Widow in Waiting
@widow_waiting
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Adjusting to life with my husband’s #TerminalCancer … Grappling with #AnticipatoryGrief , parenting 3 kids (12/4/baby), & preparing for loss
Scotland, United Kingdom
Joined December 2021
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Pinned Tweet
Just over a month ago we received the devastating news that my husband’s cancer has recurred & it’s incurable.
We have 2 kids (11 & 3) & another on the way.
I’ve given up work to care for my family.
Life as we knew it, gone in a flash.
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
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Miracles *do* happen. We’re beyond thrilled to announce the safe arrival of our daughter. Today, I placed her in her daddy’s arms. They may only have a short time together but his love will last her a lifetime.
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
#EndOfLifeCare
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First night in our bed without him. It’s incomprehensible that he’s gone for good. So very grateful I’ve got our 6 month old for company.
Day 1 of
#widowhood
done.
Feeling strangely numb.
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
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My heart has been ripped from my chest. My soul is rent asunder. My love is gone.
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
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The light of my life is fading fast. All that remains is love.
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
0
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Day 2 of
#widowhood
.
It’s… odd. Mostly strangely calm. Moments of total love & care. Moments of excruciating, heart-wrenching pain. Moments of numbness.
I’m so touched by the outpouring of love here. Thank you all.
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A year ago today, my husband got his
#TerminalCancer
diagnosis & our lives went into freefall. I had a planned a 🧵 to reflect on 12mths of living w/
#AnticipatoryGrief
but I’m just too fucking tired. Of everything. So that’s it. That’s the tweet.
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This time last week we were sat on the sofa, watching tv. He’d developed a cough & was complaining of a burning feeling in his chest. We thought he’d probably caught a bug from the kids. If only I’d known it was his last night at home. 💔
#TerminalCancer
#Grief
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1st night ‘home’ for our baby. Except we’re not at home, we’re in the hospice. Baby will only settle in my arms. So no sleep for me. Although my husband is just along the corridor, I feel incredibly alone.
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
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Our dear friend
@CherryMorrello
has asked me to pass on the message that she is really poorly at present & unable to update Twitter.
So much love to you & Mr M, Cherry ❤️
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I shared the news of my husband’s death on my personal & professional twitter accounts last night. I suspect my days of (relative) anonymity here are numbered. And that’s ok. I started this account to give me an outlet for my
#AnticipatoryGrief
.
1/n
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I thought I was okay. Then it hit. Like a sledgehammer to the chest.
He is gone.
He is gone.
He is gone.
The pain is indescribable.
0
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Back in April, when my husband was at death’s door, we grieved the fact he wouldn’t see 12 start high school. Today, he walked 12 to the gates (after the obligatory doorstep pics!).
#DailyJoy
1:
#TerminalCancer
nil 💪
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A bit later than planned but with good reason…
GOOD NEWS
He’s home. Discharged from hospice inpatient care. Back where he belongs.
1/n
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🍒
@CherryMorrello
UPDATE 🍒
I exchanged a couple of brief messages w/ Cherry on Xmas Day. Her condition remains the same. I made sure she knew how much love there is for her on here.
I’ll update as soon as I hear any further news.
Remember to
#SmileAtAStranger
#AndTheirDog
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Day 18 of
#widowhood
.
His funeral. We did him proud.
“What will survive of us is love”
WH Auden
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
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Day 10 of
#widowhood
has been grim. I am spent, physically & emotionally. I dreamt about my husband. When I woke, I felt like I’d been kicked in the chest. Real, searing pain. I cannot fathom that he is gone forever. My heart breaks over & over & over.
#TerminalCancer
#Grief
💔
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No news to share. Which is good news. Another day of calm, quiet, loving togetherness. My husband worries he’s a burden; that our lives are on hold. Yes, we are in limbo, but this liminal time is a gift. It’s precious precisely because it’s finite.
