Lucy Fishwife 🥐
@lucyfishwife
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Following
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Bookseller x2, bookreader, bookwriter. Gif addict. Bene GenXerit. Big sister, bad aunt, drunk cousin. Getting away with it all my life
London 🇪🇺🌹
Joined May 2008
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Pinned Tweet
Quietly cheering on the flying ant who has just sidled into the gap of the boot of the supercar idling next to my bus at the lights
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@LevParikian
This reflects very accurately the current level of my Spanish, in which apparently I can say "as a child I loved to ride my horse in the forest", but not "sorry, am I okay to just sit here while you clean the room"
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@hansmollman
"Feel free to call on cabin crew for anything, absolutely ANYTHING, because I understand MY needs don't come first with Elena"
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Just for a second I thought Dan Snow was telling his friend Richard about a weird dream he had
Richard I died today in 1199 having been shot by a child with a crossbow. He pardoned the child and sent him away with money. But after he died one of his lieutenants skinned the child and hung him.
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Things I have learned in life: don’t be competent, don’t be indispensible, don’t be the one who knows where things are. You will never get a minute’s peace
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Customers enter shop loudly yelling OH GOD I LOVE OLD BOOKS TAKE A PHOTO OF ME WITH THE BOOKS OH GOD STOP
ME OR I WILL BANKRUPT MYSELF so I immediately know they will not be buying anything. And am proved right
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How to be a joyless git in a French restaurant c1930
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I have just had to explain to a customer that it is possible for a book to be fictional, even if set in a real country
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My experiences of Toby Young pt 1: the time he yelled at bookshop staff because his book wasn’t on an eye-level shelf. We shelved, like most bookshops, alphabetically.
#leadingpublicintellectual
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If the Wagner debacle has taught the world anything, it should be: pay your fucking freelancers when they invoice you
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@hoskas
"Ooh methonks yon elitey woke cabal doth seek mine goodself for nefarious reasons, guvnor"
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This is, hands down, the most pass-agg brand name EVER
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Going out with friends who suddenly reveal that they’re the kind of people who are rude to service staff. 2019 continues to delight.
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So basically, current govt policy-making is like toilet-training a puppy. They pee on the carpet, we shout at them, they pee somewhere else. And somehow, dogs learn not to pee on the carpet, yet here we still are having to stand over Bozo with a rolled-up newspaper EVERY TIME
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Just had a "we tried to deliver but you were out" experience. Mate. This is one point in time where you really can’t get away with that.
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I recommend this highly. Yes, v v creepy folk horror etc, but also very funny in a "yep, that’s a deer skeleton trying to get in the house, have a sandwich, we’re not going anywhere" way. Top work, that author
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@Gargarin
"Orwellian : someone was mean to me
Kafkaesque : someone was mean to me and I had to fill out a form"
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@LissaKEvans
@arrroberts
A friend went to a talk in Sweden about acid rain and its effects on the Scandinavian penis, oh I am sorry you say pines is that correct?
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Rik Mayall and I gurned scornfully to each other in a newsagent queue when the man in front of us asked for Gauloises
What’s your favorite interaction you’ve had with a celebrity?
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Just had a little meander through all the granny medicine cabinet words we know: liniment, lozenge, poultice, linctus, unguent, salve, balsam, pastille
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Customer: I want to see the book about sex peas
Me: ... about, sorry?
Her: SEX PEAS THE PLAYWRIGHT WILLIAM SEX PEAS
Me: ah yes the Judi Dench book, let me just find you one
*excuses self to stockroom*
*shrieklaughs into empty box*
*returns*
Me: what luck we have a signed copy
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@LevParikian
It's no Michel Thomas, although allegedly his technique was largely developed by being an interrogator for the French Resistance
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I am very glad I took this picture, it’s going to amuse me for days
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An emergency panettone
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Dentist playing Sade and George Michael, like they’re trying to cop off with me at the school disco
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Eau, de Humanity
If Priti Patel released a perfume what would she name it?
