aaron
@level22skeleton
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Pinned Tweet
Three Minutes (in Edinburgh)
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In 2011 I beat up Drake in the men’s restroom of a Swiss chalet in Bedford, Nova Scotia
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Hurricane Teddy will not make landfall in Nova Scotia. I’ll be waiting on the coast to stop it
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I am looking for roommates in Halifax and looking to move-in sometime in July/August. Here are my qualifications. Please DM if you’re interested or know of someone who might be interested :)
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The Dal tiger is nowhere to be seen during this controversy… curious. Convenient even
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Halifax landlords fail to consider that we have tattoo budgets to think of too
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Stanford university just called and offered me a job as a prison guard?? My buddy got the same call and they want him to be a prisoner 🤣 I hope this does not cause a permanent unavoidable rift in our friendship and forever change the future trajectory of our lives for the worse
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Lots of people were freaking out about notre dame but didn't hear anything from them when we lost the Truro jungle Jim’s
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Those aren’t fireworks you’re hearing. I am firing gunshots into the harbour I just saw a sea monster
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Why was it so easy for me as a 24 year old man to get approved for a vasectomy when ovary owners are often told they can’t get their tubes tied until 40??
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Bars, clubs, beer gardens, and pubs? What Halifax really needs is a good ol’ fashioned western style cowboy saloon
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Sometimes I’m reminded of the night I took 3 tabs of acid and then went on a 40 minute cab drive to a party and was convinced the cab driver was kidnapping me. I confronted him about it and he asked me if I was on acid. How did he know
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As a kid I used to watch Freaky Friday every week in hopes that I too could swap bodies with Lindsay Lohan
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At the end of your road test in Truro they tell you to crash through the front windows at shoppers
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Gonna use this tactic to lower my rent. $1450/month? You know this place exploded once, right?
My kid says she doesn't like it in Halifax, she wants to go back to Labrador. She said to me "Halifax isn't safe, did you know it exploded one time???"
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I want to become a wife guy. I have got to get married and love my wife
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You will never get a handjob in the Zellers Restaurant bathroom. Think about that
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Someone texted a random number and they ended up choosing mine. I’ll never miss a chance to earn a free view
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Streamer said to “submit a photo and we’ll rate you” and then roasted me for two whole minutes in front of 30k viewers 😭
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None of my homies buy in bulk (we cannot afford the initial investment despite it being cheaper in the long term)
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You’re in her DMs I am in the magic school bus travelling through her bloodstream and on a direct course for her heart
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While you were out getting your rocks off (having sex) I was staying in and getting my rock on (guitar hero 3)
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One time I was puking outside the bar when 2 girls walked by and one said “ew”. My drunken response was “actually it doesn’t taste as bad as usual”
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Got hired as a dishwasher 2 weeks ago and now I’m a line cook. Give me another 2 weeks and I’ll be head chef. A month? I’ll be hosting my own reality tv cooking shows, rivalling Gordon Ramsay and sending him to an early grave
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Bitcoin, dogecoin, ethereum, XRP, who cares! The only digital currency I care about now is SCENE points
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To my future gf:
I have 23,000 SCENE points and can redeem them for Sephora gift cards
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Not enough people talk about how McDonald’s ruined their snack wraps. The once perfect menu item has been replaced with a knock off healthier alternative
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Old dudes will be like “my wife (bless her heart) is a cunt” and then drink 12 beers at a family restaurant
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Telling my mom’s anti-vax friend that the 2nd dose gave me bieber fever
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Instead of watching my pre-recorded lectures, I download them, throw them into Adobe premiere pro, auto-transcribe the entire lecture and pull the generated captions into a word doc. During open book quizzes I CTRL+F the word doc and look for the keywords that lead to the answers
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Just had to transfer $0.02 out of my savings account so I could afford a junior chicken
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The NDP just promised to bring back the old McDonald’s snack wraps
The liberals say the wraps should remain the same because they fear change
The conservatives want to spit in the wraps and dip them in crude oil
The green party is trapped in the McDonald’s PlayPlace again
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Babe, you’re misremembering, I never mansplained gaslighting to you
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My mom taped over my 2nd birthday party with an entire hour-long episode of General Hospital, commercials included 😭
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Phone died during my drunken walk back to campus. used my knowledge of star navigationthanks to astronomy 1 as a guide to get me back. Unfortunately Im basicacly failing my astronoky class so it was of no help So thank u kind police officers fro pointing me in the right direction
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You’re only allowed to tweet about your ex if they don’t have a twitter account
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You’re not in her DMs, not yet at least. She doesn’t have a wireless data plan so she won’t see your DM until she gets to my place
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“Link me up with your adderall guy” bro you mean my doctor??! tf
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Bro you’re not “sipping on liberal tears”. You’re posting right-wing misinformation infographics to your 638 Instagram followers, most of which are ur old high school friends who have moved away and started families. They don’t even use that app anymore
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Landlord: I’ve hired a repairman to install a new fan in the bathroom
The new fan in the bathroom:
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LMAO, you can blame a lot of things on covid, Dalhousie, and you already have. But not allowing us to complain and criticize course content because of covid? That takes the cake
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I’ve never been to Peggy’s Cove but I hear the black rocks are to die for
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My profs are further postponing in-person lectures. I don’t care. I’m going to show up to the empty lecture hall and sit at the prof’s podium with my camera on to assert my dominance. This is not only honourable, but righteous too
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Was just down at the Halifax waterfront and this dude kept hopping between the benches and going “oop!” after each jump
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McDonald's: hi
Wendys: sup
Twitter: 😂WHO 😂😂😂 RUNS 😂😂😂😂😂 THAT 😂😂😂😂 ACCOUNT😂😂😂😂😂 OMG
*drake clapping gif*
58.7k 🔁 64.4k❤️
⤵️‘Quote tweet’
"lol this is so me"
46.7B🔁 78.3B❤️
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I grow attached to my follower’s profile pictures and when they change them I feel physically ill and unsafe
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This man approaches you on the pier with a microphone and notepad. Do you answer his questions?
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Whenever l smell cigarette smoke in Halifax I call the crime stoppers hotline and get a $1000 reward
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Thanks Dal, I’ve been working really hard on these notes. I’m glad you agree
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Micro-dosing breaking laws so I become immune to the justice system
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No joke- I used to have to google “how to talk to women” every time I got a new tinder match. I don’t have to google it anymore tho, I got the page bookmarked now
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Dropping a course with a “W” doesn’t mean “withdrawn” it’s means you won, you’re free now
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Some of y’all need to break up with your boyfriends and like my tweets more often
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Brushing my teeth in the shower to conserve water Maybe by the time I’m 80 I’ll have saved enough to fill a pool. My contribution definitely matters and it’s certainly not big corporations like Nestlé who are to blame for global draught, famine and rapid decline of our ecosystems
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After several years of research, scientists have discovered that ‘the orgasm’ is only the SECOND most pleasurable experience ever recorded. First being - the feeling of closing Microsoft Word after finally completing that paper you put off for weeks
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Over the last three months I have constructed several SAW-inspired death traps in an abandoned warehouse located in the heart of downtown Halifax. Tonight I will be kidnapping 12 of my mutuals and locking them inside. Godspeed
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Sorry bro I can’t come over. The light bulbs at your house cast an unflattering warm tone on me. Call me back when you get some lights that shine at 4500 kelvin or above
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Ghosting ppl in the 1800s would’ve been so easy, like “My dearest I’m afraid I’ve fallen ill with tuberculosis do not expect me to write again”
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I got approved for the vasectomy :’) October 29th, save the date 🖤
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