Sam Cahn
@samcahntent
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Larry David himself couldn’t come up with a funnier bit than this
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THANK YOU GUYS FOR 30K! I have no words! Back in 2006 when I signed up for “e-mail”, if you told me one day I’d have 30,000 followers I’d have “lmao”! But here we are going strong! Thank you so much—I’m in shock. Hopefully at the rate I can get 100K by Christmas!
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My brother on Wheel of Fortune is exactly how I imagined it’d go and then some lol
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it’s heartbreaking that there are so many people in prison who clearly have a kind soul but have to resort to crime for survival. if this man could land a job as a mechanic or locksmith or something where he puts this skill to use, he’d have a better life
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@oliviabradley88
(•_•)
<) )╯ you’re not god
/ \
\(•_•)
( (> or my father
/ \
(•_•)
<) )> or my boss
/ \
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My mom’s bathroom decorum be like:
ᒪIᖴE’ᔕ ᗩ ᗷEᗩᑕᕼ
𝐿𝑒𝓈𝓈 𝓈𝓉𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓈, 𝓂𝑜𝓇𝑒 𝒷𝑒𝒶𝒸𝒽
𝓘𝓽’𝓼 𝓸𝓴𝓪𝔂 𝓽𝓸 beach 𝓪 𝓵𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓵𝓮
Ｂｅａｃｈ, ｂｅａｃｈ, ｂｅａｃｈ
𝕷𝖎𝖋𝖊 𝖎𝖘 𝖆 𝖌𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖊𝖓, 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖇𝖊𝖆𝖈𝖍
𝔽𝕦𝕔𝕜 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕓𝕖𝕒𝕔𝕙
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@emilderosa
TikTok rules because everyone makes the same exact joke and everyone goes viral and then everyone thinks they have a knack for creating content and then we get this stuff—it’s an awesome cycle
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mtv should do a show where they have a young woman read 3 of the horniest messages from guys in her DMs in front of the 3 men’s moms and the moms have to guess which one was their son. (a screenshot of the DM will be projected as well so the moms can use their grammar as a clue)
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those clips of cody ko in Vegas right now are crazy man lol why is everyone chanting his name
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I’m going to be honest. I haven’t read a novel since probably junior year of high school (2003). 16 years.
Please recommend me some good books you love—No Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings—I have zero interest sorry
(I’m kind of embarrassed admitting this so don’t be a dick pls)
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British people read “British people be like” tweets and be like “Wool at leest we ain’t goht no school shoo-eengs ahnd o-b-sih-ee”
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Candace Owens scares the shit out of me dude—this is terrifying. 17 hours between thought 1 and 2. Hope she snaps out of it one day
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I’m really lucky to have such a great landlord who scoffed at the idea of me tipping him. This is how you treat your tenants right here.
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I recently discovered Theo Von and every clip I see of him is exactly this
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Wow Chris D’Elia’s apology is so poignant and one of the few “notes app” apologies I’ve seen that feels real
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In other news, I spent about 2 minutes waving excitedly at this fake dog decal on an RV today.
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A 6th grade student of mine drew this on Halloween. He reminded me last week the Broncos will win, 24 to 10. 😳
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@ronnui_
I swear to God almost every person who pulls up next to me in a Jeep (yes I own a Jeep) gives me this nod and I hate that I’m in this club. It’s not in fact, a Jeep thing
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@Buncahn
someone needs to make a gif of you doing the finger guns after you hit bankrupt I’ve been laughing for the last hour at this
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Thanksgiving 2016: my niece Abby just started learning the ukelele and played us a song but forgot their music stand so their sister Emily stepped up (literally) ❤️
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@IAmVioletSkies
When I’d run through my old neighborhood I’d see this sweet girl standing on the wall of her backyard. First time I saw, I ran to the house to tell her owners and they just laughed and were like “she just likes to see everyone, she’s okay”
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My mom drew me a tattoo without knowing it lol—my all time favorite food is her chili and it’s always been my source of comfort when I’d have a bad day or even a good day. It’s my favorite tattoo now but I can’t look too long or it makes me want chili
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I think this man shouldn't be asking questions when he's clearly the answer.
#kenbone
#kennethbone
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I have a strange fascination with how actors during certain eras kind of had a broad looking age that seemed to fall around 35-40 years old but were much younger. I’m watching The Evil Dead and this is what triggered this thought. few examples: (feel free to add some yourself)
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Meg isn’t supposed to be on the couch while my brother is at work and he doesn’t even scold her anymore. He just wipes her hair off in front of her and she avoids eye contact lol
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Gonna take a leave of absence after all the stress from my shift last night
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@choycebrown
@iambrattyb
He won’t! I ABSOLUTELY heard “buzz off!” Didn’t you? Didn’t you hear “buzz”? I think we can ALL agree he said “BUZZ off” 😉😉😉😉😉😉
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@milivoooo
I had a community college professor who taught the same course at city and university. Our first day he wrote this on the whiteboard and I still remember his lecture on why starting at community was smarter
¢ommunity
univer$ity
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@manlikekobzuna
Buddy I still have my dad’s contact number saved in my phone despite his passing in 2011. No time line on grief.
