Jonathan
@readonlymike
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T-Rex about to eat lunch: hmmm… I really shouldn’t… but… who is ever going to know… why not… I deserve it
75 million years later
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Sleeper agents from the People’s Republic of China have been convincing me to “leave at 5pm” and “have a lunch break”
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My girlfriend has started watching modern Doctor Who from the start. I have deliberately never watched any of it before. This is my initial impression:
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Listening to an indie band who all went to a £40,000 a year private school, I read a novel by an author who went to a £40,000 a year private school and pause to read the news written by a selection of people who went to £40,000 a year private schools. I love British culture.
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Extremely funny image. How small was she? Sylvanian Family Empress of India.
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Why do bash “killer” T-Rex for eating baby dinosaurs but we never question if the baby dinosaur has bad vibes? Or if they’re just unpleasant to be around?
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Nicki! Nicki! It’s your cousin. Your cousin, Marvin Minaj. You know my friend with the regular sized balls? Well listen to THIS!
[holds out receiver, pair of extremely enlarged balls thump down on a hardwood table]
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Newspapers embrace the bare minimum in deluge of articles about “quiet quitting” trend
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Tried to find out who the Guardian’s go to pizza guy was and saw there’s also a Jonathan Twentyman (any relation?) in Leigh who owns a property development firm and is followed on here by Helen Pidd. Probably just a coincidence.
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Genuinely don’t understand the deal with 15 minute cities… mum and dad absolutely raging about something on the basis of “totalitarianism” while simultaneously annoyed there isn’t a bank or post office where they live.
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I seem to be more affected by Geronimo the Alpaca’s death than I realised, sir.
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Just want the pandemic to end so I can eat some “triple cooked” chips out of a little basket on a slate and go to a toilet labelled “Stags” and wash my hands in a rusty mop bucket that cost £6,000.
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Me, a boring English cunt with an email job, enjoying the vibes of a cool European city: I should move here and wreck this.
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Weeping openly in a garden centre at this timeless story of love and loss and triumph
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People who watched Master and Commander in 2003: good little movie, Crowe in top form
People who “convert” to Master and Commander now in 2022: [screaming while sat in a pedalo] April, 1805, Napoleon is master of Europe and only the British fleet stands before him – oceans are
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What people think British intelligence agents look like VS what they really look like
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A person of any nationality or global renown dies:
The British: remember that one time they interacted with our bankrupt culture
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@pickyouredge
I desperately want one of the “interesting” replies from either a long term mutual or an anonymous blue tick but will I ever get it? No.
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Twitter tells me Shrek is 22 years old and I feel absolutely nothing. My face stares impassively down at the screen, completely expressionless. The release of Austin Powers is closer to the start of WW2 than today. I am immune to this. Time passes, the circle turns.
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Scientists have discovered mushrooms communicating with each other using 50 words forming complex message chains such as, “another low-key normal one on the hellsite, my guy, my guy, normal, hellsite, guy, low-key, another normal guy, hellsite, my guy”
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@tristandross
Did they just get it working again or did you have to do the Hollywood thing of someone levering the doors open and clambering out between floors?
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“Your majesty, please excuse me, I was just discussing with Lord Palmerston-”
“Gentlemen! Discuss the situation in Crimea, we must. Amused, I am not.”
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Nice viral tweet you got there... be a shame if I was “still thinking about it” three weeks from now.
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Alex Turner, haltingly crooning over a rejected Bond Theme: the milk went off… in my spaceship…
Me, remembering being 17 when I first heard his voice on an mp3 someone sent me on MSN Messenger: I must be loyle to my capo
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At Christmas I was in a pub with work and I ended up buying a pint for a stranger as part of a round, he kissed me on the back of the neck and said “any time you’re in town and want some coke, mate, let me know.” He looked like this.
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Me, watching a film on the big screen, 1 second in: where the FUCK is Batman or The Joker? [gasping] wait, this is magnificent
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Love interactions like this. Wendy put under dietary requirements “food must be PIPING HOT” and the chef decided “ah, sadly, it seems like you’re a twat?”
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Adverts in 2020
[member of organisation looks directly at the camera] It’s been a funny old year, hasn’t it?
Voiceover: it’s been a funny old year
[Chorus of children on Zoom] It’s been... a funny ollllldddd year....
[minor celeb] We’ve *all* had a funny old year
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Orc: meat is back on the menu, boys!
