ringworm
@prawn_meat
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kick damn ass and rock on. check out my substack https://t.co/3SKUnX2ODb
dharawal, sydney
Joined March 2009
T is basically the last great letter before the alphabet completely goes off the rails.
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my son (2 years old) is telling me about a creature which "eats bones to cool down". he says it's "real". can anyone corroborate this.
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they should give all the college debt to one guy. everyone else clear, one guy 2 trillion in the hole. but no loophole for the guy. his punishments should be real and meaningful.
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not sure how we know that the statue of david had a boner in there. but i'm glad we do.
Statue of David was bricked inside this cone to protect it from bombs during World War II.
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her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu.
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just opened threads. it's basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again.
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bought a second hand kindle from the pawn shop and would love to get in touch with the previous owner to discuss their interests 👍
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it's insane when old people just do nothing. sitting near an old guy at the airport who's just sitting. no book no phone no music. not even looking around. just staring straight ahead.
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brushing one's teeth. a farewell to treats. good night, sweet delicacies, my mouth knows only tooth paste now. perhaps tomorrow we will meet again.
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when a horrid little flesh tube straight from hell pops his disgusting face on to the dock you give him a spoonful of meat. very very simple transaction.
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@ArmAndUnionize i'm just verifying his claims. if they don't stand up to scrutiny they shouldn't be propagated.
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whenever i get envious because someone i know scored a big career win i take a deep breath and remind myself that although i deserve it more and would do a better job, they probably got it by nefarious means that i would never stoop to.
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just saw a boomer use an ipad to take a photo of a cafe menu, then zoom in on the photo and order from it.
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(a bell rings, reminding me of previous times i have eaten) these memories are so good. might as well salivate. it's my choice.
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jump into the depths of rock music. we hear you like rock. we hear you like rock
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just saw a guy on the train open the spotify search bar, stare at it for 30-40 seconds and type "leonord choen" in very slowly.
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apparently in the new legend of zelda game, zelda is a girl - breaking the series long-held tradition of zelda being the small boy in green hat. further eveidence that nintendo has "gone woke".
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bram stoker: i'm working on a novel. me: oh cool. what's it called. bram stoker: bram stoker's dracula.
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dude can you turn the bus around. i left my eggs at the stop. yes all of them. please turn the bus around so i can get my eggs
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"pontifex" sounds like the name the pope made up for himself when he was 14 and just getting into online gaming.
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it's so beautiful how cops instinctively protect whichever protest group is the most fascist. like how albatrosses can instantly identify their partners after a year at sea.
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the full quote is so much worse
Taylor Swift on re-recording her old albums: “I’m collecting horcruxes. I’m collecting infinity stones. Gandalf’s voice is in my head every time I put out a new one. For me, it is a movie now”
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cobblers probably thought their profession would never die out. "people will wear shoes forever". true bitch but you did not account for other factors.
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waited patiently to ask the lady at the markets what these are because i have a curious nature and when i did she said "it's not for you" and moved on to the next person
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has anyone seen my sharp rock? i left it in the river for 100 years for safe keeping and now i can't find it. its many uneven edges have sentimental significance.
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monkeypox. great name for a virus. sick of acronym viruses. sars, covid, who cares. i want the mystery. intrigue me with the monkey.
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my arrival time at your birthday party will be 8.30-esque dude. it will bear several similarities to 8.30.
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someone inside this tunnel calling my name softly. gonna go in and check out what's up 👍
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donkey kong being a villain in industrial settings and a hero in jungle settings is a perfect illustration of what the unabomber was talking about.
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snow leopard. perfect name for them. tells me what they look like and which element they wield.
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honey do you need this extra tv? i'm going to hang it on the balcony to spread pro-esperanto messages featuring my buddies. pro-esperanto, yeah. with my buddies i said. on the balcony
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a jurassic park scenario is every dinosaur park owner's worst nightmare.
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me: what a lovely day! even the flowers are singing! .flowers (singing): the sins of our forefathers bind us to the dirt.
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no country for old men is a laugh-out-loud, triumphant romp through the american southwest, if you assume anton chigurh is the hero and his actions are righteous. which i do. and also if you replace the soundtrack with something else.
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@Rezuaq it's an efficient model. make it one guy's problem and then take him out. boom problem solved.
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it's a busy day at the skate park but everyone stops what they're doing as i climb to the top of the half pipe with my board under my arm. i solemnly adjust the straps on my helmet and place the board on the edge. as i'm about to drop in a huge bird flies into my dick, killing me.
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the thousand injuries of fortunato i had borne as i best could, but when he ventured upon insult i vowed revenge http://t.co/gIHCBBiVdt.
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imagine if mr bean put on the mask from the mask. i actually don't even want to imagine this.
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first nap you had after waking up from a coma would be a nail biter. you'd be wondering.
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moby dick is a great reminder that hunting a rare whale can be challenging at times.
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let's get one thing clear. im not here to look at your jpgs. i'm not here to learn your username or understand your opinions. i'm here to read the time stamps of your tweets to make sure i'm progressing forwards in time.
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if a show wins best writing but doesn't win best show it means the actors fucked up.
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i met the queer eye guys and they hired me. i'm gonna be the sixth one and whenever they do a makeover i will be the one to go through the guy's steam library and tell him which games suck.