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my brothers and I honoring our dad today by taking nothing seriously
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All these Justin Roiland screenshots consist of him saying extremely weird shit to women, then mentioning he’s drunk, a few slurs (he’s joking!), a “ha ha don’t show anyone these messages”, and then another note he’s drinking. 35 year old with a fully developed brain. Wowzers
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@postgrad_barty
Girl asked if we could go to a Denny’s, we ate and on the way out she tried to jump down the 5-6 stairs and twisted her ankle badly. Ignoring her pain, asked if we could drive to the beach. We parked and she initiated a make out session where she did the Xena war cry in my ear.
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@notzekejaeger
I use “have to” in the sense that it’s their only option they see. In order to survive, I’d argue they have to
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@CNN
They’re right. My brothers and I were put into a bathtub every 2 weeks and sat in the water till we felt it was enough and got out! Didn’t own a toothbrush till we turned 10
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@unhealthytruth
I sometimes wonder if people like you ever have a moment when you're all alone in your bed that you're actually a bad person and you KNOW you make the world worse. I don't say this as an insult either, I just feel like you can be a better person and I hope you do one day.
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*Jerry Seinfeld doesn’t say N word*
Entire world: WOW, JERRY IS...WOKE? MIGHT WATCH SEINFELD NOW
There you have it. We are at the point where a white guy not saying the N word is seen as some act of altruism lol
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(•_•) 🥯
<) )╯ you’re not god
/ \
🥯
\(•_•)
( (> or my father
/ \
(•_•)
<) )> or my boss
/ \🥯
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HQ Trivia games be like:
1. What color are oranges?
2. What’s the capital of New York?
3. Star Wars was directed by ____
4. What is the atomic mass of Lithum?
5. How many flavors are there of Hot Pockets?
6. When is Satan’s birthday?
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#sandrabland
#BlackLivesMatter
#justiceforsandra
This video of Sandra speaks volumes. Volumes.
http://t.co/1cHH0WXaEe
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George Thorogood taking a scantron test
A B C D E
1. [▫️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️]
2. [▫️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️]
3. [▫️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️]
4. [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️]
5. [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
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Without a Paddle has perhaps the greatest cover art ever solely for trying to play off that Seth Green is 6’6”.
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I think the Jackass era of comedy is dead. It's not funny when your punchline is making a mess or destroying property. It's talentless.
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Title ideas so far:
- The DMs (Disappointed Mothers)
- Oedipus Flex
- Richard’s Pictures
- Pick the Dick
- Left on Read
- Not All Men
- That’s My Boy
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This is one of the final emails I’ve received from the trump campaign. He thinks of his supporters as mindless cash cows. Threatening to remove me from an imaginary list and saying I’m not a supporter anymore because I didn’t donate money? CULT. A FUCKING CULT.
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@notzekejaeger
No I hear you. We can have a whole thing on addiction and institutionalization but it’s hard to fault people 100% for their behaviors when people are often born into this life with little tools and support to be what most would consider successful.
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Ken Bone is going to return his (rewound) tapes to Blockbuster tomorrow and be totally confused when everyone recognizes him.
#kenbone
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For everyone asking me about Ben, please know that he and Pat really hit it off as you can see by the clip but once they’re back from Barbados I’ll show him the response he’s gotten!
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*Jerry Springer dies*
Twitter: OMG SOMEONE CHECK ON BOB BARKER
Bob Barker:
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I’m oddly flattered some of you dm me asking if this was real but alas, it is not. I wrote this and apparently I did good—I thought the eyebrow thing gave it away but the internet is weird enough already so it can be hard to tell. Sorry if I confused anyone
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I swear one day I’m going to end my life and it won’t be because I’m depressed but rather I just can’t occupy the same space as these fucking idiots any longer.
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@RealTalkBroGad
NEVER. I’d slap her for having her heel unstrapped because how dare she embarrass me, the man, in public. I’d push her into the lake and find a new wife within the hour so no one thinks I am a homosexual because I am alone without a sexy hot woman at my side!
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my dog works hard every day crying in the window at the squirrels
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Can you imagine how horrible Aladdin would've been if those bad guys actually caught him when he stole bread in the beginning?
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@ChuckRare
I don’t know why people get on this app and just lie for no reason. This guy clearly got Tom Holland to show up to his son’s birthday party and instead he says HE was in the suit to make himself look good or something. Psh. Nice try, dad!
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I was on a failed reality show for Amber called Behind Her Shades shortly after her and Kanye split, and we all had to pretend we were throwing a party for her and the producer told her to cry and get angry at the DJ for playing a Kanye song. It was the weirdest day of my life.
Even Amber Rose knows.
All the media does is lie about Donald Trump..!
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@coleshinsky
Beautiful. Same...but my dad is a ladybug and he just visited me three days ago 😀
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@notbalin
My favorite is always the ones who think you’re a hoax because when you take a selfie, your right eye is suddenly your left
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@terribleoptics
@zukosmadre
Yeah for sure man. Definitely saved the train from loud noises from a guy, a thing that never ever happens on trains.
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@Gusbuckets
@drewisgooden
Would you sell the ulcers separately or do I need to purchase all 3?
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I like to think the guy who started the Marilyn Manson rib rumor came out of retirement to start this JD Vance one because it’s got the same vibe. You can’t believe it but it’s also so specific you kinda have to. Either way I’m doing my part to spread it…just like those cushions
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