Mayor Brandon Johnson (Power to the Parody!)
@maybemayorbj
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Building a better, stronger, safer satire for all Chicagoans.
Joined April 2023
Standard & Poor’s does not appreciate our creativity in finding new sources of revenue. For instance, thousands of new stop sign cameras will generate millions of dollars a day once we roll them out across the city this summer.
Standard & Poor’s has dropped Chicago’s bond rating down a notch — from BBB+ to BBB. Anything below the lowest investment grade of BBB- is considered “junk.”
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Since everyone is mad that I spent $80,000 renovating the First Lady’s office, I’ve decided to change suppliers. I’m proud to announce that we were able to purchase a new 80” flatscreen for only $150 so she can rewatch Bridgerton at work. I will always fight for you, Chicago!.
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My administration is working hard to confront the migrant crisis by making Chicago into a city where no one would want to migrate.
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I’m proud to announce Chicago’s new first responder technology, ShooterHooter. It sends a signal to police cruisers when shots are detected nearby, and then a comforting AI voice says “warmer” as officers get closer to the shooting site, or “colder” if they go the wrong way.
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I am so tired of these raggedy reporters asking jacked up questions about city finances. Debt is only “expensive” if you intend to repay it.
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Peak6 leaving Chicago is great news. This company does options trading for rich white people. We don’t need them! We’re building a casino, which is basically options trading for poor people.
Peak6 moving HQ from Chicago to Austin
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For any interested buyers, the City of Chicago is offering a great deal on tents right now. Barely used. Sold as-is.
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I’m proud to announce the closing of the Grand Lux Café! This is an important first step towards my administration’s goal of adding a homeless shelter on every block of the Magnificent Mile.
JUST IN: Grand Lux Cafe has announced it is closing its doors after 21 years later this year.
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Once the Chicago City Council and I bring peace to the Middle East, we promise to solve the violence problem here in Chicago.
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I lead with accountability, so we’re announcing new rules of engagement for CPD. When someone shoots at police, officers must count the number of bullets fired and return only the same number of shots or less. Officers must reach consensus on shot totals before they can shoot.
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The City of Chicago will sue any business that installs riot glass. You have to give the looters a fighting chance.
Chicago Police recommend Riot Glass to prevent smash-and-grab crimes
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Today is the big day! The first 5000 people in the door at my inauguration will receive summer job vouchers. Hand these to any armed robbers you encounter in the city. They’ll put down the guns and pick up opportunity!.
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While everyone is sad to see the Pitchfork Music Festival leaving, Chicago will move forward on its own. I’m proud to announce that the city will pay Megan Thee Stallion and Lizzo $10 million to headline our new Twerking for Taxes Festival in summer 2025.
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For every pothole in Chicago, we’re going to add one of these curbs, but not fix the potholes.
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The only thing that makes “bad schools” bad is comparing them to good schools.if we get rid of the good schools, we also eliminate the bad schools.
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The 25 mph speed limit is only the first step in building a more sustainable, bike-friendly city. This winter, we’re going to roll out “No Need to Rush Hour Mondays” where all main streets in the city will be closed to automobile traffic from 7-9am and 4-6pm.
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In spite of these corporate departures, I’m optimistic about the future of Chicago. You see a half-empty office building. I see a half-full homeless shelter!.
United files a flight plan for a potential move of its corporate headquarters from Chicago to Denver. It's not a done deal; but the airline is clearly keeping its options open.
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The first 500 protestors who set up an encampment at the United Center this summer will receive a free @ChicagosMayor bobble head.
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There is a lot of vacant office space in downtown Chicago. To address this challenge, we’re going to tax the businesses that don’t move here even though they should.
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As part of my administration’s DEI commitments, I intend to appoint a Venezuelan migrant as Deputy Mayor for Socialist Transformation. Unfortunately, I can’t find a Venezuelan migrant who likes socialism, so I might have to appoint a white kid with blue hair from Logan Square.