[Three days earlier]
Orc: Blanquette de Veau for me and the lads
French orc waiter: I am afraid we are all out at the moment, I can recommend soupe à l'ognion obviously but chef-
Orc: rrrraarrrghhhhhh
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Dressed my dog, Field Marshal Haig, up in a little Jubilee outfit and the house started shaking, the floorboards burst open and rats, led by one carrying a red flag, swept in like a wave and consumed him in seconds, leaving nothing but bones.
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Diana: Good evening, 47. You’ve got your work cut out for you on this one.
EXCLUSIVE: Andrew Lloyd Webber and Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda have collaborated on a top-secret “once in a lifetime project” for the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee.
Full story 👇
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[bundling children into my highly profitable Child Grinding Machine] hahahaha YES YES this is the best
[someone calls me a “sod” for doing this] damn, it’s been a hard week. This job gets tough sometimes. Going to take some time for myself.
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Poppy season is going to be an all timer this year. 100s of tweets a day comparing 2020 to D-Day, anti-masks protestors hiring a tank, Captain Tom setting himself alight. All culminating in a final shuddering climax as the Thank You NHS Spitfire crashes into a hospital.
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Hitler in his bunker shouting about a bunch of imaginary divisions he think are coming to save him as the Soviets shell Berlin’s suburbs.
Me, a political editor: The Fuhrer’s got his confidence back!
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Keeping seeing this and thinking some British lad is going to smash him on the back with a chair
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Me: the pope was riding a dinosaur?! Where is this???
Two hours later.
Me: in my latest blog I talk about the incipient danger of AI
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[Dominos texting me as nuclear war breaks out] The Cold War’s gone hot, but not as hot as our new Chilli Beef pizza! It’s Mutually Assured Delicious!
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France v England in the final. Thomas Skinner reading out “once more unto the breach, bosh” beforehand, worst game of all time, France win on penalties, final montage to “je ne regrette rien” Southgate’s face in black and white
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Me: Yeah I believe in FALC. Fucking Aggressive Large Canines.
My co-worker: you spent your whole Sunday working on this?
Me: I had another one: “Novara is just what Mario says when he hates a video decision in the football.”
Co-worker: I went to the beach with my kids.
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6 weeks into having Elon Musk’s chip in my head. I have started saying “gib me dat for free” and drawing pepes on the wall in my own shit. When I google “apartheid” all I see is dollar signs. I have developed a deep hatred for divers.
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Remember when Ubisoft removed Helen Lewis from the in-game radio of Watchdogs 3? Hahahaha
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Not sure what phase of Twitter we’ve now entered where the tweets that go absolutely massive are just people asking “what is your favourite day of the week that isn’t on the weekend?” or “if you were a horse what would your name be?”
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Me: I hate rainy fascism island, Dan Snow posting a lawn? Fuck off! I hate the very trees planted in this corrupted soil.
An American: your country has teeny cars
Me: [blasting the Dambusters March] perfidious yankee, how dare you besmirch Britannia
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@angryaboutbikes
It’s weird because I am simultaneously being asked to take the virus less seriously by going in and take it waaaay more seriously because of all the office precautions I don’t have to do at home, it’s like the perfect recipe for anxiety.
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You ever buy birthday cards and there’s no middle ground between “You’re the love of my life, I wish I could dress in your skin” and “Still alive, cunt?”
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Top 4 Warning Signs In a Man's Bookshelf:
1/ a book juts out from the rest
2/ when pulled, the entire bookcase slides away revealing a dark, torchlight stairwell
3/ Descending deeper, you feel the dark heat of the earth
4/ Below, you hear laughter and the hollow rattle of chains
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This section from John Newsinger’s The Blood Never Dried about the Irish Famine becomes more and more relevant with every passing day.
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Me: Cats on leads, kids in pubs, British versus American food… keep scrolling… must…see… more… of this…
An doctor, some months later: fascinating case. His brain literally climbed out of his skull and strangled him to death
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Next Pixar movie is called Bristol and it’s about the full gamut of the stool chart going on a whimsical adventure to the British city of the same name.
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Thousands of retweets for “school was cold, wasn’t it?” and yet people on this site have the audacity to mock pensioners on Facebook for sharing images of the Waffen SS captioned “Do you remember REAL binmen?”
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[seeing holiday pictures on Twitter when I’m at work] wretches… bastards… how can they do this to me? Each grain of white sand is an insult
[me on holiday] the people on Twitter will love to see this great view and the cocktail I’m having. It’ll really perk them up.
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Prince Andrew: mama, may I go to the funes as an Admiral?
