Dr. Bob Beare
@DrBobBeare
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Psychologist & bestselling author on healing and releasing trauma. Get my newsletter for weekly insights 👇
Austin, Texas
Joined September 2016
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The Audiobook is out on Audible. Go to
This book made it to
#1
in five Amazon categories! Thanks for your help. THE AUDIO BOOK IS COMING SOON. Go to to be the first to get promo pricing info.
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@gabryellejae
Yes, my family of origin is the very last place I go for creative or healing support.
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Two types of humans:
1. Those with trauma, have acknowledged it, and are doing inner work.
2. Those with trauma
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Most people don’t know what trauma is.
Let alone what recovery looks like.
Here we go:
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Healthy relationships are rare.
Conflict and defensiveness are common.
Here's what sh*tshow vs. healthy looks like:
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I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.
C.S. Lewis
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"I'M NOT A CONTROL FREAK"
Ok, thanks for sharing.
Control is a trauma response.
Here's how to identify the pattern and heal:
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@Theholisticpsyc
"Lazy" and "procrastination" don't exist. It's fear and shame - Ingested from anxious caregivers.
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Anxiety is fear.
It comes from trauma.
We all have trauma - mild or severe.
Here's how to identify it and let it go:
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IS EVERYTHING TRAUMA!?
That's all I hear these days.
Consider it an overdue wakeup call
Like it or not, trauma is running the entire show
Here are the basics of what it is, and how to heal:
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The best places to find your shadow:
1. People you deeply hate
2. People you greatly admire
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𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗬 𝗨𝗡𝗣𝗢𝗣𝗨𝗟𝗔𝗥:
Food is an addiction.
It is severely misunderstood.
It is the most deadly of all dependencies.
Here's the truth:
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Depression is trauma unhealed. It freezes us out of life. To unfreeze takes loving support and grief work. Then we can come back to life and find that vibrant river of joy.
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The black sheep (truth teller) in many families becomes the identified patient. And the psychiatric world is set up to medicate that evil black sheep. So the family never looks at itself, the black sheep gets numbed out, and the truth disappears.
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I can fix them.
I know I can save them.
Dammit, they just won't fix.
Codependency is an addiction.
It's serious - here's what it looks like:
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Parents who have healed their trauma can give emotional space to their kids. It's rare. It's deeply needed. It's the greatest of all parental acts.
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When we are young and vulnerable and are abandoned emotionally - by distracted caregivers - it leaves a hole. And we scramble to fill it for a lifetime.
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Emotional health is attractive to the emotionally healthy. Shitshow behavior is attractive to people who are still living the shitshow.
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"DON'T BE SO ANGRY, BE NICE"
Anger is deeply misunderstood.
Here's another way:
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“Trauma is the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering” - Peter Levine
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@Theholisticpsyc
Big love. Big trigger.
I can feel that one in my chest.
To love and be loved cleanly is courageous and vulnerable.
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@Theholisticpsyc
Poor concentration, negative self-talk, interpersonal conflict, and low energy are all symptoms often misdiagnosed and medicated - disallowing healing.
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9 WAYS WE STAY STUCK IN CODEPENDENCY
We tend to blame it on everything else.
Here's the truth:
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The right response to being treated badly is anger.
Quit smiling through it.
Quit apologing for it.
Anger is healthy.
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“You are selfish”
“Thank you, it’s taken me a long time to get here - would you rather I be ‘you-ish’?”
“Well, you are self-centered”
“Thank you, it’s taken me a long time to get here - where would you prefer I be centered? On you?”
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Increasingly developing a best friend relationship with myself - letting the other relationships work themselves out.
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11 AVOIDANCE PATTERNS IN CODEPENDENCY
How we hide and how to heal
Next in the series
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@MindTendencies2
If we’re not going to be playful in this lifetime, when?
Are we waiting for the next lifetime?
Hanging out with playful, fun, relaxed, spontaneous people.
That’s my very specific goal for success.
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1) Trauma says “Gotta keep ‘em all happy for me to be happy.”
Recovery says, “I’m whole.”
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We all are being run by our unconscious, old wounds, and limited thinking. That's why it's so important to access emotions. Consciousness comes on a river of grief and joy - not intellect.
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2) Trauma says “I gotta soothe them.”
Recovery says, “Its ok to let them have their discomfort.”
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5) Trauma says “Your opinion of me is my reality.”
Recovery says “Your opinion of me is none of my business.”
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@Theholisticpsyc
Defensiveness is impacted criticism from childhood.
It’s the right response - until we heal it.
Then, the world seems like less of an attack.
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"INNER CHILD WORK IS FOR WIMPS"
No, it is a direct plunge into emotional healing.
It takes a kind of vulnerable courage few access.
Read on, and let's put therapists (like me) out of business:
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@ML_Philosophy
The worst thing a woman can do to a man is take relationship advice from twitter. And vice versa
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@ATMwithJacy
The New Parenting Playbook
It’s very complex:
1. Do your inner work
2. Then do your inner work
3. Conclude by doing your inner work
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I was miserable, got help, got more miserable, then I got better.
I always tell folks when they come to me that it will get worse before it gets better… and the better won’t even resemble today.
Most aren’t interested. They want a quick fix. I don’t collude with that.
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Intuition is a whisper.
And it's very difficult to hear with a head full of trauma-driven negative messages about ourselves and the world.
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The Big Secret About Dating:
We're told "the one" is "out there."
And that they will fix our little miseries.
Here's what the Romance Industry doesn't want you to know - The "one" is within.
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Consider who you share your creativity and healing with. My family of origin is the very last place that I look for validation and support on these topics.
