Sarah Colonna
@sarahcolonna
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Following
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Statuses
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Comedian, Actor Insatiable. Shameless. Chelsea Lately. NYT Bestseller I cheer for punts. @clutchwomen Mrs @jonryan9 Co-host @areyoumypod
California
Joined May 2009
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Thank you so much for all the well wishes. Jon is being checked out but in good spirits. You guys are so nice. ❤❤❤
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She was addressing the UN on ISIS. SHE WAS NOT SHOWING OFF A FUCKING BABY BUMP.
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17 Americans were gunned down in a school 4 days ago. This seems important.
Just watched a very insecure Oprah Winfrey, who at one point I knew very well, interview a panel of people on 60 Minutes. The questions were biased and slanted, the facts incorrect. Hope Oprah runs so she can be exposed and defeated just like all of the others!
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You’re a fucking liar. The woman tried to take the mic out of his hand and he held onto it saying “pardon me ma’am.” It’s on VIDEO.
President Trump believes in a free press and expects and welcomes tough questions of him and his Administration. We will, however, never tolerate a reporter placing his hands on a young woman just trying to do her job as a White House intern...
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How do you say “go fuck yourself,” but with more Christmas spirit?
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LOL at
@SarahHuckabee
for saying the NFL issue is "pretty black and white" and not even getting the irony of her own words.
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Excited to hear all those who were so outraged at Kathy Griffin speak out.
JUST IN: Video of fake Trump shooting members of media shown at president's Miami resort: report
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Girls, drink too much and get raped: your fault. Guys, drink too much, then rape: the alcohol's fault.
#BrockTurner
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I am running for President! (That’s how this works right?). I have a slogan too! 🇺🇸
#ColonnaNotCorona2020
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Change is strange but exciting and I’m so happy for my boo thang.
So- Hello
#BillsMafia
. Talk to me about your stadium. Things like, WHERE IS THE WINE STAND. 🙋🏼♀️
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HE HAS TO FLY BACK WITH THE TEAM I NEED PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND SPORTS IF WE ARE COVERING IT THANKS
Taylor Swift, Travis Kelce Leave MetLife Stadium Separately After Chiefs Win
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I guess the other three swimmers are probably grateful that the news just keeps calling them "the other three swimmers."
#LochteGate
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This video made me a lot proud, a little horny, then also for a second I thought he had passed away.
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❤️ thank you for everything, Seattle. So many memories.
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Do they get to play themselves in the Lifetime movie or HOW DOES THAT WORK
Actresses Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman are among dozens of parents, coaches and college prep executives charged in college admissions cheating scheme
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On a positive note: I have to say how proud I am of
@JonRyan9
. He played his 200th game in the NFL tonight. That's pretty crazy.
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He’s going to be totally fine- thank you all for the nice thoughts - Luckily he gets his skin checked yearly and after they remove the spot he will be all good, it is contained to that spot.
Just - Use it as a reminder to get your yearly scans!
Roughriders punter Jon Ryan diagnosed with skin cancer
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You’re now relying on quotes from NYT and CNN to say this is fake news but you say they are fake news so is this fake fake news or faker news or huh
Michael Wolff is a total loser who made up stories in order to sell this really boring and untruthful book. He used Sloppy Steve Bannon, who cried when he got fired and begged for his job. Now Sloppy Steve has been dumped like a dog by almost everyone. Too bad!
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There's been more focus on what to do about players peacefully protesting on a knee than there has been about guns ending up in the wrong hands. And here we are.
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Right now Johnnie Cochran is yelling from the grave "The knife isn't bloody, it's just a little muddy!"
#OJSimpson
#CochranRhymes
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Thank you for all your kind words re: my post about Jon’s Instagram. So many true Seahawk fans and also just good people. I know there are way worse problems than internet trolls 😂 but sometimes it gets under my skin. Ya’ll made me remember a couple voices aren’t worth it ❤️
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Me to
@JonRyan9
just now, realizing why he’s so calm:
“You’re a punter, you’ve been self-quarantining your whole life.”
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A lot of talented and deserving people get cut on days like today. More things play into than talent. So if you think you’re being funny or cute when you shit or laugh at someone for it, lemme know when you lose a job you worked your ass off for.
