Raymz 🕶️
@nraymz
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“Toute nation a le gouvernement qu'elle mérite.” @Sorrowscopes contributor. A very good boy
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Pinned Tweet
any of you speak German who can translate this for me
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Both my grandfathers died fighting wars. I went out last night in skinny jeans and pulled it off. What I'm saying is, we are all heroes.
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Here’s a lovely picture of the staff of
@Sorrowscopes
hard at work on their latest batch
#FF
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
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Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man
The wretched creature lumbered slowly, painfully to the stage, his legs trembling under the nearly unbearable weight of hundreds of high-carbon steel piano wires and all those ivory keys and began to wail an awful tune of misery
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BODY: We’re tired, let’s go to sleep
BRAIN: Okay, but first let’s recall everything we’ve ever said to anyone and imagine how it might’ve been interpreted differently than we intended
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I'm a Democrat. I was honorably discharged as a SAR Sr. Airman with the 58th Rescue Squadron of the 23rd Wing, Air Combat Command. Fuck you
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"No GMO foods for MY family." She said as she walked her pet wolf that had been bred to have four inch long legs and respiratory problems
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Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am, reliving a terrifying childhood trauma under hypnosis
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@MavenofHonor
in 2012(?), i walked past Jon Lovitz on my way into a local sushi joint on all-you-can-eat night. i said ,”hi Jon, nice to see you.” he replied, “oh thank you!” exactly like he used to when he was in one of his characters on SNL. i felt like i’d been blessed by the Pope
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@MarcusTheToken
@PlanetFitness
I’m sorry this happened, bud. I have to say that you handled that a thousand times better than I would have even though it makes me deeply sad and furiously angry that you had to “handle” it at all. That woman and everyone in this country like her can go straight to hell
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the replies earnestly telling me what the headline means are draining the life from me. it’s a joke, people, i know what it means because it’s basically english with a german accent, but thank you very much for your concern
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How does anybody let themselves get attacked by a shark can't they hear the music
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quit fuckin around, guys, and just make her the nominee okay
For me, this fight is personal. From
#UniversalChildCare
to free public college, I’ve got plans to level the playing field for working families. With
@iowademocrats
and grassroots supporters across the country, we’ll turn those plans into big, structural change.
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[pushes all the elevator buttons]
You guys wanna see me do some karate
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hey, what if—just hear me out—what if we put the needs of the many ahead of the selfish interests of the few and also stopped giving political power to literally the shittiest and most venal people among us
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A Slim Jim is an ideal snack when you've got a craving for a savory extension cord.
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every photo of Ron DeSantis looks like you just asked him to solve a word problem like “a thermos keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold. how does it know the difference”
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when you try to defend Feinstein but instead make the case for getting rid of the senate altogether lol
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Guys, Maggie Haberman sucks at her job. She’s a glorified gossip columnist, compromised by her desperation for access to the criminals and incompetents she’s supposed to be reporting on and not sucking up to for inconsequential “scoops.” Pay no attention to her. She SUCKS
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Dying from black lung to own the libs
The EPA says that Trump's rollback of coal regulations will result in "between 470 and 1,400 premature deaths annually by 2030" and "48,000 new cases of exacerbated asthma and at least 21,000 new missed days of school annually by 2030."
