stabilo
@stabiloFFC
Followers
1,507
Following
1,361
Media
7,098
Statuses
97,547
She wears denim wherever she goes, says she’s gonna buy some records by the Status Quo. Oh yeah.
Joined July 2010
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Pinned Tweet
If he wins it he’ll be gutted he doesn’t get an actual balloon.
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Me to the always bored and miserable bar staff when I put my empty pint glass on the bar as I leave my local.
Trump greeting a nonexistent crowd outside of Trump Tower
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Loving how all the Everton banners sound like they’re being said by The Cat In The Hat.
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What’s Danny Mills got in those files I wonder? Photos of slices of toast he’s had for breakfast I reckon. Dated and annotated.
Can Gareth Southgate fit Jude Bellingham and Phil Foden into the same side? 🦁⤵️
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Attention vape nonces - I don't want to have to deal with a chemical attack style cloud of your blueberry pie or candy floss smelling shite as I walk past. Just buy some proper fags and grow up.
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Was in the bog at work earlier, three traps out of four in use. The lad to my left let out the longest, loudest, shittiest fart I've ever heard then. The lad in the other cubicle said, "Ladies and gentlemen...Mr Elton John!"
Totally inexplicable but I was roaring.
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@joelgolby
Heard second hand but a lad who claimed that while flying back from holiday in Disneyland the pilot found out it was his birthday and did a loop de loop for him as a treat.
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Fulham now essentially the loose horse at the Grand National, ruining everyone elses season.
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Can anyone pinpoint the exact moment when the world started to go to shit?
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Hoping Carsley arrives in a balaclava and fires a volley of gunshots over the heads of the mascots.
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Ed Davey on his way to a meet and greet at a robotics factory in Tavistock this morning.
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@nsno_83
Photocopy 30 of them and tick ‘against’ on them all. Pick house numbers at random to add to the aggro.
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All three of them check the clock on the wall when other people arrive at work.
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@UKIP
@Gammons4London
‘Dr Gammons has earned BA, MA and D Min. degrees from Presbyterian Faith Theological Seminary and a PhD from Canon University, Florida.’
Doctor my arse.
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‘Oh Youssef you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, Chermiti! Chermiti!’
✍️ | Youssef Chermiti has signed for Everton for an undisclosed fee, agreeing a four-year contract until the end of June 2027.
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There can’t be many easier jobs in the world than having to churn out this tired bullshit once a year.
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Big fan of the new Zelensky range unveiled at Sainsburys this evening.
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Need these Just Stop Oil lads to really, REALLY fucking go for it here.
The route of The King's Procession and The Coronation Procession is expected to be lined by tens of thousands.
The purple lines on this map show where people will be able to stand to see the processions.
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Getting a job.
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"So you're not from Liverpool?"
"No, but my dad always supported them."
"Where in Liverpool was he from?"
"He was from Gloucester."
"Have you been to Anfield?"
"No but I always watch us when we're on telly."
"So you support a TV programme?"
"Why do you always do this?"
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First ever office job. In the post room with a golden retriever curled up in the corner. Assumed it was an office pet or something so took it for a walk at lunch. Came back to find the distressed blind typist being comforted by several colleagues.
We want to hear about your work related fuck-ups. Reply, quote tweet, do your worst.
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Walking through the pissed hordes coming out of the Bristol v Bath rugby just now. “Someone shouted, “taxi for Olly,” as a car pulled up and about 200 male heads turned at once, like Spartacus with gillets.
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Christ there’s going to loads of this sort of shite isn’t there?
If you don’t get the hype, that’s fine. There are bands that write better, play better, perform better. That are more inventive, more creative, more reflective. But for working class kids in the mid-90s,
#Oasis
were ours. And possession is nine tenths of the lore.
#oasisreunion
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Boris Johnson got a woman pregnant and got engaged to her while he was still married to a woman who was undergoing treatment for cancer. So that’s all you need to know about that.
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I met Shane MacGowan once, I went up to Filthy MacNasty’s looking for him one day. I shook his hand and asked if he wanted a drink.
“Oh thanks, I’ll have a pint of Campari.”
Cost me about £30. Worth it though.
A genuine genius, he’ll be sadly missed.
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The new Depeche Mode approach on my local high street is quite something.
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Didn’t know he supported Everton.
These photos were taken 41 days apart by the president’s photographer. The first one on the 23rd of February, the last day of peaceful Ukraine. The second one in Bucha today.
