Mike Keenan
@mikekeenan
Followers
1,259
Following
2,394
Media
2,209
Statuses
16,969
Comedian, Dad, Husband. Not necessarily in that order. Playing Age : Middle.
England
Joined January 2009
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Pinned Tweet
"I'll do the jokes mate... you shut your mouth"
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They'll be fine. Yesterday you were telling us how easy it is to row across The Channel.
Scramble to get home from France begins: Holidaymakers face paying hundreds of pounds to return to UK
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@QueenRMade1
Look, I’m no royalist but his elderly father has been diagnosed with cancer and his wife has just undergone surgery. I’d imagine he’s a bit strung out.
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Because they couldn’t, I will summarise this statement.
Joey Barton is a cunt.
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For everyone complaining about Ascot going ahead with 17000 attendees, what you have to remember is that due to centuries of inbreeding it’s still only a two family gathering.
#Ascot
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Neil Parish MP is to resign after admitting to viewing porn which he thought was a tractor website.
Matters only got worse when his wife found out and wrote him a John Deere letter.
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Tragically cut short.
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Harry Potter is a printed book. It was created as a printed book and to suggest that it can somehow switch into being an audio book is ridiculous.
J K Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone topped Audible’s 2022 bestseller chart.
Read here:
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They never ask for ID in here.
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I see increasing numbers of dead people.
Bruce Willis asked to leave pharmacy for refusing to wear a mask
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Nothing says “we’re all in this together” like a fucking chandelier.
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This is such a haunting photo. Whatever you think about Larry Vaughn's record as Mayor of Amity, it's impossible not to feel sorry for him as a person.
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And that’s how you know the results show was recorded yesterday.
@CraigDavid
chills on Sunday.
#StrictlyComeDancing
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Everyone who has been smart today via the
#usepens
push has clearly forgotten about these bad boys...
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If you want to make sure people are staying 2 meters apart... use a Ruler.
#TheQueen
#QueensSpeech
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Ok, NOW we should close our borders.
🚨 NEW: Nigel Farage has just landed in Australia after signing a £1.5 MILLION deal to appear on I'm A Celeb - the highest fee ever paid
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I got ID'd at a Wetherspoons earlier.
It turns out that they just wanted to check the colour of my passport.
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I’ve just read an article in The Times about how we should introduce legislation around whether we should treat machines and artificial intelligence the same as human beings.
I think we should first focus on treating all human beings as human beings.
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Just sent my youngest off for World Book Day dressed as “Engine” from the Haynes Manual for a Ford Cortina mk2 1600e GT.
#WorldBookDay
#readingisfun
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He just needs space.
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A perfectly normal headline from a fully functional, normal country.
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Stuck at Heathrow and wondering why the runway wasn't cleared quicker... take a look at their method.
http://yfrog.com/h7wbtj
#uksnow
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The drone corgi has broken free and was last seen rampaging through Croydon.
The RAF have been dispatched.
May God have mercy on our souls.
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If you were in any doubt of
@ThisIsTomLittle
’s genius. This is the queue 40 minutes before his show.
#OneManFestival
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If you hold a shell company up to your ear, you can hear Boris Johnson doing a deal with his mates.
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@Tardis_Central
100 complaints from the millions who watched it demonstrates that these people are dinosaurs.
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I’m a very proud dad tonight after seeing
@Jennykeenanan
smash her stand-up debut
@frogandbucket
.
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She’s been!
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Spare a thought for Musk. In order to fund his Twitter bid, he’s had to cancel his Edinburgh accommodation.
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We’re settling into an evening “out” at the theatre. For the full effect, we’re taking our seats early, we’ve all been to the toilet and at the interval I’m going to charge the kids £14.50 for a handful of warm Minstrels.
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Just a quick reminder for those of you voting UKIP this evening, you stick your ballot paper into one of these.
#vote
http://t.co/P1exKyiefw
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21 years married this very morning to this stunner.
Happy Anniversary Cheryl, here’s to the rest of forever.
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“They” won’t let you say “Christmas” anymore because “it’s January”.