#AnticipatoryGrief
💔
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Hey twitter pals. Could you do me a favour & reply with your fav emoji if this tweet appears in your feed? Since the latest changes were made, it seems that far fewer ppl are seeing my posts. I’m not here for the numbers, I’m here for the conversation & it’s all gone quiet 😔
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So here we are. 2023. Here’s to surviving. Here’s to finding joy. Here’s to sitting with the really difficult stuff. Here’s to love. Here’s to realising that life is precious. And short.
Above all, here’s to S. My wonderful, loving, stubborn husband.
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
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This beautiful girl was formally named today, in front of a very select gathering of family & friends. The ceremony was full of love & joy: a true celebration of family & togetherness. Best of all, it was captured on video so she’ll be able to watch it in years to come.
1/n
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A blissfully quiet day today. We’ve napped, cuddled our little miracle, chatted, spent time with our other kids. Tomorrow, we’re having a naming ceremony to officially welcome our wee one to the world. Precious times.
#AnticipatoryGrief
#EndOfLifeCare
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Excitement levels off the scale this evening.
#TerminalCancer
has robbed us of so much already. But tonight, joy abides.
#AnticipatoryGrief
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3yo came through to join me in bed this morning (as she always does). “When daddy was here, I watched cartoons on the iPad”. We cried together. “I don’t want daddy to die. I miss him”. Me too, darling. Me too. 💔💔💔
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
#ChildhoodBereavement
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We’re getting the hang of team naps today. Husband & I in our his’n’hers hospital beds, lil legs in her Moses basket. Sun is streaming through the window. Birds singing in the trees. The calm is palpable.
#GiftedTime
#EndOfLifeCare
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
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After a difficult start to the day, we’re ending on a high note. A delicious home-cooked roast dinner, shared with family. So wonderful to bust my husband out of the hospice for a few hours & just be together as a family. True respite from the sadness.
#AnticipatoryGrief
#EOLPC
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Day 7 of
#widowhood
. This time last week I was keeping vigil at my husband’s bedside for the final few hours of his life. Today I’ve been reading the incredible story of our relationship he wrote in his final weeks. I miss him more with each passing hour.
#grief
💔
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Day 32 of
#widowhood
.
Completed a job application. Feels like a massive achievement. So nice to use that part of my brain again. Would give anything to be able to tell my husband about it. He’d be so proud & happy for me. He was my greatest champion. 💔
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
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Baby has fallen asleep on our bed while I catch up on messages. I couldn’t resist taking a pic. I just turned around to show my husband. He would’ve loved it. The proudest of daddies. My heart breaks again. And again. And again.
#FuckCancer
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
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Day 5 of
#widowhood
. Running on fumes. So very grateful for the help of a dear pal & my brother. Kids thrilled to see their uncle. Sadness really creeping in for me now. I miss him with every fibre of my being. It hurts.
#grief
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
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Utterly awash with grief this morning. My love died a week ago today. It is impossible 💔
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
#widowhood
#grief
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Back home for the night with all 3 kids. Thankfully they’re keeping me busy. Trying very hard not to dwell on the fact my beloved husband is never coming home. It’s just too painful to contemplate. 💔
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
#EndOfLifeCare
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Day 337 of
#widowhood
Just over 11 months since my wonderful husband died.
13, 5 & 1 are thriving.
We’re going away for half term.
Today I was offered an exciting job.
Life is marching on. There is joy.
But how we miss you 💔
#Grief
#TerminalCancer
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Day 37 of
#widowhood
is not going well, despite 12hrs in bed last night (note: not 12hrs *sleep* - I have a perpetually hungry breastfed baby).
#Grief
is kicking my arse. So I’m going back to bed. Everything else will just have to wait.
I fucking hate this. 💔
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Another good day today. Calm persists. All the important stuff has been said & done. We’re into the realm of gifted time. Our focus now is love. And joy. And connection. For that is what makes us human.
