Omg ya’ll. What I’ve said and how I feel has just hit me on a new level. My name is literally a form of poetry. I’ve lost and am rediscovering myself! 😭🥰
Poetry! I’ve only just realized that poetry is something I’ve been missing for years! Is that one of the subtle things that got squashed from my life by my ex?
I’ve been looking through some of my old books of poems, and it feels like I’m hugging an old friend.
Can someone be excommunicated from the LDS church after they’ve died? If they can be added after death, can they be removed?
Like if they did something really, really evil—like murdering their wife, mother-in-law, and children? Maybe? Asking for everyone.
I hurt my state senator’s feelings by sending a snarky email that criticized him. He called me. Personally. 31 minutes later (He did the math. I didn’t check it).
😂😂😂😂😂
@bessbell
My 2.5 year old is full of phrases like “not quite” and “almost.” And she is a chocolate pusher saying, “See, yummy!” My 9 year old has learned all the swears during the past 2 years. He doesn’t say them, but he reports when he wants to, and he tracks their use in convos.
Several years ago, before divorce was on my radar, I told my then-husband that a dear friend of mine was divorcing. “Is she going to be OK? She’s getting older, isn’t she worried about being alone and not finding someone else? At least she’s thin.”
As the conversation progressed, it shifted and I knew we were no longer talking about my friend. He was warning me.
He was the best I was gonna get. My value was gone—I was getting older, and I wasn’t even thin.
I’m so glad I didn’t let his BS scare me into staying.
In my LDS singles group, there was a guy who always had a chaperone. If a woman in the group brought her child, the man and his chaperone had to leave.
That’s all I was told.
I wish I’d asked more questions. I wish I’d rejected the notion that his privacy should be protected.
The bishop who told me, “let us know how we can help.” When I told him—manpower on the day I moved my stuff—he checked with my ex if that was ok. My ex said no. So I organized (wo)manpower among my friends in the neighborhood.
@poetickate
The stories I could tell about how bishops make things worse in DV situations. What ppl vouching for his character don't know that his public persona was very carefully crafted so that no one would believe his wife or kids abt the abuse. Sometimes bad ppl do good things.
Dating app dude: I’m in SLC for 2 more days. Will you be my hiking guide?
Me: So sorry, coffee is the best I can do in the next 2 days.
———
Who wants to go hiking alone with a stranger????
I asked former ward members for help moving my things from my ex-husband’s house.
Apparently the stake president (who was in the ward) told one of my friend volunteers, “Be careful. That’s a volatile situation.”
So he knew. His response was to deter people willing to help?
Something I think about too often. Ex’s bishop paid about $12k over 6 months to cover his mortgage after I stopped paying it.
I got no financial assistance from the church.
My son noticed someone looking through the Target trash cans for food and drink. He saw this man find and drink a discarded coffee.
We parked to get our purchase, and my son began asking how we could help.
He noted, “It looks like he has a warm coat. That’s good.”
1/3
Apparently my ex called my parents and told them that his biggest regret in life is having his name removed from church records. He told them of the things he’s doing to change that.
I’m breathing a sigh of relief that I’ve had our sealing canceled.
This 100%. I will make space.
The night I filed for divorce, my now-ex called at 11pm saying he was “coming to get the kids.”
He didn’t know where we were.
Said he’d go to every friend and family member’s house until he found us. My parents hid in their basement with him outside.
I’m so tired. Exhausted really. I’ve gained 5 pounds or more this month. The obscenely large bag of peanut M&Ms is gone.
But I’m here still. I cleaned the house multiple times (even 10’s room). I wrote a letter to a judge. I applied to cancel my sealing…
1/3
Dietician recommended I eat less processed food.
Her other recommendation was to add protein powder to my diet. (Unprocessed and straight from the protein tree, right?)
Anyway, today I’m celebrating 4 days in a row of eating yogurt for breakfast. Feels like a compromise.
I got room service. I watched HGTV. I sewed and read and slept and even had a few visitors. It. Was. The. Best.
I joked that I should have Princess Days every year.
But really. That’s exactly what I want for Mother’s Day.
What if the church were willing to put that kind of financial assistance into helping women leave abusive marriages? Helping children get out of abusive homes?
My sexual abuse sits at the edge of my memory. I was 4ish. I have a semi-memory of telling my dad—realizing that I’d told him something important. It stopped.
As I got older, I hoped that my abuse spared others from the same abuser. Decades later I learned of more victims.
Christmas confession: as I was filling stockings, I made the snap decision to put the entire package of assorted Ferrero Rocher into my stocking.
