Ken Cheng
@kenchengcomedy
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Comedian, poker player. Seen on @NoRollsBarred_ playing board games. Rep: @ebdonmgt
London, England
Joined December 2010
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Pinned Tweet
ME: I'm going to see the manatee performance of Hamlet today
HER: don't you mean matinee?
[later]
LAERTES: eee eee eeeeee
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can confirm this is true. I went to university and there was not a single white person there. maybe one at most. we called him White Brian
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terrorism is one of the only areas where white people do most of the work and get none of the credit
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banks in 1929: well look at how many people want to visit our banks right now
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It's actually so hard to be racist to white people. Strangers often go "ching chong ching chong" to me and there is no equivalent "white people noise". I tried, I saw some and went "cashmere cherry tomatoes systematic oppression Stephen Fry". Nothing.
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Parasite is the first best picture winner to not have any acting nominations since Slumdog Millionaire
Wonder what the connection is there🤔🤔🤔
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white people will happily put Chinese characters on their body but not in their TV shows
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I don't understand when people veer to the right just because they find left wing people very annoying. I find left wing people very annoying and I'm still left wing
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the number of Chinese people in Britain with confirmed cases of coronavirus is still fewer than the number of Chinese people doing comedy
so if you see a Chinese person on the tube and assume they are a comedian that would be statistically less racist
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Winona Ryder's career was completely destroyed by the media because she shoplifted; we've always had cancel culture but people only started freaking out about it when it began happening to powerful white men
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Thread where I disrespect every flag of every country one by one
The US flag: god it's shite
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me going up to items in the "British" Museum: yeah but where are you really from?
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why are two different words with entirely different historical contexts not the exact same thing? I am stumped
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We don't want an infinity pool, we want affordable housing
Sincerely,
Londoners
London to get 'world's first' infinity pool with 360-degree views
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gonna retrain as a "rich man with good connections from boarding school"
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before you slag off any movie or TV show just remember that hundreds of people poured their heart and soul into making it, so it's even worse that it's bad
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Random guy: die hard is a Christmas movie
Everyone: ok sure
Guy: what's that? you disagree? want me to provide evidence?
Everyone: no we really don't care-
Guy: (loading up PowerPoint) OK TIME STAMP 1 MINUTE 37 SECONDS, AS YOU CAN SEE HERE THERE ARE CLEARLY
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[looking at an empty space where there is no racist statue]
how am I supposed to know slavery is bad
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Me: hopefully this Chinese-led film will lead to us being treated with more respect
White reviewer: their emotions were packed up like lil ickle dumplings
Me: what
WR: their feelings stretched out like thick udon noodles
Me:
WR: everybody was kung fu fighting (emotionally)
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the BBC:
Gary Lineker is "stepping back from Match of the Day", says the BBC
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white people who aren't the ones negatively affected by blackface sure do love to compare things to blackface
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happy to announce I have reached my target of having sex with 100,000 women by the end of April*
*this figure includes times I've sent out requests for sex and received no response
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When I hear the phrase "that's racist towards white people" I immediately think "what is?" because I've been desperately looking for a way for ages
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my pitch for series 2 of The Traitors: bring back the exact same 22 contestants, different traitors. the history between them would cause utter mayhem
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every Chinese teen, just before uploading their latest TikTok, turns to an old picture of their great-great-great-grandfather who was killed in the Opium Wars and whispers, with a tear in their eye "this dance is for my ancestors"
"TikTok is not just China’s revenge for the century of humiliation between the Opium Wars and Mao’s revolution. It is the opium — a digital fentanyl, to get our kids stoked for the coming Chinese imperium."
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please hollywood just come up with an original idea. anything. I don't care if you put random words together. a robot who can smell true love. a man who lives in an ikea. a woman who wees petrol. please just anything
Lionsgate has acquired the development rights for a potential ‘MONOPOLY’ movie.
()
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the adult version of "pinch, punch, first of the month" is several hundred pounds leaving my bank account for rent
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the best board game thst represents capitalism isn't Monopoly, it's actually Jenga. each party takes turns to make the current situation more precarious until a total collapse where only the last person to fuck up takes any blame while everyone else is declared the winner
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we'll see
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Amber Rudd wasn't actually no-platformed, just the Oxford Union had accidentally destroyed all the documents that proved she was invited
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"it was too much effort for me to say 'they' instead of 'he' so now I spend 5 hours a day arguing with strangers on the internet about it"
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I was offended by that racist joke until I learned that the comedian telling it was nice to his rich comedian friends at dinner parties, so that gives him a free pass to say anything racist forever
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famously being Jewish in Nazi Germany involved mostly being tutted at and being denied access to the local Tesco
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ok Sri Lanka is p badass, it's a lion with a SWORD, a lion is already a powerful animal in the wild and they gave it a SWORD
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Woman who has written Harry Potter, visiting the Holocaust Museum: Getting a lot of 'Harry Potter' vibes from this...
