Arthur
@parker__farquer
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4,645
Following
899
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@NiallHarbison
I had a stroke last year and due to medications, etc, I hadn't been able to cry to my normal standard. Until Tina. When she died, all my dams burst. It was a huge release, and I am so grateful to her for that. Except for the three day headache afterwards.
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I think if my name was Carol and I had a friend called Carol and we were really attractive and we owned a hairdressing salon, I would call it Locks, Smocks, and Two Smoking Carols.
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Hello. My name is Charlie and I slipped out of my harness to take on a bulldog who tried to sniff my bottom.
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Trying to perfect my Liz Truss face. It's a work in progress. By the end of the day I'll be ready for public engagements.
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This is Leo. Our original godson and best friend of our other godson, Cusco.
On Tuesday, 7/12 /2022, Leo died peacefully. He had a wonderful life, and didn't suffer. We will miss him. 🧵
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Good morning. This is what my brother-in-law-in-law makes in his shed.
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At midnight, BST, Fergus Farqueharson is going to peacefully leave this world in his home, accompanied by a vet and Mr Farqueharson. No hugs needed, just, if you have one, raise a glass to a great cat. The trouper.
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You know when you get a little overexcitable on codeine and order a shower cap online?
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When you have a few drinks and you create a nativity scene from your brother-in-law-in-law's handmade robots.
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Today, for the first time since the Stroke Event™ I have walked up the 90 steps (86, but who's counting)at the end of Miami beach. Here I am looking as proud as anything.
Then I walked down the 90 darn 86 steps and had to sit at a table and wait for the violent nausea to pass.
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I have explored the pros and cons of tea and coffee. Here are my results:
COFFEE
1) Makes your braincells really big and probably turns you into a genius
2) Gives you energy and stuff
3) Tastes ok
TEA
1) Stains your cups
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I have thought of a fun thing to do if you're quarantined.
*clears throat *
RECREATE A WELL-KNOWN GIF
I will start the ball rolling with my rendition of the woman spitting her drink out.
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Mr Fq has just heard that his covid 19 test was negative. In fact, the nurse said he was normal. Obviously she doesn't know him, but he made a big thing of it, and flounced about the place shouting that he was normal.
So I've killed him.
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Hello. I'm not one to remember anniversaries of events, but I've accidentally remembered that two days ago was exactly two years since I had a stroke. AND I'M STILL ALIVE.
Just a bit numb and weird on my left side, BUT I'M STILL ALIVE.
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1. I'm not a racist but...
2. No offence, but...
3. I'm not being funny, but...
4. Doggo
5. Prolly
And more. Terribly sorry.
#ThingsPeopleSayThatAnnoyMe
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I am in a cubicle waiting for an MRI and wearing a glamorous backless gown. There is no wifi or mobile data so I'm sitting here taking selfies. Here's one. Not that you'll see it, until much later.
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Sometimes I think I will deactivate my account because Twitter's changed. Then I think it's up to me, and others who feel the same way, to continue to tweet regardless. Then I wonder why that man couldn't move his empty bins off his driveway without contacting Sefton Council and
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Mr Fq has just asked me to make a public announcement on Twitter.
MEN : DO NOT CHOP CHILLIES AND THEN GO TO THE TOILET
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This is interesting.
This is Banjo, the 10 year old miniature poodle who we're probably adopting.
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Leo the Dog is our overnight guest tonight. Here he is. Look.
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If Twitter disappeared, suddenly, and permanently, how would you feel?
(I am speaking from experience here - it just disappeared from my phone for 3 minutes, and I'm still taking sedatives)
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Anyway, it was Mr Fq's birthday yesterday and he was 436 years old.
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Christmas morning, Gold Coast, 5.05am.
This photo was taken at 4.50am, but it's now 5.07.
5.08am.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, TWITTER, FROM THE GOLD COAST AT 5.10AM! 🎅🎉
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Type "If I were PM, I would... " and let autocorrect do the rest.
Mine is "If I were PM, I would have to go to join the Twitter Menopause Support Group and get some feedback on how to make a difference"
MY AUTOCORRECT IS BRILLIANT
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I showed Mr Fq this lovely photo of me and Charlie The Chihuahua and suggested he use it as a screensaver. He didn't want to.
So I killed him.
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I'm doing one of those going out photos. And look, I have a fan already.
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Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling
Rawhiiiiiiiide
(one for the older Tweeters there. Not me though. No sirree Bob)
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Ever since I told Mr Fq that I can sing a lot of theme tunes from 70s and 80s American TV shows, he keeps randomly shouting titles at me to catch me out. He also breathes when he eats breakfast cereal.
So I've killed him.
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Would it bother you if Twitter didn't show how many followers you had or how many people you followed?
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Here's a fun thing to do now most of you have gone to bed. An audio/video thread of how you say scone. Only correct pronunciations (like mine) will be accepted.
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I took this photo today and then I made it black and white. Mr Fq said it looked apocalyptic, so I killed him, just in case.
