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my experience in an ed psych ward 🏥
- part 1
[ a very long thread for edtwt ]
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edtwt would anyone be interested in a thread about life in an ed psych ward? i spent three months there and it also involves sh bpd and other disorders
i think it’d be very useful
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for example, having a minimum weight loss over a period of time, showing regular anorexic behavior (we all know what i’m talking about), etc. i know this sounds so validating for us but it’s all bs, wdym i don’t have the right to recover just bc i didn’t lose 15kgs in a month ???
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edtw how is malnourished may going so far
i am so locked in 😎
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turned into massive may 😔
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we were divided into 6 people per table, and 2 of them were like ‘moderators’ (basically people who had shown an improvement had this function) so once we were done (or we thought we were) we had to show them our plate and they would ‘approve’ or ‘disapprove’ it
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these were the mealtimes:
9:30-10:30: breakfast
11:30-12: mid morning snack
14-15:30: lunch
18-18:30: evening snack
and after that we would have dinner at home.
ik an hour and a half just to have lunch sounds so long but trust me, there were people who couldn’t make it.
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first of all, my first language isn’t english so i’ll try my best not to make any mistakes.
also, i tried to make it funnier by including some pics, don’t take them seriously 😝
this is just MY experience, how everything worked when i was here. obvs other wards may be different.
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also i know for bulimia it was required to binge x times a week, it just makes no sense but anyways, let’s move on.
luckily we wouldn’t spend the night there, only if you got worse you’d be sent to an actual 24h ward. we were there from 9:30am to 6:30pm from monday to friday.
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i also want to say that although this helped me to understand ed’s and made me see the world differently, i still think it’s not worth the time and the money.
i DON’T advise anyone to get to the point where they need to be here. please, try to recover at home at your own pace.
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to put things in context, i spent here my whole 2020 summer. it was recommended by my therapist after i told her i had developed an ed during the quarantine. before that i was already obsessed with my body and food for years but covid made it worse, so i was forced into recovery.
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they say you can’t gain one kg of pure fat overnight but what if today i had literally 8000 cals? that’d be possible right?
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we all had the same food except for the people with bed who actually had to lose weight, so they were given whole wheat bread and stuff like that.
this is what we’d usually have for each meal (it varied everyday and obvs they wouldn’t tell us what the menu for the day was):
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however, the therapists were all very patient and kind and encouraged us to eat. we also tried to help each other but it was hard as obvs we were all disordered and everything was triggering. the atmosphere was TERRIBLE and there was always people crying, screaming or panicking.
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before getting admitted, i had an appointment with the therapist and the psychiatrist. i also had to bring my blood tests results and once i got diagnosed with ana-r they told me i could start my treatment. to get diagnosed you had to prove you were the best (in my case) ana
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now we get to the real question, how did things around food work? let me tell you.
the first thing i was told was that saying the name of the food was forbidden, so we had to refer to it as just ‘food’. we couldn’t name or talk about the ingredients, how it was made, etc.
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also, imagine we accidentally dropped ONE PEA. we had to tell them so they would give us another one 😭 and also, some fruits were so hard to finish since the fiber ig ?? was like stack to the stone. specifically with this one, i’d spend like 5 mins trying to take it out.
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plates they could ‘scold’ us. we couldn’t complain about having more food than someone else either, and ofc even if we genuinely didn’t like it we still had to eat it. there were no excuses, unless their religion didn’t allow someone to eat something (like judaism with pork).
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breakfast: two toasts with butter and jelly or oil and ham and a glass of milk / milkshake or milk with cereal
mid morning snack: fruit / nuts / yogurt / milkshake
lunch: two courses and a piece of bread. ie 1 lentils soup 2 chicken with rice. for dessert, fruit / yogurt.
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if we still had a bit of sauce on the plate they would tell us to keep licking it or smth like that. they’d also tell us to eat faster or slower since we all had to eat more or less at the same pace. if they noticed we were comparing amounts of food or looking at other people’s
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then it became one of my fear foods. she died of cancer in 2017 btw. no one asked but i just wanted to tell y’all cause this got everyone in the room emotional).
if i had fully recovered then, i’d probably consider the workshops useful, but i’m still here so idk actually.
