mo mandel
@momandel
Followers
22K
Following
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Media
705
Statuses
4K
Seen on Nobody Wants This and Curb, new stand up special out now! "TRYING TO MAKE IT" ⬇️
hollywood also narnia
Joined August 2009
UBER drv just told me to roll up my window cause it was loud on the freeway. I told him I had it down cause he wasn’t wearing a mask. He said “In Arizona we’re free and don’t follow the rules.” Bro, you just gave me a rule abt the window! (I kept it down. Embraced my freedoms).
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The greatest insult in my life is when my wife goes to bed early leaving me all alone on the couch and then an hour later I see that she just tweeted. cc: @AshleyGWinter.
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My urologist wife dragged me to a Sex Medicine conference this weekend and so far I’ve gotten neither. 🙁 #sexmed #trophyhusband.
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My swimmers took their time but they got the damn job done! And well! #BlessedAndGrateful #HappyHolidays2022
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My wife is the coolest 37 year old surgeon/freshman in high school that I have ever met. 😍.
Husband: what are you doing in there??. Me: research! (On spring outfits 🤫).
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It's pretty cool that I married my best friend. It's less cool that I married my only friend.
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Ive been on solo dad duty for a week while wife is traveling in the UK. Honestly how the hell does any single parent do this full time?? Hats off to you heroes. Also if @AshleyGWinter doesn’t bring me back a souvenir imma be pissed and so will our relentless toddler monster.
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Not all heroes wear capes. Some just have annoying wives.
My husband donated blood out of the goodness of his being forced to do it by me.
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As irony would have it, the path to our first female president lies in an old man’s ass.
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It's like my mom's always said, any friends that would murder you to keep you from testifying about them being pedophiles were never really your friends.
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COVID HACK: Sex while wearing an N95 mask isn't fun. Unless you imagine that you are both Shredder.
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To all the fans of my wife @AshleyGWinter, you should know that this is how she starts out her Sunday. Prepare to UNFOLLOW.
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My wife insisted on dropping me off at the airport at 4am even though I said that I’d take an Uber. Does this mean that she’s cheating on me?.
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When your wife forgets to clean up the kitchen because she’s “going to the hospital” to “perform surgery.” 🤦♂️ @AshleyGWinter SMH
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After much discussion, my wife and I decided that despite all the controversy, we're gonna keep letting our daughter drink Bud Light.
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I really admire my wife. She has not let the fact that we cannot afford a house stop her from sending me countless listings on Redfin.
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My wife is out of town leaving me with the baby and is now posting this. Feels like an aggressive rubbing it in.
Ok my foundation doesn't really match but otherwise very into my makeup this morning 💄.
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My daughters six weeks old and I'm already worried about her dating Pete Davidson.
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I'm not saying there is a Jewish Media Mafia trying to destroy Kayne West, but even if there is, he's doing such a good job of it himself we can probably just sit this one out.
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@AshleyGWinter @gretchemaben It’s been a mammoth of an ordeal and Ashley has been tough as nails and is getting through it. Happy and thankful to say she is healing up great. She continues to be my hero, even as I annoy her and try to get her to eat more hospital food. 🥰.
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She sounds proud, right?.
On completely unrelated matters- my husband was on Curb Your Enthusiasm last night so if you watch it he's the guy who asks Susie if she has a dick in her mouth.
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FERTILITY TWEET:. Ovaries are like government workers, only really putting in the time 4 or 5 days a month. Balls are like illegal workers, showing up every single day ready for hard labor.
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Day Care is a great scam. You pay monthly and your kid is too sick to ever go.
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My wife told me that I better not cheat when I'm on the road, as if most of my time isn't spent looking for distilled water for my CPAP machine.
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I met a hot dick doc at one of my performances and she keeps coming back.
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Was proud to open for my buddy @hasanminhaj last night. We started comedy together and still have the best hair in the game. #TheKingsJester
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Oops? Oops?! “Oops”.Doesn’t cut it! This has been happening every year since I was a kid. It’s time this so called “Captain” got his act together!
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It's tweets from my wife like this that keep me from going on the road more.
Women should sleep with as many consenting adults as they damn please.
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Canadians give Americans crap because we don't have free healthcare, but what they don't understand is that we have a lot of guns, so if you get sick, chances are someone will shoot you. #ProblemSolved.
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Is my wife @AshleyGWinter having so many more followers than me an example of Cyber Bullying?.
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Sometimes you just gotta give your wife Covid to remind her who's running the house 🏋️♂️.
Well. The 3 days of @momandel breathing on me BEFORE his COVID+ result have caught up with me & I wasted a week sleeping on the couch for nothing. I don't blame the HEPA filter, I blame Canada. If you need me I will be chanting hexs in front of this faux money.
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My baby isn't even born yet and I already feel like terrible father for booking stand up shows in 2023. With that said my calendar does have a lot of openings. .
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Well if there was any concern that she’s not really my daughter, today the doctor put a thermometer up her anus and she sprayed sh*t all over the table. Just like her daddy (sigh) ❤️.
