Mayor Brandon Johnson (Power to the Parody!)
@maybemayorbj
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As the eyes of the nation turn to Chicago this summer for the Democratic National Convention, I want any and all protestors to know that you are welcome here. We hope to see the greatest freaking freak show in the world outside the United Center.
@DemConvention
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My administration is working hard to confront the migrant crisis by making Chicago into a city where no one would want to migrate.
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For any interested buyers, the City of Chicago is offering a great deal on tents right now. Barely used. Sold as-is.
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I’m proud to announce the closing of the Grand Lux Café! This is an important first step towards my administration’s goal of adding a homeless shelter on every block of the Magnificent Mile.
JUST IN: Grand Lux Cafe has announced it is closing its doors after 21 years later this year.
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Once the Chicago City Council and I bring peace to the Middle East, we promise to solve the violence problem here in Chicago.
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I lead with accountability, so we’re announcing new rules of engagement for CPD. When someone shoots at police, officers must count the number of bullets fired and return only the same number of shots or less. Officers must reach consensus on shot totals before they can shoot.
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The City of Chicago will sue any business that installs riot glass. You have to give the looters a fighting chance.
Chicago Police recommend Riot Glass to prevent smash-and-grab crimes
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Today is the big day! The first 5000 people in the door at my inauguration will receive summer job vouchers. Hand these to any armed robbers you encounter in the city. They’ll put down the guns and pick up opportunity!
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The only thing that makes “bad schools” bad is comparing them to good schools.if we get rid of the good schools, we also eliminate the bad schools.
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In spite of these corporate departures, I’m optimistic about the future of Chicago. You see a half-empty office building. I see a half-full homeless shelter!
United files a flight plan for a potential move of its corporate headquarters from Chicago to Denver.
It's not a done deal; but the airline is clearly keeping its options open.
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The first 500 protestors who set up an encampment at the United Center this summer will receive a free
@ChicagosMayor
bobble head.
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There is a lot of vacant office space in downtown Chicago. To address this challenge, we’re going to tax the businesses that don’t move here even though they should.
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As part of my administration’s DEI commitments, I intend to appoint a Venezuelan migrant as Deputy Mayor for Socialist Transformation. Unfortunately, I can’t find a Venezuelan migrant who likes socialism, so I might have to appoint a white kid with blue hair from Logan Square.
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To all the new Chicagoans freezing on the street, I hope our good intentions make you feel a little warmer.
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At 6am tomorrow,
@SouthwestAir
will be providing warming planes for migrants on Columbus Dr in Grant Park.
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In only six months as mayor, I’ve made downtown commercial real estate affordable for everyone in Chicago!
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Chicago, when I taught your kids, I let them fail without consequence. I hope you will show me the same courtesy. In my book, a 21% approval rate is passing!
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Starting today, we will house migrants on the Navy Pier Ferris wheel. Each gondola will be equipped with a privacy screen, portable commode, space heater, and $25
@DoorDash
gift card.
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Today the city of Chicago filed suit against
@gucci
for making their window displays so gosh darned tempting.
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I’m a silver lining guy. More robberies in expensive neighborhoods will soon make them affordable neighborhoods.
Lincoln Park’s robbery problem needs "hands on" solutions from the city and alderman, neighbors said.
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Migrants are leaving their Chicago sanctuary. Even though we couldn’t find them housing, heat, safety, or employment, we hope they recognize that we said all the right things.
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Today is the day! We’re installing speed cameras around Grant Park so we can collect a little extra revenue from these
@NASCAR
drivers.
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There is simply too much stigma associated with the term “carjacking.” The city of Chicago will now refer to these incidents as “self-Ubering” in official communications.
Police are investigating a carjacking attempt outside a Gold Coast hotel and a successful carjacking in Boystown. They were reported about five hours apart overnight.
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Look…when I go fishing at North Ave beach, I use a lure or a worm. But if someone prefers shooting the fish, then to each his own. At worst, it’s a silly decision.