The kids’ stockings were already full. 🤷♀️
My 2nd baby was conceived with IVF. My clinic instructed me to have 3 “Princess Days” after the embryo transfer. It wasn’t bed rest, but I wasn’t supposed to lift anything or exert any effort or feel stress.
I asked my mom if she could come help for Princess Days. She couldn’t.
We gathered things we had in the car: water, fruit snacks, Rice Krispies treats, goldfish crackers, an apple, an orange, and some chocolate.
The man happily accepted what we had to give, and as we drove away he was working on the orange.
2/3
My kid auditioned for the school play today. He wants a lead role. Email tonight for callbacks.
All night I’ve been nervous. Did I give the wrong email address? Surely that’s likelier than no callbacks, right??
11:33pm callback email arrived. I want to cry I’m so happy for him.
Maybe that’s the point. The misogyny says women shouldn’t be working. And if they are, they should at least have the decency to work in fields appropriate for women, where only women work. And if they work with men, they should be socially and professionally punished for it.
5/5
I’ve lived in Utah for 5 years. I once lived in California, but I moved here from Arizona. And I moved there from North Carolina. I was born in an East Coast state.
I have Utah Pioneer heritage, but my parents moved from Utah before I was born.
@GovCox
, am I welcome or not?
Really need some advice: my 3 yo put pink highlights in her hair - she didn't talk with me, she doesn't have a job, and pre-K starts shortly. I don't know if I should be furious, laugh it off, give her the silent treatment, or how to handle it.
Part of the sealing cancellation is a question about all sins since the day I got married. All. With dates.
My bishop, in response to my raised eyebrows, said really it just means big ones. Just big.
Mid-divorce, I let myself into the marital home twice to get things. When he found out about the second time, he called the police. The police report is kind of hilarious to read years after the fact. Items taken: Pyrex, spices, nerf guns (value unknown).
alright attorney/divorce twitter:
a friend recently divorced and there are some of her family heirlooms (not expensive, just sentimental) that are still in her previous marital home. Her name is still on the house.
her ex has refused to give them to her, and locked her out.
A few weeks ago my son was having a sleepover with a dear friend he doesn’t see often. A little before midnight he asked me to pick him up.
As he got in the car, I asked what happened. “I was overwhelmed.”
Later he added, “There was some yelling.”
I understand.
😢
How to disappoint your kids in a few easy steps:
1. Spend an hour driving us safely home in a snow storm, a trip that normally takes 20 minutes.
2. Realize they have both fallen asleep. Let them continue to sleep.
3. Stop and pick up dinner, choosing things that they will like.
I suspect my hotel room last night was haunted.
I turned off a lamp multiple times. I kept finding it turned on the next time I went by.
And then when I checked out and turned in my keys, they had no record of me staying in that room or in the hotel at all.
CW: trauma, 😭
I once audibly said “Oh my God” and immediately wondered if it counted as taking the Lord’s name in vain.
It was the night I walked through my husband’s blood to find his broken body.
Everyone knew Princess Days would be impossible if I stayed at home and didn’t have an outside enforcer.
So I didn’t stay home. I packed my sewing machine, books, laptop, and a suitcase and went to a hotel for 2 nights.
I’ve started the repair!
The bowl was made by slip casting. I first attached 2 pieces from the inner leaf surface, and then the 3 pieces from the ridge and outer surface.
👀 My bishop and RS Pres came by last night “to see how [they] can support me.” But really to ask what’s keeping me from church attendance and ultimately encourage me to be a “cafeteria member” by taking the good and ignoring the bad.
Hey
#Mormons
, want to know an easy way to identify a questioning, doubting Mormon at church?
If someone only talks about
#JesusChrist
, compassion, love and kindness -- you know, the things that actually matter -- then that person is probably a doubter.
Years ago I would walk with a woman from church around the neighborhood. One night she went off on women at her husband’s work. Why did they talk to her husband? Why did they think they could be friends with her husband? Didn’t they realize how inappropriate that was?
1/5
I’ve been trying out some meal kits. After 1 week, I caught myself thinking “This is easy. I don’t need a kit to make this.” Which is true. If it weren’t so hard to buy groceries for specific meals, and then make those meals before the ingredients go bad in my fridge. 1/2
I don’t like pranks. I think too often they are mean or create more mess than humor.
With that in mind, the best thing I ever did for April Fool’s Day is buy giant googly eyes that I put on the fridge and fireplace and 100s of smaller googly eyes that I put all over the house.
Once upon a time, I was young and (mostly) happily married. My husband was inactive, and I was determined to be the most righteous and valiant person ever. The example of my righteousness would surely renew his faith.
1/
Back then I knew it wasn’t hard, but I didn’t even have the mind space to figure out what I had, what I needed, and do it. I just needed someone else to do it.
