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steff

@moonandmouth

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speak softly and carry a big poem🌙 austin-based writer🌙 this is my diary🌙

ig: moonandmouth
Joined May 2020
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@moonandmouth
steff
8 months
when a press rejects your magnum opus. when a tweet flops. when one of the great love affairs of your life peters out into a tepid plastic bead necklace of days. when you have gone over your calorie limit because of the sashimi deluxe
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
it's weird how likable unlikable people are in fiction but how unlikable unlikable people are irl. it's weird
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
guy at my local dive bar upon finding out i'm a poetry student, excitedly: "i assume you're also anti-capitalist?" "yes but i consider it incidental to my identity. ideology is usually a function of material circumstance so if i could code and make money i'd be a libertarian."
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
you just know this guy reads threads on twitter
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@moonandmouth
steff
11 months
i'm in a rizz gap relationship (bf is much more charismatic than i am--9 out of 10 people who meet us prefer him socially). and while it's not problematic, it can be uncomfortable! i've mostly accepted it and cope by saying that 10th person who prefers me is really special tho~
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
i've been addicted to relationship forums for two decades. i can hear the hooves of the 4 horsemen of relationship apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) over vast expanses of dunes. my spiritual body count is over 9000. i rotate mother-in-laws in my head.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
first date with my french ex, he took me to the base of the eiffel tower. i was 21 and very charmed by his wry, falsely humble "look at this thing. it has no point. why did we build it?" "it does have a point. it's just very high in the sky"... i reveled in my cleverness too.
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@moonandmouth
steff
11 months
america's national parks are a world treasure. i love this country
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
last time i used a dating app i went on just one date. white guy, majored in comp sci and chinese at stanford. after graduation he spent his entire adult life in china, until locked into his apt by authorities during covid. apolitical besides wanting to be able to leave his apt
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 months
a prophecy is being fulfilled
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
when you talk shit about john berger this is who you are talking about. humble yourself uglies
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
what if you were an accelerationist of the inner life--what if you intensified your internal contradictions until something mutant and marvelous crawled out of the dust
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@moonandmouth
steff
9 months
dating older is like me: thinking of joining a kundalini class bf: oh i did that for a couple of years me: thinking of getting into gurdjieff bf: oh i was into him for a couple of years me *despairing*: why are you even with me if i'm not a window into new worlds for you??
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@moonandmouth
steff
10 months
not to be handwringing and reddit but things are going to get so, so much worse
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@moonandmouth
steff
8 months
i come from a line of e-girls
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
women on relationship forums say "the bar is set in hell"--protesting that they have super basic standards men still can't meet (hygiene, job, similar values = "a good person"). they can't see the last item is what's sabotaging them... that good people can have different values
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@moonandmouth
steff
11 months
can we talk about the understated elegance of that prefatory greentext gesture "> be me"? it's a poem of itself, a perfect rhyme, one letter off from "meme." with an air of the technical acronym or executable code, spliced with the pleading desperation of a struggling protagonist
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
was thinking about you guys 🥺
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
how do men know so much about history? were they there or something
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 years
tired: me doing an mfa via zoom wired: my dad and his friends in art school in '80s china
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
tbh there is a reverse version of this that happens if you glow-up in your mid to late 20s. there are basic lessons you learn around social license, generosity vs transaction in relationships, etc. it can make you cynical
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rosey🌹
1 year
“Wait all that matters is what’s on the inside?”
