MJ Simpson
@mjsimpsonfilms
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1,042
Following
444
Media
4,678
Statuses
32,398
They say you should only regret the things you didn't do. For example, I didn't win £95,000.
Leicester, UK
Joined April 2013
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Pinned Tweet
Today's second sartorial purchase. I actually wanted a shirt to wear while drinking tea, but they gave me this.
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@fesshole
My father died in 2019 but each year since, on Father's Day, I stop by his old house to watch him putting out the wheely bin.
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@fesshole
Clean sheets night is a special night. If it happened every week it wouldn't be special.
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@fesshole
Offer him concrete evidence that he's wrong. If you can't do that, you need to start considering whether some of the things you assume to be true might not be. Sounds like your dad is the one with an open mind.
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@NoContextBrits
All MPs of all parties, and their families, should be legally required to get all their healthcare on the NHS. It would all be sorted soon enough then.
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@fesshole
I think I see the problem here. You're listening to her. Have you considered not paying the blindest bit of attention to anything she says? It has saved many marriages.
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@fesshole
People who doubt this could happen have clearly never worked in a large bureaucracy. I am in awe. This person is living the dream.
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@Nigella_Lawson
@craiguk1983
My wife phoned and asked me "Would you like to come home at lunchtime for a quickie?"
I said "I think you'll find, my love, that it's pronounced 'keesh'."
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@deminimismusic
No point invading Switzerland. Their only plunderable resources are snow and chocolate, and both of those melt before you get them home.
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@OldRoberts953
Reminds me of the story of the fellow at a posh white-tie do in the 1940s who cannot remember the name of the lady he's speaking to. Hoping to get a clue, he asks "And your husband, is he still in the same job?" "Oh yes," she replies, "he's still the King."
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@chrissteinplays
Is is that he never goes to supermarkets, or do American supermarkets not have this?
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@fesshole
Wow, defrauding a small independent retailer. You're really sticking it to The Man, dude.
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@fesshole
This is going to blow your mind, but pictures of naked woman are available for free all over the internet.
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@SVPhillimore
Don't forget to put your clocks back 40 years tonight as East German Summer Time starts at midnight.
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I see lots of people who lambasted Trump for not accepting the result of the 2020 election are now tweeting about Hillary Clinton and the 2016 election with the hashtag
#SheWon
. These people have no selfawareness, do they?
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@AndrewRawson11
I don't think it's unreasonable for a museum covering the history of public transport to charge people who choose to go there by private car.
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All this stuff about "A.I.", I've not been following because it's very boring, but what's obvious is that this is not any sort of A.I., is it? It's just a bunch of algorithms smooshing stuff together. It's like those 'hoverboards' a few years ago that had wheels.
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@anon_opin
Your own driving would be hugely improved (and safer for everyone else) if you actually understood how roundabouts work.
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@StephenCVGraham
The Iraq War ended in 2011, 13 years ago. The equivalent for Nam would be 1988. Full Metal Jacket, Hamburger Hill and Platoon were all released in 1987/7. So I think the answer to your query is: yes.
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I thought there were no good scifi films coming out soon, then I spotted a poster for '2.0' sequel to amazing 2010 Bollywod film 'Robot'. Opens Thursday in UK. I cannot wait!
#2Point0
@rajinikanth
@akshaykumar
@karanjohar
@arrahman
!
@LycaProductions
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@JamesAHogg2
There are comedians working today whose entire career hasn't been as funny as those 45 seconds.
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@paul_haine
I think the take-away from this is how bland and tasteless that awful squeezy American 'mustard' is.
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@joerichlaw
Who amongst us has not accidentally included someone else's qualifications on our own CV? The last one I submitted to a job application had my brother's A-levels, my neighbour's date of birth and my uncle's phone number. Could happen to anyone.
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@DreyfusJames
If trans-identifying males have a 'right' of access to women's spaces, the women no longer have the right of privacy. It's that simple. It actually is a pie.
