SWAGzar
@noxcturnes
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🔞 Genshin-kavetham 🏛️🌱 on the brain | mobhaitham noncon, whump enjoyer | 🔞 pfp and header by @t3ru__ | HSR acc 🦁⚔️( @duelgong )
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Alhaitham being canonically lazy has got to be one of the funniest gap moes hyv has ever pulled bc they threw him into the archon quest putting in the WORK for all three arcs and then HYV turned around and was like “yeah that was OOC of him. He’s usually just napping at his desk”
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Alhaitham’s “not many people know who he is” vs Kaveh “renowned” “famous architect” made me realise that everyone being shocked that he’s roommates with Alhaitham is because they’re surprised Kaveh is living with just some guy. Like if I told you Da Vinci was roommates with Steve
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Alhaitham: I believe in work life balance
Ayato: ?
Ganyu: ??
Jean: ???
Alhaitham: it’s what it’s called when you go home at the end of the day even if your work is not done
Jean: end of the day…I see, so midnight?
Alhaitham: …some of you are beyond salvation
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Do u realise how unhinged it is that Alhaitham asked Kaveh “no where were YOU when Sumeru needed you most” Kaveh literally JUST GOT HERE. TRAVELER DOESNT EVEN KNOW HIS NAME YET. And Alhaitham is acting like like Kaveh is part of the fucking Avengers of Sumeru 😭😭
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Alhaitham who prefers to be difficult to find and Cyno who works alone and Tighnari who doesn’t like the loud city and Kaveh…who we don’t know enough about yet. But these characters all have their reasons to be alone, are together enjoying each others’ company. It’s very sweet
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SOME OF U DIDNT KNOW ALHAITHAM USED TO HAVE A FLYING SPLIT KICK!?!?
mourning that Alhaitham’s N5 flying split kick got nerfed into a 90 degree kick. Hyv why huh he’s a Spread dps let him spread
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I’ve been so biased by how important Alhaitham was in the archon quest that I didn’t think that he might be unknown in Sumeru and it’s funny in hindsight that the Archon quest was pulled off by Two Public Servants, A Lesbian Mercenary and A Performer They Roped In Off The Street
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His mind is so brilliant but his biggest ambition in life is to get a job where he can nap after lunch every day
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Idk how to explain it properly but Dr Ratio’s personality is what Alhaitham is like in Kaveh’s POV
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Alhaitham, muttering to himself in the mirror after he was bullied into being the Acting Grand Sage: “you WILL beat the overworked waifu allegations. You WILL NOT catch yourself going home any later than 6:15 you are a scholar and NOT an overworked waifu you can do this”
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I am SO normal about his little expression of surprise I am NOT thinking unholy thoughts because of it
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all these fake leaks about Kaveh are really giving us the immersive experience of being a Sumeru citizen gossiping about the fabulous Mr Kaveh Renowned Architect of the Palace of Alcazarzaray
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genshin at every possible opportunity: have you heard about Kaveh. Yes Mr. Kaveh the famed Architectural Designer. The Renowned Creator of the Palace of Alcazarzaray. With an understanding of Sumeru’s True Wisdom. The Light of Kshahrewar. Yes that Kaveh. He has a briefcase now.
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Alhaitham lives a 31 minute walk from work and I measured this because I’m so normal and have a casual amount of interest in him
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Kaveh is so pretty but then u hear him talk and he’s the Gordon Ramsey of architecture 😭 like “aw why yes this tile design would definitely be suitable IF I WAS BUILDING A FUCKING FUNERAL PARLOUR.”
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kavetham alpha x alpha crack AU where (they are not dating) (just no homo idiots) haitham is trying his hardest to convince Kaveh to bitch him into an omega bc omegas get 7 days of paid leave each month for their heats and alphas DONT
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So does Haitham’s ass have the most polygons of any tall male ass in game??? has he taken the most ass-full title from Kaeya??? After all Kaeya’s lost????? His family his civilisation his will to live even his Best Ass crown is gone???????
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Alhaitham took the role of scribe bc it’s EASY!?!?? AND THEN HE KEPT THE GRAND SAGE SALARY EVEN AFTER HE RETIRED FROM THE POSITION? Dude is living the idea life of less work for more pay How Does He Keep Winning
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every time I see haitham I am struck by the feeling that I am lusting after someone else’s wife
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and when the day comes that Alhaitham and Kaveh run out of excuses for living together (Kaveh’s debt has been cleared for months now…if anything he’s richer than Haitham after his latest commission) and Haitham, in a fit of anger, tells Kaveh to move out and he Does. What then.