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
forget "rizz"... i heard two zoomers say "floozy" recently, like old hollywood romantic comedians. really i think they're just seizing on words that have z in them, following a subconscious (dare we say zombie??) drive towards the keystone letter of their generation.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
just graduated with my mfa in poetry. complete disappointment to my parents.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
the issue with dating apps i could immediately see was i'd be too interested in collecting narratives vs looking for a connection. no matter what i would ask a gazillion questions, telegraphing an interest that would later be misread as romantic
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
writing workshops are good actually but to save time and money strip your name from your work and dm it to an anon
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 years
i don't have a background in museum studies but i feel like maybe i wouldn't have done this
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
yrs ago, i decided to have a tumor removed which ran thru the facial nerve. if it turned malignant chance of death was 90% but the removal resulted in facial paralysis 20% of the time. i prepped for the worst--read autobiography of a face by lucy grealy, beauty myth by naomi wolf
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
it will never stop being funny to me that the same people concerned about feeling foggy and feeble because of tupperware, cvs receipts, and cooking oils somehow don't think generations of poverty, stress, and trauma can account for differential outcomes
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 years
i don't wanna be in a relationship if he's not smarter than me and if i'm not cleverer than him
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@moonandmouth
steff
26 days
this is the beginning of the end. in a few decades, the *majority* of politicians will have been highly online, with discursive propensities traced to tumblr, 4chan, or twitter. leaks of problematic old dms will be a dime a dozen, as everyone adopts a no-clean-digital-hands norm
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
this image annoys me to no end. the obvious missing path after "can you do something" is "maybe" and that's the source of almost all worries. imperfect knowledge, imperfect agency.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
edgy zoomer girl upon meeting me for the first time: how do you feel about potentially being a geriatric mother? me: ray peat says the best age for women to bear children is 37-38
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
when i first read about the "liking gap" (studies showing that people underestimate their own likeability), i thought it was bs. but i was recently captured in a third party instagram reel. and saw when i'd felt i was being tiresome, my interlocutor showed a lot of interest in me
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 years
@QiaochuYuan I want to read you as generously as possible, but this is actually wild. Your other thread mentions your parents potentially delaying retirement to continue funding your lifestyle. Your reaction to their generosity is a snub to AA culture. To then play the AA card--please.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
men are like have you heard about... ... ... lee harvey oswald... mkultra... the oklahoma city bombings... adam curtis... catalytic converters... hvac filters... aspect ratios... & more... ... ...
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
it's a total white pill how different you can be from an earlier self and still experience a sense of continuity with that self. if we could extend that to others too and love them for who they were or will be one day--think of how much grace we would offer them in the present
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
and mentally accepted i might never be conventionally attractive for the rest of my life. afterwards, i had some partial paralysis but it cleared up within 4 months. anyway, i consider myself v lucky... don't worry too much about imperfections or hitting the wall any longer 💕
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
i feel bad for my therapist. he gave me this tip to express my feelings more: "try saying, 'you don't have to do anything about this but i felt X just now.'" i grimaced. "sounds like poly/relationship anarchy culture." he blinked "what do you mean"
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
therapist: so you think if you stop writing and publishing your bf will love you less? me: yes t: do you think he might love you for other reasons? me: it's a composite. also, people don't actually know themselves so he might subconsciously love me less and not realize it.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
told bf if i die he is allowed a new mate after an appropriate period of mourning but... if there turns out to be an afterlife he has to break up with her for me again because even death won't make me poly
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
i don't really believe in an authentic self but once i read a comment that messed me up. it asked, if you had dementia, how would you treat other people? it suggested cultivating behaviors so they became instinctual enough that you'd still be warmhearted even with dementia.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
my favorite part of the hero's journey is the refusal of the call to their fate. people who long for the call, chase and embrace it, are more often than not villanous--proud, callous people. it's why most politicians are suspect. those who want power shouldn't have it.
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
ray peat noticed of painters, the ones he considered good came from poor families and had had to be skilled while the not so good came from rich families and pandered to insider trends/tastes. the latter operated from a state of inertia, not energy. same for writers i think
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
at this academic conference i went to, one guy attending remotely kept submitting really good questions the facilitator would read out loud, including the guy's username. the thing is tho his username was redpilljunkie
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@moonandmouth
steff
4 years
I blame the PhD-in-handle people
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
last year at a party i met a misinformation consultant. he was saying how hard it was during covid deciding to recommend to tech companies to suppress links, etc. i got tipsy & mad. "so *you* did this to me. i used to be a nice offline girl with normal politics--now i'm a FREAK!"
