sixfootcandy
@sixfootcandy
Followers
50,139
Following
7,177
Media
1,438
Statuses
157,831
Loves animals more than most people.
Los Angeles, CA
Joined January 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
#Mchoice2024
• 1880144 Tweets
#MintAwards2024
• 1342449 Tweets
Call me
• 120699 Tweets
MCHOICE X ML
• 110205 Tweets
#ホロ0期生ライブ2024
• 102715 Tweets
#liSTeningPARTY
• 91804 Tweets
SING ALONG WITH YOKO
• 89204 Tweets
#Venue101
• 87875 Tweets
#ZMZMINZM
• 29586 Tweets
#SixTONESANN
• 28736 Tweets
BILLYBABE AT PRAEW2024
• 28675 Tweets
#青島くんはいじわる
• 23570 Tweets
リスアニ
• 23382 Tweets
ビッグラン
• 21854 Tweets
結束バンド
• 21604 Tweets
ライブ映像
• 21594 Tweets
最高のライブ
• 19373 Tweets
デスゲーム
• 18493 Tweets
Twitter調子
• 17233 Tweets
HALF TIME
• 17205 Tweets
紫耀くん
• 14460 Tweets
Hysteria
• 13597 Tweets
東海道南方沖
• 12555 Tweets
YEONJUN IS LOADING
• 11138 Tweets
コロンブス
• 10778 Tweets
アクキヨ
• 10170 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
Do people who run marathons know they don’t have to?
557
15K
82K
You worked 40 hours this week, so please enjoy the next 48 hours of chores and errands.
113
11K
75K
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re the person who falls asleep on the couch after dinner and says “I was just resting my eyes for a minute."
196
3K
30K
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
682
1K
22K
My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.
1K
1K
20K
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
76
640
15K
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
285
599
12K
It's okay, facial recognition. I don't recognize myself anymore either.
24
2K
12K
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
105
515
10K
That moment when you finish all the dishes, turn around, and realize you forgot all the pots and pans on the stove.
102
414
10K
I wish I could go out with you tonight but I have two avocados that will be ripe from 6:00- 6:15PM.
99
1K
9K
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
59
2K
5K
Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.
83
1K
5K
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
22
298
5K
I was annoyed at my husband for misplacing his sunglasses again. After retracing our steps, I realized I was actually sitting on them in the car. So, I threw them under his seat and became the hero when I found them.
Follow me for more marriage advice.
58
316
5K
I didn't feel like cooking, so I told my husband the water will be off in our building until 8:00 PM, so we’ll have to go out to dinner tonight. Lies are totally acceptable when they include margaritas.
17
165
4K
My husband just scratched his balls with the tv remote. You single ladies don't know what you're missing.
256
2K
4K
My husband just accused me of marrying him for free tech support. I’m not gonna lie, it was in my the top 3 reasons
126
343
4K
Why do women always assume I'm thinking the worst when I look at them? Maybe I think you have pretty hair you dumb whore.
65
2K
4K
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
51
618
4K
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
234
1K
4K
I just got an email from Prime Video saying the ad free service I’M ALEADY PAYING FOR will no longer be ad free unless I give them an additional $3.00 per month.
You greedy little f**kers. I just canceled my service.
290
365
4K
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*
Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
26
226
4K
Welcome to middle age. You’re no longer spontaneous. Everything requires at least two weeks notice now.
103
552
3K
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “You go ahead, I'm just going to sit for a minute.”
11
514
4K
Husband: *rearranging our throw pillows*
Me: [from upstairs] That’s not how they go.
78
653
3K
Welcome to middle age. Clean sheet night excites you now.
126
567
3K
My husband thinks all the silverware should go in one big pile together instead of being separated by size and category. I really wish I had known this before we got married.
171
131
3K
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
14
291
3K
I started using extra sensitive toothpaste and now I can't stop crying.
33
2K
3K
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
28
553
3K
When my husband makes me mad I’ll send him to the store for something that doesn’t exist.
162
400
3K
My husband had a great idea today that I came up with 6 months ago.
100
297
3K
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
40
1K
3K
I talk a lot of shit for someone who can’t put her panties on without falling over.
51
2K
3K
Has 50 coffee mugs. Drinks out of the same one every day.
174
309
3K
People want to hear your honest opinion as long as it’s the same as theirs.
110
493
3K
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I'm making it 2 months.
78
246
3K
Any restaurant: “Be careful. The plate is hot.”
Me: *touches it*
87
437
3K
Salesman: What’s your sleep number?
Me: I don’t know, maybe 20 guys. The 80s are still a blur.