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Instead of ShotSpotter, we’re going to put those Safe Passage people with the yellow vests on the street for 24 hours a day.. When they hear gunshots, they can rush to the nearest pay phone to call 911.
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Being Mayor of Chicago is a 9 to 5 job. People need to respect that I have other hobbies and interests that I like to pursue in my spare time.
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With the Bring Chicago Home taxes, your rent will go up and your kids will get to try a new school when you move. Your kids’ new teachers will receive a subsidy so they can rent your old home. With the money they save, they can send their kids to private school. Everyone wins!
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For all the people in Chicago doing amazing things, please contact my office to arrange a photo op so I can take the credit.
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My administration has doubled job creation in Chicago. Past administrations built tents…we build them AND tear them down.
And just like that Brandon Johnson’s migrant camp is fading into nothing, what a senseless waste, what a foolish endeavor.
#brightonpark
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Right-wing extremists want to subject Black and brown youth to oppressive systems of control like math and reading standards. CTU and I know that Chicago’s youth can be much more than doctors and scientists and engineers. They can be foot soldiers in the revolution!
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I look forward to welcoming our next President, Kamala Harris, to Chicago in a few weeks! It doesn’t hurt that she has a thing for mayors.
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I can no longer ignore all the violence on these Chicago streets. To confront this emergency, the city is filing suit against the estate of Daniel Burnham. He clearly put these streets in very dangerous places.
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Attention, armed robbers! Please avoid the Lincoln Park area until CPD is done beating up DePaul students. You can resume operating with impunity at noon.
#Breaking
Chicago police are currently breaking down the encampment on DePaul's campus.
@WGNErik
is there and bringing us updates on
@WGNMorningNews
.
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Based on how people are dressed at Lollapalooza, I think we’re going to have lots of visitors to the free abortion tent at the
@DemConvention
in a few weeks.
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With
#BringChicagoHome
, we’re going to place unhoused individuals in private homes that have more bedrooms than occupants. We will prioritize migrants and then place regular Chicago homeless. These mixed income households will help build a safer, stronger Chicago.
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The best part of Bring Chicago Home is that taxes paid by Cubs fans will cover most of the public financing for the new White Sox stadium.
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This morning, I’m issuing an Executive Order establishing ChiDisarmed, a new gun buyback program for
@Chicago_Police
. Officers who relinquish their weapons will receive a free weekend seminar on tantric conflict resolution. Clothing will be optional.
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I’m reluctantly starting to accept that we may need a few more cops. To boost morale and drive recruitment, I’m asking all the ladies in Chicago to provide on-the-job twerking to CPD. And to potential recruits…remember, no one is out here twerking on firemen.
Chicago police officer gets a twerk show on the west side of Chicago!
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Bring Chicago Home will provide funding for youth artists to decorate all the vacant storefronts caused by Bring Chicago Home.
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I hereby declare weed smoke as the official smell of Chicago.
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Thank you to all the Chicago religious groups providing winter clothing for our migrant population. Just remember that you only had this opportunity for good deeds because my administration had no plan. You’re welcome!
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My promise to new Chicagoans! No matter where in the world you come from, the city will find a corrupt, overpriced vendor to serve you.
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The best students in CPS deserve the exact same education as the worst students in CPS. As we move away from the competitive selective enrollment system to a compassionate neighborhood system, we will no longer offer AP or IB classes, and sports teams will be chosen by lottery.
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Chicago will lead the nation once again! Starting January 1, 2024, all cars sold or operated in the City of Chicago must have bike pedals or Flintstones holes installed to maintain the new 10 MPH speed limit on residential streets.
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Today is the day! Please vote yes and give me that Bring Chicago Home slush fund. Don’t worry, I’m good with money.
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So….Chicago is going to need some cash. Everyone, please pay your red light camera tickets and water bills.
