Today is the day, my book NONE OF THE ROCKS is officially available to read, hear and burn! Excited to share it with everyone. And please come hang with me at a signing!
But not Proud Boys or any other white nationalist (aka neo-Nazi) organizations. If you vote for this abomination in the upcoming election, you are racist. He has no other platform outside of hate and white pride.
Next time you see someone you really want to meet (like a hot celeb) just be like “Hey we both have a really close friend in common.” and they’ll be like “Who?” and then you say “Jesus Christ, our lord and savior.” Then ask for his/her phone number.
What’s lonely about lifting weights and kissing your pecs in front of the mirror at 2am, totally alone and super drunk, while volleying between sobs and maniacal laughter?
Getting my teeth drilled and filled for the 10th time as an “adult”. Some see it as poor dental hygenie. I see it as a guy that treats each of his teeth like little newborn babies, swaddling them in heaps of ground beef and raisinettes to keep them feeling secure and warm.
I’m not saying I do, BUT, let’s pretend I had, on my hard drive, a fully produced season of a very funny, never before seen, short-form animated series. If it were to be, lets say, dumped online, how many of you would want to see it?
Paxton “Pac” Pacman (b. May 1980-d. February 2018) was a yellow guy that ate small circles while getting chased by ghosts - unless he ate a big circle, then he’d eat ghosts kinda. He died in a gutter, eating cigs. He leaves behind either his girlfriend or sister? Not sure.
The moonlight casts a scintillating tableau against the vast waterfront. Blades of grass sway in the breeze, assuming a deep azure. The hum of distant traffic apes white noise - headlights casting a dazzling phantasmagoria. 2 horny vampire dogs bang super hard in front of Arby’s.
As a Jew, who knows his family and people’s history very well, I agree— Trump is a Nazi. When this dipshit was elected my father called me saying, “We elected Hitler.” And I replied, “Yea, but, like, dumb Hitler. Right?” Dumb or not, here we are.
That story that woman told about Andrew Cunanan giving her a dollar while playing basketball was pretty cool. But why won’t anyone listen to my story about Jeffrey Dahmer giving me a gift card to Chili’s while I was playing frisbee golf?
Hello everyone: on top of everything else, cops are harassing, arresting and assaulting journalists for doing their job. In case you’re unsure, that’s a gross violation of the 1st Amendment. This is insane.
When a police officer in Minneapolis drew a weapon on her, Maggie Koerth, a reporter for FiveThirtyEight, held out her press badge and put her hands in the air. “They kept pointing the weapon at us while we were doing that and one of them said, ‘Shut up.’”
I drove around & forgot we were mid pandemic, saw 2 men in face masks talking & thought, “Hmm, 2 doctors talking.” Then saw an old man at a bus stop in a mask & thought, “Hmm, another doctor.” And then saw more people in masks & thought there were a lot of doctors around.
It’s incredible that American Airlines insists that everyone aboard eat 4 complementary, piping hot soft shelled crabs within 15 seconds or else they won’t take off.