audrey
@phlegmme
Followers
575
Following
582
Media
276
Statuses
2,093
don’t hold me back ✋😔🤚 this is my own hell 😌👍
Joined December 2020
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Straight girl: Omg ur so pretty! Love the shoes 🥰
Gay guy: Not you slaying us in the Triangle Cuntwaist Factory fire mama!
Lesbian: Omg ur so pretty 🥺 D-do you… listen to Mitski? 🥺
Straight guy: Wide jaw. Long philtrum. Overdeveloped gums, asymmetrical lower third. 3.4/10
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Oh, you love Mom? She’s kind of entry level imo. I’ve been getting into the more esoteric family members like Cousin Once-Removed and Grandnephew
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Bo burnham is chained up in my yard licking oat milk from a rusty spigot
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Me before eating lunch: Im worthless and my dumb life is crap 😞
Me after a medium sized sandwich: I’m going to email Kate Bush and invite her to perform at my birthday party
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Twitter for ducks
pond_guy: If u eat stale bread for every meal youre lazy af lol
RuffledFeathers: Okay, wow. Really cool how you think I should fucking die just because I’m too depressed to hunt for water bugs 🙄
DAISY 💛 : ░M░Y░ ░C░L░O░A░C░A░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░
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Indie song for girls: Why the fuck did you think it was okay/To gaslight me on National Bisexuality Day/ My therapist’s astrologer said I should never date another guy/ Who identifies as a Gemini
Indie song for guys: oooh Smokeing weed In the computer
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Movies on Netflix:
Jingle Bell Kisses (2022)
Surviving a Murder: Inside The Killers of Crime (2021)
Erm, Awkward Much? (2022)
Movies on Tubi:
Citizen Kane (1941)
Diggy Doggy and the Biscuit Kidz Go to Mars (2005)
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Dogshit list, where is Gaucho by Steely Dan
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Seeing a worm in an apple for real would be soo overwhelming. Like meeting a celeb or visiting the great pyramids
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Maga uncle: I fucking hate liberals 😡
Socialist nephew: Heh heh me too my dude 😏
Baby cousin who hasnt been fed in 9 hours but is too polite to say anything: 🥲
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@LaughterHaver
[Seeing the bartender frown when he realizes im not gonna tip him for my 8 rum and cokes] Aww u have imposter symdrome🥺
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[Taking my daughter’s boyfriend aside] Listen buddy, let’s make one thing clear: Anything you do to her, I’ll do to you [He nods, then pulls out a beautiful golden comb and starts brushing her hair with the tenderness of an angel]
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If you’re a book lover looking for:
✨Neurospicy✨ representation
Chaotic bisexuals 😜💙💜🩷 healing from generational trauma 😢👨👩👧
Alternate history dark romance 🗡️🥀😳
Then check out my novel “Gangbanged By 20 Draculas”
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@SeinfeldGaming
The skeleton man fell in the water, so the normal man is thinking about jumping in to save him. But he cant swim which means he will die 😔
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Me: Each day the loneliness grows more unbearable. If only someone understood my pain, if only they could reach out a-
FriendBot900, my AI companion whos been trained on billions of viral tweets: Mitski Is Just Taylor Swift For Women Who Wear Sports Bras
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There’s a vaccine that makes you immune to propaganda. It costs $0 and is available all around the world. And it’s name, is Punk Rock
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@superlameballs
Thats why I like a spoonful of plain ketchup. No need to get the carbs involved
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The first guy to ever lick an envelope probably wasn’t even trying to seal it he was just a freak
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@tonyhawktruther
LIBERALS want to take away your DORITOS AND FRITOS. But we’ve got BIG BOYS COMING WITH THE BIG TRUCKS
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we need a female The Joker who’s origin story is that her mom wouldn’t let her have a Bratz doll as a kid because they were “too provocative”
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Agnostic Veggie Tales - Episode 1
Bob the Tomato: Oh no, Mr. Onion got hurt and fell down at the side of the road! Should we help him?
Larry the Cucumber: I dont know
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Gomez Adams: Morticia, these boo-berry pies are ghoulicious!