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That decides it! Soldier Field will soon be converted to a tent city.
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To all the CPS parents who depend on busing, have fun driving your kids to school in the snow today! That’s what you get for leaving your neighborhood school and making CTU look bad.
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THIS WEEKEND ONLY! To show our support for Black and Brown youth, the City of Chicago is partnering with Planned Parenthood Englewood to offer free abortions for women pregnant with Black and Brown youth.
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This summer, a youth group representing all corners of the city will be performing this live action play in various locations around Chicago to welcome tourists and visitors. Act I: Airport Brawl. Act II: CTA Brawl. Act III: Loop Brawl. Act 4: Loot Walgreens.
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Welcome to a new CPS school year! If all schools can’t be great, at least they should all be the same. That’s why we cancelled busing to selective enrollment and magnet schools. These embarrassing centers of excellence are making a lot of CTU members look bad! Good riddance!
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Administration after administration has taken away from Black people. Not mine. I’m giving Black Chicagoans a bunch of new neighbors.
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Hey
@TheDemocrats
! Don’t give up on Chicago! There is enough room for everyone at the United Center. We will use one half of the facility for the Democratic National Convention. The other half will be a self-governing migrant encampment. They will be divided by a protest zone.
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Honestly, it frightens me that our next State’s Attorney will reclassify silly mass shootings as criminal mass shootings. Cook County deserves better.
I’m honored to be the Democratic nominee for Cook County State’s Attorney! Congratulations to Clayton Harris on a hard-fought campaign.
There is so much more that unites us than what divides us. I promise to work tirelessly to help build a safer, stronger Cook County together.
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Bring Chicago Home will help rid the city of capitalist stores and restaurants. In their place, we’ll build nurturing, people-centered tenements. Vote Yes!
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President Biden needs to help us cope with Governor Abbott’s response to President Biden’s policies, which are Governor Abbott’s fault.
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With the return of Covid, we’re asking all Chicagoans to wear masks in case you have any close contact with armed robbers. They’re usually considerate enough to wear masks so follow their lead!
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We can bring corporate HQs back to Chicago AND solve other challenges by uniting leadership in the public and private sectors. To this end, the city is working with Boeing to transition migrants housed at O’Hare into well-paid airplane maintenance jobs.
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Looking forward to “shots fired Fridays” this summer at Millennium Park!
JUST IN: Millennium Park’s summer lineup for free concerts, movies and more has been announced.
Here's what's coming this summer:
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Hiding a gun in your fat folds is the soul of Chicago.
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I’ve decided to delay my trip to the Southwest until the Chicago temperature drops below 35°.
Mayor Brandon Johnson announced Monday he is not attending his administration’s trip to the U.S.-Mexico border later this week, a reversal he said stems from having to address the “urgency” of the growing migrant population in Chicago.
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Chicago is an inclusive city! I’m proud to introduce the first Black Panther Party chapter made up entirely of pre-op transblack Chicagoans. In recognition of their courage, this will be the first group in the city to receive reparations.
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If we want to make all Chicago Public Schools into great schools, the first step is destroying the great schools that currently exist.
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Spot no shots, got no shots!
Mayor Brandon Johnson is expected to announce that he won’t renew the city’s controversial contract with ShotSpotter, making good on a key campaign promise to do away with the gunshot detection system.
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It’s so amazing seeing Chicago youth celebrate our city’s selection as
@DNC
National Convention host. Honestly, I also wanted to dance on a bus when I heard the news.
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The MAGA resurgence is truly chilling. To confront the rise of authoritarianism, we need to censor media, imprison Donald Trump, and criminalize his supporters. Dangerous political speech must be stopped, especially parody accounts!
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To support
@Chicago_Police
, the city is partnering with
@DoRiteDonuts
. Officers will receive a free Buttermilk Old Fashioned donut for every abandoned foot chase.