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To all the new Chicagoans freezing on the street, I hope our good intentions make you feel a little warmer.
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At 6am tomorrow, @SouthwestAir will be providing warming planes for migrants on Columbus Dr in Grant Park.
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In only six months as mayor, I’ve made downtown commercial real estate affordable for everyone in Chicago!.
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Chicago, when I taught your kids, I let them fail without consequence. I hope you will show me the same courtesy. In my book, a 21% approval rate is passing!.
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Starting today, we will house migrants on the Navy Pier Ferris wheel. Each gondola will be equipped with a privacy screen, portable commode, space heater, and $25 @DoorDash gift card.
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Today the city of Chicago filed suit against @gucci for making their window displays so gosh darned tempting.
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The choice is clear. White supremacists want Black children to read and do math at or above grade level. CTU wants to liberate students AND teachers from oppressive standards of accountability. @GovPritzker give us our billions now!.
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I’m a silver lining guy. More robberies in expensive neighborhoods will soon make them affordable neighborhoods.
Lincoln Park’s robbery problem needs "hands on" solutions from the city and alderman, neighbors said.
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At this year’s Christkindlmarket in Daley Plaza, 25% of the stands will be boarded up to show solidarity with Loop storefronts.
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I’m proud to announce that @cta will be replacing the 66, 8, and 77 routes with zero carbon pedal buses. These mean green machines will be fitted with a burlap curtain recycled from our unused winterized tents.
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For a fraction of the cost of ShotSpotter, we’re going to install actual walkie-talkies on sticks outside neighborhood schools. We got a great deal from a company called Moh Saad Distributors out of Lebanon.
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To all my comrades in Chicago: please do not exercise your right to assemble peaceably at the @DemConvention. We need to nominate our unelected candidate without any dissent so we can save democracy.
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Chicago’s annual Christmas Brawl was especially festive this year. Too bad CPD was such a buzzkill.
A clip of this weekend's downtown chaos. People reported cars being jumped on, being beaten (sometimes robbed), multiple guns were recovered and at least one person was shot near the former Marshall Field's building on State Street. #Chicago
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Migrants are leaving their Chicago sanctuary. Even though we couldn’t find them housing, heat, safety, or employment, we hope they recognize that we said all the right things.
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Today is the day! We’re installing speed cameras around Grant Park so we can collect a little extra revenue from these @NASCAR drivers.
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There is simply too much stigma associated with the term “carjacking.” The city of Chicago will now refer to these incidents as “self-Ubering” in official communications.
Police are investigating a carjacking attempt outside a Gold Coast hotel and a successful carjacking in Boystown. They were reported about five hours apart overnight.
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Instead of ShotSpotter, we’re going to put those Safe Passage people with the yellow vests on the street for 24 hours a day. When they hear gunshots, they can rush to the nearest pay phone to call 911.
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Being Mayor of Chicago is a 9 to 5 job. People need to respect that I have other hobbies and interests that I like to pursue in my spare time.
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Look…when I go fishing at North Ave beach, I use a lure or a worm. But if someone prefers shooting the fish, then to each his own. At worst, it’s a silly decision.
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With the Bring Chicago Home taxes, your rent will go up and your kids will get to try a new school when you move. Your kids’ new teachers will receive a subsidy so they can rent your old home. With the money they save, they can send their kids to private school. Everyone wins!.
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For all the people in Chicago doing amazing things, please contact my office to arrange a photo op so I can take the credit.
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My administration has doubled job creation in Chicago. Past administrations built tents…we build them AND tear them down.
And just like that Brandon Johnson’s migrant camp is fading into nothing, what a senseless waste, what a foolish endeavor. #brightonpark
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This hiring freeze is a difficult step but sacrifices are necessary. Only essential services like haircuts and exfoliating spa treatments will be approved.