[The Queen emits a ghastly rustle like a dry wind across a frozen desert of bones]
Prince Harry: pure bants from the legends as always
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Dan Hodges buying a gun is the funniest thing in the world. I can’t. Fuck. The bit from Taxi Driver but it’s Dan Hodges. Dan Hodges in the lobby scene of the Matrix. Straw Dogs but it’s Dan Hodges. Friends of Eddie Coyle but Dan Hodges. Desperado guitar case but carried around by
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My solo like on the tweet you deleted… a parting kiss to the forehead as you sink into the icy abyss…
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[Noir sax playing] she might have been small but when she came to my office that night she brought a big old heap of trouble
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Holy shit, Snopes calling the widow of the guy who died in the Capitol less than a week later saying “sorry for your loss. Is it accurate to say he tased himself repeatedly in the balls? Or was it only once?”
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Internet atheism actually hung on pretty well given Christopher Hitchens shat himself to death and Richard Dawkins tweeted things like “inadequate girth of horse penis; why?” nonstop for years.
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If that guy outruns the police for much longer I expect they’ll just say “hmmm… probably just the wind” and return to their original patrol pattern.
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[making a modern horror film] what if… an old woman… was naked…
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Feel like I’ve gone insane, seeing the Israel account and the United Nations Geneva account quote tweet each other like the brand managers of Wendys and Pizza Hut.
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Pointless being on this website if you’re not wired in, 24/7, squirming around in your own shit like one of the hairless battery freaks in the Matrix. 65 tweets saying “I am weed” on the TL and I just don’t have the energy to find out what it’s about.
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Wish I had saved the TripAdvisor review I saw where a person who regularly went to a pub said “usually love it here but was upset on Christmas Eve not to see our favourite barmaid Emily - 1 star” and the owner had responded “I expect you mean Emma, she had the night off”
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Watching John Wick.
My girlfriend, cinematically illiterate: this is like a computer game
Me, well versed in Hong Kong action cinema, an aesthete: [setting aside the controller I’ve been holding, pretending I’m doing all his moves] now look here
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Me: in Cuba we drive old uncool cars. The embargo is not the USA’s fault. We call it the Chebargo
My CIA Handler: keep it coming
Me: my grandfather was killed by the regime. His crime? Merely being Batista’s favourite tortu-
Handler: broken arrow
Me: …tortilla maker
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It’s a bad poem, sure, but it did remind me to put on a washload and isn’t that what great art is all about
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🚨 | NEW: For the first time in HISTORY, millions across the country will be asked to make their promise to the King by saying the following out loud:
“Mate your an absolute cunt… and a proper legend.”
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Ricky Gervais: we’ve been homo sapiens for hundreds of thousands of years and people still think opposable thumbs come from some cunt called God?!
Baz, 35y/o armed policeman: [wildly applauding] it’s not funny but it’s right.
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Katy works for me. She is single & earns less than 30k, rents a room for £775pcm in Central London, has student debt, £120 a month on travelling to work saves money every month, goes on foreign holidays & does not need to use a foodbank.
Katy makes my point really well.
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And when Andy Parsons saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more weeks to mock.
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Sadly now that he’s died it’s impossible to know what was happening here and why he replied 3 years later. I’m haunted by it.
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If I was a 1930s aristocrat I would simply hatch my fratricidal poisoning plot on a weekend when a private detective was not staying.
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The Met Office describing the attendees of Friday night work drinks
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My tweet about how the NHS is uniquely evil
654💬800k♻️1M❤️
My tweet 6 months later with a link to my Gofundme for the insulin I need
3💬0♻️0❤️
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Did the government career quiz and it said “your an absolute cunt... and a proper legend” max salary £20,000 in Administration.
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Me: What do you think about the Extinction Rebellion NFT, Glædwine?
Glædwine, the medieval peasant I have brought forward through time, looking up from Breath of the Wild on Switch: Seemeth an idea poorly lacking valor!
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“Hey,” he said, half asleep, “what were you before you met me?”
“I think I was an absolute cunt.”
A pause.
“And what are you now?” he whispered, sinking.
I thought for a second. “A proper legend.”
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The music here has really undercut a moment of pure unbridled terror
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Went out with work before Christmas and one guy legitimately Del Boyed through the bar. I was in a state of ecstasy so sublime I started speaking in tongues.
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I was born in the early 80s. I went to an elite university but not to Oxbridge. I have some potted planted and like to cook from recipe books - I have the first Ottolenghi book but I know that’s a bit passé now. I don’t go out much anymore but I still check Resident Advisor from
I make men submit a 500-word essay to date me: Do not waste my time
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British bookshops in 2020 are 80% Captain Tom. Kids books, colouring books, autobiographies, the slow-walking detective mysteries, Captain Tom in Space, his recipe book, some of his favourite chairs, all human history from his perspective.
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