60
830
2K
Husband: Why are your hands bleeding?
*flashback to me struggling to open a pistachio for 20 minutes*
Me: I’m learning how to play guitar.
15
195
3K
My friend's kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he's my favorite person.
33
1K
2K
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
88
452
2K
I told my husband he has to shave his entire body before he sees the dermatologist today. Lies are okay when they’re entertaining.
42
353
2K
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
1K
241
2K
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
89
693
2K
Autocorrect just changed “I’ll host everyone” to “I hate everyone.”
Long story short, I’m free for the holidays now.
53
254
2K
A threesome but it’s just me and two different pieces of pie.
95
716
2K
A woman was talking loudly on her phone in the bathroom stall next to me so I started responding to everything she said
She didn’t think it was as amusing as I did
89
193
2K
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
94
221
2K
The guy behind me is rolling his eyes and sighing because he thinks it will make the cashier go faster.
I’m next and can’t wait to ask for price checks on items that don’t even exist.
160
226
2K
I spend the first 10 minutes at any social event planning my exit strategy.
233
292
2K
When you tell your husband not to buy any ice cream, and then he actually shows up with no ice cream.
33
177
2K
Welcome to middle age. You can’t remember if you took your pills 10 minutes after you take your pills.
106
317
2K
The average American eats 25 donuts per year. I am clearly picking up the slack for someone out there.
217
269
2K
I’ve started writing my grocery lists based on what aisle something is in. I have the entire store memorized. This is who I am now.
257
191
2K
I either forget to eat all day or eat 200,000 calories. There is no in between.
32
366
2K
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
57
319
2K
*the sound of me falling down the stairs*
My husband: Is my computer ok?
80
281
2K
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December & January.
147
312
2K
I'm having lunch with my mom today. I can't wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
38
695
2K
Get married if you want to accidentally scare someone in the hallway and then argue about who was at fault.
54
361
2K
Get married so you can yell something to your spouse, and they can yell 'What?' ten times from another room, instead of walking 25 feet.
79
175
2K
Me: I’m hungry.
Fridge: I’m full of the veggies and fruit you just purchased.
Me: Doritos it is!
55
305
2K
Today, my husband learned that bras don’t go in the dryer. He'd tell you himself, but he's still locked out of the house.
119
147
2K
Therapist: Are you doing anything special for each other during the holidays?
Me: I made him an advent calendar.
Therapist: That was thoughtful of you.
Husband: It was filled with pieces of paper with errands I need to run before Christmas.
18
100
2K
Nothing in life prepares you for stepping in something wet while wearing socks.
63
463
2K
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You're going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
15
117
2K
ME: Do you have to breathe like that?
HUSBAND: If I want to stay alive.
ME: *sigh* Fine, whatever.
37
447
2K
Kids today will never understand the heartbreak of getting to Blockbuster too late on a Friday and finding out all the copies of the movie you've been waiting all week to watch are gone.
32
158
2K
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
90
107
2K
When you’ve been with your family 24/7 and need 5 minutes alone so you don’t lose your shit.
28
268
2K
I can’t be friends with people over 40 who use the same slang as their teenage children. That shit is so sus.
260
217
2K
Sometimes my husband and I sit at Starbucks and try to guess who has someone locked in their basement.
180
238
2K
I’m at an age where I laugh and walk away if someone tells me I’ll have to wait an hour for a table.
64
254
2K
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
40
325
2K
Someone I know decided to launch a new business based on an idea they stole from me. Guess who just bought up every possible version of the company's domain? 😁
60
87
2K
I just blocked two family members on social media.
The holidays are going to be fun this year.
116
132
2K
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client's tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn't remember me.
48
699
2K
My favorite summer activity is called “friends with pools who live within a 5-mile radius.”
8
155
2K
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
56
273
2K
My turkey is moister than your mom at a Neil Diamond concert.
84
601
2K
My step kids sweetly refer to me as “You’re not my real mother” and “My mom cooks way better than you.”
122
149
2K
My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.
155
216
2K
My husband brought home a heart shaped pizza. He’s going to get so lucky after I pop some Tums, cut these Spanx off, and his viagra kicks in.
50
229
2K
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
12
154
2K
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
39
228
2K
No one would think I’m an adult if they saw my snack choices.
67
325
2K
The first rule of Hot Dog Club is: you do not talk about what’s in hot dogs.
66
460
2K
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
25
249
2K
I describe my husband’s style as “Is that what you’re wearing?”
56
230
2K
I had to leave a holiday party early last night because of an emergency at home. Granted, the emergency was trying on my new PJs and eating all the food I stole on my way out the door.
47
121
2K