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@anon_opin
I agree. Why would anyone who hasn't eaten anything for eight hours be hungry? That's insane.
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@fesshole
Similarly, I would love to have a pet leopard. But instead I watch them on TV or at the zoo and, on the whole, I think that's a better option. (I do have a child. That's what makes me long for the relative calm and cleanliness of a pet leopard.)
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@metpoliceuk
@ExploringAlway
She didn't say "you're not allowed to sing", she said "you're not allowed to sing church songs." If it's a busking law, why was she specific about what sort of song is or isn't acceptable?
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@fesshole
He was probably worried that you had hired him in the hope he would split you in half.
Sorry: 'saw'! Saw you in half!
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@Jennijapanime
@KatieGoldin
The mara is a rodent that thinks it's a tiny deer. Baby maras are therefore the world's smallest quasi-deer. And they redefine adorable.
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@babybeginner
And yet we have mare, sow, ewe, doe etc. We can manage it for other species, so why not humans?
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@fesshole
I don't understand. You're on Twitter. It's packed with attractive young women, with few or no followers, looking for romance. I bet half a dozen reply to what I'm typing now.
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Last night's
#InsideNo9
was a huge inside joke for those of us who know Hammer made the On The Buses films. The segue from saucy comedy to gothic horror was brilliantly done. Kudos to
@Robin_Askwith
@ReeceShearsmith
&
@SP1nightonly
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@anon_opin
The mental health benefits of waking up naturally instead of being dragged out of bed by an alarm clock five mornings a week cannot be measured.
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@MailOnline
Well, that's just appalling. Obviously he should have stuck googly eyes onto the painting. That would have been much funnier.
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@fesshole
Don't know who that is. Guess it's a generational thing. My role model as a father was this legend.
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@anon_opin
People on here saying "I need it for this", "I need it for that", all citing things that people had no problem doing in the past in cars that were just, you know, car-sized.
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@Leighlines
@quantinghome
@bathnesld
@Wera_Hobhouse
@FreeBathStreets
Ah, the main road into a small city famous for its narrow, convoluted streets, mostly laid out 200-300 years ago.
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@mattleys
Well, if I can't take my drone, my hi-vis vest, my blow-torch, my gazebo, my sombrero and my ski-mask, I'm not bloody going.
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@JAHeale
@ElectCalculus
@findoutnow
Whatever your political affiliation, it is NEVER a good thing for one party to have a majority that size. It renders the opposition utterly toothless and destroys the importance of Parliamentary debate.
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@fesshole
Fluids such as gravy or custard, yes. Also very tiny particulate matter. Anything larger, and you're looking at a blockage. Maybe not this week, maybe not next week, but one day...
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@LeoKearse
To save everyone else googling.
I'm intrigued by the idea that there could be 10 'Abrosexual FAQs'.
Q1. What?
Q2. No, sorry. What?
Q3. What are you on about?
Q4. Do your carers know you're out?
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@fesshole
You 'noticed'. You were naked with ten other men and you just happened to 'notice' the state of everyone's front lawn. Yeah, sure.
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@DreyfusJames
My reading of this is that she didn't complain or object, she merely questioned what the pronouns were for. I can think of only three situations where even questioning something is heretical: religious cults, totalitarian political regimes, and gender ideology.
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@eohiggins
My late dad has been putting out that wheely bin for the past four years. I check in on him each Father's Day.
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@e_howcroft
@Reuters
Tulip bulbs! Get your tulip bulbs here! Rare and collectable! Guaranteed to continually increase in value forever!
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@NevilleThropes
@BrightonWstones
@DouglasKMurray
@Glinner
@DreyfusJames
@Waterstones
I would never buy anything from
@Waterstones
- awful company with no moral values at all. I hope they eventually go the way of all other book chains. And you know what? You can buy all the same books easier, cheaper and quicker online. Or you can support independent bookshops.
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@nytimes
If these men looked like King Charles, they would also look like each other. There's your first clue.