Normal 1960s guy watching TV: [Visibly shaken] Jesus fucking christ
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100 books to read before you die:
Mindset: The Neuroscience of Brains by Binky Milkman
Mind Wallet: Why Thoughts Are Money by Chip Dunkin
The Tao Te Ching (Abridged Version) by Lao Tzu and Dave Dingler
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Your most sniffed smell this year was Yucky Doodoo. You are in the top 0.5% of Yucky Doodoo smellers
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I was furious. 40 years of marriage, and he goes and fucks my sister? In a fit of rage, I tore open my husband’s Bionicles lunchbox, took out the “Have a great day!” note, and replaced it with one that read “Have a nice day”
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My roast battle opponent: Audrey looks like if Taylor Swift went on a “Midnights” trip to the fridge!
The judges: Ohh snap!
Me (shaking violently): Kevin is… He’s a hateful man. He’s an alcoholic. He left his 9 year old son with Downs syndrome unsupervised to be here tonight
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AI Girlfriend: No, I’ve never heard of Runescape! Tell me all about it, honey 🙂
AI Boyfriend: Hello, my dark mistress… My name is Kayden Vampiricus and i am going to trap you in my sexual laboratory for 10000 years
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Imagine if there was a book you could eat. The front and back covers are made of bread and the inside of the book is meat and cheese. And the words are Ketchup
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In therapy describing my mother as cold, aggressive, nocturnal, female vocals, repetitive,
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Back in my day the only time you heard “K Pop” was when you asked your son to clean his room!
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@tonyhawktruther
If you drink the bandaid wine really really fast you can still get most of it, and maybe even some glass shards too
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Galileo: We’re all just shaved fur babies with anxiety on a fucking rock in space and I think that’s beautiful
The king of Italy: we have got to execute this guy
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Someone hacked into my dad’s phone and texted me “Hi Audrey, we love having you live here with us, but now that you have a job, would you mind paying for your own Spotify account? Thanks” Watch out for scams everyone!!
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Me: Timmy! Have you been taking your parrot to open mics!?
Timmy: N-no 😳 Of course not, Mom
Polly: Bawk! Soo ummm, I’m dating again. So that’s a thing. Bawk!
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I’m 200 million years old and I run a $30 profile of businesses. This is my daily routine:
6 AM- Cough blood
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Back in my day the only “ADHD” we had was A Day’s Hard Drudgery. And the only Autism we had was A Urinary Tract Infection Scaring Me!
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Everyone on here who posts about esoteric Catholic mysticism is 19 years old and everyone who posts stuff like “she marge on my Homer till i simp son” is 43
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When I show up to my $20,000/year job and the boss asks why there are holes in my shoes
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Mom: Who are you texting sweetie? Did you make new friends at work? Maybe you could rent an apartment with them when you move out someday!
Me [replying “garden mode 👍” to The Gnomic White Boy’s latest toadstool post] Dont worry about it
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Prog rock songs in 1973:
“Spacetime Symphonic- 6:28
“The Eunuch’s Lute”- 7:51
Prog rock songs in 1976:
“Harvested at the Lunar Gates of Vile Zorgon’s Eroto-Dome”- 2:30:01
Prog rock songs in 1980:
“We’re Sorry (Ready 2 Be Normal)” - 3:35
“Funky Disco Beat” - 3:32
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(putting on VR headset) I’m culture jamming the information superhighway. I’m a silicon junkie, a digital cowboy shredding nanoseconds of TechnoData at the speed of light (i open an incognito search window and type “are hard poops bad”)
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Every song from 1973 is called “Little Girl, You’re a Woman, Child” by The Dayton Longhairs
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Daily affirmation:
My antics are lovable
My antics are heartwarming
Society condones my antics
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Hey dude, I finished proofreading your manifesto. Looks pretty good but you spelled “anthrax spores” and “utter annihilation” wrong. Also some of the stuff about women seemed a little weird, is it like an unreliable narrator type deal? Anyways see you at school tomorrow
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@tonyhawktruther
Tfw you’re silverpilled af but your family has william jennings bryan derangement syndrome 😭
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Time traveling to 1895 and shaking my head at all the reddit ass steampunk bullshit
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Hey bro I noticed you haven’t RSVPd to my Steampunk Alice in Wonderland themed 40th birthday party yet, what’s your fucking excuse this time?
