignoring it.
Be gentle with yourself as slowly begin to learn the language of your nervous system.
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Dissociation doesn’t always mean shut down, many are able to meet high expectations.
Some people live in this state daily & still accomplish many goals. Many are high achievers who excel at work.
It’s adopted in service of survival & works well until it doesn’t.
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Trauma recovery involves becoming an expert on yourself.
It involves deepening your awareness about your thoughts, beliefs, feelings & sensations in the body.
We often abandon ourselves in service of survival. Recovery is finding your way back to your authentic self.
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