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So happy for Jon, so proud of him - and this means the world to him
thank you
@Seahawks
for this. Forever a
#Seahawks
@JonRyan9
Popular punter Jon Ryan, who spends his days working with the minor league baseball teams he owns, is returning to Seattle to sign a deal to retire with the Seahawks.
Via
@bcondotta
:
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Nothing like stuffing your face with 7 layer dip then seeing Shakira in a crop top
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Perfection
Pete Buttigieg is just so good at this.
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The
@Seahawks
are wearing white on white today which means my husband will be camouflaged.
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My husband’s alarm just went off.
Me: why do you have an alarm set? It’s Sunday. And also - quarantine.
@JonRyan9
: time to get the beer out of the freezer
Slow clap.
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This. Is. My. Husband. So so proud. See you there, Regina. 🏳️🌈
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How can any of us go to sleep until he deletes that tweet? Guess I'll put on a pot of
#covfefe
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Question: since
@JonRyan9
can’t eat beef in Mexico due to possible steroids in it (SERIOUSLY), as a good wife should I :
A) order a hamburger and eat it right in front of him
B) order 2 hamburgers and eat them both right in front of him
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JON RYAN SIGNED HIS LAST CONTRACT IN A GARY PAYTON JERSEY AND THE PR DEPT WAS MAD AT HIM BUT NOW THEY GET IT
#TrendSetter
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Having the exact same amount of burgers and buns, then ending with no burgers & a bunch of leftover buns is the most LA thing about yesterday’s bbq 😂
#NoBunPlease
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Oh hey guys are we taking a photo? Fun! Can I be in the photo? Which way are we looking? GUYS?!
BTS
@insatiable_
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Kanye needs help. This isn’t a laughing matter - and neither is thinking it’s funny or cute to vote for him, encouraging that, or laughing at him while he has this breakdown. I hope he gets the help he clearly needs.
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Sons of Bitches!
The NFL will lead a fundraising effort during Thursday's game to raise money for hurricane relief on Puerto Rico
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It’s better for my sex life if the Seahawks win tonight so pls consider rooting harder for them to. Thanks.
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UM. You came for Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson - so now we’re fucking coming for you, Coronavirus 🙅🏼♀️
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have tested positive for the coronavirus, with the actor posting the news on his Instagram
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I shared my purell wipes with two young girls next to me on the plane and told them “don’t forget the tv, people put their feet on those”
They said “ew” and wiped furiously and now I think i am a parent
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Remember when people were punching each other in the face over Popeye’s chicken sandwich? Those were the days.
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My heart is with every single survivor of sexual assault. You. Are. Not. Alone.
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Just saw a lady checkout with 8 bottles of wine and one box of grits and now I have a new hero
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I’m already at the “maybe I’ll never have to put a bra on again” stage of this quarantine.
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My mom just got her vaccine as my stepdad gets it later today.
Mom works at a funeral home so she’s been working and seeing people this whole time. I can’t tell you the relief I feel right now. 🥂
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His hand is up. She moves underneath it to grab his mic as his arm comes back down. You’re a lying, bad person. We have seen the full video. History will judge you. Not sure how you sleep at night.
#StandWithAcosta
We stand by our decision to revoke this individual’s hard pass. We will not tolerate the inappropriate behavior clearly documented in this video.
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😭😭😭😭😭💙💚
Back where he belongs.
We've signed Jon Ryan to a one-day contract, and he'll retire as a Seattle Seahawk.
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Later, bitch
Exclusive video: Woman caught on camera allegedly dumping puppies into Coachella dumpster in 90-degree weather arrested on animal abuse charges.
@TonyNBCLA
reports:
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To be fair, none of us are watching Thursday night football- because it's fucking WEDNESDAY
I would ordinarily be watching Thursday Night Football, but for some reason I’m not
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So many people are asking about Jon—it makes me smile how great you all are. He's good! Bit of a headache & excited to have a beer later.
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Are they going to fine all the people in the stands who talk, take selfies and yell at players during the
#Anthem
?