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
recently when i used the word "arthoes" irl a friend said it was offensive. "but it only denotes gender and high openness to beauty" i protested "not body count. for instance i'm both an arthoe and a femcel--"
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@moonandmouth
steff
8 months
did a poetry reading last night and was gifted this poster
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
when his face dropped i hastened to reassure him that under my given circumstances i was definitely anti-capitalist tho...
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
maybe it's tropey/juvenile but i'm still obsessed with this idea that to know the esoteric name of a thing is to have power over it-- saramago wrote, "you know the name you were given. you do not know the name you have." maybe it's our life's work to learn our own secret names
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
i think one of the fundamental cultural schisms today is btwn those who conceive of words as play vs those who take everything literally. what if those who came of age during text based rpgs are better positioned to understand text as experiment, vs the post-facebook set
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 months
i genuinely don't understand the point of reading philosophy if at the end of the day you're still just calling each other fascist vs woke, with more hyphenated pejoratives. is there really no way to move beyond this discourse no matter how much you read and think? huge blackpill
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
just starting to realize this: what separates you from others, what makes you feel lonely in a crowd, probably isn't what you think it is. it's probably *not* your aesthetics/politics/the obvious answer. in a room of people who shared your tastes, you still feel desperately alone
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
if you aren't terrified of 15% of your mutuals, are you even living
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@moonandmouth
steff
11 months
being very online/into internet culture is not an identity unless you make it one. following the latest drama with larping nationalists or spicy e-girls is no different from being into star trek. it's not that normies don't "get" it, it's that you shouldn't be so marvel-brained.
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@moonandmouth
steff
9 months
birthday again
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
so far, i think being into ufos is better than being into manhattan-based podcasts
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steff
1 year
a long time ago i asked a software developer ex to make me a calculator program. i wanted it to spit out, based on our birthdates and the current date, the percentages of our lives we'd spent together in the relationship. it was lovely watching the numbers go up--until the end
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
"people don't change" is of those jaded-sassy, supposedly self-empowering canards that i totally disagree with. most readily admit change in the negative direction, e.g. in failing relationships. but to not be alive to how many around you are blossoming every year too, that's sad
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
i find it gutwrenchingly lovely that hans christian andersen needed a year to write the ending to the ugly duckling, despite it being such a short story! a reminder that nothing is inevitable--neither the persistence of curses nor the sudden blush of blessings across your life
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 years
i don't know anyone at the wedding 😔
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@moonandmouth
steff
7 months
does anyone else feel a ton of anxiety about this upcoming year? it feels make or break in so many ways. artistically, romantically, culturally, vocationally... it's like we have a real shot at an all-around glow up but also we might just muck up everything
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
"as an adult, you need to manage your impulses without making others feel bad. it's a cop-out to say the other person isn't responsible as you dump on them. it's just a way to be hurtful within the rules." "ok, it's just something i've found helpful" he shrugged. poor guy
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
as a first generation immigrant i love massive spreads of american grub it makes me like david foster wallace at the illinois state fair
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 years
Weird being in an MFA program and not aspiring to publish in The Paris Review or become an Assistant Professor. I fully accept that I will stock Red Bulls for man-children after this is over, while texting screencaps of my poems in MS Word to 3 friends.
