Laura Marie
@lmegordon
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Following
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I'm a mom, a nationally-ranked complainer, and an aspiring novelist.
Missouri, USA
Joined November 2013
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Pinned Tweet
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.
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I would do literally anything to lose 5 pounds right now except change my diet or increase my exercise.
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Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
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When my 4yo woke up, she said "I'm so excited for my party today," and I have no idea what she's talking about.
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My 2yo gathered up all of her toys with flashing lights, and now she's making me sit in a dark bathroom with her through what I can only describe as a toddler rave.
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I've gotten 4 rejections from literary agents, but at least my 11yo believes in me.
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Someone at the grocery store yelled "space" dramatically, and I responded with "the final frontier,' and now I need a new grocery store.
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My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special.
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Let's play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I'll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
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I thought I needed therapy, but then I listened to 20 one-hit wonders from the 90s and now I'm fine.
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Group assignments are important because that's where you learn that everybody else is an idiot and if you want a good grade, you have to do everything yourself. That was the lesson, right?
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My dad once grounded me for a whole summer in high school because I got home 15 minutes past curfew. I remembered that fondly today as I reported him for breaking quarantine.
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Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
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We're watching Shrek as a family and at the moment when Fiona turned from a woman into an ogre, my 2yo pointed to the TV and said "now she's a mom."
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Husband came across one of my tweets on Huffpost this morning. He was *delighted.*
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Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
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The actors who play parents in commercials never look tired enough.
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My 4yo asked if I'd lay down on the floor of her room and pretend to be dead. It was the best offer I've had all day.
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Of course men and women can be friends without being attracted to each other. It's called "marriage."
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I'm into the second trimester of my third pregnancy, and I've gained a few pounds, which means my husband has taken to mooing at me and making whale jokes. Look, nobody wants to be a single mother of 3, but I feel like he's not leaving me any other options.
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Tell me how old you are by naming the first fad you remember. For me, it was slap bracelets.
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Nobody is more worried about my 7yo walking home alone from school than her boomer grandmother, who made 5yo me walk home alone from school.
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I got on the scale this morning, and holy shit, I won't be doing that again.
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Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won't need toilet paper now.
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The people at the doctor's office just tried to reassure me that my son isn't the worst kid they've ever seen by telling me a story about the time a kid yanked a banner down from the ceiling. What they didn't realize was it was a story about my kid.
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I've started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
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My daughter's teacher just sent me a glowing email about what a pleasure she is in the classroom, and I'm half tempted to forward it to my son's teacher, just so I can prove the problem isn't me.
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I'm all dressed up for my anniversary date. 18 years tonight! Cheers!
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Like, what happens if I slip and have a glass of wine or two during this 9-month sobriety challenge?
Obstetrician: First of all, it's called "pregnancy."
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I put on my husband's deodorant and now I'm angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
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Husband got a vasectomy today, and our 13-month-old screamed the entire 45-minute drive home. I think he feels pretty good about that decision.
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Love is sitting in the urgent care with my husband even though he should've have known better.
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Husband just asked me if I'm sitting on the remote, which is super offensive because I think I'd fucking notice if I were sitting on the oops nevermind there it is I was sitting on it.
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My dad says I should let my son quit basketball if he really hates it. Where was that guy 25 years ago when I hated basketball?
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Being a stay at home mom doesn't mean I'm unemployed. It just means I'm unpaid.
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Other girls wear their husbands' clothes and they look cute, but I borrowed some cargo shorts this morning and now I've got a landscaping business.
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Yes, I'm a middle-aged woman who wears short shorts. This is how I rage against the dying of the light.
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My son didn't learn shit this year, but we live in Missouri, so he'll be fine.
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Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
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Talbots is starting to make cute clothes. I thought they only made clothes for old ladi-
Oh no.
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This blew up! I had to mute the comments because I couldn't keep up, but I'll be sure to tell my husband tonight and add a note to our shared calendar.
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My husband likes to "help out" on weekends by doing something he likes with the happiest kid who needs the least attention.
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My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling "mommy mommy," and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling "I HAVE TO WORK!"
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75% of all dates between married people end with a trip to the grocery store.
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I love it when people say "you're going to miss these days," like parenting toddlers isn't an absolute hostage situation.
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Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn't feel like a second grade math question.
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Love it when in-laws give advice on how to "raise a future adult." Ma'am, I knew your son when he was 19. You might want to sit this one out.
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My 9yo doesn't want to turn 10 tomorrow because it means he'll be "that much closer to death."
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New parents, you don't know this yet, but you can wrap up literally anything and put it under the tree for your toddler.
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I need a way to lose five pounds fast that doesn't include eating less or moving more.
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
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Love dropping 200 bucks at the zoo so my kids can lose their shit when they see a pigeon.
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My 3yo was super excited today because she got to eat "broccoli with all the color taken out." She was talking about cauliflower.
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Nobody under 25 thinks 40 is the new 20. Only 40-somethings believe that shit.
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To every man who's ever dumped me: You dodged a bullet there.
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I don't want to make anyone jealous right now, but I'm sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
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Twitter. Because we're clever enough to write things on the internet, but not clever enough to get paid for it.
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The husband didn't plan anything for my birthday this year, so I asked him to go to a local festival with me and the kids. When we got there, he told me to take the kids without him, and then he went home. His memorial service is set for Monday. At least one of us can make plans.
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My son told me he fell and hurt himself pretty badly during Field Day at school. When I asked him what game he was playing when he fell, he said he was walking to get in line. So no, we're not a sports family.
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Biggest obstacle to brushing my teeth right now is finding a solid hour when I don't plan on eating.
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Moms be wrapping their own Christmas gifts today like, "oh girl, you shouldn't have."
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I don't like to watch TV on my phone because then I can't look at my phone while I'm ignoring the TV.
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My neuroscientist husband and his radiologist dad are in the kitchen trying to make hot chocolate together, and it's not going well.
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Find a job doing what you love, and you'll find you never love doing it again.
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I'm sorry I'm late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
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There are people here who sincerely believe that 75 x 0 = 75. We're never beating covid.
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I have to eat less and exercise more if I want to lose weight, and I'm pretty mad about it.
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The vaccine's most common side effect is an urge to post about it online.
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My brother is on a horrible, super restrictive diet right now to support his wife. I want to be a great sister and do the right thing. Should I send him pictures of the ribs I'm eating, or should I send him pictures of cake?
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The family voted, and I've been named "most likely to fall down the stairs again" for the third year in a row.
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What do you call it when you're always busy but never get anything done?
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My 10yo just called the 90s the "dark ages," so I'll be raffling him off to the highest bidder at 8PM.
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My British coworkers thought I could drive most of Texas in an hour or two. It was adorable.
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Men would be more humble if some of their clothes zipped up from the back.
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My 6yo is currently angry at her father because he "married a weird wife."
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Having more than one kid is awesome because you figure out all these great tricks to raise the first kid, and then none of them work for the second.
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My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they're free on Netflix
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Tonight, my 9yo asked me if his generation could be the "quarantennials."
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I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
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My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I'm trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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You can't hurt me. You're not a picture of me that my husband took.
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The Brits are all sleeping now, so it's safe to microwave your tea.
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If I ever refer to my husband as my "rock" on Facebook, I've been hacked.
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I'm forcing my kids to play outside today like some kind of mom from the 80s.
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I'm on my second ibuprofen.
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I didn't let my first kid try sugar until he turned one, but my third kid is only six months old and already cooking meth.
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