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With a calm nervous system, we no longer have to grab every stimulus, answer every question, every ringing phone, or opportunity to argue. Shut tf up and breathe is an advanced technique.
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@Theholisticpsyc
We survived by becoming whatever would reduce the chaos...and have been practicing these skills for years. Takes a lot of inner work and support to return to authenticity.
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9 HEALTHY PATTERNS OF RECOVERING CODEPENDENTS
We've looked at the mess, here's the promise:
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7) Trauma says “I’ll do anything to keep you.”
Recovery says “I’m my own best friend.”
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6) Trauma says “I’m sorry and let me explain endlessly.”
Recovery says…very little.
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@Theholisticpsyc
Unresolved trauma in caregivers obscures their ability to patiently affirm creative divergence in children.
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@Theholisticpsyc
Shame is the main byproduct of trauma. It runs every aspect of our life until we begin the grief and healing process. The return to self is a sweet homecoming.
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ALL the world's problems are due to unhealed trauma.
Wanna try to change my mind?
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4) Trauma says “I’m clairvoyant - I feel everybody’s pain and I can fix it.”
Recovery says “I’m aware of myself as a separate, competent, and whole person - and so are you.”
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"RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO EASY"
Bullshit. They are the hardest.
But they don't have to be.
Here's a success plan:
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@Theholisticpsyc
Sometimes we set goals that are not completely ours.
They are tinged with shoulds, oughts, and musts.
Creat a vision that comes straight from the heart.
In direct collaboration with that creative child within.
Then the small goals toward that vision will feel easy.
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3) Trauma says “I know what they all need.”
Recovery says, “I’m focused on me.”
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The silent treatment was a tactic in my family of origin. I've used it as a manipulation. I've experienced it from others often in the past. Now I'm letting go of the old behavior - and have minimal tolerance for it in others.
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We choose partners who make us feel as we did as children - hoping it will be better this time.
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13 REASONS WHY TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR CHILD WITHIN
Want to get rid of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem?
The kid within us holds the keys to healing.
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Rather than obsessively looking for that great partner, consider developing emotional maturity, courage, caring, and humility. Then you may attract same.
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17 CONTROL PATTERNS IN CODEPENDENCY
And how to let them go.
Next in the series.
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Confidence is a natural result of healing. Can't whip ourselves into it.
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@Theholisticpsyc
I've found this to be true as I've continued healing work. Surrounding myself with others on the path and letting go of people still holding on to the toxins.
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Compassion comes from pain transformed. Codependency (phoney niceness and fixing others) comes from pain repressed.
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@Theholisticpsyc
Our nervous system is brilliant and our best ally, always looking out for us.
Sometimes in an exaggerated way due to unresolved trauma.
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@Theholisticpsyc
So much time and effort spent on trying to fill that childhood need to appease the giants.
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CRISIS ADDICTION
Sh*tshow relationships say:
"I need a crisis. There must be something we can argue about."
Healthy relationships say:
"My need for chaos is a trauma response. Self-care and inner work are the best things I can do for my relationship."
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"Self-soothing" with social media and Netflix is like cleaning a wound with a wire brush.
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If we want to make therapy more effective, we need to get actual healers to train healers.
Currently we have academics training thinkers to think.
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Apologies are easier than behavior change. That's why so many people are addicted to saying "sorry."
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As we grow, the need for big hits of excitement recedes - small moments of beauty and peace become sacred.
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@Theholisticpsyc
We codependents are experts at molding ourselves around other’s needs/wants.
To the exclusion our own.
We learned early.
It’s trauma.
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Traits of Adult Children of Dysfunction
(Which is all of us)
a thread
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When we stop making and seeking apologies - and start living our life boldly - magic happens.
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Setting boundaries, letting go of toxic people, and choosing a healthy circle is like curating a museum.
There are Van Gogh sunflowers under tons of velvet Elvises.
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Inner work is the best thing we can do for ourselves, our kids, the world.
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13 SIGNS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM IN CODEPENDENCY
And how to get beyond the misery.
Next in the series:
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When we are full of anxiety (fear and shame from trauma) we try to control others in an attempt to feel better.
Kids get it the worst.
Until we heal, children are unable to have their own emotions because they become hypervigilant to the needs of the unconscious caregiver.
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𝗡𝗢𝗕𝗢𝗗𝗬 𝗪𝗔𝗡𝗧𝗦 𝗧𝗢 𝗛𝗘𝗔𝗥 𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗦:
Food is an addiction.
It is severely misunderstood.
It is the most deadly of all dependencies.
Here's the truth:
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Name the biggest change in your life since you started healing your old crap:
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What does this quote mean to you?
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
C.G. Jung
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Heal your wounds
Calm your nervous system
THEN speak your emotional truth
Otherwise it will be explosive and not heard
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If we never did anything else, just having the information that unresolved trauma runs our lives - is huge.
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@Theholisticpsyc
It’s one of the dangers of vulnerability - unstable people will try to fix and advise you.
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We learned to please everybody or detach from everybody. Both are trauma responses. Detached or over nice - it got us here. Time to come back to authentic and let folks deal with it as they will.
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The word "love" has been corrupted by the superficial romance obsession. The real deal is deep, mature, and accepting.
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Whatever emotional support we needed when we were kids and didn't get, is what we need now to calm the fear, shame, and anger.
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@Theholisticpsyc
I see my partner through eyes clouded by unresolved trauma.
And wonder why it’s not working.
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@Theholisticpsyc
We replicate patterns learned from our original dysfunctional family systems.
And we wonder why our relationships are conflictual, chaotic, and unsatisfying.
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