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Many years of adult life have confirmed to me that I am pretty much entirely heterosexual, but I can't stop looking at Hannah Waddingham's BODY. I'm not sure it's humanly possible
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Maybe their dad rang up and badgered Penguin into publishing them
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The thing about being a bookseller is, while you may have Strong Views on what is ill-informed meretricious bullshit and what isn’t, you still have to put it in the window for people who buy that kind of thing, the maudlin credulous fools, and smile as you bag it up for them
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Excellent small child throws up outside shop, then maintains deadpan narration over scurry of 3 adults cleaning her up: "I been sick. On my shoes. I told Mummy I felt sick but she said I was just tired. Don’t step in my sick." etc
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@jododsley
@hansmollman
"You'll be fiiiine for constant service if you're a TENNIS INSTRUCTOR, isn't that right Elena"
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@Swilua
I had no idea this was the time of year Satan impregnates his bride, how lovely for the Satans, best wishes to them both
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And so it begins. A customer has returned a jigsaw puzzle because she didn’t like the way it smelled.
#retailwoes
#HappyNewYear
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Because, having been that nerdy 12/13yo, all you wish for from a bookshop is sanctuary, and booksellers who know you will come back with your pocket money because they treated you like an equal. THAT'S IT THAT'S THE END. Anyway it made me happy and proud
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my novel is on submission please cross your fingers for me that is all i will bore you with thank you in advance ok bye
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WHYYYYY do already-beautiful actresses over 40 always have TERRIBLE and FRANKLY DISFIGURING lip-filler work done, EVEN THE ONES YOU THOUGHT WERE TOO SENSIBLE
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RESIGNATIONS BUFFET NOW IS IT will the partying never stop 🍴
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Please, please, never use the phrase "simpler times". They were only simpler because your parents were the ones worrying about taxes and the Cold War and strikes, and you weren't. And if your schooldays were "the happiest days of your life", I pity the beJESUS out of you
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OOH! JAB APPOINTMENTS! I’m having them both at the Science Museum! I’m quite excited. What more suitable venue
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@AnneLouiseAvery
The weighted blanket was full of tiny glass beads made from lightning striking the sands of the Rub’ Al Khali, and as she tucked it around herself and her sleeping child it promised them a healing sleep, with dreams of djinns and roc’s eggs.
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I cannot help myself. I must reRT this again as two days on it's still making me laugh.
http://t.co/xRahB63xzB
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While looking for that last picture I came across this one, which still makes me laugh till I wheeze
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Small child in shop has obviously just learnt the phrase "what the HELL" and is marching around the kids' section like a tiny Matt Berry and I am very mich here for this
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I have just told Hannah Waddingham I loved her (VERY not me) and she took it far better than anyone else I've surprised with that kind of outburst 💖
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@mallelis
My parents didn't want to get a dog, so my brother decided the hairdryer was his dog and used to drag it out for walks by its cord
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While it’s quiet I’d just like to say thanks for being my (carefully-curated) timeline of not-knobends, in an 18-month period where we all could have done with fewer knobends
Anyway that’s my emotional outpouring for this decade, back to your cells
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Right, fuck it. We have a load of booze, cheese, and cakey stuff. Books. A cat. Netflix. We didn’t kill each other in the last two lockdowns. We can do this.
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@NellFrizzell
The shorthand! “Is that…” “no but he looks like him” or “he was in that thing with the woman from that other thing”
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@lickedspoon
Chugging bubblegum vodka and blue WKD in the ladies’ loo, mascara all over her face, writing JUST WANNA RUN 2U on the mirror in lipstick
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At the Science Museum. Have already heard “Fenella, this is unacceptable”
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Please stop saying "webinar" as I consistently misread it as "winebar". It’s my problem, I know
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An entire painting depicting various degrees of "he’s a bit.. CASUAL.. for a newborn, is that normal?"