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you have gained my attention, merchant. produce the item. i will judge it for myself
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Hey fellas. first time in jail. I gotta ask: where is the exit.
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whenever one of my buddies gets some new garb we stand around chanting "don it. don it. don it" until he dons the garb.
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pennywise the clown taps into the deep rooted fear we all have that the clown who lives in our sewer turns out to be murderous.
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her lips were as red as hot dogs. her skin, as white as a slice of white bread. she'd been crying, and it made her eyes and cheeks as pink as a skinless hot dog.
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wow! just found out you don't have to eat the stick in the middle of the ice cream.
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women love it when you replace every board of a ship with a new board, raising philosophical questions about whether it remains the same ship.
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@rubyinnes twitter is supposed to be a place where like minded philosophers can share ideas and knowledge freely. i hope you change your attitude.
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when mother finds me in the butler's pantry with a fig biscuit in each hand when i had promised her i wouldn't eat any until after supper
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@StallmansBeard i showed this to my son and he said "that is not the creature's face, father".
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millennials are entering fewer sinister hedge mazes, putting the wizened fauns who plant and tend them under financial strain.
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classic rock fans absolutely owe it to themselves to check out led zeppelin.
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when he says "warm touching warm. reaching out. touching me, touching you" in sweet caroline. it's some shit koko the gorilla would say in sign language.
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if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you "where's the fire" you can just make up an address. they don't have a list of current fires.
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(eleanor rigby voice) lady doritos / crunch with your teeth with a drastic reduction in noise / not for the boys.
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hooking my dog's electric shock collar up to the dow jones so it goes off every time stocks fall by more than 0.5% to teach it about the economy.
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i'm imagining all the dead musicians jamming out together in heaven. it sounds like shit! there are too many of them singing. the voices sound bad together. terrible! glad they're dead so we don't have to hear it!.
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christmas is when jesus was born, and easter is when he died. in between is when he did various baby crimes bad enough to warrant capital punishment at 3 months old. very bad baby.
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"obviously, we have a lot of problems we need to address", i say, referring to one specific problem, which i created, alone.
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you can call any man named richard "dick" and they can't do anything about. incredible loophole. zero consequences. madness they haven't shut this down.
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archduke franz ferdinand was a nasty little thottie and he died from making it clap on instagram, starting world war 1.
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(confidently) no, that's a self-tolling bell. it tolls automatically, signifying nothing for the hearer. why.
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stopped to clean his star on the walk of fame. nothing but respect for my president.
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"i'm cutting down on plastic by using a reusable metal straw" are you mother fucker. i'm doing it by raising my drinking vessel to my lips.
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jeopardy question: it's the "dribbling sound" beloved by NBA fans everywhere. me: what is donk donk donk. sport noises for $800.
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something weird happens to the pumpkins around halloween time. their ghoulish expressions. it's almost frightening.
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Favorite tweet of your own?.
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nobody:.guys who just got halfway up mount everest and realised they forgot all their ropes: ah! the ropes.
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do you like the yellow bag, pig? yellow bag bitch? yellow motherfucker? buy a blue one. that's all you get
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insanely rich french guy who owns the palace of versailles and who will be killed by a league of assassins if he doesn't kill john wick: my budget for killing john wick tops out at $20 million.
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i am so fucking sick of people talking about no talent celebrities like otzi the ice man who are only famous for being mummified on the austrian-italian border around 5000 years ago.
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lots of people replying to this to say "he's nice and smol leave him alone". i don't care. i was there you weren't. the dickhead was fucked.
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kevin mccallister you have 24 hours to prepare your home. my name is john wick. and i am goign to fucking kill you.
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band names are fucking stupid. "me and my friends have a special name for when we hang out together. you have to call us the rolling stones" no i don't. fuck off.
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a lot of people saying they do this because they have inner peace. if you come near me i will take off my shirt and whip you with it.
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kiss guys: ok chaim witz. it's time to pick a cool rock name. you can pick any name. chaim: ok. i pick "gene simmons".
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pro tip: it's not just cicadas who can burrow out of the ground and scream for their whole lives and then die.
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the sistine chapel ceiling. very cool but as more of a "wall guy" i can't help but wonder how much cooler the painting would look if it was on the walls.
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some weird shit happens to water when i displace it. hard to describe but it basically gets taller.
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dude can you turn down the wifi. your wifi is too strong. it's my beliefs that your computer gets hurt if the wifi is up too high.
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there's probably so many cool vintage north face jackets in that one mount everest crevasse that everyone dies in. but the living may not get them. .
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(smirking while handing you a hard shell crab) have a big bite dude. of course it's a soft shell crab.
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you can't sell groceries you found or crafted back to the supermarket. that's one thing video games got wrong.
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dating tip: keep an eye out for small gems on the ground. a single ruby found on a restaurant floor can cover the cost of the entire date.
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if dracula was alive today he would probably have an "only fangs".
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here's what would be cool: if at the olympics the people on the podium got a saxophone hung around their neck instead of medal. that's what.
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the furby makes tortured noises because its beak is suited to eating seeds & nuts while its programming commands it eat flesh.
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it's insulting that a text document is like 170kb. text documents should be between 600mb-5gb, out of respect for the weighty ideas they contain.
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wow i can't believe taylor swift's new song is literally the dead kennedys song california uber alles and her only change to it is she says "i agree with this unironically" at the start.
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