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This is a highly misleading news story by right-wing MAGA reporters at WTTY. We were notified about these conditions, but we are still trying to determine if the roaches and sewage were sent by Governor Abbott to undermine our competent, benevolent sanctuary city strategy.
1.) WTTW Exclusive: "Possible Outbreak of Illness," "Exposed pipes with raw sewage," "Cockroach infestion." Emails obtained by WTTW News show Mayor Johnson and top city officials were warned on Oct 28th of unsanitary conditions at a Pilsen Migrant shelter ..
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We won’t do things the same old way when I’m mayor. There won’t be any pressure to manipulate data, because things like looting, armed robbery, and most shootings won’t be considered crimes anymore. They’re just mesures of how badly the people need socialism!
Should also be an expert in counting blue cards, not caring about district back-logs, being untruthful about crime being down when data clearly suggests it’s up, and spinning how even though it’s up the rate of the increase has slowed down so it’s ok it’s going up…
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See, Chicago! The problem isn’t crime. It’s just that guns keep going off at the darnedest times.
A gun went off during a robbery attempt on a CTA train Thursday night, Chicago police said.
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We’ll be replacing the math and reading high school admissions tests with holistic assessments of empathy and intersectionality.
Breaking: A technical problem has forced Chicago Public Schools to pause today's High School Admissions Test, which all eighth graders were supposed to take this morning.
The test is used as part of admissions for selective enrollment high schools.
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The City of Big Shoulders needs big ideas to confront our structural deficit. To increase revenue, we’re going to add manned toll booths in all lanes entering and leaving the Loop. To minimize the burden on Chicagoans, we will only charge $.45/toll, exact change required.
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CPS parents! Please log in to your Aspen account and sign the acknowledgement that: a) guns hidden in teacher fat are not concealed weapons, and b) firing a gun through teacher fat is not considered as use of an illegal silencer. We must protect our teachers!
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The city of Chicago welcomes everyone! To show our support for Palestine, we’ll be closing all roads entering O’Hare for three hours this afternoon. To show our support for Israel, CPD will indiscriminately shoot at all the stopped cars with nowhere to go.
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There’s a lot of criticism about my plans to erase the gang database. As a compromise, we’ll keep the database, as long as CPD logs in and enters at least one nice thing about everyone on the list.
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Sorry, Paul, but if all Black students can’t be proficient in math and reading, then none can!
CTU efforts to end the magnet schools & force public charter schools to close will impact 66,000 students, mostly poor, overwhelmingly Black & Latino. 1/3 of Black students attend these schools. 96% of charter school enrollment is Black & Latino & 86% are low income families.
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I will not demonize young people for making silly decisions. I will not abandon anyone for making silly decisions. In fact, I want to be known as the “Mayor of Silly Decisions.”
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I’m noticing a pattern…the shorter the weekend, the fewer the shootings. With this in mind, I’m signing an executive order banning weekends until the first snowfall.
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The real problem is not taxes but private property. Bring Chicago Home will help the city take control of commercial real estate and multi-unit housing. We will turn them into tenements, soup kitchens, and quarantine wards for measles and other preventable diseases.
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We’re also going to sue all usb cable manufacturers for negligently making Kia keys.
Today, the City filed a civil lawsuit against Kia America, Inc., Kia Corporation, Hyundai Motor America, and Hyundai Motor Company for their failure to include industry-standard engine immobilizers in models of their vehicles.
Read the full release here:
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A stronger, safer Chicago starts today! I’m proud to support
@CTULocal1
in their new SafeSqueeze initiative. Aimed at youth who left school during extended lockdowns, SafeSqueeze will provide gun safety training and fully recyclable Glock switches to program participants.
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We need to fight back against fascism by making sure that everyone thinks the right way.
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Chicagoans with low social credit scores will now have migrants assigned to their homes for empathy training. This will disproportionately impact whites, so you better learn to cook something that won’t taste bland to your new houseguests.