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“THIS IS JUST TO SAY
I HAVE EATEN THE PLUMS THAT WERE IN THE ICEBOX”
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This gin ad came up on my IG feed. It basically looks like it makes you want to hang yourself.
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Fuck off. Then, maybe, fuck off again.
Reading is precious. But the cult of book ownership can be smug and middle-class | Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett
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YES male customer with attitude, NOT ONLY have I heard of Houellebecq but ALSO I can spell him
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Cheese and sarcasm
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If I was fully aware I was about to suffer the hugest and most laughably humiliating defeat of my incompetent and hate-filled life, I'd probably pretend I'd "fucked up the required paperwork" too
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I had a Great Work moment the other day (shit, this might be a 🧵) where a nice woman and her 20 something daughter came in to
@lloydsofkewbook
(a Thursday, triple shot latte, yadda yadda). She said "Did you used to work in [other indie bookshop]?" and I said "yes?" 1/3
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It’s my birthday in about six months, in case anyone asks what I want
16th century ring that unfolds into an astronomical sphere
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I've cracked. I'm drinking squeezy bag rosé like a knight with a wineskin in a bad medieval tymes movie. I am transferring it to a glass first, though, because I am a modern woman
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Stop having phone conversations on loudspeaker while holding your phone as far away from your face as possible, nobody else is interested in them
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I just dragged myself off the sofa to make wild garlic pesto, because apparently they can revoke your membership of the bourgeoisie if you wear yoga pants purely to lie around in. I think I’m safe for another week or so now
#BodenMeinhof
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I made the mistake of carefully opening a tiny bag of cornflour without covering the entire flat with dropcloths first
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@bjwalsh
@LissaKEvans
@arrroberts
My BIG GUNS is the Air France sales conference where the CEO asked us to thank his esteem collègue and give them the clap
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"Could I order a bible please?"
"Was there a particular one you wanted?"
"A holy bible"
"Yes sorry I meant more who published it"
"... God...?"
#adventuresinbookselling
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Overhearing people at next table (Italians) referring to the Christmas movie genre as "cinema panettone" which I love
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Customer has just BOOKSPLAINED the smell of books to me, which obviously having only been a bookseller for 20yrs (and an avid reader since approx BIRTH) I "may not have noticed", genuinely wtf. I let him have this though as getting excited by books is still adorable.
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My experiences of Toby Young pt 2: the multi-author publisher do where literally no bookseller could be persuaded to talk to him despite pleas from publisher’s staff
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CAN WE JUST take a moment to appreciate my hasselback potatoes. They are truly a sign of the existence of a higher power (me)
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Woman on train who just asked the trolley bloke "could I have a look at the beef sandwich? .. and could I see the salmon wrap again?" : get over yourself, Lady Penelope, it’s not the lobster tank at the Ritz
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Well, that’s me done with work till January (and possibly for January as well depending on Tier 4). Cheers, lovely twitterers 🥂
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Once again nearly had a heart attack as I walked past the cardboard lurker. Every damn time. Luckily no customers in the shop to hear me shout JESUS, FUCK OFF, SHAKESPEARE
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I’ll tell you what part of customer-facing jobs really makes me happy: it’s when someone crossly asks you a rude rhetorical question ("why do you stock this drivel anyway?!"), and you make them stand there while you politely and helpfully answer it in full. With a smile.
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I trick people into buying untruths printed on the corpses of murdered trees
#deadtreegrifter
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This is not potato salad. It is chickpea and yogurt salad. That is all. Next?
"Try these. They're a life-changing experience." A lighter, easier take on classic American potato salad, this version uses canned chickpeas in place of potatoes and favors Greek yogurt over mayonnaise.
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I used to tell a joke about Sisyphus but it was an uphill struggle
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For a small fee I will go to your enemy's bookshop and take photos of all the books I'm interested in, with the phone camera sound on loud, before leaving without buying anything
For a small fee, I will go to your enemy’s writing workshop and say, “this feels like it wants to be two poems”
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What disturbs me most is what they thought they were trying to say. Ethereal? Euphoric?
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