#EndOfLifeCare
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Caring for my husband, 2 older kids & a newborn is pretty full on. So my tweets are likely to be a bit more sporadic in the coming days & weeks. But please know how grateful I am for all your support & encouragement. ❤️
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
#EOLPC
/ends.
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Settling down for the night at the hospice. It’s been a quiet day of naps, cuddles & nappy changes. Sibling time. And love, so much love.
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
#EndOfLifeCare
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Isn’t oxytocin incredible? My 5 day old is having a feed & I’m enveloped in the warm fuzzy glow of love. Her little squeaks & sighs, the smell of her head, her teeny hand resting on her cheek… She is so very precious. ❤️
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Day 49 of
#widowhood
. 7 weeks since I kept vigil at my husband’s bedside. I am spent. Hurting. Broken.
We got through day 48, Christmas Day. There were moments of joy. But there was a lot of pain, too. And I’m left with the mother of all
#grief
hangovers today.
#WidowedYoung
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Day 4 of
#widowhood
. Busy. Mostly calm. Intermittent bouts of sadness. Failed to get the drier fixed. Registered his death. Dear friend brought lunch over. 3hr nap. Very poignant bedtime story w/ 4 (highly recommend BTW). Wine & putting world to rights.
#Grief
#TerminalCancer
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My heart is so heavy today. I miss him so very much. How can he possibly be gone forever?
#Grief
#Widowhood
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
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Oh my… this is staggering.
I’m now picturing where my husband’s last thought took him. My money is on the beach where he wants his ashes scattered. Or, rather, the 9th hole of the golf course next to that beach.
Weeping gentle tears now 💔
This is why we talk to our patients even when sedated. Why they get their hand held, hair sorted, music on. We look after people, not numbers. This is quite a thing to watch.
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Utterly awash with grief this morning. Nothing more to say.
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
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Day 68 of
#widowhood
: rock bottom. I’ve finally hit it. And it’s every bit as shit as you might imagine.
#WidowedYoung
#TerminalCancer
#Grief
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Day 17 of
#widowhood
: a manic day of funeral prep. The eulogy is - FINALLY - done. I’m 90% confident I’ll get through it ok (but have a dear friend of my husband’s on standby if not). Absolutely wired & wide awake now so will likely be running on adrenaline & coffee tomorrow.
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90 mins away from the 3wk anniversary of my beloved husband drawing his last breath. Just settled baby (who’s got a stinking cold) back in her crib after a feed. I’m wide awake. The scale & finality of my loss weighs heavily; painfully so. I miss you, my love. Always.
#Grief
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Day 12 of
#widowhood
has been grim. It’s getting harder to cope with each passing day. I just want to sleep- it’s the only respite I get from the searing pain of my loss. Getting increasingly anxious about the funeral, too. It’s shit beyond measure.
#TerminalCancer
#Grief
💔
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I’ve been off twitter for a few days. Popped on tonight & saw the heartbreaking news about our wonderful friend,
@CherryMorrello
.
I’ve just been reading back through our WhatsApp chat. What an incredible woman she was.
My heart goes out to all who love her. Rest well, friend x
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So, into day 4 of
#widowhood
, I go. Buoyed by the love & support of 1000s of strangers, & some well kent faces too. Thank you all ❤️
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
#Grief
#WidowedParent
#EndOfLifeCare
#PalliativeCare
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Day 6 of
#widowhood
. Some much-needed sleep in the am while my brother entertained the kids. The gnawing pain of grief. A walk & chat with some wonderful friends. Wine with other pals. Dinner with the inlaws. A general feeling of disbelief. He’s gone. It just can’t be.
#grief
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9pm on day 47 of
#widowhood
. Christmas Eve. I’m exhausted. 4 has only just fallen asleep. Baby is wide awake. I still have 80% of the wrapping to do (incl. all the stocking stuff). The house is full but I feel so very alone. I knew the crash would come after yesterday’s triumph &
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My beloved husband died 3 months ago today.
