Neil Walker
@sqwawk
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Exiled cockney anti-rebel acquiescing to the system in Milton Keynes. Late entrant into fatherhood. Expect photos. Sadly early entrant into Stage4 cancer. #COYS
Milton Keynes
Joined April 2008
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Heartbroken and devastated. My wife, my darling Nicole, my absolute rock...died peacefully in her sleep this morning. No more pain and suffering, she's now at rest in a much better place wherever that may be. Until we meet again, honey... 💔
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Good news and bad news from a final trip to London today. I bumped into my oncologist and she told me my psa has further dropped to 400. This is a 75% fall from the ridiculously and perilously high figure of 1800 before treatment began. A great Christmas pressie!! (1/3)
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One year ago today I lost my beautiful wife and Grace, the best mummy there ever could be. It's a year I've struggled through losing my mobility and also my best man, without my rock and sounding board to give me her constant wisdom and support. It's been tough. It still is. 💔
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This entire meal, gravy and all was delivered to us hot and ready to eat this evening by one of my kindest local village neighbours, and I've never been more grateful ... or full 🫃🏼🫃🏼🫃🏼 Delicious! 😋
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Dad was over to visit today. Must be so difficult to hear news from your son that you don't expect to hear. Got my mum and sister tomorrow to share the same news with.💔
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Thanks to all my Twitter friends seeking updates as a result of an extended period of silence. Unfortunately things aren't as good as they could be. It's been decided that I've come to the end of my treatment so making me comfortable at home is where we are at the moment...
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I got official notification today that the mortgage I took out on 2004 is now officially paid off. I was expecting maybe some effusive thanks for all the interest paid & maybe a small gift to celebrate with. But no...just a one page letter telling me my account was now closed. 😪
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There's a lot of love for the Charlie Macksey programme but I just can't watch it. Nicole left Grace the book & wrote her thoughts on every page of it, to help Grace understand it and how much she had been loved. I've never even been able to read more than 2 pages in 😢💔
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The cancer roller-coaster. Two months ago I felt so lousy that I started to seriously question whether I'd still be here. Today, no pain, fine weather, meal out and this one for company ... feeling unstoppable. Both feelings illusions but I prefer this one...❤️
@ThanksCancer
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Good news and bad news from my latest bloods. The bad news is my PSA is 1000 😱 The good news is that it was 1800 four weeks ago before the lutetium treatment! After one cycle we'll definitely take that as a result. That and the fact that I feel better than I've done in 6 months!
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On International Women's Day, here's the strongest, bravest, smartest women I've ever known. She burned so brightly, but sadly not for nearly long enough. 💔
The next recipient of the baton of women who definitely can & most definitely will, can be seen to be well on her way too!
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3 of my long standing cancer followers have left us just this last week. It really brings it home how tenuous our grasp on this life is with stage4 cancer, and how a society that is trying to get to Mars, still can't stop us dying way before our time. RIP David, Gill and Silke 💔
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Happy Heavenly Birthday my darling (truth be told, it’s also happenly heavenly anniversary for Monday 26th!). I can’t wait to meet you in again in whatever sense people believe this happens in ❤️❤️❤️
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I think we need to move this benchmark into the medical arena. If I can get up, get showered, clip my hair, get dressed and out the house in time for a McD's brekkie (no one here to help!); eat it all and still feel hungry, then for now, I'm not doing too badly...
#nottodaycancer
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Days like today when I don't need pain meds (2 months codeine free mostly), the sun is out, I've done the school run, done some food shopping, washed the bedding all by 10:30 are days when it feels surreal that I am likely in my final 12 months...
