we went to his moms and I watched the way she made rice so I could make sure I was doing it “right” next time. Reader, he had never eaten rice that wasn’t Minute rice.
My husband complained for years that I “didn’t make rice correctly” and it drove me insane. I tried every way to prep it. Extra washes, extra soaking, longer and shorter cook times, longer and shorter grains, etc. nothing was “right.” FOR YEARS
@safialatif
My child is in the 10th percentile for weight. She’s always been considered small and “thin” for a baby. And her legs are chunky. This is barbaric
After having it happen to me one too many times, I’m going to start asserting my dominance by asking every old white man attorney who walks into the courtroom “Are you the court reporter?”
@emilykmay
Toddlers will terrorize you every minute of the day and then like randomly grab your hand and say they love you and you just forget about it
“Adults don’t ask their friends to pick them up from the airport” “adults don’t ask their friends to bring food to a party”
Y’all are some fake fucking friends. My friends could call me to pick them up from a bar at 2 AM and I’d roast them but I’d go.
Shoutout to the absolute Karen who shouted at me and my two year old for using a bubble machine in the common field area of my apartment complex. Who then was aghast when I told her she could fuck right off
Passing the bar is cool and everything but I’d argue that you really become a lawyer the day you spill coffee on a document that you really should not have spilled coffee on
Every popular clothing brand’s “wear to work” page is curated by a 19 year old intern who has never worked in an office in their entire life because why are there crop tops on this page 😭
Saw an ad for a lawyer position where they wanted 3-5 years legal experience but STILL required applicants to submit documentation of their class rank in law school. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 how embarrassing for the profession
I don’t think I’ll ever recover from the fact that “dad bods” are more socially acceptable than “mom bods” even though the mom LITERALLY GROWS THE BABY AND SQUISHES ALL HER ORGANS
What’s it called when you procrastinate by doing a task that’s still necessary and productive but not actually the more urgent task you should be doing? Asking for a friend
“He’s probably buying her some fruity little drink because she can’t shoot whisky” OR maybe because taking straight shots on a date is INSANE BEHAVIOR, Carrie
Idk what lawyer needs to hear this but filing a motion to compel less than a week after serving interrogatories is insane behavior, especially when you didn’t even attempt to get a status update over email/phone
Hey guys maybe instead of making law jobs the stress Olympics, we could instead use our collective power for advocacy to make meaningful change in the legal profession to improve our stress. Like idk establishing a 4 day work week or higher pay for PI/gov lawyers?? Just a thought
@WEschenbach
Do you think it HELPS your case that the man held for months with no charge or indictment was dying from cancer with no medical treatment?
Trying to convince my family member, who hasn’t paid for daycare in ~30 years, that $350/month + supplies is almost criminally cheap. Boomers have no idea what the state of the economy is.
Shoutout to the girl at CVS who gave me her number last night. Vanessa, I’m sure you are lovely but I am hetero. dunno if it was the pixie cut, the feminist tshirt, the doc martens, the fact that I was wearing my keys on a carabiner on my belt loop that made you think I was 💅 or
@DietCoke_Esq
One of my classmates was caught by a vigilante “to catch a predator” group trying to meet a 14 year old girl. He wore a law school shirt to the meeting which was broadcast on Facebook live. Now he’s a SoundCloud rapper
The “sexuality is a choice” crowd still existing in 2023 is wild af to me. I’m telling you right now that if you chose your sexual orientation there would not be a single straight woman on God’s green earth
@annetbyrd
@GeorgeJetsonII
@LizSzabo
I once helped an elderly woman in the grocery store checkout because she was short and putting back food for her but keeping her dog food. Broke my heart. I covered her little frozen meals for like $20. Best money I’ve ever spent
I know that i am my child’s safe space and that is why she expresses all her big feelings around me. HOWEVER, if she could feel just a tiny bit less safe
There is NOTHING WRONG with being a court reporter!!! There is something wrong with assuming every young woman in a suit in a courtroom is a court reporter. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk
After having it happen to me one too many times, I’m going to start asserting my dominance by asking every old white man attorney who walks into the courtroom “Are you the court reporter?”
@punished_cait
One time I pregamed a concert in college by drinking everclear mixed with koolaid and so basically I spent $100 on a concert ticket and have no memory of the concert
My fav pic of me and my dad is from my wedding. The photographer captured the exact moment he realized our dance was to a Bob Dylan song he sang around the house all the time. I didn’t tell him ahead of time
Work just informed us that an Italian food truck is posting up outside the office today. I’m wearing a white sweater. Do I risk it all on some ravioli?
Non-lawyer friend’s response to me bitching about incredibly annoying opposing counsel: “block him”
I have been laughing at the mental image of blocking OC for 15 minutes
@hellopignoli
@jackieaina
YESS! If there was any evidence that he had changed or felt bad at all it'd be a different story but he's still doing the same old same
@itsMatthewCook
When people asked me to cover up when I was nursing in public, I would hand them a blanket and say they were more than welcome to cover up so they didn’t have to see me
If you are charging $2k an hour to argue in front of the Supreme Court in favor of child labor, you are a shitty person. Full stop. A bad person. That’s it. That’s the take. I’ll tell you to your fucking face, too
It’s so weird to me that people brag about having unmedicated childbirth like it’s some kind of badge of honor. I, for one, would get another epidural right now if someone offered it to me. Shit was fabulous.
Women are not born with an innate ability to calm an infant. Parenting is a learned skill, and any messaging to the contrary perpetuates misogyny and weaponized incompetence. Women are just ✨forced to learn✨ because moms are still the default parent no matter what.
A newly-elected Oklahoma lawmaker wants to criminalize porn and sexting outside of marriage.
He also wants to end no-fault divorce, and supports “public shaming for those who are at fault in divorce.”
Meet Dusty Deevers:
@legally_madison
The most annoying opposing counsel is always the one terrible at their job who reminds you at every turn they’ve been practicing since before you were born
Someone is throwing some kind of party at the public playground near my place and me and my toddler walked up and one of the parents said “she can play here but she can’t eat” 🤨🤨🤨🤨
First of all she already ate and secondly we don’t need your permission to play here
My sister is frustrated because her first grader fights homework for an hour every day. My question is why the fuck do they give homework to first graders? Is 7 hours of school not enough???
@RawBeautyKristi
I did homeschool in 9th and half of 10th grade. It led to a lack of motivation, depression, and limited social interaction. I wouldn’t recommend it to others, at least not during teen years
@EcoSexuality
@kenklippenstein
I literally can’t get vaccines without dying in most cases. Not everyone who isn’t getting vaccinated is anti-science and doesn’t “deserve to mix” with people
@ayomjdee
@WillCrop
@SaeedDiCaprio
Brandon, I’m not going to drag you too hard because you look to be about 16 in your pfp but WHAT THE FUCK do you think a marriage is?
When my sister got her autism diagnosis as an adult, my dad (who can’t go anywhere without shoes and literally does not remove them until the second he is laying down for bed) said “where could that have come from?”
In law school I had a professor who insisted everyone call him Professor Dan which quickly turned into Lieutenant Dan behind his back. Guess who accidentally said it to his face one time? ✋🏻
Be careful with nicknames. Once had an adverse party who claimed to hold an officer rank in a foreign military. Co-counsel colloquially referred to him internally as Colonel Mustard. Which was kinda funny until she accidentally said it during a hearing. The court was NOT amused.