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evening snack: chocolate spread or oil and ham or butter and chorizo sandwich / chocolate pastry / madeleines / cereal bar / fruit with a milkshake / a glass of milk
the amount of food on the pics above is pretty accurate and for the ones below, it’s literally what they gave us
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as i always called it, death vibes 💀 it was literally a hospital with those awful bright lights and disordered people everywhere (wow surprise) threatening with killing themselves or starving forever. obvs i was there bc i was one of them but idk that situation felt surreal.
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per meal, but during the time i was there we could get two bc it was summer and super hot. also, we couldn’t leave the water for the end or drink it asap, we had to have like a proper pace when eating and drinking. the forks were barely sharp enough to cut and sometimes
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we struggled peeling the fruits. this made sense since there were A LOT of people who self harmed and it could be triggering. these people were told to always have bandages on their cuts and scars so we couldn’t see anything.
i forgot to say, before lunch and
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we had a paper napkin but we couldn’t use it that often since there were people getting sauce or oil on their lips on purpose and then trying to wipe it off. we couldn’t cut the food before eating either, we had to cut it as we ate, and there was only one glass of water allowed,
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mid evening snack we were allowed to go to the toilet, but there were always one or two moderators literally watching us. after lunch, we could go to the toilet too but just to brush our teeth, always with the door open. we couldn’t stand up after eating, we had to sit down.
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there was a 24h psych ward too for people with cd so if the ones who had both an ed and a cd (pls pick a struggle 😭) were getting worse at their cd, they’d be sent to the cd ward.
the 24h was our motivation not to relapse as people who had been there said it was awful.
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we couldn’t leave the table until we had eaten everything, it didn’t matter if we were crying or struggling, those were the rules. if we refused to eat, obviously the therapists wouldn’t force us physically, but then we would get a punishment (usually more food for the next meal)
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the workshops could be fun, boring or triggering, sometimes they got deep (i remember once we had to draw a place where we used to be happy and i drew an apartment on the beach i used to go with my mom in summer. she made sausages with onion gravy and it was so good,
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so yeah that was it. i’m sorry it took that long, i tried to explain everything in detail but maybe some parts were tmi. if you have any questions feel free to ask!
thank you for reading and please take care of yourselves, i love y’all!! 💗💗
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anyways, between meals, this was the schedule:
10:30-11:30: educational workshop
12-13:30: group therapy
15:30-17: group therapy
17-18: educational workshop
we got a personal therapist and had a session with her every week too. all the therapists were women since 95% of
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think about its meaning” or “let’s make our ed out of clay and tell it what it’s done to us”. even if it wasn’t related to the ed we still found a way to bring it up since we were so deep in it 💀
(just a random pic i found but this could be my ed lmao i have 0 skills)
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sometimes we would have a ‘face your fears 🤩’ day. ie we had to wear a top or something we didn’t feel comfortable wearing, or maybe the food was more ‘calorie dense’ than usual, it could mean anything, and we always ended up panicking.
(us everyday when it was 40°c outside)
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and if we weren’t doing anything sus we’d get our health checked bc some people got thyroid problems from the ed.
ofc we could lie but it’d be hard to pretend to be getting better while trying to lose weight when we had 4/5 meals there everyday and our parents watched us 24/7.
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we also had a mindfulness session on thursdays and every week one of us had to prepare their own workshop to do with the rest of people.
lastly, we had a daily weigh in before lunch and obv we weren’t allowed to see the number on the scale. if we had lost weight, they’d tell us
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us were girls between 12-30 so we could get closer to a woman. ofc boys were allowed too but i only remember to be 2 out of like 40 people. there was only one therapist who was a man so both of the boys had their personal session with him.
during the group therapy, we were
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therapy notebook so as we talked, someone was writing down what we were saying (not literally but a summary). also, moderators and therapists could ‘scold’ people again if, ie someone was falling asleep, showing compulsive behavior like moving their feet or leg constantly,
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- part 2:
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- no haircuts, different style, new piercings, tattoos or nails, basically any drastic change in appearance was forbidden.
- no eating out.
- no exercise.
- we couldn’t be alone. never.