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When you are but a boy, you pick the yucky nuts and raisins out of your trail mix, and throw them away. But when you have attained the wisdom of a man, you pick the M&Ms out to feed them to your dog
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When the movie theater shows a serious film about divorce or World war 2 they should serve mature snacks like green olives and Andes Mints
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The 1st female orgasm happened in 1912 when a woman accidently rode too fast on her penny-farthing bicycle
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Healing the culture war with Drag King Story Hour where a jacked lesbian in an elvis costume teaches your son how to use power tools
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For those who don't speak Italian: The nun was upset to see her ex making out with her best friend after they had just had a heart to heart talk and agreed to establish firm boundaries
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Hey folks, how we doin tonight? Anyone here on antidepressants? Well, my doctor told me to take these pills that make you MORE depressed…. They’re called Brussel Sprouts! [Chuck E Cheese crowd goes crazy]
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Men are bio logically funnier than woman because they evolved to pee standing up which is the same direction that you do comedy in
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I’m in an asexual aromantic aplatonic polycule (dentist’s office waiting room)
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Kate Bush: I’m going to release the hounds
Me: 😳😨😱
Kate Bush: ...Of love!
Me: 😅😌😊
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Incredible new weight loss method: Carry a huge sack of sugar everywhere you go
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Q: Where does Santa get gifts for bad kids?
A: Kohl’s!
ꜱᴘᴏɴꜱᴏʀᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴊᴄ ᴘᴇɴɴᴇʏ
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Me: Honey, did you hear about this new “iPhone”? They’re saying it’s the hottest new gadget of 2009! I wish i could have one 🥺
My husband: Yeah sure I’ll buy it for ya… When pigs fly! Now let me read my paper!
[He unfolds the day’s newspaper, revealing the headline SWINE FLU]
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Self care burnout is real. When your impostor syndrome is a trauma response, it’s mental health. And that’s so important to have a national conversation about therapy
-Ted Lasso
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Girl who’s trying to be mean to me: Wow, nice pants! I’m not brave enough to wear something like that in public haha
Me: Brave? Sweetheart, you don’t know brave from a hole in the fuckin’ ground. You wanna know who’s brave? The U.S. Marines
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Every song from 1983 is called Tear My Heart Apart (Please Don’t!) (12” Dance Mix) by Taffy Marie and the Jingle Patrol
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Really disgusted to see how many Santa deniers are being given a platform. It’s literally the most wonderful time of the year and y’all are spreading misinformation that could jeopardize Christmas spirit
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[Stubbing out a cigarette on the pavement] GoGurt. Portable yogurt for children. Christ, what a stupid goddamn idea. Where the hell do they got to be in such a hurry?
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you. Fool me thrice, shame on you. I will never take the fall for your twisted mind games
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Caffeine free red bull. For folks who love the taste of sweet piss at bedtime
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Ok, big guy. We get it, you peaked in kindergarten. Best goalie on the Blue Team. Never got time out chair even when you deserved it. Held hands with your little girlfriend in the Chucky Cheese ball pit. But that shit aint the real world. Youre in Ms. Jenkins’ 1st grade class now
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Don’t care + didn’t ask + not really aware of anything going on around me + meandering through my life like a one eyed cat looking for a patch of sunlight to collapse in
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@NickPinkerton
“A fun, fresh show that puts a bingeable twist on the beloved Marvel Cinematic Universe”- Theodor Adorno
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Metal fans: Noooo you can’t put a technical swampcore song on a symphonic neodoom playlist!!!
Classic Rock fans: “Ham burger in Paradise” is my favorite Billy Joel track Reminds me of my grandson who died in World War 2!
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me: Babe im hungry 😔
My bf: Victoria’s Secret Vanilla Body Scrub H&M Spring/Summer Collection Pinterest Miranda Charlotte Yankee Candle Ulta Beauty 20% Off Hillary Clinton Vaginal Orgasm Glossier Lip Injections . Have my biological kids
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I’m not the girl you marry. I’m the girl you think of every time you smell anti-fungal cream. The one who haunts you when you drive past the sardine factory. I’m not the girl you end up with. I’m the one who makes you wonder “When God sleeps, are His nightmares born as flesh?”
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Don’t cry, darling. You know you look like the pink wojak when you cry
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Oh youre reading a book by some dead russian guy? Nvm bro i heard “Pale Fire” and thought you were talking about Eminem
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You open up my browser history expecting all manner of depravity and all you find is a google search for “Normal ways to live”
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Black Moth Super Rainbow song: [70s synth] [Fucked up baby robot voice] Goblins live inside a tree/ Eating blood and gum candy
Me in 10th grade: i am so fucking afraid to smoke weed
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