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ME: I got the vaccine. MY QANON FRIEND: Do you even know what's in it?!. ME: I don't even know what's in a cough drop.
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Am I not a reason??.
Baby taking an extended nap so I put on eyeshadow for no reason.
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Neck Pain Update: Subsided enough for me to masturbate, but still hurts enough for me to use it as an excuse not to go to the gym. #TheSweetSpot.
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Let me guess, the only way to stop a bad 6 yr old with a gun is a good 6 yr old with a gun?
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Based on a the success of movies about popular 80's products like Barbie and Super Mario Brothers I will be writing a new horror feature about Hair Club For Men. Look for "I'm Also A Client" coming fall 2025 starring Jason Statham.
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I want my daughter to become a comedian so I'm thinking of naming her KAREN just to give her an opening joke. "My parents named me Karen, because they thought I was gonna grow up to be a bitch. Lucky guess.". No way that doesn't kill in 2045.
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If I am a TROPHY HUSBAND, what kind of TROPHY am I?.A) Bowling.B) Archery.C) Mathlete.D) Participation Prize.
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Nevermind. She just gave me some Robitussin.
My urologist wife dragged me to a Sex Medicine conference this weekend and so far I’ve gotten neither. 🙁 #sexmed #trophyhusband.
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My daughter is 11 months old and has a recital at her school this week. Stay tuned.
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How my wife has kept busy while I’ve been on the road. 🤷🏻.
@AshleyGWinter Ashley MANSCAPED™. 🤝. saving balls.
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My baby can't sleep without a pacifier. I can't sleep without a CPAP mask. We are the Yin and Yang of rest.
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My wife was late for a flight, but also ovulating, so I had to make it happen in 5 mins before her UBER arrived. Thankfully, I'd been training for that moment my entire life.
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Turning off your phone is the new living out in the middle of the woods.
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Save this kinda content for Only Fans so we can start a college fund.
It's been almost a year of this & NGL I'm really sick of lactating. I mean, I know I'm very lucky to be able to nourish my child yada yada. But it's also logistically brutal.
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My support for #Ukraine was just tested by my wife accidentally calling out @ZelenskyyUa's name during sex.
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What's the recommended amount of times you're supposed to masturbate during each episode of Squid Games?.
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My wife realized she's ovulating right as I was leaving to catch a flight, so we had to have sex super quickly. Luckily I'd been training my entire life for this moment. #HappyValentinesDay.
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@bargles @AshleyGWinter I did contemplate forcing a coughing fit until he caved and rolled his down.
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I’m calling it. He’s faking it to win sympathy, get us off the debate missteps, and look like he beat it cause “he’s tough and it’s a hoax.” My moneys on that level of shady. #TrumpHasCovid.
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2 Weeks Into Being a Parent:. Day Time - Easier than walking a dog. Night Time - Harder than giving a baboon a colonoscopy.
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Dear wife, whatever you have been eating please stop eating it, because the baby’s 💩 smells horrific. -The Management.
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PEOPLE WHEN THEY FIND OUT I'M A COMIC: "Aren't you afraid of being heckled?". ME: "Nah, I've been on Twitter before.".
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I read my 14 month year old daughter a book called "Go Girls Go" fifteen times this morning and then she refused to let me wipe her and rolled around in her own feces while crying. My views on feminism are divided.
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@AshleyGWinter Is it possible for me to pass Covid through my farts? Asking for a friend who potentially has lethal farts.
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When you're married to a surgeon, that time of the month, is all times of all months. #Doctors #trophyhusband.
I got home in scrubs & @momandel shouted WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BLOOD CLOTHES IN THE HOUSE?.
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RIP Dianne Feinstein, you were an inspiration to many. And hopefully an inspiration to Mitch McConnell.
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Is @ArsenioHall the nicest famous person I’ve worked with? Probably. Dude is also a monster on stage. Excited for every aspect of this movie! .
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The most important lesson my father has taught me is about how to fix things around the house. By marrying a handy woman.
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A lot of people have accused me of paying doctors to make me look better, but the truth is I really do need to wear that CPAP mask. The additional sex appeal is merely a bonus.
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Who needs Holocaust Remembrance Day when having to wear a mask in my favorite Dennys reminds of it EVERY SINGLE DAY!.
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Texas is outlawing abortion but building a border wall. Make up your mind, do you want new people or not?.
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@AshleyGWinter Oh cool u had time and energy this morning while the baby had me in a headlock. Fun!.
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Great day shooting w @ochocinco! Super dope fella who REALLY likes @McDonalds. #Ochosinco #OchosincMO
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A rich white man who bangs porn stars and then pays them off just can't catch a break anymore. Sad!.
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I stand by it. Said what I said.
I walked in the bedroom & glanced upon my sweetly slumbering husband looking handsome in the morning light. I gently kissed his forehead & as his consciousness stirred he murmured softly, "ewww.".
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My wife may not cook, but she does tweet about it, and that's what really matters. 😐.
Pancakes with blueberries on top are not blueberry pancakes.
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My wife just now: " I never knew that Donald Sutherland was Kiefer Sutherland's father." . Like seriously, how is that possible and who did I marry?.
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