Mayor Brandon Johnson enacts citywide hiring freeze ahead of $1B budget gap
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Right-wing extremists want to subject Black and brown youth to oppressive systems of control like math and reading standards. CTU and I know that Chicago’s youth can be much more than doctors and scientists and engineers. They can be foot soldiers in the revolution!.
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I look forward to welcoming our next President, Kamala Harris, to Chicago in a few weeks! It doesn’t hurt that she has a thing for mayors.
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I can no longer ignore all the violence on these Chicago streets. To confront this emergency, the city is filing suit against the estate of Daniel Burnham. He clearly put these streets in very dangerous places.
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We invest in teachers! CTU members deserve to be paid enough to afford their kids’ private school tuition.
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Attention, armed robbers! Please avoid the Lincoln Park area until CPD is done beating up DePaul students. You can resume operating with impunity at noon.
#Breaking Chicago police are currently breaking down the encampment on DePaul's campus. @WGNErik is there and bringing us updates on @WGNMorningNews.
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As the eyes of the nation turn to Chicago this summer for the Democratic National Convention, I want any and all protestors to know that you are welcome here. We hope to see the greatest freaking freak show in the world outside the United Center. @DemConvention.
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Great news, Chicago! I offered these London businesses $50 million in TIF funds to move to Chicago and they agreed! This is how we invest in people!
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Based on how people are dressed at Lollapalooza, I think we’re going to have lots of visitors to the free abortion tent at the @DemConvention in a few weeks.
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With #BringChicagoHome, we’re going to place unhoused individuals in private homes that have more bedrooms than occupants. We will prioritize migrants and then place regular Chicago homeless. These mixed income households will help build a safer, stronger Chicago.
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The best part of Bring Chicago Home is that taxes paid by Cubs fans will cover most of the public financing for the new White Sox stadium.
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I’m reluctantly starting to accept that we may need a few more cops. To boost morale and drive recruitment, I’m asking all the ladies in Chicago to provide on-the-job twerking to CPD. And to potential recruits…remember, no one is out here twerking on firemen.
Chicago police officer gets a twerk show on the west side of Chicago!
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This morning, I’m issuing an Executive Order establishing ChiDisarmed, a new gun buyback program for @Chicago_Police. Officers who relinquish their weapons will receive a free weekend seminar on tantric conflict resolution. Clothing will be optional.
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Bring Chicago Home will provide funding for youth artists to decorate all the vacant storefronts caused by Bring Chicago Home.
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I hereby declare weed smoke as the official smell of Chicago.
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Thank you to all the Chicago religious groups providing winter clothing for our migrant population. Just remember that you only had this opportunity for good deeds because my administration had no plan. You’re welcome!.
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Investing in people requires us to reject the scarcity mindset of @StuLoren. If $44,597 of spending per student only gets us to a reading proficiency rate of 2.4%, it just means that we need to spend $1,858,208 per student to reach 100%.
CTU is presenting data on understaffed schools and unfilled positions. I don’t doubt some schools require more staffing. However, an honest analysis would also include utilization figures. A sensible policy would allocate resources from under-enrolled schools to those in need.
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My promise to new Chicagoans! No matter where in the world you come from, the city will find a corrupt, overpriced vendor to serve you.
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The best students in CPS deserve the exact same education as the worst students in CPS. As we move away from the competitive selective enrollment system to a compassionate neighborhood system, we will no longer offer AP or IB classes, and sports teams will be chosen by lottery.
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Chicago will lead the nation once again! Starting January 1, 2024, all cars sold or operated in the City of Chicago must have bike pedals or Flintstones holes installed to maintain the new 10 MPH speed limit on residential streets.
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So….Chicago is going to need some cash. Everyone, please pay your red light camera tickets and water bills.
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Today is the day! Please vote yes and give me that Bring Chicago Home slush fund. Don’t worry, I’m good with money.
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That decides it! Soldier Field will soon be converted to a tent city.
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To all the CPS parents who depend on busing, have fun driving your kids to school in the snow today! That’s what you get for leaving your neighborhood school and making CTU look bad.