We miss him more than ever.
My heart is heavy tonight.
#TerminalCancer
#WidowedYoung
#ChildhoodBereavement
#Grief
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Day 28 of
#widowhood
. I’m broken. Busy weekend has taken its toll physically. Awash with sadness this afternoon.
In a few short hours, it’ll be exactly 4 weeks since my husband died. My heart aches. I feel crushed by the weight of my grief.
#WidowedYoung
#TerminalCancer
#Grief
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Day 22 of
#widowhood
. 3 long weeks without my beloved husband.
Tested positive for covid today. Did ‘Tell Us Once’. Completed my
@WidowedAndYoung
registration. Had counselling.
Mundane. Calm. Empty.
I miss you, my love.
#grief
#TerminalCancer
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Day 20 of
#widowhood
: the post-funeral comedown has started. Oooft, it’s BRUTAL. Kids are feeling it too.
4: “I’m naughty because I’m so cross at the cancer for making daddy die” 💔
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
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Day 109 of
#widowhood
: total & utter exhaustion.
I am so tired of being tired.
I am so sick of being alone.
It’s shit beyond measure.
I want my husband back.
I want our lives back.
#WidowedYoung
#TerminalCancer
#Grief
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Day 19 of
#widowhood
.
Pub lunch with family. Pints with his best pal. Takeaway curry.
Missing him more than ever. He’d have loved all of this.
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
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Day 65 of
#widowhood
.
Floored with grief. Broken. Spent.
That’s it. That’s the tweet.
#WidowedYoung
#TerminalCancer
#Grief
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Day 372 of
#widowhood
1st full day in my new job.
A good day.
As I sat in traffic on the drive home, I desperately wanted to tell my husband all about it. Rang his voicemail just to hear his voice. Cried.
How I miss him. He’d be so bloody proud.
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
💔
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Every few minutes I think of something I want to ask / show / tell my husband. Then I remember he’s gone. And it breaks me anew.
He would’ve fucking HOWLED at this video (huge Bond fan; never one to take himself seriously). So I’m inviting you all to have a 😂 in his memory.
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Day 40 (40! How TF is that possible?) of
#widowhood
has given me hope.
Thanks to the kindness of friends & family - a gifted massage, help with childcare, dinner & drinks & a chance to just be.
I miss my husband more than ever. But I’m slowly finding a way through.
#Grief
💔
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My ❤️ is bursting w/ pride tonight, at the end of day 8 of
#widowhood
. 4 recited
@elketweets
’ ace book, ‘Is Daddy Coming Back in a Minute?’ pretty much verbatim to baby. It breaks my ❤️ that she needs to understand that death is permanent, but I’m so very proud that she does.
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13 weeks ago I kept vigil at my husband’s deathbed.
Tonight I shared in our baby’s glee as she splashed away in the bath.
#TerminalCancer
has stolen our future & broken our hearts. Those tiny, happy toes are a reminder that I must forge a new path for me & the kids.
#Grief
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Day 63 of
#widowhood
.
Went back to the gym for 1st time since he died. Got a bit choked up when I realised he was still alive last time I was there. But then PB’d my deadlift.
Applied for a job today, too.
Onwards…
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
#FindingMyWay
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A year ago today.
A lifetime.
A heartbeat.
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
💔
The light of my life is fading fast. All that remains is love.
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
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Day 202 of
#widowhood
.
Tonight 4 asked me to find her a step-daddy. Or another mummy. “Because we need another grown up at home. You can’t do it all by yourself”
From the mouths of babes… 💔💔💔
#WidowedYoung
#ChildhoodBereavement
#SoloParenting
#Grief
💔
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Will he really never wake me with his snoring? Or reach over for one last goodnight kiss?
How - HOW - can any of this be real?