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@MarcusTheToken
@PlanetFitness
Moms are the best of humanity and yours was among the best of the best
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"America is the greatest country on earth that sucks and has to be made great again." Republicans
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every photo of Ron DeSantis looks like you just asked him to solve a word problem like “a thermos keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold. how does it know the difference”
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Racist ingredients, shitty pizza™
Papa John’s CEO thinks black athletes are hurting pizza sales by demanding civil rights
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Hugo 👏🏽 Boss 👏🏽 designed 👏🏽 and 👏🏽 produced 👏🏽 the 👏🏽 uniforms 👏🏽 of 👏🏽 the 👏🏽 SS 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Fascism 👏🏽 and 👏🏽 capitalism 👏🏽 are 👏🏽 inherently 👏🏽 incompatible 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
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I keep hard salami, pecorino cheese and a bottle of Montepulciano d’Abruzzo under my bed in case George Clooney tries to break in
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just filed my petition for certiorari to overturn the result of game of checkers I so called “lost” last night but which I actually won big
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Maybe commenting on who does or doesn't have "class" is not the right move for you right now, goombah
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the answer to the question: what if you made John Wick but without guns
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politically I consider myself a libertarian. if you’re unfamiliar with the term, it means that I have a simplistic, infantile understanding of how the world works, but I make up for it by having an arrogant and ridiculously overconfident opinion of my intellectual abilities
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My Seven-Layer Dip Recipe:
1. Refried beans
2. Guacamole
3. Denial
4. Anger
5. Bargaining
6. Depression
7. Acceptance
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i have spiked the punch with a toxin that will cause skin lesions that’ll appear either pink or blue depending on what we’re having. relax, poison control is standing by. in the meantime, quick, everybody grab a mirror
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[
@longwall26
voice]
If Obama had ever "deputized" Michelle as head of state, white people would have burned this country to the ground
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I've been on this website, in one form or another, for over 8 years and one of the things I'm proudest of is that not even for single minute did I ever follow Michael Ian Black
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some day, when people ask me about the year 2020, rather than all of the awfulness this year has seen, i will remember
@mneelzy
, smile and say, “yeah, that was pretty cool”
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Oh your dad is your hero and you love him? Name three of his albums.
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MOVIE IDEA: rich guy dies and leaves everything to his golden retriever. Title: Heir Bud.
Please don't leave me, this all I have.
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Best part of this election has been the easy to follow Guide To People With Whom I No Longer Want To Be Friends.
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The most dangerous animal in the world is a shark riding a lion tattooed on the chest of a lonely white guy with a tiny dick carrying a gun.
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it used to be that you ran, you lost, and then you went back to your day job selling Buicks or killing termites. now, you lose and you go on an extended sore loser tour of being laughed out of courtrooms
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like a gender reveal gone horribly wrong, today’s
@Sorrowscopes
have resulted in injuries to many. enjoy
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I miss getting mad over normal things, like season two of True Detective being bad
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raise your hand if you’d rather have Joe Pesci’s character from My Cousin Vinny defend you in literally any criminal proceeding in any jurisdiction on the face of the earth than Rudy Giuliani
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oh, that's understandable, since SHE WAS BREAKING INTO HIS HOUSE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT
BREAKING: Investigator: Dallas police officer said she gave "verbal commands" that neighbor ignored before she fatally shot him.
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it has suddenly occurred to me that everything, literally everything, is going to suck forever from now on
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Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at feminism please help me budget this. my curvy wife is dying
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Headphones or no, don't talk to anyone you don't know unless you're introduced by someone who knows you both. This isn't that hard, guys.
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Like Trump, DeSantis today commits to "take action to end the idea the children of illegal aliens are entitled to birthright citizenship if they are born in the US." Bob Dole as nominee in '96 publicly repudiated that idea when GOP platform endorsed it. Now it's Trump's party.
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[watching you blot the grease off your pizza slice]
You gonna eat that... the napkin I mean
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Oh hey, here's one that hasn't been done before: Chick-fil-Atio hahahahaha please don't tell my mother I'm on here, she hits me
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The real and non-racist explanation for why crime is now so low in NYC is because there’s been three different Spider-mans kicking ass there for like the last fifteen years
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@Rschooley
he wasn’t born, he built in a lab at Liberty University with a grant from the Heritage Foundation
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"Act normal"
"We can't just walk off the plane and hope nobody notices a dead stewardess stuffed into an overhead compartment"
"Trust me"
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Love to sabotage my own show with racist bullshit and put cast mates and crew out of work to savagely own the libs
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in a rare show of bipartisanship, sad and lonely people have joined together to endorse today’s batch of
@Sorrowscopes
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ten years ago we had bob hope, steve jobs and johnny cash now we have no meatloaf
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“The husband killed his wife” - me spoiling every episode of Dateline ever
cc:
@JoshMankiewicz
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jfc, the dude literally copy pasted nbc’s tweet and the link to their article with ZERO value add instead of just hitting retweet to boost his own engagement numbers. what an asshole
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I can't even imagine the engineering and aeronautical challenges involved in actually piloting a stone temple
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@CalmTomb
@behindyourback
@MarkAgee
@BillCorbett
@InternetHippo
"Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is unrealistic expectations"
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