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the omegaverse dynamic where the alpha is like “nooooooo but what if I hurt youuuuu!? I’ll hold myself back, let’s go slow” and the omega is like “I love you but if you are not in me in the next 30 seconds, I’m going to burn down your house.”
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#kavetham
Kaveh succeeded and Haitham has to awkwardly reprint his own marriage certificate (technically illegal) during work hours
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What the fuck is the gem on Alhaitham’s chest for when will hyv explain THAT. does he just stick it on every morning?? Just to draw attention to his chest???? you don’t need to do that Mr Scribe, I am ALREADY looking at ur boobs
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genshin leaks
its so interesting how Kaveh’s lines show he’s more somber and contemplative and less naive than the other charms believe he is. He’s someone willing to suffer for his dreams but he also gets…tired sometimes…of how the magnitude of his dreams can become so heavy
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Haitham accidentally drinks a truth serum and absolutely nobody notices any difference bc he’s always a blunt bastard…that is until he gets into his Daily Argument With Kaveh…
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I am quite literally obsessed with how Alhaitham’s hand moves after his charged attack
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EVERY DAY. I AM SIMPLY STRUCK BY HOW FUNNILY HES BUILT. I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT
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The concept behind Alhaitham is so funny they were just like “what if we made a guy that sucked…but listen…make him SO gorgeous”
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my hot take is that maths passwords don’t scare me. they’re kavehcore. U know what does scare me? imagine if the passwords were haithamcore. “To access this nsfw submit a 4,000 essay on the use of the present perfect tense after conjunction clauses.” Fuck it id become celibate
Kavetham artist stop making math password for p0rn challenge, failed
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It drives me CRAZY that Kaveh once considered Haitham a FRIEND. Not just a classmate. A FRIEND. A. FRIEND. And then to lose that friendship so badly that Kaveh won’t speak to Haitham to tell him that he’s giving up his half of the house. Just how much hurt is there between them…
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from memory of the description of a furnishing, Al Haitham has beautiful calligraphy, and his job involves recreating + restoring ancient scriptures to study them so actual smudge guards
thinking about how haitham’s gloves are cut like artist gloves …
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A thread of silly kavetham sex hcs. Haitham often teases Kaveh about how after the first time they had sex, Haitham held his hand out for Kaveh to pass him a towel to clean up but Kaveh, completely misunderstood the gesture and awkwardly shook Haitham’s hand instead.
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i think if kaveh ever met Haitham’s grandma he’d gently grip her by the shoulders and wail “how did u let him become like THIS”. But granny is confused bc what does Kaveh mean? Haitham is a sweet wonderfully inquisitive boy her perfect grandson
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now that we know alhaitham is So Normal it makes Kaveh’s suspicion of him at the end of the Archon Quest much funnier. Alhaitham is just some guy who does secretarial and archival work and Kaveh is like “I think you overthrew the government for your own personal gain” 😭😭
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Haitham’s noise cancelling headphones and how kavetham uses them in their sex life for sensory deprivation so Haitham is blindfolded deafened and tied up at the mercy of Kaveh’s feather light touches that he ghosts over Haitham’s tense, sensitive body
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tbh I hope hyv doesn’t go with “kaveh is ashamed of his debt” and that’s why he wants to hide that he lives with haitham route. Bc that would imply Kaveh thinks poverty is a shameful thing, and I don’t think he looks down upon people who are poor and wanting for charity
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Honestly Alhaitham’s design has SO many red herrings for his connections to various Big Lore Things in Sumeru that i defs think Hyv wanted him to be someone Pivotal…but then they decided it was much funnier to just make him Some Guy. And they were right. He’s perfect like this
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Alhaitham’s birthday letter straight up seems like Nahida forced him to send one but didn’t force him to make it about his birthday and so he just did the bare minimum again to satisfy the requirements of the task and called it a day
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Also imagine
Diluc: where were you when mondstadt needed you most
Albedo, fresh out of 18 hours in the lab: what
Ayaka: where were you when Inazuma needed you most?
Itto: jail.