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
#Widowhood
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Remembering my wonderful husband on
#WorldCancerDay
. He died of a rare head & neck cancer, acinic cell carcinoma, at just 43. He was a HUGE rugby fan. I’m not watching the
#CalcuttaCup
today. It’s just too painful without him.
#AsOne
#ENGvSCO
🏴
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
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Day 34 of
#widowhood
has been a bloody triumph. Took the kids & my inlaws on a Santa steam train outing. It was magical. A new family tradition in the making. Drank too much coffee though so wired to the moon tonight.
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
#ChildhoodBereavement
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Day 3 of
#widowhood
Adrenaline is running out. Exhausted but head is still buzzing. Find it hard to settle. Limbs like lead.
Have booked the funeral, packed away all of his meds, unpacked hospice bags, made umpteen phone calls, had hospital bed & equipment uplifted.
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Very excited to say that we have had some good news… Will update properly soon!
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
#EndOfLifeCare
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Life is really tough just now. My husband is home again after ~2wks back at the hospice. He’s very frail & each passing day brings more challenges. We’re not living, just surviving (& only just). The
#WeeMoments
are few & far between.
1/n
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Taking a break from Twitter for a wee while. Energy & headspace both in very short supply so need to focus on the absolute essentials. Apologies to those I owe replies.
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
#EndOfLifeCare
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Day 147 of
#widowhood
.
Achieved the near impossible today.
Packed car for a week’s holiday & drove to the Lake District w/ the kids.
Baby only squawked for the last 30mins.
No-one vomited.
I didn’t completely lose my shit.
#WidowedYoung
#ChildhoodBereavement
#Grief
💔
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Today has been a difficult day. Husband was unwell in the night. Anxious wait for medical help to arrive. But he rallied. Again. So I made it to the wedding of a family friend. And that’s my
#DailyJoy
. Amidst the horror of
#TerminalCancer
&
#AnticipatoryGrief
, love & hope abide.
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Day 46 of
#widowhood
was, quite frankly, a fucking triumph. Blitzed the nursery (aka junk room) in readiness for my bro’s family coming to stay for Xmas. Shame I didn’t take a before photo (you couldn’t see the carpet). This eve my dad & I took the kids to a Xmas lights show.
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Baby is sleeping (for now) so I must put my phone down & get some 💤 while I can. Huge thanks to everyone who’s sent kind comments today. It means the world to me that my comments are helping others navigate or understand
#AnticipatoryGrief
.
And 👋 to all the new followers.
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Day 25 of
#widowhood
.
A week since his funeral.
3.5 weeks since he died.
I feel empty: hollowed out by grief, exhaustion, sadness, disbelief.
#WidowedYoung
#TerminalCancer
#grief
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Very conscious that I’ve not been tweeting much. In all honesty, I’m tired & the brain fog is increasingly dense. Husband remains stable. We’re living day to day: focusing on cherishing this time as best we can while dealing w/ the utter headfuck of knowing he will die soon
1/n
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A year ago today my husband finished his 4th - & last ever - cycle of palliative chemo. We didn’t exchange cards or gifts. He didn’t buy me flowers. But we were together.
I love you, my darling. Always.
#WidowedYoung
#TerminalCancer
#Grief
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I’ll say it again. How - HOW - can he be gone forever? It is incomprehensible. Did I really spend last night keeping vigil at his deathbed? Will those books on his bedside table really stay unread? Those clothes unworn? Those chocolates uneaten?
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I’m at the ‘mindlessly scrolling twitter while leaning against the sink, hiding in the bathroom from the kids’ stage of exhaustion.
I’m just so fucking tired of being responsible for everyone & everything every minute of the day.
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
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Day 173 of
#widowhood
.
Baby turned 1 today.
There is so much I want to write about today. And about baby’s birth. But I’m too exhausted. Getting through the last few days, & reliving the trauma of last year, has been impossibly hard.