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Well you guys
@JonRyan9
got all the Christmas stuff out of storage today. The storage unit that we had to get FOR HIS CHRISTMAS STUFF
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This is my semi-annual reminder that "Would've,"Should've," etc are contractions for "would have," "should have," etc. IF YOU THINK IT'S "SHOULD OF" OR "WOULD OF" YOU SHOULD BE ARRESTED. THANKS.
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HEY ASSHOLES:
When ppl w/ large followings do something charitable & we hear about it, stop asking “why couldn’t it be done quietly?”
MAYBE, just MAYBE - they believe sharing it will inspire others to help. Stop being dicks. 👋
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You guys keep screaming about masks I’m gonna start walking around with my WHOLE BUTTHOLE out and be like “it’s my RIGHT”
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Don’t shame women who were afraid after he hurt them. Shame the man who did the repulsive acts. Make it safe for women to speak.
#Weinstein
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***Thinks it’s weird to see him in a new uniform
***Gets distracted by calves
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We’ve only had 5 kids stop by so far so we are starting to feel bad about ourselves. HELLO WE HAVE THE KING SIZE CANDY YOU TWERPS
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Last night I had to take a picture of the back of a bottle of so that I could zoom in on it to be able to read the instructions. This is where it all ends
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Merry Christmas from us and our cat Ralphie who kind of looks like us and definitely didn’t want to be in this photo.
@JonRyan9
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For those of you who roll your eyes at those of us who wipe everything down on the airplane - the lady next to me went to the bathroom in her socks, then came back, took her socks off and put them on the tray table. I’m gonna keep wiping that down thanks.
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Please send a thought of love to Chuy’s friends and family. He brought us so much joy. RIP, buddy. Thanks for the years of laughs and “what the fucks”
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Whoever ends up with Sherman on their team is beyond lucky. Really gonna miss watching him. ❤️
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Closing all restaurants, bars, etc.
I get it. We have to do what we have to do to keep people safe. I hope it works.
But none of the discussion I’m hearing is about how the fuck all the people that work there are supposed to get by. Anyone hearing any sort of plan? 💔
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I’d like to thank the lady who just screamed “Hey Prince Harry, fuck you!” to
@JonRyan9
for truly making us laugh too hard
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Since In N Out is trending I’m gonna say this and I’m gonna say it loud:
I don’t like In N Out. Their fries suck and the burger is mediocre and COME AT ME (please don’t I’m scared)
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We set up a table with candy in bags to grab and go. We are sitting with adult beverages waiting for anyone to come by 🤣
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.
@IrvingISD
hello. One of your math teachers is calling a Parkland survivor a crisis actor.
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Hiiiii. “a part” and “apart” are not the same thing. I’ll file this under the same thing as you monsters who think the ‘ve in could’ve, would’ve, etc is “of.”
NOW GET OFF MY LAWN.
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My biggest challenge of getting married, after living solo for many years, is trying to take a deep breath and remember that the food in the fridge is for both of us.
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I do know it’s not good when the Punter has to tackle but it did make me tingly in my lady parts.
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To the guy next to me who whined about losing "Tyler" on his fantasy team: fuck you, this is real life, and his name is Ricardo.
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“What time can I start drinking?” - a guide through 2020
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Well Ted Cruz lives in their first one so I get wanting a second one
Heidi Cruz complains about Ted’s $174,000 Senate salary: ‘We’re not buying a second home anytime soon’
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Hey girl
@taylorswift13
-
@JonRyan9
pulled a similar move on me and now we are married so you and I are basically
#Twinsies
LMK if you wanna hang
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Yes. I. Am. Nervous. Today. But I’m gonna root and cheer my face off cause it ain’t over until it’s over, and these guys never give up. Who is with me?!
#GoHawks
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🤗💪🏻
@JonRyan9
throws a touchdown pass on a fake field goal attempt during the second half of the Seahawks' 28-22 overtime win over the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship game. 4 years ago today and still one of my favorite games!!
@Seahawks
@sarahcolonna
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As a former bartender, I know
#ThanksgivingEve
is when everyone goes to the bars so they can be nice & hungover for their families. SO YOU GUYS REMEMBER TO TAKE A LYFT, UBER, TAXI, PREGNANT FRIEND TO BE YOUR DD OR WHATEVER. Love, Mom.
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