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THIS WEEKEND ONLY! To show our support for Black and Brown youth, the City of Chicago is partnering with Planned Parenthood Englewood to offer free abortions for women pregnant with Black and Brown youth.
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This summer, a youth group representing all corners of the city will be performing this live action play in various locations around Chicago to welcome tourists and visitors. Act I: Airport Brawl. Act II: CTA Brawl. Act III: Loop Brawl. Act 4: Loot Walgreens.
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Welcome to a new CPS school year! If all schools can’t be great, at least they should all be the same. That’s why we cancelled busing to selective enrollment and magnet schools. These embarrassing centers of excellence are making a lot of CTU members look bad! Good riddance!.
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Hey @TheDemocrats ! Don’t give up on Chicago! There is enough room for everyone at the United Center. We will use one half of the facility for the Democratic National Convention. The other half will be a self-governing migrant encampment. They will be divided by a protest zone.
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Administration after administration has taken away from Black people. Not mine. I’m giving Black Chicagoans a bunch of new neighbors.
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Honestly, it frightens me that our next State’s Attorney will reclassify silly mass shootings as criminal mass shootings. Cook County deserves better.
I’m honored to be the Democratic nominee for Cook County State’s Attorney! Congratulations to Clayton Harris on a hard-fought campaign. There is so much more that unites us than what divides us. I promise to work tirelessly to help build a safer, stronger Cook County together.
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President Biden needs to help us cope with Governor Abbott’s response to President Biden’s policies, which are Governor Abbott’s fault.
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Bring Chicago Home will help rid the city of capitalist stores and restaurants. In their place, we’ll build nurturing, people-centered tenements. Vote Yes!.
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Our new contract with CPS will do away with standardized tests and we will only evaluate student joy. In my experience as an educator, nothing brings more joy to students than substitute teachers and no homework. That’s why CTU is demanding more sick days for its members.
Why do students in affluent neighborhoods get libraries, art, and joy, while CPS denies these to our students? A joyful school day isn’t a luxury—it’s a right. Let’s enshrine equity and play-based learning in our contract now.
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With the return of Covid, we’re asking all Chicagoans to wear masks in case you have any close contact with armed robbers. They’re usually considerate enough to wear masks so follow their lead!.
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We can bring corporate HQs back to Chicago AND solve other challenges by uniting leadership in the public and private sectors. To this end, the city is working with Boeing to transition migrants housed at O’Hare into well-paid airplane maintenance jobs.
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Looking forward to “shots fired Fridays” this summer at Millennium Park!.
JUST IN: Millennium Park’s summer lineup for free concerts, movies and more has been announced. Here's what's coming this summer:
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Hiding a gun in your fat folds is the soul of Chicago.
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I’ve decided to delay my trip to the Southwest until the Chicago temperature drops below 35°.
Mayor Brandon Johnson announced Monday he is not attending his administration’s trip to the U.S.-Mexico border later this week, a reversal he said stems from having to address the “urgency” of the growing migrant population in Chicago.
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Chicago is an inclusive city! I’m proud to introduce the first Black Panther Party chapter made up entirely of pre-op transblack Chicagoans. In recognition of their courage, this will be the first group in the city to receive reparations.
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If we want to make all Chicago Public Schools into great schools, the first step is destroying the great schools that currently exist.
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CTU members! Please wear red on Friday to celebrate the City Council’s unanimous rejection of my property tax plan.
‼️ Time to show up in red, CTU family! Tomorrow is Friday, and that means we’re wearing red to stand together for fully funded schools and a brighter future. It may seem small, but a red shirt sends a big message of solidarity. Wear red, snap a pic, tag us, and let’s keep this
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Spot no shots, got no shots!.
Mayor Brandon Johnson is expected to announce that he won’t renew the city’s controversial contract with ShotSpotter, making good on a key campaign promise to do away with the gunshot detection system.