Anyway, I’m seeing it as progress that this sort of project is something that I can easily manage.
2/2
When he finally stumbled through the front door I found out he’d been in jail. DUI.
I kept it a secret for years.
But that woman at church. She knew something was off. She asked. I wasn’t ready to talk. But she knew. And that means a lot to me.
3/3
When others tell me about their mostly positive co-parenting experiences, I get a little jealous. And then I remember that if he were a reasonable person and co-parent, I wouldn’t have divorced him.
1/2
@McKenzieDee17
I have close friends who just celebrated 20 years of their mixed orientation marriage. They have 3 kids and are a great team. They have chosen to stay together.
I know others who have decided to divorce but are still a great team even as they find new partners.
Good luck! ❤️🍀
Anyway.
I guess part of my recent self discovery is that I love and appreciate my body for all it has done and still does for me. It’s seen me through good times and bad.
But also, I’m learning to believe it when people tell me I’m pretty. Or beautiful. Even hot.
🥹❤️
4/4
@buggus96
How can we mourn with those who mourn if we don’t let them speak of their anguish and loss? How can we fully support each other as humans if we don’t talk about the hard parts?
I’m so sorry for your miscarriages. I’m a stranger on the internet, but you are in my thoughts.
This is him asking so nicely if we can please play fetch.
He’s moving slowly and doesn’t understand his new dimensions with the cone. But he’s eating and drinking and peeing and pooping.
The vet found a silicone cupcake wrapper obstructing his small intestines. 😭😬
That’s when I got the sharpest spiritual rebuke I’ve ever gotten in my life (maybe only, honestly). Through the spirit I was told I needed to ease up. I needed to stop being so rigid because relationships with people I love are more important than perfect righteousness.
3/
When I was 5, I picked my favorite shimmery blue dress to wear to church one Sunday. When I went to my Primary classroom, there were several boys there, but no teacher. It didn’t take long for the boys to decide they should try to look at my underwear.
1/
Apparently, the abuser confessed and repented and did all he needed to do to go on a mission. Oddly, the acknowledgment and apology to me came much, much later.
I don’t know about the other victims.
I carried so much shame about all of this for so many years.
Please assure me that I will survive my 3 year old.
I love her so much.
But she yells and screams at me so much. I hate to admit how triggering it is. We all need this to be a no yelling house, but she doesn’t realize it yet.
And I really just can’t comply to all her demands.
This thread is important.
“So he was verbally and emotionally abusive. Was he physically abusive?”
I’ve had this conversation multiple times.
And then I’ve described how he used his body and size to intimidate me—how he let me know that he could hurt me if he wanted.
1/3
Young woman: “My dad was really emotionally and psychologically abusive. He even has to be reminded that it’s my birthday because he doesn’t care. He plays mind games and isn’t a Christian.”
Pastor: “Did he hit you?”
This was a real exchange, and it bothers me so much.
But I love the birds that live in it. I need someone else to cut it back.” They laughed. Was I serious?? Most definitely.
They will be back on Saturday. To take care of the wisteria.
CW: body image
I was never pretty. I was smart. I was funny. I was one of the girls from the big family. The girl with the unusual name.
A few months ago I realized something others have told me—my son looks like me. I saw our jaw lines. Our smiles. Our eyes.
1/
It was an epiphany when I realized I didn’t have to be in active crisis mode to leave and file for divorce.
I could prepare. And also, I could act when I was ready, when my support network was ready, and not wait for the next incident to justify my leaving.
My sister got this book for herself, read it, and passed it on to me.
The night before she gave it to me, I was wondering if it is possible to have my home be less disaster-ful without planning for a change in stress, workload, or number of creatures living in my house.
Let’s see
The house is still a disaster, the resume is still not updated, and the dog helped himself to the shrimp Alfredo risotto I made today (apparently he loved it).
But this quilt is done and ready to be shipped to my friend who will give it to her husband for Christmas.
Dammit. I didn’t ask his politics early enough and now a guy that I thought had potential has self described as “gun-loving and Trump-loving.”
Political dating mismatch.
One of my colleagues has a rule that he’s not allowed to have 1-on-1 lunch meetings with female colleagues.
I’ve had lots of 1-on-1 lunch meetings with male colleagues. Again, it would be isolating and career limiting if I didn’t.
4/5
A couple years ago I paid a handyman to get some half-started projects off my honey-do list.
One of those things was to replace a doorknob.
In my current house I’ve replaced at least half-dozen doorknobs and locks.
1/2
I sat in a chair; they tipped me off. I was outnumbered and the teacher was still not there. I fled to the foyer. I intended to wait for the teacher. But I never saw the teacher.
