dan the rock yang
@realDANYANG
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my white ex’s parents tried using chopsticks around me and couldn’t and then they apologized to me like I was the CEO of chopsticks
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lol this dude has to carry around juice for the rest of his life
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big news, my bodega guy promoted me from “boss” to “my brother”
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there’s no reason this couldn’t be 3, maybe 4 dudes even
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got high last night and screen shotted a sandwich to “remember it”
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This is some shit bowser would do
Luka Doncic is unveiling his new Jordan brand shoe by hosting a 3x3 tournament on a floating court in Slovenia 🔥
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lookin at this and realizing i don’t know what a vagina is or does
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boobs but instead of milk one is ketchup and one is mustard
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ate an edible and now im wondering if my space heater and humidifier do toy story shit when im not home
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yeah im down for a two party system, the party and the after party
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he wishes he went viral holding a cooler beverage like mountain dew baja blast
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I wish my shitty Instagram followers could see how I’m thriving with the losers on twitter
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pov: you are my doordash driver taking a pic of my ass after handing me a bag of mcgriddles
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everyone in Brooklyn has fentanyl test strips but no one has a printer
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a weird twitter thing that happened a few years ago was when this racist old anti-vaxxer lady dm’ed me this and then died of covid
damn i miss going viral and getting cool dms from the ladies
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[white people from the midwest living in williamsburg]
andrew yang isn’t a real new yorker
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damn i thought asking for vax cards and not looking at them would’ve stopped all this
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please follow me for more tweets about how i don’t know what sex is
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i spent last covid winter drawing/animating/writing/and voicing this (along with my pal joe rogan), please check it out
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texting all my white friends “omg im so sorry” because white ppl got shot
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guessing “woman” on wordle 6 times because im a feminist
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a friend wrote a character based on me in their pilot and the script supervisor said “i don’t think people actually talk and act this way”
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for the record i am not happy she died but the poetry of the moment can’t be ignored- like seeing a piano fall on a guy that hated piano music
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the grammys are cool because it’s where i learn the names of all the songs i hear in the grocery store
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one time my mom sent nerds rope in a care package to china and i remember thinking you can’t just introduce nerds rope to a chinese farm village, you’ll ruin the ecosystem
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my man al lookin like a jazz detective trying to find the missing notes
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we are the daughters of the green m&ms they couldn’t make less horny
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i guess follow me for more sandwich content
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damn i miss going viral and getting cool dms from the ladies
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comedy is just tragedy plus divorcing your wife and dating olivia munn
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[me on a date]
i thought the movie should’ve been about a beach that makes you respect women
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every irish bar is decorated as if conor mcgregor stopped 9/11
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everyday it’s 54 degrees and everyday i don’t know how cold or hot that is
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the president should be whoever can eat the most hotdogs
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please consider following me for more galaxy brain thoughts
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thank god we caught him before he could kill scarlett johansson
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why is every "jr" a son and not a daughter, if i have a daughter her name will be "dan yang jr the girl"
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instagram is down, time for ugly people to take over
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sometimes ill listen to jazz and think damn i wish everyone could see me listening to this
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lol i submitted a packet of cum jokes to this show
Jon met with VA secretary Denis McDonough to talk about burn pits, toxic exposure, and what’s standing in the way of veterans getting the care they need.
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everyone send me your nudes and your money and ill just sort it all out
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can you believe you can’t even call someone a filthy little fucking chink anymore
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@rossparsons
he’s gonna end up in some saw (2004) situation where gets his blood replaced with juice or something
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I hope this gets more likes than
@taylorswift13
pinned tweet.
In the meantime follow these losers
@AmamahSardar
@PtakJokes
@MaxFine12
@BillyHurls
@meghanlfrank1
@comicbam
@_KyleTurner
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If your parents pay your rent your tweets should display in a smaller font
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every podcast is either “here’s how i fuck” or “let me read you this wiki page”
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yeah i like a24
i like-a 24 spicy meatballs in my mouth mama mia
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they made hobo johnson for girls
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lorne won’t let me on snl bc we used to hook up and i blew his back out
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thought of a good tweet at brunch but instead of pulling my phone out i stayed present in the moment like a fuckin idiot
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[me doing improv]
i need an audience suggestion and it has to be morbius
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my mom texts before a facetime like we’re about to rob a bank
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