Witch Hazel
@wit_haze
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Following
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Statuses
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Came for the jokes, stayed for the misandry Married! to @chapel3929
Joined May 2013
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Pinned Tweet
Since everyone dresses like a whore for Halloween I'm just gonna go as my dad's secretary.
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I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
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Marriage? No thanks I can angrily put dishes away all by myself.
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Hey famous people on Twitter who can't be bothered to interact, I will remember this in ten years when your hack-ass needs my vote on DWTS.
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Don't tell me about shifty politics, I was class Historian in 4th grade so I know a little something about back room deals & corruption.
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*fun prank*
Pass this to a guy at a party or concert, preferably in low lighting. *choking* wanna hit this?
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@blondebunnydoll
Her hair continues to amaze. Probably the healthiest blonde hair I've ever seen
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How about gift baskets that also serve divorce papers?
Dibs on the name Edible Estrangements™
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I have finally reached a point where I no longer need to be worshipped or validated. Please RT.
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This is our center for brain health if you want to know what living in Vegas is like.
Brain health.
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This hurts. Benji Gregory was a sweet, down to earth child actor and when us teens were partying, he was a straight edged skater. I'll never forget he wrote in my yearbook "Hope you become Miss America someday."
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My 72 year old mother who still calls FB MyFace, took a look at Twitter & said "Wow, you don't have to pretend be happy on Twitter." 🎯
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Weed allows me to support a whole family & put 2 kids through college.
It's my weed guy's family but still.
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I don't want to give away my exact locale but I'll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don't abuse this info.
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I'm afraid Twitter has changed me. I just looked up at the night sky & thought "It's okay Venus, I don't sparkle either."
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Erik & Lyle Menendez are both married but I can't get a text back.
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As a kid nothing prepared me for a lifetime of disappointment more than when I got my sea monkeys in the mail.
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Sorry you were intimidated by my effortless orgasms on our first date, but it was your idea to go horseback riding dude.
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I'm not saying I'm pampered, but whenever I played Oregon Trail I died because we ran out of name brand Kleenex.
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Redd Foxx said "It's not whether you are funny but whether you are liked." Apparently he saw Twitter coming a mile away.
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Don't worry existentially about where you go after you die. Worry about the rich necrophiliacs who bribe mortuary employees.
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Relationship Status:
I can't go out tonight because I have to be there for my cat when she wakes from her night terrors.
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If I was a billionaire I'd keep like 6 of you in big jars to entertain me at will, but with the little holes so you can breathe of course.
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Cats are a trip, can you imagine biting your friend because they're on the phone?
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If I've learned anything from commercials it's never wear a grey hoodie unless you want crippling depression or a yeast infection.
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If you're a grown man tweeting about Star Wars just know I read your tweets with a lisp.
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I'm not saying modern men are soft, but all my grandfathers & uncles fought in wars & my ex was furious that I wore his "good socks."
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What's your fave Bob Dylan tune?
Aaaaaaaaaa
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Eeeeeeeeeee
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Ooooooooooo
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*harmonica sounds*
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Every single rock song in the 70s took five minutes to get good.
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Welcome to 38. Your skin now looks like you sleep on terry cloth, enjoy.
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It's 111° and I've no AC in my car. So if you're into the glazed ham esthetic hmu
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My secret to getting kittens to stay still for photos?
One word: Staplegun
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Big accts are like Mexican food. The same 4 ingredients assembled 3 ways.
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Say what you will about millennials but no one has more triggers than a 55 year old alcoholic neighbor lady.
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In my day we didn't need a pizza tracker you could hear the muffler as it turned the corner
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I am "when the phone rang you just answered it without fear" years old.
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I may be off Twitter a while, taking a road trip to surprise my TC.
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Sometimes I wish some of you lived closer...to a place with no internet connection.
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Suitor: Tell me about yourself...
Me: My cat has eyelashes & the most adorable little lips & don't get me started on the tiny teeth.
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Relationship Status: You can't sleep in my bed because my one of my cats is a violent dreamer.
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Wanted to try but it keeps asking why I was looking at other sauces
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Is it emasculate or immasculate?
I want to be forthcoming in my dating profile.
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If you told me 20 years ago I'd be on some site talking to guys with names like balls deep & evil boner, I'd have offed myself in '96.
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When someone tries to insult you but they don't know your background...
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Seroquel. The nighttime sniffling sneezing anti-psychotic how did I wake up in my neighbors flowerbed medicine.
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Big burnt out accounts should have to take a test to keep tweeting like the DMV does with the elderly.
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I've never seen The Walking Dead but I've been to the welfare office in eastside Vegas so same
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I like to run errands when it's gusty.
No one has to know my hair always looks like this.
Or that I always drive like this.
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I am "people smoked on planes & air rage wasn't a thing" years old.
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*fitness goal*
Get fat enough so both of my cats can lay on me comfortably without fighting.
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When I'm sad about my current position in life I remember my ancestors trudged over mountains & sailed oceans with no radio OMG.
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In 2005 I dropped 230 pounds and never looked back. Some days I wonder how he's doing now.
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Robinhood Crypto is trending with the kind of people who spell it hussle
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When I see a bride in her dress waiting in a Vegas cab line I like to think she's taking that cab to get an annulment.
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if i give u my # and u text like this ur never gonna touch me lol
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Extensive self-defense training & haunted houses don't mix.
I know that now.
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Our millennial weathergirl can't say "Punxsutawney" so she says "our little groundhog friend" & that's why I hate everything.
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*current status*
Wishing I could clean my house fast like an 80s montage with high jinks along the way.
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Ex's mom gave me a fake Prada bag, after 5 mins in the sun a metal "A" melted off.
My "need to buy a vowel" jokes weren't appreciated.
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Got stuck between two jocks at the gym and almost bro-verdosed
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Anti-bullying? My dad DROVE me to fight bullies after school. Took off work & everything, the only value he instilled was punctuality.
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I see the local hacky comedian who unfollowed me is in a comedy competition...that I'm a judge of.
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Donald Trump's complexion reminds me of a leather belt my Dad used to beat us with.
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This millennial nurse has Steve Harvey mustaches for eyebrows & it's testing my composure
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If you guys don't keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I'm not even sure you're livin' right.
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