pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets”
@pixelatedboat
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Playboy Magazine’s 8th funniest Twitter account of 2015. Read my comics on IG . Mostly posting on bluesky now.
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日本破壊クソメガネ
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tfw you find out you would have to pay $100 million if you fired the guy you just fired
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Just as Elon Musk predicted, now that he’s a Republican his political enemies are smearing him by making him pay $250,000 four years ago to settle a sexual misconduct claim
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GTA 3, Britney is free, the Taliban are running Afghanistan again … 2001 is back baby
BREAKING: A Grand Theft Auto remastered trilogy is on the way with Unreal Engine remasters of GTA 3, Vice City, and San Andreas, according to a new report.
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My goal is to be the first person found dead inside one of these
Scientists create Liquid Trees; a tank full of water and micro-algae that could be an alternative to trees in urban areas.
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Really think this is the year that I’m finally gonna win the New Yorker caption contest
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Wow, this extract from Wolff’s book is a shocking insight into Trump’s mind:
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All Prince Andrew had to do his whole life was nothing, and he still managed to completely fuck it up. Inspirational
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Sad day. Rejected from Harvard just because I started my application letter with “What up you chowder-eating fucks” ☹️
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It’s working. I really think we can all bully him into selling the company again
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It’s wild that climate change is completely solvable, except that everyone in a position to solve it is an asshole
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It shows just how infectious the Omicron variant is that the Queen still caught it despite taking every precaution possible, including dying six months ago
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With the collapse of crypto, hoarders of digital apes look like fools, while those of us who have been hoarding physical apes, previously scorned, now look like geniuses
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The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
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Herman Melville’s “Moby Dick” has perhaps the most memorable opening line in all of Western literature: “I hope you motherfuckers like reading about whales”
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I’m gonna say it: Sunday is two days after Friday, not three. Christians really fucked that one up
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We forced an AI to watch every Benedict Cumberbatch movie then write its own
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Neil deGrasse Tyson hasn’t posted about the start of the New Year being arbitrary and cosmically meaningless so he must’ve gotten laid tonight
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I’ve never watched Black Mirror but here’s what I imagine the show is like
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It’s weird how all these people who paid thousands of dollars for a drawing of a monkey keep getting scammed
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SO HEARTWARMING! When this little boy’s family couldn’t afford lifesaving surgery his local Home Depot gave him a free shovel and drove him out to the desert to dig his own grave
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It’s weird how so many of Elon Musk’s inventions (cars with no door handles, single-lane tunnels with no emergency vehicle access, child-size submarines) are about creating ways for people to die in enclosed spaces
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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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Elon bargained him down to Elon paying $8
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I don’t speak Portuguese, could someone translate this headline for me???
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Wow this Vice article is pretty controversial!!!!!!
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Good news! Twitter has already replaced that stupid new circle character counter:
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In many ways, Batman has in fact tried to impede the success of the Joker
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AOC: Mr Zuckerberg, is it true that computers are for nerds?
Zuckerberg (crying): ... yes
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Oh you think it’s bad we cut power to all those incubators? Well what if I told you those premature babies were dreaming about Hitler
The Israeli president holds up a copy of Mein Kampf containing post-it notes, claiming it was found on a body 'in a children's living room' in northern Gaza.
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SNL pays tribute to Ruth Bader Ginsberg by stubbornly continuing to make the show years after they logically should’ve quit
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I'm reading Hillary's book and it gives me a new appreciation of how hard she fought to win the election:
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Her name sounds like a Sonic the Hedgehog sidekick
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The wild thing about the biggest fans of capitalism is they have absolutely no idea how capitalism works
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This is the ultimate version of Trump: tweeting constantly while out of his mind on drugs and no one can take the phone from him because he’s a biohazard
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It’s kind of crazy that it took thousands of years for literature to be any good but cartoons absolutely whipped ass a few decades after being invented
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“The Hague won’t stop us” says guy not doing a genocide
We will restore security to both the south and the north. Nobody will stop us – not The Hague, not the axis of evil and not anybody else.
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Damn they nailed it with this tagline
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What a touching acceptance speech from Guillermo del Toro!
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I hear there’s a “joker” currently in movie theatres - it’s whoever sets the prices of the popcorn and beverages!!!!
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Gotta say the internet was better before we traded all the cool websites for a shitty calendar/messaging app that turns your grandma into a white nationalist
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Holy shit, ALL the secrets are coming out in this interview 😮
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Starting April 15th, only dogshit content from bootlicking freaks will be eligible to be in For You recommendations
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Legal experts will tell you it’s difficult to get the death penalty in a civil trial, but I really think Alex Jones can pull it off here
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Senator Sanders, your plan to end the kicking dogs to death industry would put thousands of dog kickers out of work. My question to you is, how can you live with yourself, you fucking piece of shit?
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Ben Shapiro cumming and immediately calling an ambulance
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lol I can’t believe they spent $90 million on this movie and no one pointed out there’s a typo in the title 😂
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Well well well, the mask finally slips
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I think this might’ve been where Bernie lost their endorsement
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Imagine you were dumb enough to think you could send a memo to your coworkers saying they were genetically inferior to you and not get fired
Imagine your company spent $250 million on programs that assumed Santa Claus is real.
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Thank god, Zuckerberg has finally addressed the data breach:
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BREAKING: Prosecutors allege that Rodney Dangerfield committed fraud to enroll in college at age 65
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Trump: *gives thumbs up*
Aide: Mr. President, this is a Holocaust memorial
Trump: *respectfully rotates thumb 180 degrees*
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Me (podcast host): You’re listening to StabTown, a podcast about stabbings. You know what’s better than being stabbed? Buying a mattress from the internet
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My relationship with Big wasn’t the only thing I blew up that day. At the Trinity test site I detonated the first plutonium bomb, unleashing a 22 kiloton blast. Had I become Death, destroyer of worlds? Meanwhile uptown, Samantha had her hands full with her own “Manhattan project”
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I’m no political strategy genius, but this would probably be a good time for Joe Biden supporters to think of some reasons why Joe Biden is good
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I am begging you to learn how a camera works
It’s a miracle … In only 3 weeks, John Fetterman got a total head replacement.
Man, he has some good doctors.
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I don’t care what the libs say, this amendment is beautiful and must NEVER be changed
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Finally watching Hamilton. This is what everyone was so excited about???
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I can’t believe Taylor Swift put this song on her new album. Disgusting and irresponsible.
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Eight seasons of buildup was worth it just for this moment!
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It’s unfair to harshly judge Wonder Woman 1984 since the pandemic has robbed us of the ability to watch superhero movies the way they were meant to be watched: on a plane 18 months after the movie came out
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If they made The Sopranos in today’s woke society it would be about Tony Soprano going to therapy
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You’d be fine today, Brian, you had a gay lead singer and a drummer who wrote a song about fucking a car
Brian May blasts Brit Awards for adopting gender-neutral categories, says Queen would not be woke enough today: "We would have to have a trans person"
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Sure, this will wreck twitter’s relationship with brands that formerly advertised on it, but on the other hand it could make the company upwards of $300
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Kamala Harris: I smoked weed in college while listening to *looks at writing on hand* lo-fi hip hop beats to study/relax to
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I don’t know why people think this tweet is suspicious. Seems fine.
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In hindsight, maybe it was a mistake for America to pick a legal system that depends on particular old people dying at the right time
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The first thing they teach you at business school is to make a bunch of dumb decisions then immediately walk them back when everyone screams at you
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