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@woodmuffin
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MOONLIT FLOOR OUT NOW
• 278575 Tweets
JUMP
• 209033 Tweets
Mets
• 165541 Tweets
Falcons
• 68220 Tweets
天使の日
• 54669 Tweets
Diana
• 43227 Tweets
#PowerGhost
• 31032 Tweets
Kirk Cousins
• 28753 Tweets
Bucs
• 28066 Tweets
MerzAesthetics x KTMP
• 27655 Tweets
Hayırlı Cumalar
• 23766 Tweets
SB19 IS ACER READY
• 21614 Tweets
#PowerBook2Ghost
• 19438 Tweets
HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT JIN
• 18587 Tweets
Mooney
• 18185 Tweets
ワートリ
• 16914 Tweets
Tariq
• 16380 Tweets
感謝マルチガチャ
• 15832 Tweets
Cane
• 14655 Tweets
PRABOWOsiapkan YangTERBAIK
• 13648 Tweets
Bleed
• 13113 Tweets
KEKUATANkita PERSATUANkita
• 13046 Tweets
最大4体ゲット
• 12656 Tweets
人達同士
• 12616 Tweets
#يوم_الجمعه
• 12502 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
The Addams Family
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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I've made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
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No Looney Tunes character stands the test of time better than Wile E. Coyote: a self-defeating dipshit who can't stop ordering packages from a shitty, indifferent corporation
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I love getting out of bed in the middle of the night wearing a sleeping gown and nightcap, carrying a small candle on a metal dish from room to room, nervously asking who's there
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Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(
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Ernest Hemingway was once asked to write the saddest story possible in just six words. His response was
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Post Malone always looks like a vandalized Wendy's logo
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I really can't tell if this is computer generated or a clever parody of it
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Whoever wins the Mega Millions jackpot will be poised to become the first billionaire to pay taxes
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It's hard to top the wholesomeness of the Middle English Wikipedia page for "Frog"
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Conspiracy theorists have gone from "jet fuel can't melt steel beams" to "jet fuel is scientifically impossible"
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Max why do you have a phone shaped like your dad's friend
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[singing the TMNT theme song to myself while going grocery shopping] nor-mal hu-man interaction, nor-mal hu-man interaction, NOR-MAL HU-MAN INTERA
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If you eat three of the same color M&Ms in a row, they should disappear from your stomach just as if they were Candy Crush pieces
Please quote tweet this with your most controversial food opinion, I love controversial food opinions
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Why don't they have a WHITE history month?? Why don't they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why's there no cemetery for ALIVE people??
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Hillary Clinton warns Democrats against far-left turn before 2022 midterms
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It's not fair that I got fired from Pitchfork just for accurately describing Tom Waits as "The soundtrack to Oscar the Grouch's funeral"
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If you can't afford to tip your wife's boyfriend 20%, then you can't afford to be married. Full. Stop.
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This tidbit from the original version of The Producers is nuts:
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Tim Robinson has mastered the art of looking inherently untrustworthy. I don't know if it's the haircut or the razor burn on his neck or his posture, but the man is a genius
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We're up all night till the sun
We're up all night to get some
We're up all night for good fun
The Addams Family
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The jellyfish is the most masculine creature in the sea, as it is both fragile and toxic
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*plap plap plap plap plap plap plap plap*
What did u just say about scuba divers, u son of a bitch
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When your co-worker brings donuts to the office and you have to pretend you don't want one immediately
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No one texts like Gaston No one tweets like Gaston No one holds down control-alt-delete like Gaston
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Hour 7 of refusing to say "when" as Mom spoons more and more mashed potatos onto my plate. Grandma crying, uncles yelling, I will not yield.
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Don't let Nintendo's propaganda dispute what you know to be true: Link and Zelda are elves
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The incendiary devices have failed, target remains operative. Fall back and tell the Pentagon we don't have a prayer
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haha i've kept this police sketch artist here for two hours and he still doesnt realize he's been drawing the Cheers cast one by one
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I don't care whose concert you're at, a mid-show circumcision is a terrible idea
Pink Kicks Out Concertgoer Protesting Circumcision Mid-Show: 'Do You Feel Good About Yourself?'
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Downloaded this "grinder" app to find opponents who will let me earn more XP by trading blows with them. I've got a lot of positive responses, even from guys who look way stronger than me!
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Kids today are too busy saying "yass queen" and not spending enough time listening to the works of Yes and Queen
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You, a simpleton: Peter Pan was named after Pan the satyr
Me, whilst also solving a Rubik's Cube: Captain Hook was named after cause he's got a,hook hand
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my co-workers placed an incubator on my desk in the morning and timed it so that the baby ducks would hatch right when i arrived, making me their de facto mother. this is the cruelest and most beautiful prank ever to befall me.
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This guy is the Pepe for Gen X nerds. If you have a soul patch, shaved head, and own more bowling shorts than the number of times you've actually gone bowling, this guy makes you clap like a little kid
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"But Jesus, why were there only one set of footprints?" "Sand people travel single file to hide their numbers"
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If Jim Varney were still alive today, he'd be in his late-career, critically-acclaimed dramatic phase. No question he could do it. If Jim CARREY had died in 1998, this statement would sound just as ridiculous referring to him
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In second grade, I was given an IQ test and determined to be a genius based on my ability to mentally rotate shapes. As an adult, I now make $350,000/yr. sitting in a chair and thinking about rotating shapes all day.