@ThanksCancer
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Well that's a whole week without a single painkiller! Given my prescription is for up to 8 x 30mg codeine to be taken with paracetamol and that for the last 15 months I've probably never gone more than a day or two without a pill, I think that's pretty good going! 💪🏻
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Fuelling my unexpected London commute with two (2!) Greggs sausage rolls. In totally unrelated news, did I mention I have my appetite back and have put on weight for the first time in six months...? 🤔
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I haven't been comfortable standing in the kitchen and cooking for a while, which I miss. But the new drug, a blood transfusion and a bingeing of Masterchef episodes has led me to give it a go again. (1/2)
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Let's face it, I'll be glad to see the back of 2022. Not that I exactly have high hopes for 2023... What keeps me looking forwards though, is this one. ❤️ She's been through so much; seen and experienced more than any child should and sadly she'll have more to deal with. (1/2)
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This arrived today...my photo book of over 70'pages and 200 photos of Nicole (and the odd one of Grace and even odder ones of me!😂) Struggled to get through it truth be told ❤️💔❤️
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The day we walked down Snowdon the hard way. A few weeks post chemo and with a three year old in tow... If anything sums up the determination that Nicole had to be strong for Grace, this is it. ❤️
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Out of bed, out of loungewear, scrubbed up and out the house! Pass allocated, now ready to see Grace get presented with two awards in her assembly today. Nothing like a daddy's pride to work medical magic 😉🥰
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One of the best skills I've picked up since cancer?! Walking from kitchen to lounge on two sticks whilst carrying a tray of food...and an occasional wine.
@ThanksCancer
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What a day of needles, bloods, scans, ambulances etc... im just hoping they can find something to make me more comfortable. I never want to have to get down the stairs again, like I did this morning. Can't help feeling time is running out....
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Not today cancer. Feeling good which is just as well as I have a five hour round trip for Sunday lunch to meet up with Grace's godparents...and Grace herself who has been away since Friday! ❤️
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Not bad for her first sewing exercise...even if some of us do find the size and demeanour a little intimidating 😂
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I can see a lot posts whinging about tests etc. and maybe nothing can give you a 100%. But as someone who has just entered hospice, I'd definitely recommend you talk to your gp about a testing regime. I had no family history and I was only 49. Don't think u know better,get tested
🤔 “What on Earth is a prostate?!”
We took to the streets to bust some prostate cancer myths. And to clear a few things up.
Separate fact from fiction and help save lives.
Take our 30-second risk checker now.
#MensHealthWeek
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I can't stand in the same place for very long and I need to use crutches ... or limp heavily...to get around the kitchen, but hey, I haven't totally lost the ability to cook! Friday night toad in the hole! Delish!
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Grace up at the front as if she's done it twenty times before. Something tells me she'll be out front many more times in the future in many other situations. Well done my darling...mummy would have been very proud...I know I was ❤️❤️❤️
#followthestar
#Castlethorpe
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I barely recognise this guy now. I hope Grace can look back at photos like these at some point and remember me as something other than the sickly shadow of this that I have become 😢💔❤️
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I might have been an "older" father, but at 54 I reckon my youthful genes were pretty kind to me. Apart from the malfunctioning ones obviously...
@ThanksCancer
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I have so many photos of Nicole and Grace and without exception, their love for each other shines through on each one. This one isn’t anything special but it just popped up on my memories and caused a bit of a puddle. 😢💔❤️
#amotherslove
#gonewaytoosoon
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A morning of tears. Happy tears, but tears aplenty.
Was at the end of year school assembly for Grace where she cleaned up with another award, which is easy to be blasé about and take for granted...but as the attached details, I forget how much Grace has to contend with 💔
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So not so good news today from the scan last week, and my platelets are taking a hammering too. Onc is confused as scan report says I'm worse now psa is 240 v 1800 !! May not get another go at the lutetium tho... there's a MTD meeting on Friday which will determine my fate! 🤞🏻
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Valentine's Day is meaningless nowadays, but hey, I thought I'd treat myself as I was home alone tonight. I'll know I'm on my last legs when I can't enjoy a steak and a glass of red! Off to watch Spurs on TV now to bring the mood down...
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These six week cycles of Lutetium-177 are going astonishingly quickly. Four down now, two to go. This is likely my last line of treatment so it's 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 from round 6 onwards (end of May). Will definitely miss it given how much better it's made me feel since October
@ProstateUK
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Just to clarify, im in hospital but pain isn't really the issue. I was dangerously anaemic, could barely breathe after a single step and I also appear to have an infection that is puzzling the doctors. The only pain is that in my broken femur but that is quite easily managed
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Will keep you posted if anything changes or if i have any new cat/Grace photos to share! Always more popular than the cancer stuff... understandably! ❤️❤️❤️
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On the ward! A comfy bed! A cup of tea!! Thanks ever so much for all your messages of support- it does really help to know people are out there pulling for me, even if my body isn't ❤️
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When one of the locals delivers you a roast dinner with all the trimmings ready to eat at 6pm ❤️❤️❤️
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Good news update: a hospital volunteer has come around to do some shopping for me...fruit pastilles and kitkats are on their way !! 🥰
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...Besides which there are people way more deserving of funds and gifts than us. Your messages make us more than happy and please know that Grace is able to be provided with whatever she needs, both now and in the future ❤️
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Some may accuse me of just posting these for likes…. But hey! I like them. A lot! ❤️ And after all, I hardly ever post pictures of them…🤔😉
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The rest of the day, was sick several times. Yes folks, yesterday was not a day to pop in and visit. Annnnyway, feeling like a new man today so will brush that under the carpet and start afresh. Xxx
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Here's to the mums we have lost but still feel the impact of and miss every single day ❤️💔
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Several people have asked me about a wish list for Grace. Kind tho such offers are and I know people just want to help, but Grace is very lucky to not need anything like that.