So I waited, sitting quietly on the couch—until some man chastised me for not being in class.
2/2
If not being celebrated on Mother’s Day was the price of getting out of my toxic marriage, I’d accept that cost.
Fortunately my loved ones celebrate me regardless of my marital status.
Tent is up and fire is started before the sun has set. I’m feeling optimistic while still preparing for disaster.
I not even five minutes from home I threatened to call it all off if they didn’t stop fighting. They stopped.
@VanPeter88
Oh yeah. The letter may actually make me change my mind. I was very clear with my bishop that I see it as a way the church is inviting my ex to perpetuate abuse.
A conversation I wasn’t expecting to have recently.
4yo: I had a dream we were dying.
Me, a little alarmed: Oh? What happened?
4yo: I asked you, “Mom, are we dying?” And you said, “Yes, we are.”
Me: Was it a scary dream?
4yo: Medium.
And then she went off to play.
@JanuaryEmily
I’m convinced it’s about shaming and scaring women so they don’t divorce. It pissed me off. Especially the parts telling women they were likely to fall into poverty, oh and also each divorce costs the state whatever amount. 🤬
3 and I are having trouble today. She had a late nap yesterday and woke up to a babysitter last night. Today she’s feeling needy and I’m feeling overstimulated and over touched.
I suggested we go for a drive.
3: I just want to go for a drive and cry.
Me: me too.
3: What?!?!
The school year is done and we are mourning the closing of our school. Graduation regalia should arrive today so I can celebrate and document 17 years late.
May has been a full month. It’s almost over and I’m still here.
3/3
An almost stranger at church asked if I was ok. Her husband had gotten a strange call from my husband, who seemed drunk. They had been through their own struggles with addiction. Was I ok?
I squeaked out an answer. I was fine. Shook off any offer of help.
1/3
There’s a book I read years ago called Strong at the Broken Places—the title has always stuck with me along with the idea that broken things can heal and become strong.
It’s done!
After sitting for 24 hours I washed off the excess gold powder. The powder also revealed all the places I’d gotten epoxy but hadn’t realized, so I cleaned that up a bit too.
And now it’s returned to my office with strict rules that it’s not a dish for Cheetos. 😂
@whitecatprophcy
Because it’s Hinckley. Because when I was a jr in high school, he encouraged Yw to get all the education they could get. And that helped me not be stuck in traditional wife and mother mindset. Because life is to be enjoyed not just endured.
The example my bishop gave is that it’s about making sure you aren’t asking for sealing cancellation to get sealed to someone else but you had an affair during your marriage.
1) that doesn’t apply to me; 2) does the atonement work or not?
@ananelsonshaw
Yes, I am vastly more happy now than I was then. And if I stay alone forever, I know some handymen to take care of my to do list. Fat and happy. And if I stay alone forever, it will be by choice not because I lost my chance. 😁
I thought about how isolating and career limiting it would be for me in my male-dominated field to have colleagues treat me the way this woman expected her husband to behave.
3/5
@pineapple_mn
Here’s all these articles and books about how important women are… they will help you feel better. Too bad you will never actually be treated in a way that actually reflects that you’re important.
Sigh.
4. Make the choice to make only that one stop.
4a. No extra stop to get 1 child the same meal but from a different brand.
4b. No extra stop to get the other child a special soda.
5. Park in garage, wake them gently, and brace for their disappointed tears.
@allitude
I assume: 1. Bob has been caught at something. 2. Sally’s trying to stop it/keep it from happening again. 3. Sally doesn’t realize all the sneaky ways that Bob is able to keep doing what he wants. 4. She will eventually realize. 5. Divorce is coming.
I didn’t keep in touch with her and her son and I didn’t click, so I moved on with life and forgot about her until the summer I got divorced. I loved her even more from that 20-years-later perspective.
I hope she’s doing well.
I wish I’d had more examples of women like her.
Please, for the love of all that’s holy*, can we please, please, please get better reflective paint/ reflectors on our roads? Faith and vibes isn’t good enough.
@GovCox
@SpencerJCox
@UDOTRegionTwo
@UDOTRegionthree
*my sweet innocent children
Someone collecting signatures to get politicians on the ballot. “He’s like Mike Lee.”
I said that wasn’t a selling point for me.
“Maybe I should stop saying that. You’re not the first to tell me.”
“I don’t support people who support insurrections.”
Tonight I gave away 3 bags of clothes that I’ve been holding on to for a long time. Some things are 20+ years old. Some a little younger. All several sizes too small.
It’s no longer a goal to fit them again. I’m not that woman any more. I don’t need to try to wear her clothes.