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I’m proud to say that I’ve shut down more capitalist businesses than any other mayor in America. When the eyes of the nation turn to Chicago next week for the @DemConvention, everyone will see what happens when you put people over profit!.
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It’s so amazing seeing Chicago youth celebrate our city’s selection as @DNC National Convention host. Honestly, I also wanted to dance on a bus when I heard the news.
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The MAGA resurgence is truly chilling. To confront the rise of authoritarianism, we need to censor media, imprison Donald Trump, and criminalize his supporters. Dangerous political speech must be stopped, especially parody accounts!.
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To support @Chicago_Police, the city is partnering with @DoRiteDonuts. Officers will receive a free Buttermilk Old Fashioned donut for every abandoned foot chase.
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This is a highly misleading news story by right-wing MAGA reporters at WTTY. We were notified about these conditions, but we are still trying to determine if the roaches and sewage were sent by Governor Abbott to undermine our competent, benevolent sanctuary city strategy.
1.) WTTW Exclusive: "Possible Outbreak of Illness," "Exposed pipes with raw sewage," "Cockroach infestion." Emails obtained by WTTW News show Mayor Johnson and top city officials were warned on Oct 28th of unsanitary conditions at a Pilsen Migrant shelter . .
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14% is still better than the math and reading proficiency rates at Sustainable Community Schools, and those are the best schools in CPS. Sounds like I’m doing great!.
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We don’t empower Black and brown students by teaching them reading and math. We empower Black and brown children by teaching them that oppression is their destiny.
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We won’t do things the same old way when I’m mayor. There won’t be any pressure to manipulate data, because things like looting, armed robbery, and most shootings won’t be considered crimes anymore. They’re just mesures of how badly the people need socialism!.
Should also be an expert in counting blue cards, not caring about district back-logs, being untruthful about crime being down when data clearly suggests it’s up, and spinning how even though it’s up the rate of the increase has slowed down so it’s ok it’s going up….
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See, Chicago! The problem isn’t crime. It’s just that guns keep going off at the darnedest times.
A gun went off during a robbery attempt on a CTA train Thursday night, Chicago police said.
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We’ll be replacing the math and reading high school admissions tests with holistic assessments of empathy and intersectionality.
Breaking: A technical problem has forced Chicago Public Schools to pause today's High School Admissions Test, which all eighth graders were supposed to take this morning. The test is used as part of admissions for selective enrollment high schools.
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The City of Big Shoulders needs big ideas to confront our structural deficit. To increase revenue, we’re going to add manned toll booths in all lanes entering and leaving the Loop. To minimize the burden on Chicagoans, we will only charge $.45/toll, exact change required.
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CPS parents! Please log in to your Aspen account and sign the acknowledgement that: a) guns hidden in teacher fat are not concealed weapons, and b) firing a gun through teacher fat is not considered as use of an illegal silencer. We must protect our teachers!.
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The city of Chicago welcomes everyone! To show our support for Palestine, we’ll be closing all roads entering O’Hare for three hours this afternoon. To show our support for Israel, CPD will indiscriminately shoot at all the stopped cars with nowhere to go.
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There’s a lot of criticism about my plans to erase the gang database. As a compromise, we’ll keep the database, as long as CPD logs in and enters at least one nice thing about everyone on the list.
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I will not demonize young people for making silly decisions. I will not abandon anyone for making silly decisions. In fact, I want to be known as the “Mayor of Silly Decisions.”.
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Sorry, Paul, but if all Black students can’t be proficient in math and reading, then none can!.
CTU efforts to end the magnet schools & force public charter schools to close will impact 66,000 students, mostly poor, overwhelmingly Black & Latino. 1/3 of Black students attend these schools. 96% of charter school enrollment is Black & Latino & 86% are low income families.
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I’m noticing a pattern…the shorter the weekend, the fewer the shootings. With this in mind, I’m signing an executive order banning weekends until the first snowfall.
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