Frank Lesser
@sadmonsters
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40,850
Following
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Media
2,383
Statuses
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Former Emmy-winning writer for Colbert and Emmy-losing writer for Sedaris
New York, NY
Joined January 2011
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呪術廻戦
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FEMA
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#GHDBT4
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Elsa
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#朝ドラおむすび
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The Purge
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#RaiseHail
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Pinned Tweet
“Hello, dough servants. Give me a banker’s dozen.”
JD Vance had a very awkward visit to a donut shop in Georgia earlier. Trust us, it’s worse than you even think.
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Biden should start his inaugural speech by saying, “Well, that was weird.”
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Amy Coney Barret's nomination celebration will go down in history as the gender reveal party that burned down the Republican party.
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If Trump wants a big parade in his honor all he has to do is resign
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It doesn't matter if protesters interrupt his meal because Brett Kavanaugh believes dinner begins at reservation
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It’s called Independence Day because these days you’re on your fucking own
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This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
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The problem is that canonically Ariel’s bottom half is cod, whereas in this new trailer she appears to be half mahi-mahi—yet another example of the Left’s “woke” anti-whitefish agenda.
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DeSantis’s heel-lifts are so high it looks like he’s being photographed mid-Rapture
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Supreme Court Justices have proven they’re “supreme” in the same way as a Taco Bell Burrito Supreme: they’re easy to buy and bad for your health
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Elon Musk went from being the Henry Ford of our generation (admired carmaker, brilliant salesman) to being the Henry Ford of our generation (conspiracy theorist, Nazi-enabler)
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Just a reminder that former vice president Aaron Burr was arrested and indicted for treason in 1807 for betraying American interests to foreign powers for personal gain. This was after he stood in the middle of 5th Avenue (Weehawken, NJ) and shot somebody (Alexander Hamilton).
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Don't know why everyone's panicking about a white supremacist fascist signing an executive order calling Jews foreigners.
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Trump claims no one cares about his taxes. The next mass protest should be on Tax Day to prove him wrong.
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BREAKING: The Supreme Court rules that the Fourth of July has been replaced by a mandatory celebration of Jesus’s half-birthday
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Matt Gaetz looks like a stunt double for an extra in the movie Swingers, and Jim Jordan looks like an assistant wrestling coach who covered up a major sex abuse scandal
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Breaking: The FBI has seized Chuck Grassley's carrier pigeon
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If you truly believe life begins at conception, add nine months to your age and start celebrating your birthday on the date your parents fucked you into a zygote
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If Hunter’s last name was Trump, he’d be “Advisor to the President” like Ivanka. If it was Romney, he’d be head of Trump’s RNC like Ronna. If it was Palin, he’d be spending a year in custody for assaulting a woman like your son Track.
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Closed captioning could not handle Pete Buttigieg saying his own last name
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The people worried about “cancel culture” are trying to cancel history
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Every one of Trump's associates is the same undercover detective in increasingly absurd disguises:
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The kids don’t look too excited that Arkansas just repealed its child labor laws, but to be fair they’re on their smoke break from their 14-hour shift at the hog-processing plant’s jowl-and-tooth-separating line.
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Conservatives don’t understand self-deprecating humor because they only make jokes at other people’s expense
tim walz made a joke about "white people tacos" and the right is treating it like watergate, I've never seen this level of desperation before
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Liz Cheney's Trump-backed primary opponent is actually all five Kids in the Hall members playing the same character
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When Yale Law school sends its people, they’re not sending their best
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JOURNALISTS, TAKE NOTE
On the left: Women’s March 2017. An actual mass protest.
On the right: Carriers’ March 2020. This “crowd” could fit inside a rest-stop Cracker Barrel while still maintaining recommended social-distance.
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Trump: [farts during a speech]
Dinesh D'Souza: Only provincial elitists would claim that the President passed gas, when in fact his butthole was clearly speaking in the ancient Ugaritic dialect of the Amorite language used in Syria 3,000 years ago.
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Crazy how Biden took out two top terrorists in one week
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Why would Russia ever attack America when they can just infiltrate the NRA and the GOP and have us attack ourselves
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RFK Jr. is to RFK what Four Seasons Total Landscaping is to Four Seasons Hotel
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That awkwardly symbolic moment when you're a dude in your underwear who thinks the Women's March is cheering for you, but they're actually cheering for Supergirl two fire escapes above
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It’s within Congress’s power as an equal branch of govt. to force the Republican Justices to explain why they misled the Senate during their confirmation, to defend their flawed reasoning in person, and to turn over any extrajudicial communication with anti-abortion activists
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Dinesh D’Souza: Yes, elitist provincials, laugh. Trump isn’t referencing the 1918 Spanish Flu but the 1917 Portuguese Grippe, which infected a young Hitler. After incubating 28 years, it suddenly became symptomatic in the bunker and he sneezed so violently it blew his brains out.
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At this point, their best plan is to claim they were just playing around with the new Lev Parnas filter on Instagram
Enjoyed watching
@KellyannePolls
on
@CNN
, arguing with
@ChrisCuomo
about
@realDonaldTrump
and repeatedly claiming she does not know Lev Parnas.
#LevRemembers
#LetLevSpeak
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If the Supreme Court rules that fetuses are human beings, then any pregnant foreigner who sets foot on American soil gets a baby with American citizenship.
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Greg Gutfeld is protesting "cancel culture" by making a show so awful he'll get canceled the old-fashioned way.
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Turns out Brad Parscale was the Trump figure who had the least bad week
Body camera footage has emerged of the arrest of President Trump campaign advisor Brad Parscale.