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But G is her own little force of nature, who keeps me grounded & smiling & positive despite everything. I'm so proud of how she's kept on an even keel & continues to push herself forwards both in & out of school. Grace is a girl who can and most definitely will. Love u loads G❤️
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I've been told bedrest only for me...but I've just done a Mission Impossible sneak across the ward and over the corridor without being seen... I've been to London twice and back since the bad MRI. If I want the dignity of a bathroom, and can make the 10 metres, I'm going for it😈
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My reason for being. For putting myself through all that I go through. For never giving up ❤️
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Some people are on the pitch...they think it's all over...well it's not quite but my oncologist does think the lutetium is not working anymore. They'll give me one more round next week, then that's pretty much it. Haven't been feeling brilliant either so no real surprises...
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Thanks for all the kind messages this morning! ❤️ Got my early birthday present:Lutetium 177 treatment begins in 10 days time - I'll be one of their first NICE approved patients. As ever with me though, nothing is quite that simple...my red cell count has fallen through the floor
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Tested positive Thursday; clear on Monday. When I think how poorly I was 15 months ago the first time I had Covid I'm so relieved! Three cheers for vaccine boosters and Paxlovid...
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Breakfast out two days running and an upgrade! 😉 Sometimes knowing you're dying and time is against you is so surreal, when you actually feel like you could do this every morning!
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The peace of the hospice has been disturbed somewhat by 80s hits, clicking fizzy drink glasses and horse commentaries, as Ascot LadiesDay is transferred to Willen lake for some much needed fund raising (The Government does not fund hospice's amazingly) Sounds like fun out there!
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As an accountant I fully understand & appreciate cost benefit, but having experienced the benefits of this particular drug, I can't believe the cost is too high! Here's to hoping NICE can be made to change their minds before the final consultation report is issued in Jan 🤞🏻(3/3)
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Someone's keen to try on their newly arrived Xmas party dress! So keen they couldn't remove their long green school socks which rather spoil the effect...😂
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So less than 24 hours since I posted my positive Covid test I've had these bad boys delivered to my door! They're not Ivermectin or injectable bleach, but I believe they are scientifically proven to help out... 🤞🏻
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not simple in an 1800s cottage tho! Pain isn't too bad - it's more discomfort trying to get in a decent position to sleep with my dodgy leg, but I'm coping. Grace and her gran are keeping me going no doubt about it. So lucky to have them and their relationship...
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Knowing I'm soon coming to the end of treatment for terminal cancer allows me time to consider putting everything in order...
Meanwhile: which order should I watch all the Marvel films in...
@ThanksCancer
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I think these two may be related ... fortunately for Grace she has her looks from her mother ❤️❤️❤️
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Lutetium 177 Day! I have two doctors, a radiographer and two observers from Oxford to witness this treatment which I had begun seriously doubting would ever happen! The infusion is only ten minutes but trust me, I'll be lucky if I'm done and dusted in less than 3 hours!!
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My pre obit obit pictures; various ages of Neil and sister. Raglan Junior School, Bush Hill Park, Enfield North London
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Grace has just been sent her reading for Sunday's Carol service. I haven't told her there's likely to be about 100 people there😬 But on her first read through I reckon she'll knock it out the park.❤️💪🏻 Will be the first time without Nicole so I'm taking plenty of tissues for me!
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Christmas Day? Gone 11am? Open the champers(English!)? Don't mind if I do! Still closer to breakfast though, so I'll add some OJ for decency's sake...