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I once asked my father if I could call him by his first name because my friend Jill called her father by his.
He replied "Arthur, anyone can call me Peter, but only four people can call me Dad"
Inspirational Father's Day Tweet there.
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I was in the bath just before, dealing with my feet, when I was a little shocked to discover that my left foot felt weird.
Further investigation revealed that it was still in a sock.
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Anyway, yesterday I went all cutting edge at the optometrist and got some clear frame distance glasses like my grandparents used to wear in the 80s, and Mr Fq said I looked like a grandmother, then changed it to a 'sexy' grandmother so I killed him.
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How long have I got to take full advantage of my uncanny resemblance to Liz Truss?
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I miss the days on Twitter when people just argued about their favourite biscuits.
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Day 4 of Charlie the Demonic Chihuahua.
We were told he had only just begun to play with toys, and they didn't expect him to start playing with them for quite a while after moving in with us. He was playing on Day 2.
We were also told he didn't use dog beds.
Proud face
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So, as my follower count seems to be fairly stable at 4000, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you, my fluctuating followers, real and bots, for supporting my little account. Also, my family, my teachers who believed in me, yes I'm looking at you Mrs Brackenberry, Mr Fq,
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Look at him, playing with my jumper when he thinks I'm in the shower. The rascal.
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Oh! I've got over 3000 followers! And I think a percentage of them are real people.
I'd like to thank my family, my doctor, Mr Fq I suppose, food suppliers, insomnia, allpress coffee... etc, etc, and you. I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you.
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This is the proud, joyous, not done yet (sorry about that) face of someone who just SLEPT FOR SIX HOURS WITHOUT WAKING UP FOR SEVERAL HOURS IN THE MIDDLE.
It happens once or twice a year and I like to take a picture of it when it does.
Thanks for reading.
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I blame
@TakeAShite
for the fact that I now take photos of magazines in supermarkets.
And then buy the magazine so that I can find out all about people like Ray and the sock woman.
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It's very difficult to know which photos I was 20 in. It was only 9 years ago (glares), but times flies.
Anyway, I was definitely 20 in this one.
#MeAt20
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I should add that it can happen at any age. My specialists keep telling me that I'm freakishly young.
It's important you know that.
Thank you for reading.
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I don't want to alarm anyone, but according to a recorded message on my phone, there is a warrant out for my arrest.
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A Poem:
I fell upon the floor just now
And landed on my bottom
My coccyx hurts, which disconcerts
I don't know why we've got 'em
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Well. The oddest thing happened. I just bought this summery dress here, showed it to Mr Fq, and he said, "that looks GREAT"
IKR?
So, I will show it to you (mainly insomniacs) in full selfie mode - weird foot position and everything.
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It's occurred to me that I haven't yet told you that yesterday my neurologist called me YOUNG.
In context, "As you're YOUNG..." etc
Thank you for reading.
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For any of you off to the office today, here's a useful tip from Lucinda
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As Twitter dies a really really slow death, what are two things you have learned from your time here?
For me it's euphemisms and the fact that not everyone enjoys bananas.
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Here's an interesting story.
At 5pm today I picked up my car from its day of servicing.
Report : it's in perfect health and has obviously been driven brilliantly.
Flushed with success, I drove back triumphantly, and crashed into the side of the garage.
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Here it is. The official 30th birthday photograph of me with my part time dogs, Leo and Cusco.
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It's not every day that a salesman says to me, "given your husband's description of you a few days ago, you're not what I was expecting at all and you're far too lovely to be tied to a roof rack"
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Imagine if, instead of Walter, Mr and Mrs Mitty had called their son Callum.
Disaster.
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Anyway, I mixed up hotels and I think we're staying in a brothel.
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This is Charlie the Chihuahua (I have pointed him out). He woke me up at 12am and then 4.30am with his exploding bowel. I have lectured him about eating food he finds in hedges without showing us what it is first.
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ROAD TRIP
I just took this photo and I didn't use filters which shows that I am a brilliant photographer like Ansel Adams or someone like that.
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I GOT A KOOKABURRA IN FLIGHT! I'M LIKE ANNIE LEIBOVITZ OR SOMEONE LIKE THAT
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Wishing all of my beloved viewers a happy and healthy Christmas. Don't get too stressed, and eat all your sprouts 🤶xx
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I'm sorry to keep banging on about my chihuahua, but I was coughing in bed and he carried two chips which Mr Fq had just given him, and carefully deposited them, one by one, in front of me. I like to think he was trying to help.
Yes, he WAS.
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IT'S HERE! MY EPIC CHRISTMAS POEM.
If you can't find yourself in it, I'm sorry but I tried, and my phone has exploded.
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I'm very sorry because I try to be relentlessly polite at all times (see bio) but I keep seeing that Jacob Rees Mogg video and I feel a need to say that I find him, and have always found him, repulsive.
Beg pardon.
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