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Wore my new £3.99 Aldi Crocs up to the offie (I’ve already had a few cans so wasn’t arsed) only for someone in the local pub beer garden to shout, “Alright Buzz Lightyear?”
So I’ve just put the house on the market.
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Narrator’s voice -
“ He did not marry Carrie Symonds in July 2022.”
Boris Johnson to marry fiancee Carrie Symonds in July 2022, report says
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They should put a sword in a stone by The Brick and whosoever gets it out is the next boss.
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@Louiseross64
@Effiedeans
‘My childhood was awful and I can’t wait to do it all again.’ Amazing.
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This vile cunt. Took a couple of minutes that morning to pin his Ukraine badge on his lapel as well of course. Pure racism, nothing more,
nothing less.
'Instead of booking 50 people on each flight to Rwanda, book 250 people on it then when they stop half of them from travelling you still have a full flight - come on, get on and send them'
Tory MP Peter Bone says 'lefty lawyers' have blocked Rwanda deportations
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A 67 year old Jamie Vardy wakes up and remembers he is still playing football in the Chinese 3rd division to pay his now ex-wife’s legal costs.
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Just walking back from the shop with a big stack of big roll and a bloke shouted, “alright! Wiping your arse are ya?”
#brokenBritain
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Best ever Viz Letter.
'"You treat your father like a ruddy taxi driver!" My mum said to me the other night. I had to agree with her, I'd just robbed him and shot him in the back of the head.'
L Grantham
Walford
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A lovely old woman up the road died about 2 months ago, she was always nice to chat to, had been born in the house and never lived anywhere else. Anyway her recycling bins are in much better nick than mine and I’ve just swapped them all over. It’s what she would have wanted.
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Remember when you shat yourself at school and cried for two hours?
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Quick reminder that if you've 'done a Tough Mudder' then I couldn't give less of a shite.
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Just got a DM from Twitter saying it’s my turn to ask people what they call a bread roll and an alleyway tomorrow.
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Those Sons of Shankly lads really are something else aren’t they? Like the paramilitary wing of what are already the worst fans in the world. Those one page ‘statements’ are genuinely alarming, pure bellendery.
Here’s Tom with the weather.
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That cup draw has gone to VAR and Everton will now play the 1970 Brazil World Cup Squad.
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@bbclaurak
Just screenshot the text you got from Cummings to save time typing out your Tweets.
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A cravat. He’s backing the government stance on Manchester while wearing a fucking cravat. How gone deaf are these cunts? Who fucking votes for these cunts?
#Newsnight
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“Is that the Goodison Supper Bar? Yes, that’s right, it’s me. Listen, can you fax me over the new menu pronto, I’m expecting a call later this week...”
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Total genius.
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Hats off to January me for putting this in the box with the Christmas tree as I was putting it away.
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Woman in here is having a half day so she can get the train to Windsor for the wedding tommorrow. Someone is letting her put a tent up in their front garden. For £50.
She does, of course, own several cats.
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Top tip. If you’re jokingly asked if you fancy any of the mums at school, best not to have a mentally prepared top five list with pros and cons ready to go
#doghouse
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My mum has run out of things to say and is now just picking up objects and saying what they are or reading the labels out loud.
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Look at this gorgeous sod, the greatest living Englishman. And I did a proper LOL at this bit in the interview.
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The lad at work who has been giving unsolicited email updates on his Marathon training for the last eight months twisted his ankle after two miles and had to bin it off.
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@IsabelOakeshott
Assuming your condolences to the child’s family will be in a follow up Tweet? You racist horror.
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Northern people ‘making friends on holiday’. I think about this all the time and always feel quite sick.
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“Under strengths you’ve just put, ‘saving your life that time.’”
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@The_Paris_Angel
Not even half as bad as Danny Murphy. I get the fear thinking about getting cornered at a party with him talking about his new dishwasher for an hour.
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The woman in here who never, ever shuts up about her brilliant son is looking rather shellshocked on GCSE results day. Rumours that he didn't even turn up for some of the exams. Ha. She's an aggravating sneezer as well.
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Mother in law not well enough to go home this morning but has pulled around well enough to demolish all the cheese in the house and smash down a couple of evening wines already.
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@Pammie91115407
@bbclaurak
So you voted for the party that’s been in power and ignored you for over a decade? That’ll learn ‘em.
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Job interview at 10am tomorrow, could be a genuinely life changing outcome if I get it.
#cans
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