- no belts, since we could be measuring our body.
- no shopping.
- no entering the kitchen.
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asked to talk about something at least once or twice a week. it could be anything, an issue we had, a meal we couldn’t finished, a situation that got us mad, and if we couldn’t think of anything we’d just talk about our thoughts or the healing process. everyone had their own
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in a while, until they get released.
this is how it my ward worked, it was ed focused but conduct disorder and bpd were treated as well in different units. people with more than one disorder had a combined treatment and they had to attend sessions with both groups.
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between mealtimes or eating out with friends would be a sign of progress, but for someone with bulimia or bed it could trigger a binge. however, if they spontaneously got a treat and didn’t end up binging later, it’d be also considered an improvement and smth to be proud of.
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improved enough, that person could get ‘upgraded’ to ‘stage 2✨’, meaning they didn’t have to come in the evenings or in the mornings, or they had straight some day off. if they kept progressing, they’d get to the stage 3, where they only had to come for a therapy session once
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the therapists were also planning on going to the beach together with people from the conduct disorder group, but we started freaking out and refused to participate so we didn’t go in the end lol
if after some time (usually 3-6 months) all the therapists considered someone had
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if we had lost weight on purpose they’d tell our parents and they all would give us even more food. if we refused to eat, exercised or engaged in any ed behavior again we would be sent to the actual 24h ward. but as we got better we’d get benefits too (i’ll explain later)
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biting their nails, picking or scratching their skin, etc, meaning they were anxious, and they would write it down as well.
about the workshops, they were different every day and most of them were (or tried to be) therapeutic. we did things like “let’s listen to this song and
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obviously you can just stop paying and not go anymore if you want, but you wouldn’t be recovered then, and that’s what we were supposed to want.
i already explained the theory so now i am going to talk about my experience and what i think in general (just me yapping lmao)
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- the bathroom had to be always unlocked.
- every full body mirror in the house had to be covered.
- no scales.
- no bodychecks.
- no makeup, only lip balm and hand cream.
there were also rules based on each ed for obvious reasons. ie for an anorexic having a snack
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now that i explained how everything worked inside the ward, let’s move on to the actual rules:
- all the rules inside were applied outside as well. that meant dinner HAD to consist of two courses, bread and dessert with approx the same amount of food we had there, always served
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@MenherazStrx
i was just exaggerating but yeah there was a minimum required as if just our obsession with our bodies and weight wasn’t enough
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there were people who needed weekly or monthly appointments with the psychiatrist as they were taking meds and were always supervised since there had been issues with people trying to spit them out or hide them.
so after having our evening snack, we had to wait for someone to
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pick us up bc we weren’t allowed to leave by ourselves unless we were almost fully recovered. some people who refused to eat stayed until the ward closed and their parents had to wait for them. then, we’d go home and by the time we got back it’d already be almost dinner time.
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something good about our day. then, one of our parents would read it every night and sign it to prove everything was true. our therapist would read it next morning and write down notes like ‘omg that’s so nice 😌’, ‘do you want to talk about it later?’ etc.
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were doing it right. i forgot to mention that we had a personal notebook (not the one for therapy) where we wrote down every single day the meals we had and what time, if we had pooped, someone from the ward we had talked with (they were trying us to have people to rely on) and
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by our parents and ofc we had to keep the eating pace, lick everything, no comparing plates, no comments or questions about the food, ingredients or how it’s made, no toilet or standing after eating, etc. we also had to face fear foods at home and couldn’t leave until finished.
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(i wrote this here since i don’t want to start another thread, i swear i’m almost done 😭)
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show up, we would automatically worry bc even if we had never self harmed, we were at risk of suicide.
listening to people’s stories during group therapy made me realize how cruel the world is. i had always heard the news and knew about what was going on in other places
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those were the general rules at the beginning of the treatment, but as we got better we could ask the therapist if we could eat out for example, as they knew we weren’t going to try to restrict. anyways, we had to send our parents or a moderator a pic of our meal to make sure we
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some people didn’t accept the fact that they had an ed and they were just stuck there, they refused to eat and talk with us. i thought it must be so sad seeing how other people get better, improve their mental health and get permission to do things and enjoy life again.
