Dave Hill
@mrdavehill
Followers
47,188
Following
4,518
Media
2,301
Statuses
77,789
I love your mom. Watch my special: . IG and TikTok: @mrdavehill
New York City
Joined December 2008
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Pinned Tweet
I will keep posting on Twitter in the interest of destroying it. But I encourage you to follow me on Instagram and TikTok at
@mrdavehill
. I am the best at those apps too. And watch my incredible comedy special "The Pride of Cleveland" on YouTube repeatedly. Link in bio.
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I’m in Germany. They don’t tolerate Nazis here. Nice change of pace from America.
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2017 is the year I stop dressing cute and start dressing really cute.
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@realDonaldTrump
@Colts
So disgraceful that 100% "legal" Americans kill way more Americans with guns than any "illegals," you fucking racist old bitch.
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Remember how Charles Manson spent life in prison not because he personally killed a bunch of people but because he inspired other people to kill a bunch of people?
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I still have no idea what DJ Khaled does besides not cunnilingus.
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Ever hear of a Yankees fan who collects Red Sox memorabilia? Me neither. Only Red Sox fans do that.
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@realDonaldTrump
But I thought you only hired the best people. Which is it, you fucking bitch?
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I’m old enough to remember when there were disgraced politicians.
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Dear all bands: Not everyone in the band has to have a beard. Start with the drummer and if you still suck, just add beards as needed.
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If you haven't watched my 83 year-old dad play "Stairway to Heaven" on piano yet, you have not lived:
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We must protect the God-given rights of scared old white men to prepare themselves for the hypothetical end times standoff between them and the troops they don’t want anyone disrespecting by kneeling during the national anthem at sports games! It’s in the Bible!
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How come everyone eats Chinese food directly from the container on TV but no one does this in real life?
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@jimmy_c34
@Lileddiemunster
@realDonaldTrump
@Colts
You said the shooters were black. This references victims.
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Does anyone else, when in the window seat on a plane, hold their pee for the entire flight rather than interact with humans in the form of asking them to get up?
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@realDonaldTrump
Pretty sure you won’t build that wall, bitch. Pelosi just brushed your teeth with her dick.
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@realDonaldTrump
@FoxNews
You call her "Horseface" but I guess she was hot enough to rawdog when your third wife was home with your new son, huh? You're a complicated guy, Jabba.
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@realDonaldTrump
Is that the same state where the crazy old white American guy killed 58 people at a concert?
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The saddest thing in the world to me right now is the fact that Jennifer Aniston is alone and no amount of smart water is gonna change that.
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Another way to look at the eclipse if you don't have special glasses is to cover your eyes with my dick. Sorry- damn autocorrect.
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@realDonaldTrump
Sit down and shut up, you old orange bitch. You're a global embarrassment.
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@realDonaldTrump
You think the coyotes are actual coyotes. I just know it. You fucking idiot.
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@realDonaldTrump
@foxandfriends
Did someone give you an old newspaper from when Obama was in office?
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@SpeakerRyan
Fuck you, Paul. Just fuck you. Your every move is a disgrace to everything MLK stood for. Again, fuck you.
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@realDonaldTrump
But when white American dudes shoot a bunch of children, you say and do nothing. Fuck you.
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Thinking of growing a sick ponytail and heading over to Guitar Center.
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My Twitter suspension has been lifted so I just wanted to say fuck Jeff Sessions.
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If Gwyneth Paltrow can just ski into whomever she wants without consequence, what’s to stop Angelina Jolie from running me over with a golf cart or Jennifer Aniston from beating the shit out of me with one of those swimming pool noodles?
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@realDonaldTrump
I look forward to taking a huge dump on your grave someday. I just hope the lines aren't too long.
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We will- by electing Hillary, you fucking shitbag.
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@realDonaldTrump
So nice to hear folks on both sides of the aisle pretty much call you a bitch at McCain's funeral yesterday.
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@Cobratate
One man steps forward and proclaims loudly "I am a fucking idiot." Congrats, Andrew!
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@realDonaldTrump
Should the human race survive, you will be held up as the prime example of idiocy for centuries to come. People will say "Get your head out of your ass, you fucking Trump."
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The hardest part about watching the Olympics is knowing that could be me out there if I had just felt like it.
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@realDonaldTrump
You have never opened a Bible in your life. Stop pandering to your base and go fuck a porn star like a real Trump, you orange bitch.
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Watched
#TheDirt
. Enjoyed it but was deeply disturbed by the fact that they had Mick Mars playing an Epiphone Les Paul in the band’s “early days” when everyone knows he played a Gibson Les Paul. Shame on you, prop master!
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@realDonaldTrump
Spare no expense, huh? How many rolls of paper towels you breaking out for them, chubbo?
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@DonaldJTrumpJr
Strongly agree. Why would you worry about your father when it’s obvious he has never given a fuck about you?
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Guy sitting next to me on this Delta flight just mocked me for wearing a mask so I got him moved out of Comfort+ to the very last row of the plane next to the bathroom. I rule.
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@realDonaldTrump
After you were "elected," I had the faintest hope that you might not be as horrible as expected. But you've proven far worse, screwing over your working class base even more than you screw people like me who oppose you. We are all coming for you in 2018. Happy New Year, bitch.
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Benedict Cumberbatch just freed me from the trunk of my car.
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Is it just me or is it getting to be time to storm the fucking castle?
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Attention mothers of racists: The
#UniteTheRight
rally is the perfect time to get that basement cleaned while your adult virgin son is out running around in an ill-fitting golf shirt and your bicycle helmet.
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@realDonaldTrump
Hey, bitch, what ever happened with that first caravan you were crying about at the midterms? Oh yeah- nothing. Fuck off.
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Sometimes I think the Trump arraignment is just a distraction from how Gwyneth Paltrow intentionally skis into me and a lot of other people.
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@TeamTrump
@kayleighmcenany
The very definition of fake news. Also fire the soundman who put your microphone against your throat.
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@realDonaldTrump
@ICEgov
@CBP
As a Christian I wonder- How can you live the teachings of Christ and support Trump, who goes against everything Christ taught us?
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Just requested a table for six at this restaurant. Gonna sit here alone for an hour before I break down crying. I make my own fun.
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Just got grabbed two different flavors from an oatmeal variety pack, mixed that shit, and am now eating it with a complete disregard for any possible consequences. I am living this shit minute to minute and you can either get on board or the get the fuck out of the way.
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@realDonaldTrump
You are a sexual predator and have no right to speak on this topic. Shut the fuck up, bitch.
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I literally fucking give up.
Dressbarn, the women's clothing chain that's been around for nearly 60 years, is closing all 650 of its stores:
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Just said “Looks like it’s warming up” to the hardware store guy. I cut straight through all the bullshit every time.
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So much negativity being focused on
@realdonaldtrump
these days, so I just wanted to take a moment to tell
@speakerryan
to go fuck himself.
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Once Fidel asked me if I could get him Viagra. "Why?" I asked. "For my Cuban missile crisis," he said. Then we laughed for 20 minutes.
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@realDonaldTrump
Because the tax cuts only help the rich and you know that, bitch. Fuck you.
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Hot tip: Start a conversation with someone about jazz today only pronounce it as "jass" the whole time. Say it a lot.
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@realDonaldTrump
@FLOTUS
Kind of impossible when you’re gassing toddlers, fuckface. Suck my balls.
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