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 years
It is unbecoming for a lady to *lowers voice* rotate shapes.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
fyi, this is what happens when twitter friends become instagram friends
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@moonandmouth
steff
5 months
austin is so lush right now post-equinox pre-eclipse
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
i hate the new logo so much. every time i click the app i feel like andrew tate logging onto ashley madison
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 years
year 1 on bird site: need to be careful, what if my boss or coworkers or students see this year 2 on bird site: need to be careful, what if my politically fringe aesthetically uncompromising rabidly aggressive mutuals see this
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@moonandmouth
steff
6 months
people don't get that the second case is the rule, not the exception--but only outside the academic and media classes. in these classes, the phenomenon is so rare that when a character like this appeared on "the curse," lots of audience members criticized it for being unrealistic
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
i kinda do believe in multiverses i just don't believe there is one where i'm at all ok with polyamory
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steff
1 year
a real fear of mine is that i'm just a template human. not an npc, still playing, but safely with a template. around 2016, i was working for a university diversity office. painfully doe-eyed, i walked into my boss's office and asked how i could be more woke. those were my words
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@moonandmouth
steff
4 years
Your actual anon account is who you pretend to be around your neolib friends.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
the fantasy with brooding bfs who are into dfw, gaddis, or pynchon is that *you*ll be the woman he softens for, *you*ll unravel the furrow in his brow. but of course that never happens. date a chipper extrovert who reads about ufos instead
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steff
1 year
have worked behind the scenes at universities for many years, and it's wild how many resources students don't know they can take advantage of. huge fellowships almost no one applies for, full/ restricted courses you can ask to be overridden into, etc. just look around and ask
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steff
1 year
it really sucks how tech companies run so lean now. i blame musk. retvrn to hiring liberal arts grads to do nothing but prop up engineers egos
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
a thing that's hard for certain wordcels to keep in mind is that just because self-expression comes more easily to us, doesn't mean we actually have *more* or *better* interiority than anyone else it is just what it is
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
i must live a certain way.
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
be not afraid 😊
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@moonandmouth
steff
7 months
no one: but no one: girls: i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. i'm a femcel. i'm orthogonal. i'm abject. i'm male-brained. no one understands me. i'm an a(u/r)tist.
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@moonandmouth
steff
7 months
L + ratio + your beliefs and physical signifiers cluster predictably
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
was trying to explain my love for buc-ees to a group of film nerds: "saying buc-ees is a gas station chain in texas is like saying films are pixels on a screen" proving once again you don't need to stay in academia to teach
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@moonandmouth
steff
2 years
rilke again
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
i grew up not well off and have mostly disguised it but here and there i slip up. years ago on a business trip ordering room service and being a little too excited to a colleague. a few days ago being wide-eyed at nice mobile bathrooms. wealth still fascinates and unsettles me
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@moonandmouth
steff
11 months
hi new followers. quick lore recap > be me > 1st gen immigrant woman of color > dei employee, pussy hat, identitarian spoken word poetry enjoyer > break: anti-mandate vaxx skeptic > red scare > log on > mfa poetry > big breakup > angel leftist bf acquired > recalibration era
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
can we still be friends if i dress like this
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
*reading job descriptions* no, actually. i don't think i would thrive in a fast-paced environment. i think i would thrive in the great molasses flood of 1919 when a 2.3 million gallon tank of the good stuff burst, killing 21 and injuring 150, in boston.
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 years
bf's been 'going to the woodshop' from after work til midnight recently... 🧐 he finally brought home what he's been working on: a new coffee table.
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@moonandmouth
steff
7 months
i've been to a few exhibits now on "digital identities"--they're almost always disappointing. you never feel the artists are *actually* very online, and how they explain their work in the labels is how taylor lorenz writes about "dangerous" trolls. overly serious and hysterical
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@moonandmouth
steff
4 months
bro mainstream poetry culture is so cooked.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
i work a 9 to 5 now. i wear beige and project the persona of a woman who will treat herself to chunky jewelry from museum gift stores in her retirement. on remote work days, i park at cafes where the ceramicware states "this coffee kills fascists." i am an irreproachable citizen.
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@moonandmouth
steff
3 years
Poetry should be an infohazard. It should awaken the reader to the micro-present in a way that is antithetical to any totalizing narrative.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
one of my favorite techniques in poetry is comparing something to something else in the same category--tulips red as poppies, face taut as a knuckle etc. it's whimsical and sinister at once
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@moonandmouth
steff
4 years
Everytime I have to grade exams or assignments, I think of this passage from The Dispossessed.
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@moonandmouth
steff
1 year
moving day, send power 🙏
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@moonandmouth
steff
10 months
fed gf fed bf
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