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if someone was having a bad time trying to eat, almost everyone would (cause yk, we’re all competing to be the best anas here), and i remember going back home in tears bc the situation was getting worse for some people and we were all just low. or if one day someone didn’t
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come and we all thought the worst. we tried to call her but she didn’t answer. then we found out she had been sent to the 24h cd ward.
idk why i’m telling y’all all this, but being here changed my vision of life and everyday i remember those months as some of the worst.
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first of all, if you’re here you HAVE to be willing to recover. i know it wasn’t your decision and you were forced into recovery, so unless you want your family to waste their money while you waste your time, just recover. for you, your health and your future.
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also, as i said before, the atmosphere there is terrible, depressing, dreadful. i have no other way to describe it. there were moments when we were laughing about some random thing but every time we had to eat many people were struggling so the general mood turned off.
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everything was supervised and controlled, it just didn’t feel natural. why do i have to ask for permission to get my hair trimmed or go shopping with my friends? i missed my 1-week school trip too bc it was shortly after i got admitted so i was still not allowed to go.
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we should get a refund for the calories we didn’t enjoy cause bro fr i chose not to listen to my ed for once and what i ate tasted like shit
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for her to do that. she also had cd, but apparently was doing better since she had been there for a long time. one day she started screaming and crying during therapy, the sh got worse and started saying she was going to lose all the weight she had gained. next week she didn’t
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another person in bad circumstances to realize it’s actually that deep.
on my first day there, just before breakfast i met a lovely girl. she was 13 and while we were talking, i noticed she had her wrist covered with bandages. i thought how messed up her life had to be
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but it wasn’t until i heard about a really fucked up situation from someone closer, who was suffering from both ana and bpd, that i thought ‘i’m done, i have to fight’. and it’s funny bc i’ve always considered i have a pretty hard life too, but you always need
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obvs my dad considered i was recovered (enough) to let me drop out, and i really was, but a month later i relapsed. next summer i chose to recover at home. otherwise i’d have to get back here, and i can assure you recovery by yourself is better than being forced at a ward.
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even if it was helpful for some people who went through all the stages and got released, and also for me at some extent, i don’t think this is the best way to recover from an ed. it’s true that i got better, but there were too many rules and i felt i had no freedom at all.
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and people you’re surrounded with have to be willing to help you too, and that means following the rules and not listening to you when you want to, for example, get a salad instead of what you’re supposed to. the ward assumes they won’t let you do anything that’s not planned.
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i’m not even physically hungry but i be thinking about food all the time SOMEONE SEDATE ME
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- part 3:
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i wasn’t supposed to end my treatment in september, but did it anyways since even tho they let me go to high school in the mornings, i was still required to come to the ward in the evenings but i didn’t want to quit my 8 years piano career tbh. so i just stopped paying and left.
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i just binged again oml i’d rather pay someone to lock me in their basement and starve me atp i’m so sick of this
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the fact that i won’t be able to wear my summer clothes i’ve had for years because my fat ass decided to start binging is killing me
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- part 1:
my experience in an ed psych ward 🏥
- part 1
[ a very long thread for edtwt ]
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- part 1:
my experience in an ed psych ward 🏥
- part 1
[ a very long thread for edtwt ]
10
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2K
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- part 2:
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i’m making it rn, i’ll tag everyone i promise !! 🫶🏼
edtwt would anyone be interested in a thread about life in an ed psych ward? i spent three months there and it also involves sh bpd and other disorders
i think it’d be very useful
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apparently this is the most caloric doughnut in the world with 1870 calories omg ???? anyways i would omad it and then fast for the next three days and i’d be SO HAPPY 😭
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i cant stand living in this body istg my only motivation in life is being skinny IM SICK OF THIS 😭😭😭😭
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70% acts recovered but clearly isn’t 30% junkorexic
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i’ve been disordered my whole life but this time 4 years ago i decided to take the weight loss seriously and still here we are
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@aura_calz
that was just mine! maybe other wards are not that strict. anyways, it’s better not to take the risk and try to stay at home as long as possible 🥲
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IM 54,6 WHO CHEERED ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
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