Grant Smith ElIis
@msgrant_smith
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Artist formerly known as Grande. Lindsey’s simp. Wendy’s disabled adult child. Human parody. All sources and opinions from my Mom. Protected witness so FAFO.
Your Head (Rent-free)
Joined March 2024
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Pinned Tweet
That’s it. No more lies. My tell-all autobiography comes out this fall.
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NOW;
The Health Department has confirmed that the current epidemic of pants-shitting that is now occurring in the town of Canton has nothing to do with the food quality at D&E’s, for once.
Happy Labor Day, Canton!
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There she is….
So close I am smelling her right now.
Oh wait, I’m standing next to a dumpster.
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NOW;
36 years of bad decisions…. and Krusty ain’t got no quit!
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@DoctorTurtleboy
:28 secs in, big man tells women offscreen they “ can get the fuck out of here” and that “they don’t even live here.”
Tristin doesn’t even live there.
Stand back tho- he’s a security guard.
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Sad news to report this holiday.
RIP
@ChiefShartman
Poor Chief. It seems like we hardly knew them and yet at the same time we knew way too much about them.
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In case you were worried- I can CONFIRM that Canton’s two most desperate housewives have made up after Jen McCabe’s incessant reminders about how Kerri is a bitch who can’t shut up
They are back to normal- Kerri is once again acting as Jen’s chief videographer and meal finisher.
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Hey Bev- thanks for putting your fuckery on full display.
The whole world is watching your bullshit.
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@LanaDelTurtle_
Reporter was
@BienickWCVB
and he takes his marching orders from Greg Henning, attorney for Brian Albert.
Spread it far and wide!
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What’s the big deal? Wendy took me home from the hospital in a Stop N Shop bag.
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@MafiaMasshole
@MassStatePolice
@bostonpolice
Except they weren’t there for the arrest, Krusty, they were at the “command center.”
Just like you won’t be in Dedham tomorrow, because you’ll either be on the run or behind bars!
Sleep tight, Krusty!
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I don't know.
Sometimes I get this feeling like Lindsay’s cheating on me.
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IMPORTANT UPDATE;
Towel has been touched by the concern about my enrollment status in law school. So let me make a blanket (Towel?) announcement:
Yes, I have been kicked out of the New England School of Law.
Wendy and I demanded to see evidence/cause, and they just sent this:
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NOW;
First Krusty…. Now Coffy?
Was it something Towel said?
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I ain’t saying Mom’s a Gold Digger….
….but I don’t see Wendy messing with no broke ni**az.
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Why do I feel such a connection with Brian Higgins?
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How do you guys like my new look? Going for that scum bro style today.
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I refuse to address the allegations of misconduct which are floating around the X-sphere, except to say they are untrue and will not affect the rollout of Grantland Media.
In fact, I will still be holding auditions for female anchors in Room 2B of the Econo Lodge Monday at 2 pm.
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JUST IN;
In a very serious, concerning, development, a blogger who has repeatedly given me wedgies, made fun of my Mom, and outfit shamed me is trying to sit at my lunch table.
I will appeal to my colleagues to object, in unison, as soon as they all unblock me.
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IMPORTANT UPDATE
Hey turtlelosers, it's come to my attention that I left my lunchbox on the seat of my car.
ATTENTION
My lunchbox and canteen are both 2FA enabled, which alert me if anyone tries to take my Snack Pack.
Open it and we'll be having lunch together- in DISCOVERY.
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Now,
Words can hardly convey how upset I am this morning.
This is bigger than Bill and Monica or Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas or Tailhook.
If I had a sawbuck for every time someone gave me a “lovetap,” I’d still owe Lindsay $200.
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Look who it made it back from Bear Week!
Making a rare appearance without his cubby, Brian Albert, no less.
I guess all the city crimes have been solved so this Brave Boston Police Detective Bear can roam the streets of Dedham, protecting trash and sniffing ass on duty!
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The real time moment I learned l was not invited on today’s field trip.
Wendy packed me a lunchables, $5 for D and E, sunscreen,-and now for what?
Fear not, Turtletwits- your fearless towel will be in hot pursuit. No sweat. Hardly the first time I’ve chased a down a school bus.