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@anon_opin
I don't think you understand anything about universities, let alone the 'whole concept'.
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@Jebadoo2
There's no pride flag outside my local greengrocers. All the local gays are standing outside on the pavement, wondering where they can buy a lettuce now.
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@anon_opin
When a waiter brings the bill, they should bring the card machine as well so I can pay it there and then. I don't want to glance at it then wait ten minutes for them to come back.
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@fesshole
Everyone knows that if you meet two ladies who look like they might be mother and daughter you assume they're sisters. If they are, no harm done. If you were right the first time, you've made someone's mum's day.
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@fairplaywomen
Breaking news: Tyson Fury now bookies' favourite for gold medal in Flyweight category after identifying as 110lb.
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Remember when people liked David Tennant? When he was in Dr Who and seemed like a really cool and nice guy, before we found out he really, really hates strong women and thinks children shouldn't be allowed to just be themselves.
During his speech at the British LGBT Awards, David Tennant told Tory politician Kemi Badenoch to 'shut up'
'Until we wake up and Kemi Badenoch doesn’t exist anymore… I don’t wish ill of her, I just wish her to shut up'
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@fesshole
Do you also drink tea by putting a teabag in your mouth, drinking some boiling water, then sipping a bit of milk?
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@WitchyMcWitch
Boy George and Annie Lennox, each of whom was a poster boy/girl for gender nonconformity in their day.
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@fesshole
"He's insanely good looking, but the bathroom needs at least an hour after he's finished."
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@anon_opin
It's amazing how easily a rear windscreen wiper can get caught up in clothing and accidentally ripped off then thrown over a nearby hedge.
#CarWankers
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@fesshole
There's a special club for people I would never share a packet of crisps with. Membership is free.
And you're in.
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@anon_opin
You can spend 20 quid on a bottle of wine.
But you should always party like it's £19.99.
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@fesshole
I was walking through the town centre wearing a bowler hat. With my waxed moustache, this makes me look like Hercule Poirot. A car went past and someone yelled "Hey! Sherlock Holmes!"
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@fesshole
You should have an elderly solicitor invite all your surviving relatives to a creepy, isolated old house for the reading of the will.
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@MrDomDeG
@paul_haine
Yes, it's certainly appropriate to put mustard that doesn't taste of mustard on a sausage that doesn't taste of sausage in a bun that doesn't taste of bread.
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@pile_joanne
How would they propose she deals with her lack of fitness? Maybe she could ... go to a gym?
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@fesshole
This seems reasonable. It's unpleasant for other staff having to work next to someone who smells of cigarettes, and in a customer-facing role that would actually lose trade. Plus for some people with asthma even secondhand smoke can be a serious health problem.
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@fesshole
Posh middle class person: "Blah blah something 'skillet' something."
Normal people: "?"
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@fesshole
I live in Leicester and even I prefer Taytos to Walkers. When we visited Belfast on a British Isles cruise this year I took a bus from the port to the city centre just to go into a newsagent and buy packs of Taytos.
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@Birdyword
The festivals demanded: "It's your choice: sponsor us or continue to work in your core business." And BG said: "We'll take the core business option, thanks." Hilarious!
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@andrewlawrence
When Groucho said "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." he was being zany. When Stephen Fry says it, he's just being a privileged, posh, hypocrite.
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@anon_opin
One of the many reasons we would never move to London is because it's full of people like you.
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@HiraethResists
Enough with the still photos. I want to see the video of it stalking through the forest.
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@AnnaSkrebels
I don't think his gym does open early so he can swim on his own. I bet it's just everyone else waits till he's gone before turning up.
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Am I alone in finding the On The Buses films much funnier than the actual series?
This is from Mutiny On The Buses (1972) hope you’re all having a brilliant day 😀👍
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@juicemaster
She says "my followers" but there's probably only about four of them. Good for Bench Man. I'd have done exactly the same thing.
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