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I think Alhaitham is entirely unaware of his own attractiveness but somehow manages to weaponise it whereas Kaveh IS aware of his attractiveness but incapable of weaponising it in any way
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Who would win: Alhaitham’s “you make it sound like I overthrew Azar for my personal gain” vs Zhongli’s “you make it sound like I’m some sort of trivia providing bourgeois parasite”
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Haitham’s “do we look like friends” and Kaveh’s “friends? We used to be. But we’re not anymore” just seems like to me that neither of them want to be the one to take the first step to repairing their friendship even though both of them are clearly waiting for Something to change
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This is not a fucking shirt at this point I swear he just spray paints himself and goes to work tits out no cares in the world I hate him so much
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Haitham is the stereotype of the home schooled kid who falls in love and marries the first boy he meets outside of homeschooling except he met Kaveh, fucking Sumeru’s P4rk J¡m¡n and ended up in a wattpad plot without realising it 😭😭😭
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Don’t let Alhaitham’s personality distract you from the important things like how he’s so flexible he can do a flying split kick
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Alhaitham’s idea of a celebration is legit just napping in the dappled sunlight he is so cat coded
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my fondest kavetham sex hc is that haitham is a massive brat, annoying Kaveh hoping that Kaveh snaps and fucks him with the perfect amount of loving roughness
Except it only works like 21% of the time. 79% of the time Kaveh gets genuinely annoyed and now isn’t horny he’s too Mad
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Haitham is a pillow princess in kavetham and in this essay I will—
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so fucking funny that hyv made him lazy and then did THIS to him in the AQ: made him fight an Eremite, the General Mahamatra AND get knocked out. I think Alhaitham deserves a year of paid leave
Alhaitham being canonically lazy has got to be one of the funniest gap moes hyv has ever pulled bc they threw him into the archon quest putting in the WORK for all three arcs and then HYV turned around and was like “yeah that was OOC of him. He’s usually just napping at his desk”
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THE WAY HIS FRINGE BOUNCES IT BOUNCES IT BOING BOING IT BOUNCES
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genshin leaks
kaveh swings his claymore like an ethnic mom talking on the phone while multitasking 😭😭😭 he’s walking around like “yes the client meeting is now on Thursday [LOUD SOUNDS OF VIOLENCE] ignore the background noise, I’m commuting, I’ll have the first draft by…”
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I feel like Kaveh sleeps 4 hours but is entirely refreshed whereas Haitham sleeps 9 hours, and takes much cajoling, two cups of coffee and Kaveh yanking the blanket off him and leaving him shivering in the cold morning air, just to wake up and not be an awful grouch about it
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kavetham are just two virgins with crazy stupid amounts of sexual tension like
Kaveh: you should be addicted to shutting the fuck up
Haitham: you wanna fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid
***neither of them know what sex is***
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Haitham’s vision story is going to be boring like “young Al-Haitham fell asleep whilst reading a stack of Amurta textbooks and was rudely awoken by the glow of a Vision, recognising his drive for knowledge in an uncertain world.” he’s the most boring man in Teyvat I love him sm
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kavetham a/b/o where many ppl think alhaitham is an alpha simply bc there’s always the warm alpha scent of sun baked earth wafting around him but it’s just that Kaveh is incredibly possessive and will wrap his scent around Hthm like a bear hug. And no. They’re not dating yet.
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mourning that Alhaitham’s N5 flying split kick got nerfed into a 90 degree kick. Hyv why huh he’s a Spread dps let him spread
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a/b/o kavetham thoughts…omega Haitham was living disguised as an alpha but now, living with Kaveh, the proximity to an actual alpha throws Hthm. into a heat. After a decade of suppressing them, his heat scent is intoxicatingly strong, stronger perhaps than Kaveh’s restraint…
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I love Kaveh’s two toned eyes. He looks so sweet and cute with the dark upper part of his irises visible and so handsome with just the lighter strawberry pink bottom half of his irises
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see yes Kaveh is the Sun and brings excitement and vibrancy to Haitham’s life and Haitham? He is the Moon…calm but not tepid, he makes Kaveh see the beauty in stillness, the compassion in caution. If Kaveh teaches Haitham about romance, it is Haitham who teaches Kaveh about love
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Kavetham AU where Hanahaki disease is a symptom of the Withering that only affects dendro vision users, causing their elemental powers to attack their own bodies.