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NOW;
Towel just woke up.
Did I miss
@MafiaMasshole
and her Tuesday surprise?
What did she do that was so shocking?
Pick her remaining kids up at school?
Settle her tab at the Dedham House of Pizza?
Laundry?
Grande is on the edge of his seat!
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The name’s Grande.
I came here to chew bubblegum and assault women.
And I’m all outta bubblegum.
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BREAKING NEWS
Votes from my Grand Jury Hearings for defending and avenging my chair are split along similar lines. (Grand Juries have 23 members).
6 voted to shoot me, 6 voted to burn me, 6 voted to cane me, and the remaining Five said living with Wendy is punishment enough.
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@MafiaMasshole
@AlanJayJackson
It really must piss you off to see a photo of a man/wife together where the man isn’t beating the shit out of his wife, smoking crack, or making a pass at the wife’s kids.
Or vice versa.
It’s 10:22 on the Fourh of July- do you think Kate knows where her kids are (all of them)?
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@DoctorTurtleboy
Please try to keep yourself from reading all of the passionate messages that LG and I exchanged during our courtship.
I know she saved them.
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@MafiaMasshole
NOW;
Word is the judge was so impressed, Krusty!
Especially when you smirked as she was extending your probation, so she decided to tack on 30 hours of community service to your sentence!
Does that mean you can just clean your apartment, since you live in community housing?
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@CourtTV
If Julie’s frozen face could feign terror, she’d probably be shocked when she found out that Lindsey and Kate abuse children and kill animals- and all that was just before the interview that morning.
And please correctly identify Kate as Lindsey’s pimp if you have any integrity.
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UPDATE;
Wendy and I have now sent 100's (potentially over 1000- I’m not good with numbers and zeros) of emails, texts, DMs etc. to court staff, the SJC media office and my fellow colleagues in the media. Let’s just that, so far, the response hasn’t been very heartening.
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SOURCES SAY
if Michael Proctor needs any tips on how to live in Greater Boston on no paycheck while still driving a luxury car and smoking tons of sticky-icky every goddamn day, then Grande is your man!
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@TheYoungJurks
It was nice of them to put all of the suspects on one handy list for the FBI and members of the media.
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NOW;
Ever see a nice car at a great price and think to yourself, “I’d love to buy that for my bitch but I don’t know where to keep it until Christmas/their birthday, etc.”
BREAKING;
Grande will keep your car safe until then!
Call 1-877-CARS 4 GRANDE, and check out my reviews!
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@DoctorTurtleboy
You need to lock eyes with Jen McCabe when the not guilty verdict comes down.
It’s your destiny.
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DISTURBING UPDATE;
It now appears that Aidan Kearney has access to multiple streaming subscriptions registered to Lindsey Gaetani. Right now he’s adding ridiculous titles to her watch list and restarting shows so she can’t go back to where she left off.
This is horrifying.
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BREAKING NEWS
Burner account for amateur stripper, Dave Portnoy simp and soon-to-be former State Trooper Yuri Bukhenik exposed!
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I’ve been playing the “take a shot everytime Aunt Bev sighs game” all
Morning and I’m pretty sure I now have alcohol poisoning.
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@HWOnYourCase
Just send LG a text that reads “*69.”
She’ll call back within 5 minutes.
15 minutes if she’s with a client.
I love you so effing much, Lindsey!
#LG4eva
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@Lindsey1494141
Four Kids.
Six possible fathers.
But there’s only one man she’s truly obsessed with….
Aidan Kearney is…. “The Intimidator.”
Now Playing Regular Engagements inside Lindsay’s Head.
Rated NC-17.
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@MafiaMasshole
I’m glad you enjoy Brian Albert’s police record!
Tell me Krusty, what does Mr. Albert think of your police record?
Is he impressed by your dedication?
And how many beers deep are you? It’s 10am on a Saturday, after all.
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@MafiaMasshole
So the the person responsible for organizing the O’Keefe’s publicity isn’t responsible for her own children (the 50% of them she still has in custody), has no hubcaps, has to beg the state for $500 and is facing multiple felonies?
Ok, Krusty!