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Today President Donald Trump allowed the U.S. Capitol to be overrun by Confederates, Nazis, and Klansmen.
He didn't object because that's his base.
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Although his birth certificate shows a first name of Timothy, for decades Governor Walz has deceived voters with the folksy alias “Tim.”
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Mitch McConnell and the Republicans ended the filibuster in order to install a partisan Supreme Court, so Democrats must *selectively* end the filibuster to correct these Republican Justices' corrupt decisions. Call it
#TheMcConnellRule
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Crazy that this was Dianne Feinstein’s deathbed confession:
BREAKING: Las Vegas police have made an arrest in the 1996 drive-by shooting of hip-hop icon Tupac Shakur, AP sources say.
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The sad part is that Eric Trump won't have to delete the records of any calls between him and his father.
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The Donald Trump Presidential Library will just be the bathroom.
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The only thing Franklin Graham has in common with Jesus is that he only got where he is because of who his father was
Repeated stimulus payments & giveaway packages have encouraged people not to go to work. The Republicans seem to know how to get people to work and the Democrats seem to know how to tax your money and give it to people as an incentive not to work.
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Santos staring straight into the camera like the monster in a A24 horror film called Rep
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This isn’t the first time Trump has asked a 16-year-old girl to Netflix-and-chill.
So ridiculous. Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!
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Right now Trump is trying to hire someone to take his Covid test for him.
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The Danish prime minister should tell Trump she would have sold it to President Obama.
There is a lot going on in Trump's explanation for canceling on Denmark. A transcript and two fact checks:
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First time taking down a sex-trafficker actually involved a pizza place:
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Musk wants Twitter to be “the public town square,” but the problem is that town is Nuremberg and the townsfolk are getting ready for a rally.
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Susan Collins's entire legacy will be chalk washed away
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I love that the State of the Union operates under vampire rules. “You must invite him in.”
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The people who complain that removing Confederate monuments is "erasing history" love erasing the history of why the Confederacy fought the war.
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A Veep in the streets, but a drywall-installer in the sheets
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I'd tell Jim Breuer to stick to comedy but people are suffering enough already
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Elon Musk loses penis in horrific Tesla door-slamming incident:
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For every beloved SNL performer from a decade, there is an equal and opposite washed-up conservative SNL performer from that decade. This is known as Lorne’s Third Law of Cast-Members.
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Not sure why Trump is going on Tucker Carlson for a physical when Sean Hannity already gives him a full colonoscopy every night
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Normally the only time someone gets buried in a golf course is the end of a Scorsese movie
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I thought trolls were supposed to be under the bridge.
Obnoxious Trump supporters in New York shut down Mario Cuomo bridge
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Republicans believe in the right to bear arms and the right to force women to bear children
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Tom Cruise is tangled in his harness at the top of the balloon drop
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"Don't make up fake names on Twitter."
-Guy who named an actual human after a math equation
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If the parallels aren't eerie enough, Burr partnered with a disgraced general who was later found to be a spy working for a foreign government:
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People are tweeting about
#EmptyShelvesJoe
as if the country didn't run out of toilet paper under
#FullOfShitDonald
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If this gets 1,000 retweets I'll knock on this creepy door
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If you're wondering where Mike Pence is, ask yourself, was he ever there in the first place? Or was he the ghost of a 19th century sea captain, trapped between worlds, doomed to roam the earth alongside the worst human alive as punishment for once lustfully gazing at a tuna?
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One Star Wars quote Jason Miller never references is "I am your father" because then he'd have to pay child support.
Fox News has cut coverage of the press conference to have Jason Miller on making Star Wars references
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The only Revolutionary War figure you can compare him to is Benedict Arnold, and even that's unfair because at least that traitor actually served in the military.
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Biden's final victory margin won't be the first time a lot of Trump supporters called a number of around 6 million people a hoax.
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Tiffany stealing the spotlight by announcing her engagement on her dad's last full day in office proves she's a Trump after all.
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I didn't realize comedy venues were requiring proof of vaccination for the past 23 years.
Comedian and 'Saturday Night Live' alum Jim Breuer says he will not be performing at venues that require proof of Covid vaccination for guests.
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Would watch a network procedural where Greta Thunberg catches criminals by harnessing the power of internet burns
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If Musk wants to replace the Twitter logo with a lapdog that hasn’t been relevant for the past 10 years, he should use Matt Taibbi
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@TheAndrewNadeau
It gets worse:
Although his birth certificate shows a first name of Timothy, for decades Governor Walz has deceived voters with the folksy alias “Tim.”
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Scott Baio is “legendary” in the sense that his career died years ago and he’s now a cautionary tale you tell children so they behave
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Elon Musk has turned into late-stage Howard Hughes and his jar of urine is Twitter
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Congrats
@Jim_Jordan
, you're now just the Republican with the second-worst gym-related judgment
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“Fetterman looks Satanic,” says Bannon, who looks like Regan from The Exorcist if she really let herself go
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This guy might be the perfect pick because he's already got everyone responding "Who is Mike Richards?"
Mike Richards in Advanced Negotiations to Become Permanent Host of ‘Jeopardy!’ (EXCLUSIVE)
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The most Trumpish thing about Desantis is that he barely won his election but governs like he's Reagan in 1984. His 32,000-vote margin of victory wouldn't even fill up half the Miami Dolphin stadium.
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Trump supporters just can't comprehend how the guy who lost the last election by 3 million votes, had consistently low approval ratings through all 4 years of his term, and actively antagonized the majority of Americans who didn't support him, could possibly lose.
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They’re country over party. Just don’t ask which country.
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