The taste of lotus petals and the metallic tang of blood is a near constant on Haitham’s tongue nowadays
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imagine this unhinged energy of Zhongli spotting Xingqiu after the Liyue archon quest and going “where were you when Liyue needed you most” like wdym bro how was he meant to know 😭😭😭
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Kaveh exhausted from trying to meet a deadline and Haitham who makes snarky snide comments about it constantly but,,, there’s always a fresh water refilled in Kaveh’s cup, and Haitham for once takes care to put the spices away after he cooks them both dinner and most importantly—
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me trying to understand alhaitham’s kit after my friend explained it for the 16th time
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@uatiorthnab
GAWD the stitches at his neck that would’ve been such a violent death hey I hope Zhongli has nightmares about it ♥︎ about witnessing Taru’s death over and over again
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I hate Alhaitham but I love him But he’s so awful and annoying BUT I would utterly humiliate myself just for one little smile from him
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Kavetham beauty and the beast AU but Alhaitham is very calm about potentially being locked away in Kaveh’s Palace, with only this lion looking manbeast and his odd talking coffee pots for company, when sees the enormous library that the Palace has
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kavetham omegaverse where omega Hthm is a late bloomer who has his first heat only triggered by close proximity from living with alpha kvh. alas his heat goes entirely unnoticed by kvh bc kvh has a blocked nose from a cold and cannot smell the shift in hthm’s scent at all
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Alhaitham’s release has been such a clownfest first it was the drip marketing being on a random ass day now we are panicked over a possible massive nerf (dw tho I think they r just Min maxing) what’s next? Livestream delayed? I can’t wait to see what’s next on the clown programme
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GOOD GODDDDDD I LOVE SIMP TOPS SO MUCH I love flustered top whose heartbeat is going CRAZY face flushed all redder than a tomato overthinking tf out of things being like “OmgOmgOmg HFJDHDJKS I’m about to have sex?????? With ??????? Someone I really like?????”
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//Honkai Star Rail Beta
this is the most realistic group chat experience ever 😭😭
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Kavetham getting it on after the AQ like
Kaveh: why do you have bruises on your hips
Alhaitham, having flashbacks to the long lecture(s) Kaveh has given him on not putting himself in danger: I’m cheating on you
Kaveh: …nice try, nobody else would tolerate you. Tell me the truth.
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@Void_X38
And yet he didn’t manage to get rid of him even with a whole hivemind. Haitham would call that a skill issue
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Kaveh shouts at him “why are you so hard on me!?” And Haitham can’t help but blurt out “because I care about you and I hate seeing you burn yourself to the ground just to keep someone else warm you idiotic idealist!” and Kaveh is too angry at being called idiotic
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Alhaitham getting turned into a cat by a ley line accident but he’s having the time of his LIFE bc now if people don’t leave him alone he can smack them with a paw and run away to hide under a chair. He’s actually deeply disappointed when he gets transformed back human
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kavetham omegaverse crack. They r not dating but Haitham is nesting, and Kaveh…starts criticising Haitham’s design choices for his best.
Haitham retaliates by stealing Kaveh’s sheets and blankets. The fact that they smell of Kaveh is Definitely Not something Haitham cares about.
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kavetham omegaverse where Alpha Kaveh keeps getting mistaken for an omega because Haitham is so possessive (sometimes without even realising it) and always smothering Kaveh in the crisp floral scent of lotuses so much that Kaveh smells like an omega now
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Alhaitham’s key idle is the cutest fucking thing in the world. I love the gap moe of this very organised and disciplined man still having his own “oops” moments where he’s in a rush and yoinks both keys accidentally-on-purpose
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okay but Kaveh and Haitham’s fights are literally psychological war crimes to the outside observer and then they take 11 minutes to cool down alone and it’s straight to “Hey let’s go get that orange and cardamom kulfi we saw the other day” “yeah sure we need to buy more tea too”
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I love kaveh in a “I need to fix him” way where I need to lecture him about the limits of idealism. I love Alhaitham in a “I can fix him but whatever is wrong with him is much funnier” way where I’d follow him around and see if anyone is brave enough today to straight up deck him
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that it takes both of them a second to realise that Haitham just admitted Out Loud that he cares about Kaveh. (It takes them only another second more to work out that Haitham is somehow compromised, bc no way he would say that of his own volition under ordinary circumstances)
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kavetham a/b/o fake marriage AU
where unbonded omegas are seen as “emotional and irrational” so the Sages give Haitham an ultimatum: find himself an alpha or lose his role as Scribe.
…Luckily for Haitham, he hears that Kaveh, just happens to need a place to live…
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kaveh as the grand sage trying his very best to do an awful job n get fired except he’s accidentally making EXCELLENT choices. He has a guy arrested for bad vibes whos revealed as a Fatui spy inciting discord in Sumeru’s fragile new age. Theres a new holiday named after kaveh now
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Kaveh n Haitham would be the most High Effort parents. Kaveh is making a mechanised Aranara doll to waddle around their house at night so their kids can catch sight of its shadow with delight. Haitham would piece together the Aranara language to write them letters from Aranara
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i love the reoccurring theme in haitham whump where haitham is like covered in blood bruises and other fluids going “hmm? Hurts but im fine” vs kaveh who is trembling at the speed of sound barely holding it together experiencing sheer anguish n fury at how Haitham’s been hurt
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