Parks and Rec D&D
@parksandrecdnd
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BEN [CUTAWAY]: “When I was really depressed, Leslie basically forced everyone to come and pretend to like D&D for an afternoon. It was overwhelming and a little patronizing… but I’ve been writing Autumn of the Empire for four years and I was not going to waste this chance.”
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LESLIE [CUTAWAY]: “I mean, he joined my musicals-only karaoke night. It’s not gonna hurt me to take an interest in his hobbies.”
[SCENE: BEN ENTERS WEARING A CAPE AND ELVEN EARS. HE SITS AT THE TABLE]
BEN: “Welcome to your imagination.”
LESIE [CUTAWAY]: “This might kill me.”
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JOAN: “Hi, I’m history making news woman, Joan Callamezzo. I’m here today with Ben Wyatt, who has been indoctrinating our local government into Dungeons & Dragons. Ben, for our viewers who may not be up to speed: Is Dungeons & Dragons a satanic ritual, weird sex thing, or both?”
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BEN: “Well, what kind of powers sound exciting?”
CHRIS: “That’s just it. I’ve already optimized my own dexterity, constitution, and intelligence. I am my power fantasy.”
BEN: “Okay… is there anything you would like to be?”
CHRIS: “… Gazelle.”
CHRIS [CUTAWAY]: “I’m a Druid!”
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APRIL: “My character is Helsia, Warlock Centaur. Worshipper of Loviatar, who drinks Death and Decay.”
BEN: “April, this is incredible. When did you write this?”
APRIL [CUTAWAY]: “It’s just a character I roleplayed on Twitter before most of the My Little Pony fandom blocked me.”
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BEN: "Great, Fighter it is! And what's your character's name?"
RON: "Ron."
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RON: “As our party is hungry, I will hunt a deer, kill it, and prepare venison.”
BEN: “Great, just give me a Survival roll.”
RON: “Absurd. All it takes is patience and a sharp edge. I have both. But if you insist…”
[RON ROLLS. HE STARES AT THE RESULT IN FURIOUS SILENCE.]
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DONNA [CUTAWAY]: “As soon as I heard Vin Diesel was into this stuff, I learned all of it. 5th edition. 4th. Pathfinder. Savage Worlds. As far as I’m concerned, you win D&D by becoming Dominic Toretto’s Elven Queen.”
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RON: "Why does my paper have so few proficiencies? Any worthwhile man would know at least half of these."
BEN: "Well, Ron, Fighters often don't have a formal education. If you want, you can be a Bard; Friend to all, student of the world...?"
RON: "... Fighter will be fine."
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CALLER: “Hi, Joan. First time caller. My question is for Ben. Are dragons real-“
BEN [Outburst]: “No!”
JOAN: “Let him finish.”
CALLER: “Thanks, Joan. Are dragons really only in Europe, or are there a few in America, too?”
[BEN LOOKS AT CAMERA]
CALLER: “Because my neighbor-“
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TOM: “My character’s name is Ja Rule. He’s a Tiefling Bard that was exiled from his homeland for the crime of having too much swagger.”
BEN: “You know what? Tieflings are normally depicted as outcasts, so I’m going to approve this one.”
[TOM SNAPS HIS FINGERS AND POINTS AT BEN]
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ANDY: “Yahtzee!”
APRIL: “Babe, no-“
ANDY: “And it was even harder than usual, because these dice are all wrong.”
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[CREDITS ROLL]
[RON STANDS AT THE OFFICE DOOR WITH AN ICE COOLER]
[DONNA WALKS BY, COFFEE IN HAND.]
DONNA: “Is that full of deer meat?”
RON: “Yup.”
DONNA: “Waiting for Ben?”
RON: “Yup.”
DONNA: “Don’t you think you might be-“
RON: “Yup.”
[RON PICKS UP COOLER AND LEAVES]
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RON [CUTAWAY]: "Leslie forced me into doing this for Ben by reminding me of the many times she's risked life and limb to protect me from my ex-wives. I considered just forging Ben an actual broadsword as my gift, but I'm not convinced he wouldn't hurt himself trying to lift it."
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