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Don’t you hate it when you get to the gym and your favourite machine isn’t working?
Sorry, McDonalds. I meant McDonalds.
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@mrdanwalker
Wait until Matt Hancock gets in there. Owen will believe we had sufficient PPE in 2020.
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Say what you like about the Tories but I think they’re doing a great job of restoring this great country to what it once was.
A feral wasteland with a life expectancy of 16.
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“I can’t believe I’ve had an hour of sleep stolen from me!” he cries at 02:42 while doomscrolling Twitter.
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Overheard an old fella at the back of tonight’s gig in Liverpool bemoaning my swearing.
“You won’t hear Ken Dodd carrying on like that”.
And he’s absolutely correct.
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Google “Leith Arches” if you don’t know.
Bravo Leith. Fuck that guy.
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My new phone is suggesting some old photos to review and has thrown up this gem from Edinburgh 2014.
I Killed Rasputin by
@Herring1967
with one of the greatest tag lines in the history of The Fringe.
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There’s clearly no truth to the rumour that
@FoxNews
are struggling for content since Trump left office.
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When I try to do crowd work with anyone under the age of thirty.
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I bought Child 2 a life size cut out of Danny Devito for his birthday.
I now regularly jump out of my skin when crossing the landing.
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My wife is fuming because she wanted to run a bath but I’ve filled it with diesel.
I hope she doesn’t try to calm down by putting the kettle on.
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Make your job something you’ll love and you’ll work every evening and weekend, slaving over making everything perfect on a fruitless attempt to not fail at your dream life.
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You should probably have researched that before you opened the church.
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You’ll get decent odds on “Resign in shame”.
What do you think will be the first thing Liz Truss does as Prime Minister?
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I’m sure there are no bad times to travel into Wales for a comedy festival but the country is really showing a bit of leg today.
Right
@machcomedyfest
let’s be having you.
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My brother has spent the last few years developing a game in his spare time, on buses, outside his kids music lessons etc. Today it’s out on PC and Nintendo Switch and it’s available for preorder on XBOX too.
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Given everything that’s come to light since, is there any chance we could have a replay of the 2010 General Election?
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My wife is away with the kids for a few days.
I’ve eaten Monster Munch for every meal and I just went to the toilet without removing my VR headset.
If she doesn’t come home, I’ll probably be dead by Tuesday.
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I thought Dennis Nilsen was the fella from It’ll be Alright on the Night.
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24 years to the day since Princess Diana was killed and Geronimo The Alpaca is put down.
Coincidence?
Yes.
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Last night
@VauxhallComedy
was properly lovely. You would never have known it was a Monday and that the footie was on outside.
Great work by
@MissAHaddow
running the night, every one of the acts and the great
@FernBrady
closing.
(The new lighting is *very* effective too).
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This idiot has got a joke on BBC Radio tonight.
10:30pm, Newsjack, BBC Radio 4 Extra.
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I once founded a country that I called “The Land of The Free and The Home of The Brave” and then filled it with slavery and people who are terrified of pronouns.
Happy 4th of July.
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@BBCSport
Next up : Tommy Fury vs that girl from TikTok who bangs her back and falls over going “Ah!”
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If he really wanted to look like a lunatic, he should have bought Everton.
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Last night
@Jennykeenanan
and I hit The Fringe. She first came up here in 2014 and on our last night she said something which made me start stand up. We’ve done every festival since.
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I’ve had to take our dog out to a bonfire tonight as he’s afraid of
@michaellegge
’s dancing on
#strictly
.
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Say what you like about The Conservatives but they're doing a phenomenal job of getting this country back to what it used to be.
A feral wasteland with a life expectancy of 13.
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I know it’s not a Christmas film but at this time of year I traditionally rewatch Peter Pan.
Never gets old.
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Oh here he is… sticking his head out, feeling safe because McDonalds are out of ammunition.
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... There will be a minute's silence at 12:27 today and wherever you are, I'd encourage you to stop and remember the loss and the fact that Warrington responded with hope and work toward peace, not hatred.
#Warrington
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One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, Three rings to let your mum know you’re home safe.
#TheRingsOfPower
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