#WidowedYoung
#Grief
💔
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Overwhelmed by all the lovely comments after my radio interview this morning. My husband just told me to “try & get your big heid out the door now” 🤣🤣🤣
So very grateful for the opportunity to talk about
#AnticipatoryGrief
& for my husband keeping me grounded 🙄
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Day 44 of
#widowhood
was long. Very grateful for a dear friend putting in a long shift to look after baby, help round the house & listen to me offload about how shitty being
#WidowedYoung
really is. Gifts remain unwrapped. House a tip. Past caring.
#Grief
#TerminalCancer
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A very quiet day for us so far: taking turns to snuggle with baby while the other naps. Older kids coming to visit later. Planning lunch out somewhere nice for later in the week. Simple pleasures.
#EOLPC
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
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I used to love Friday nights.
Now, I dread them.
During lockdown, we used to celebrate the end of the working week with a takeaway & a decent bottle of wine. We’d watch a film with the kids, then catch up on Gogglebox (with more wine) once the kids were down.
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Day 14 of
#widowhood
. Surprisingly ok day, despite feck all sleep. Funeral stuff. Shared a toasted teacake w/ baby in the hospice cafe. Burst w/ pride over 12’s 1st high school report. Touched by all the replies to poem tweet. Is this what hope feels like?
#Grief
#TerminalCancer
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Day 297 of
#widowhood
I’ve been utterly floored by
#grief
today.
It’s my birthday. And it’s been grim.
Managed to plaster on a smile for a wee party tea with the kids.
I haven’t felt raw pain like this for quite a while. And, god, it hurts.
#WidowedYoung
#TerminalCancer
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Covid plus
#grief
is every bit as shitty as you might imagine. Feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. Trying not to fret about all the urgent
#sadmin
that needs doing. And missing my love more than ever.
#WidowedYoung
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Quick update. Husband doing incredibly well, given how close he came to dying on Sunday. Today has been calm. Lots of family time. Really helpful session w/ hospice social worker for me. Life expectancy still measured in days but we’re hopeful they’ll mostly be good ones 🤞
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Day 30 of
#widowhood
.
Test drove a car to replace my husband’s company car (the family car) & my car (which he bought me as a surprise gift 1 Xmas). Even the mundane, boring life admin tasks are laden with
#grief
.
Baby’s joy at avocado was welcome respite from the pain.
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Day 139 of
#widowhood
.
The realities of being a
#WidowedParent
bite. Yet again.
4 is ill.
She *hates* taking meds.
My husband was so good at holding her firmly but gently so I could administer meds.
She howled for him last night.
I want to howl for him now.
#grief
💔
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#IRemember
my darling husband, S.
Dedicated & fun-loving dad/daddy to
our 3 kids, incredible/infuriating
husband, friend to so many. Loved a
decent pint, terrible trainers, & awful
jokes. We will miss him forever.
@DyingMatters
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
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It’s World Hospice & Palliative Care Day today. I’ll be heading to our wonderful local hospice later to visit my husband, who was admitted a few days ago for help with symptom management. We’re so lucky to have their support.
#WHPCDay2022
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
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Day 9 of
#widowhood
. Sadmin. Funeral planning. Sorting baby clothes. Delighting in baby’s new found toy bashing skills. Paying bills. Bone-crushing fatigue. Loneliness.
Fuck this shit. I just want him back 💔
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
#WidowedYoung
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Happy 6th Anniversary to my wonderful husband. We’ve done a hell of a lot of living these last 6 years & have shared enough love to last a lifetime. Tonight we’re enjoying pink fizz while we wait for our takeaway.
#WeeMoments
#TerminalCancer
#AnticipatoryGrief
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As ever, my husband’s not doing things by halves. 2wks ago today, he was discharged from the hospice, having nearly died 3 weeks prior. Tonight we’re at Hampden for
#SCOUKR
, baby & all!
#AnticipatoryGrief
#TerminalCancer
#LivingWellDodgingDeath
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