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NOW;
TGIF- Thank Grande it’s Friday!
*Trigger Warning: Some may find this story very upsetting and offensive. It deals with themes of childishness and extreme selfishness. If you are a parent, pregnant or planning to ever have kids , please stop here.
And to sis- F- your lamp!
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If you know of any other chairs that have been subject to abuse or harassment like this, please encourage them to come forward. I might not be able to tell every individual chair’s story come Monday,but I’d at least like to introduce them into discovery.
This is the first step.
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Stick a fork in Old Grande, I’m done for.
Wendy- I’m going to need bail money. You can pawn the Magic Cards (later volumes) if you have to.
Though I’m likely looking at no-hold bong… I mean bond.
Do you think I’ll have time to keister some chronic before the fuzz arrives?
This is the aftermath of
@GrantSmithEllis
assaulting female reporter
@jessmachadoshow
. I predicted a violent incident would happen if the court didn’t do something to control the press problem outside the court, which is solely created by Grant.
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NOW;
Here’s a look at Grande’s standout in Belmont.
Because Towel and the rest of Grantland believe Karen is innocent and we know that Colin Albert was in the house!
We hear TB is stopping by soon- and so is LG!
Wendy can’t make it but says
#FreeKarenRead
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@ChiefSharkman
SOURCES SAY
He’s still demanding to talk to Karen and find out if she really thought he was hot.
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BREAKING NEWS;
EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS of Kate Peter and my lovely Lindsey spending STOLEN lunch money on Buds and vapes filled with unknown substance this weekend, all as their assorted spawn went ignored.
Grande just can’t figure out why they went to the Cape… LG hates the beach!
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Jen McCabe is like Freddie Krueger.
Even in the middle of an absolutely mediocre to below par piece of content, Jen McCabe still manages to scare the shit out of an entire nation.
#KarenRead
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The Court Officer just stopped me and asked me if I’m on drugs. Excuse me? I’m here everyday.
BREAKING NEWS
So I told him, “I’m on a drug and it’s called Grant Smith Ellis.”
WINNING
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Can’t believe I almost missed this.
Thank you,
@trollhollomio
for making my week that much better.
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So was it worth it to cross the Turtle after all, Trooper Michael Proctor?
Answer us now or we send Kathy Curran.
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BREAKING NEWS
Disgraced, outgoing State Trooper Yuri Bukhenik took down his racist, misogynistic X-account that was riddled with murder threats and graphic accounts of disturbing sexual paraphilia.
But it looks like he’s jumped on this other account! Go say “Hi” to Yuri before
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@OnTheRecordSC
@DoctorTurtleboy
Beats the shit out of the menu at D&E everyday.
I hear the ass-play is comparable though.
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She’s looking at me in a whole different way ever since she watched me take down that turtle….
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@HWOnYourCase
SOURCES SAY
The Charles Manson Estate is filing a defamation suit against Hailey Walbrecht on Monday.
Normally, such a suit would be futile as Manson died in 2017, but the SJC may allow it to proceed given the damage that associating with Kate Peter could do to Manson’s legacy.
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Things I learned at the 6/25 Canton Select Meeting:
-Canton is the most racist town in New England in addition to being the most murderous.
-Councilor Chris Albert killed a man in 1994.
Watch this shit show on YouTube!
#KarenRead
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BREAKING NEWS
Kate Peter and Lindsey Gaetani now kill animals in addition to endangering their own children.
*Sponsored by the McAlberts
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UPDATE
Step one, closely drop hair- done.
Now onto step two- apply head lice killing shampoo.
Hopefully step three involves Wendy letting me back inside the house. 
Thank God I wore two pairs of glasses this morning.

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@DoctorTurtleboy
To be fair, that guy was on his way to a Michael Morrissey look-a-like convention.
He was only getting into character.
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EMERGENCY BREAKING NEWS
Listen up, ML, AJ, HE et al. I have been hearing about other people going to Dave Matthews Band concerts, taking trips to Cancun and having casual sex for all of my life. Well guess what? It ends tonight.
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@chloeinvermont
BREAKING NEWS
My wallet’s gone!
DEVELOPING STORY
If any of you filthy turtleriders see my wallet, please bring it to the court clerk.