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Go girrrrl! ❤️ Grace is now the Brazil of end of term awards...😉 How proud Nicole would have been of her. How proud am I??? ❤️❤️❤️
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I've always wondered why people struggle to provide updates when they go in for treatment, but being here now I realise every little thing distracts you and becomes a reason not to bother with an update, despite all the kind requests for one.
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What can I say? That won't sound like a bragging dad again 😉 Another end of term, another award! This time for music and well earned by the sound of it, from the glowing words of the music teacher...Nicole would have been so proud to have seen how her mighty girl ... (1/2)
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Imagine someone coming into your ward and slashing you with a knife. and the amount of blood.
This was worse...my cannula (2nd) popped out and has repainted my ward area Dexter red....😱😱😱🩸🩸🩸🩸. Given the day I've had and how I'm feeling, this was not something to cheer
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turmeric even. Or...and this one was a new one for me...being too alkaline for cancer to grow! The sad fact is that cancer will take me prematurely, but until it drags me down I'll make sure to enjoy the good days when they come along and not to get too hung up about the bad...
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After years of serving up turkey, year in year out, it was decided it might just be time to try something else...
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Sunday lunch out with this one. Sometimes hard to believe she's only recently turned 9! ❤️ Christmas excitement levels are about Defcon 3 at the moment "...readiness increased above normal levels". 😂
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Grace getting stuck into trying on some of mummy's old dresses ❤️
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All's well with me and the world as long as I can still make pancakes. It comes to something however when Grace gets the extra one instead of me... 😱❤️
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The hospital insomnia 4am cup of tea....looking forwards to the 6am one already...
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So many thanks for all the well-wishes from today as I finally got my shit together, escaped the house and had a great lunch with my daughter who turns 9 on Monday. To be clear though, sadly I'm not getting better, and am not about to be healed by God, prayer, positivity or
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COVID update: after just 1 day of the Paxlovid, temperature normal, throat normal, cough virtually gone...
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I'm moving! Out of the blue, they decide that 10:30pm is a good time to move me to Floor 13 Oncology. At least I'll get seen now but they may not be as lenient about my movements as my friends here were. They've told me I'm actual a model patient and they're sad to see me go 💔
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Well, whilst the bloods aren't that good they've decided the scan wasn't as bad as first thought so they're keeping me on the lutetium for now. We'll take that as a narrow victory...
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Nicole’s first birthday without being present. Will be tough I think ❤️💔❤️💔
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Grace rocking her second party outfit of the party season...or the new dress season as I think Grace thinks of it as 💃❤️
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I'm sure this will trigger some of you 😉 Grace dressing up in red, white and blue for school today in celebration of the Coronation....
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Can't believe the first week of lockdown was three years ago! Was actually a time of many happy memories for us ... gave us time together that we wouldn't have had otherwise ❤️
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Someone just said I'd be better off having a proper lunch and not just snacking on crisps, nuts and sweets all afternoon?! I hadn't realised there are people out there who still do not understand the true meaning of Christmas ....😉
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Here's the house on a leafy London suburban road I grew up on c1973-1990. For 14 of those years, a big green lime tree grew, looming over the house. This was the last of those days 😂
#TheHurricane
#Michael
Fish
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Sssshhhhh....don't tell her! Grace has been there five terms now and won five trophies... Trying to find ways to get out the house in the morning and surprising her with my presence at assembly is getting increasingly tricky 😂 But I couldn't be more proud obviously ❤️
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Siri, show me a photo of a new father who has never held a new born baby in the first 44 years of his life…..
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When your daughter wakes in the night but you're in too much pain with your bone mets to give her a cuddle 😢😢😢 I hate cancer and what it's taken from me, so much 💔
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I have finally moved, and if only for the view it's worth it! They are definitely going to be tougher on my mobility but maybe I'll be able to break them down with my charm and irrefutable logic too. Unlikely though...these night shift oncology nurses seem very on the ball!!!
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I bet you never knew who the inventor of the men's hotpants was...
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I'm a sucker for a sale and
@CastleArts_
had such a good one on, so ended up spoiling the gel pen/colour pencil addict of the house with a pack of gel pens almost as tall as she is! She is very pleased. And very spoilt 😂
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So guess who's just off for a 3 day, outward bound residential stay in deepest, darkest Northamptonshire...?! ❤️🥶🥶🥶 There is no such thing as bad weather they say ... 😉
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