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"For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
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Mary Shelley deserves credit not only as a successful female writer in the 19th century, but as the only inventor of a Halloween monster. Every other monster was created through folklore or myth, but Frankenstein's monster has just one mind behind it
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@PlanetofFinks
Any time The Office was filmed outside, its lack of Pennsylvanianess was obvious
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*9/11 footage freezes just as 2nd plane is about to hit south tower* now what kinda mess'd them Duke boys get themselves into this time?
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one time there was a caterpillar who didn't want to be a butterfly so he just grew bigger and faster and louder and thats why we have trains
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@bloodberry_tart
Whoops I accidentally liked this and now, thanks to the algorithm, random people will see this against their will!!
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If you start playing the Sealab theme song at 11:59:36 PM on New Year's Eve, the years will change from 2020 to 2021 simultaneously
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i've invented the Universal Bird Translator *outside chirps transform into chorus of a thousand LET'S FUCK and THIS IS MY SPOT*
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Bald eagles are like libertarians: private, enjoy hunting/fishing, beneficiaries of numerous gov't programs that they will never acknowledge
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Q: Are vaccines safe?
A: No, they are under attack from 90's celebs with medical degrees from Infowars University
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Tears In Heaven is easier to play if you tune your guitar to BADDAD.
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"of course i've had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i'm doing!!" *types "what do girlfriends eat" into google*
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Hey nerd that's a nice article you're writing. It would look great in The Atlantic *grabs manuscript and tosses it in the ocean* hahaha
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The working title of "The Man in the Iron Mask" was "Ferrous Ruler's Day Off"
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Artist's depiction of every billionaire's assassins trying to enter the Manhattan jail at once
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FREDDIE MERCURY: fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON [meekly, from inside a locker] actually,
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"Macho Man Randy Savage" is just a list of things that i am
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Voting is like pressing the walk button at an intersection. It doesn't change anything, but if you wait long enough you'll get the white guy
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There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
"This could be Kenan or this could be Kel"
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This is some Bugs Bunny shit and I am here for it
He used Snapchat’s “gender switch” filter to pose as a 16-year-old girl online, and take down a police officer allegedly looking to hook up. He tipped off the PD, and the officer was arrested.
Our exclusive interview with the man, and why he did it, at 11 on
@nbcbayarea
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Rare photo of one of Pittsburgh's majestic sub-buses coming up for air
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Vontaze Burfict has mutilated more Steelers at Heinz Field than Bane.
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For the final issue of MAD magazine they should just be serious for once
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Uhhh yeah, i'll have a bottle of your finest... *squints to read label* Peanut Gringo
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And you may tell yourself
"This is not my beautiful bullpen!"
And you may tell yourself
"This is not my beautiful pitcher!"
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Due to auto correct I'm now thinking about Lynyrd Skynet, the Southern rock defense network sent back in time to kill Neil Young but instead causes the 1977 plane crash
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vaccines do NOT cause autism. my parents gave me tons of vaccines and i turned out trains
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Twenty years ago, we had Smashing Pumpkins and the Spice Girls. Now we have pumpkin spice and smashing girls. Please RT to save my family
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PILOT:and then the cop starts breakdancing!
CO-PILOT:wow, hilarious. say why dont you go back and get us some coffee? i'll take the controls
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@FCardamenis
When Kenneth explains to the 30 Rock tour group that the Today Show was created to entertain prison inmates whose IQs were too low for them to be executed. Probably the most savage takedown of one's own network outside of the Simpsons and Fox
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"I already let the dogs out... thirty-five minutes ago" -OzyBahaManDias
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Girl are you Henri Matisse? Cause I don't like your late period
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i changed my phone's contacts to celebrity names to make people think i'm cool, but i can't remember if my mom is Michael Jordan or Snoopy
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When they said our son might have the gene that makes cilantro taste like soap, I told the geneticist to remove it before he was born. Now nothing tastes like soap to him. He's immune to punishment for swearing and won't stop calling me a bitch
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The rule is: if someone who would have celebrated your death dies first, you are allowed to celebrate theirs.
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i keep a close Steve on this Job of mine/i keep my Bob wide Hopin all the time/im Jony Cash & I sing WalkTheLine/10 yrs ago we were all fine
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COP: Mr Magritte *holds up photo* is this your wife?
MAGRITTE: no
"this isnt a picture of your wife?"
"yes"
"so this IS your wife?"
"no"
-
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♪ bow down before our new soft serve/you're going to get a cool dessert ♫
#TrentReznorAtDairyQueen
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When your wife watches too many deceptive cake-slicing vids
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If Pittsburgh had memes in the 1930s they'd probably look like this
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Dear Twitter please bring back automatic cropping for this image and this image only
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misogyny checkpoint: what’s the first tweet that shows up when you search “women” on your page ?
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If you were between the ages of 1 and 3 in the early 90s, this is what you look like now
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really glad i subscribed to Cth-Hulu, they have the series finale of every TV show in existence, even the news
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