BACKGROUND
I don’t know what I’m gonna do- all my coupons were in there!!
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How many donos would you guys send me if I ran beside Lindsey and screamed questions to her attorney about how he allegedly had an affair with Annie Dookhan and his alleged role in the Chemist Drug Scandal of 2012?
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Lally is the Defense’s MVP.
“After his body was removed by the fire department, what did you observe in that general area?”
“Nothin’.”
Stay classy, Canton!
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“Don’t worry, babe. If you search for the exact same thing in the exact same window like, 2 or 3 hours later, you’ll be in the clear.” -Matt McCabe, IT expert, Fortune 500 company president, Smartest Guy in Canton 1986.
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@DoctorTurtleboy
@jessmachadoshow
@GrantSmithEllis
I hope you are all happy.
I guess you felt the safety of the general public on Mon, Wed, Fri’s from 9-4 and 9-1 on Tue and Thurs just wasn’t as important as getting your rocks off.
I’ll be back. Meantime, I’ll be at Sullivan’s with Tristan.
Come talk shit. We’ll be waiting.
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@DoctorTurtleboy
I’m still finding pieces of the chair that Jess picked up and shattered all over the court steps.
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On this day in 1994, ne'er-do-well Chris Albert got behind the wheel of his car and killed a promising 22-year-old college student named Peter Berger.
Selectmen Chris Albert led police on a 30 hour manhunt before turning himself into police! Today, he kills alongside his son.
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@MassStatePolice
But I’m in Canton right now!
Who is going to protect me from the McCabes and the Alberts?
Oh shit/ is that Trooper Michael Proctor?!?!
This is mayhem!!!!
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@chrisalbert1994
@Bederowlaw
NOW;
LG says she is the fly that you can’t kill.
But do flies have heroin habits?
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@jessmachadoshow
@DoctorTurtleboy
Does it smell of Newports that burned right down to the filter and stale sex??
Goddamit- I miss you so effing much, Linds!
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I understand a certain rabble-rousing blogger finds it hilarious when Towel and his Famous Attorney mother have to make use of emergency services.
Well, I’d like to see the bastards laugh at this tale of tragedy averted with an interstate twist.
I call it, “Grande Van Winkle.”
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This might be the greatest piece of short form cinema since “The Red Balloon.”
No but WHY is this the funniest thing????lmaooooo
@DoctorTurtleboy
this man is unwell, please be careful 🙏🏻
#freekarenread
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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NOW;
You guys wouldn’t want to see any more of these kinds of updates, right?
I mean, you guys would probably never stay tuned for a series of spooky stories about my life with Wendy, right?
Total waste of time! Sorry I even brought it up.
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@MafiaMasshole
And please, email therealkatepeter69
@outlook
.com with any more imaginary press inquiries.
Kate totally won’t try to steal your identity or anything.
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@EvictedFuckin
@MafiaMasshole
Hey Krusty, can you re-post the document where Bradl begs the court for $500 because his client is an indigent crackhead?
Oh shit, wait-
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@MassStatePolice
Frankie is probably getting an earful from Chloe Albert (2015-2022) right about now.
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I believe Jen.
A big part of loving someone is knowing when to leave them in the cold as a blizzard approaches.
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@CantonMAPolice
Oh great.
How about I just unlock all my doors and hang up a sign that says “come on in, Colin Albert!”
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NOW;
Why does this writing style seem so familiar…?
SOURCES SAYING
perhaps both writers learned penmanship in the Belmont public school system?
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@MafiaMasshole
@HWOnYourCase
This must be a bigger deal than we know if Krusty crawled out of her hiding spot and hiked down to McDonald’s for some WiFi…. And a few Big Breakfast plates to go.
Krusty was wearing her stripes so she got the food for free as the workers assumed she was the Hamburglar.
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Bradl’s “unclean hands” argument is really hitting home with me.
BREAKING NEWS
Any donos for hand sanitizer, liquid soap, bars of soap, steel wool pads…. Towel appreciates you good people.
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Can anyone tell me why Turtleclub isn’t working right now?
Is this because I’m sharing my password with Lindsay, Kate and Wendy?
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