‘We simply have no more shelters:’ Lightfoot implores Abbott to stop sending migrants
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For too long, cyclists have been confined to a scenic bike path that runs the entire length of Lake Shore Drive. To remedy this injustice, and save the planet, we’re going to put the bikes on the road and make cars drive on the bike path.
I’m calling on IDOT to revise their plans for LSD so it reflects the diverse transit needs of Chicagoans across the city. It should prioritize pedestrians, cyclists, public transit users, recreationalists, and all residents.
@bikegridnow
Read at:
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As my good friend
@CDRosa
always says: “Voting right is more important than the right to vote.”
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Our first step in giving Chicago the schools it deserves is dismantling the best schools in Chicago.
“We’re not going to fight for the schools Chicago deserve anymore, we’re going to give it to them.”
@stacydavisgates
@CityClubChicago
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I love being a Democrat! Can you imagine the media coverage if Trump put indigenous people in tents?!
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I want to assure CTU members, state and federal law enforcement, and the general public that the personal financial impropriety of CTU leadership is not reflected in how the organization is run. One of these years we’ll release an audit and you’ll see that I’m right.
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With revenue falling short of projections, my administration is working on a plan to tax car thefts and armed robberies in exchange for immunity.
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Want a high-paying job with CTU or its affiliated organizations? There is a proven pathway to success followed by
@jacksonpCTU
,
@JiananShiCPSBoE
,
@stacydavisgates
, and me! Teach for a few years, and then build your career on the backs of the children you failed.
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Thank you for the advice
@JaymalGreen
but we all know that the solution to Chicago’s violence problem is leftist slogans and yellow vests
After a bloody weekend, today I had a presser asking the city to match the 400 million dollars they will spend on migrants this year and spend 400 million on empowering people in the neighborhoods to:
- build homes & block clubs
- open up schools throughout the day and on
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Our progressive vision of justice is really quite simple. We need fewer police. People should not be able to own firearms legally. Anyone caught with an illegal firearm shouldn’t be prosecuted.
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I’m flattered that this guy thinks my account is so funny that it must be run by multiple people. No comms team is behind this mayor’s tweets. It’s all from the heart.
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This parody account below is too much!!! I would never actually say that we shouldn’t prosecute crimes involving gun violence. Bail reform advocates
will have to do some damage control.
#banparodyaccounts
If incarceration = safety, the U.S. would be the safest country in the world. We’ve tried prosecuting our way out of gun violence. It hasn’t worked.
Thank you to the legislators and advocates making Illinois a national leader in reform by working to eradicate a broken system.
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By mobilizing the resources and resourcing the mobilization at the community level, government will be able to top up the bottom-down distribution of resources to community distributors. Safe spaces make for safe places!
Mayor Johnson's long-awaited safety plan in summary:
"Mobilizing the neighborhoods and the full spectrum of community stakeholders will support the full force of government approach with a bottom-up component that will utilize the support, input and resources of our community"
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Wanting things you can’t afford is the soul of Chicago. In order to fund our Blueprint for a more just and vibrant city, I’m authorizing the purchase of 100,000 Powerball lottery tickets. We want Chicagoans of all races, genders, and sexualities to help us pick the numbers.
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Fine…fine…we’ll defund the peacekeepers too.
A man is charged with beating and robbing another man in Little Village while wearing a neon yellow "peacekeeper" vest, officials say.
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I’m proud to announce my new “Pops with the Ops” program. Anyone caught on camera shooting at groups of people, random pedestrians, or police officers will be invited to sit down and share a Coke with their intended victims. Let’s replace conflict with conflict resolution!
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During my campaign, I promised that “there is enough for everyone.” As mayor, I pledge to borrow as much money as necessary to make that promise true.
Chicago is planning to borrow $1.25 billion to fund affordable housing and other economic development projects in anticipation of a significant “wind-down” to the city’s TIF program, according to a confidential memo obtained by Crain’s.
@CrainsChicago
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