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disappointed that there was not a single question about what they're going to do about the domino hoo hoo advert
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can't wait to give these telegraph commenters' children all D grades
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been blocked from Wikipedia for repeatedly trying to change the photo on the page for "Santa Monica" to this
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wtf you didn't even try, just 3 colours what are you an ice cream
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this trifecta for me
What are the load-bearing posts of our time? Obviously 'facing god and walking backwards into hell' and 'miette' are up there. Does Ed Balls still count? PS if you can parse this you should probably log off
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@rhiannoneshaw
the economy is still reeling after the Whig government of Lord John Russell in 1866
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@orlaghmcdonald_
people are wondering if I will do all 195 and oh boy they underestimate my commitment to one joke
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actually have to admit Swaziland flag is cool, NFL players would struggle to take a knee, esp as it looks like an actual football
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United Kingdom:
What is this why are the red diagonals not even aligned
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@kemahbob_
I swear some racists marry a poc just so they can have a bunch of kids they can be racist to daily
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KEIR STARMER (very seriously): I did have Sky TV but I did not inhale
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If anything it probably just made them think "the Chinese are weird"
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you do have to admire Churchill for his witty quips though, such as "ah Madam, I may be drunk, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will still be dead because of the Bengali famine that killed 3 million as a direct result of my policies"
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just a reminder that people on Twitter are not representative of the real world! actual normal people are on Facebook having their brains warped by a completely different and much worse algorithm
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sorry if you find any tweets I make about Prince Philip being a loathsome racist to be callous, but I am merely trying to "break the ice" and "get people laughing"
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Then I flipped them all the bird on my way out
Antigua and Barbuda looks like a woman looking at the sunset through her open legs
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starting every conversation at every christmas party with "are you watching the traitors?" and if they say no I immediately talk to someone else
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Here's my pitch: a Predator movie but the Predator shows up in 1987 while they're on set filming the original Predator movie
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It's less capable of damaging the rest of the world than it was 200 years ago
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Don't even get me started on all the flags with the Union Jack in the corner, like some serious daddy issues there Australia
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fuckin hell Mozambique has an actual rifle in it, but also a book? I admire their balanced view on life, maybe we do need both?
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Germany:
an assault on the eyes, colours don't work, 1 star
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Chad, you are a mouldy France, plus we all know a douchebag called Chad
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pro tip: admitting you like jokes about slitty eyes in a national newspaper isn't "secretly" enjoying them, it is however being publicly and outwardly racist while encouraging others to do more racism
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ok what is this, this is just the last one but turned around, we've all heard of the "rotate left" function in paint not impressed
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New Zealand you get annoyed when people mistake you for Australia but you really aren't doing yourself any favours here
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Sweden:
blue and yellow = the colours of sadness and cowardice
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I can't remember how many small kittens John Rentoul has murdered so I'm just gonna say it's 7 and it's not a lie
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Mongolia: i find your lack of symmetry disturbing, the blue is not my preferred shade and wtf is that yellow entertainment unit
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When people say stuff like "London isn't really English anymore" what they mean is people with darker skin are treated as human beings and allowed to roam the streets free rather than being treated as commodities where their culture and resources are plundered
Some years ago I opined that London was not really an English city any more
Since then, virtually all my friends from abroad have confirmed my observation
So there must be some truth in it...
I note also that London was the UK city that voted most strongly to remain in the EU
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Parasite should have won all the acting awards except best actress which should've gone to Awkwafina
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ok italy this is just france but you know what the "fill" button is
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people are hurling a lot of racist abuse at me but I know they are only doing it because deep down they are themselves chinese
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a shield ain't gonna protect you from what I'm going to say Slovakia
you're ugly
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"the Royal Family brings in loads of tourism" yeh so does M&M world doesn't mean a peanut M&M should be our head of state
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I'm a big fan of Kiribati really impressed with how were able to capture the bird at that exact moment
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the Brunei one is fab it's hands make it look like it's doing a "what the hell" gesture which is a good attitude to have
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goes for you too Slovenia oh boy your shield is tiny compared to Slovakia you got so pwned
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wtf Ivory Coast you are just backwards Ireland and I dread to think what that looks like
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Ecuador has astonishing detail. Eagle, mountain, boat, river. If you magnify 1,000x there is actually another flag on the boat
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(I'll make sure to label every country so it doubles as an educational tool to learn all the flags)
go suck a dick Switzerland
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pointing out Emma Raducanu's an immigrant to racists who celebrate her is fun and all but remember that they've always given zero shits about their views being consistent. they've always enjoyed picking and choosing which ones they deem to be ok and hypocrisy doesn't bother them
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whenever I do a joke about white people I get loads of tweets saying "it wouldn't be okay the other way around!!!" and I'm just like "yes that is correct"
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I only care about
#FlagDisrespect2017
Costa Rica it looks like you've zoomed in on the diagonal of the UK flag
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Dunno why white British people complain about both sunburn and immigrants when instead they could do some interracial marriage and save their children from their own horrible lobstery fate
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I don't care about my career anymore
Bahamas it look likes the start of a solar eclipse by a triangular moon
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@lukasgage
"oh my god I'm so sorry, I'm so mortified! that you heard me say my real actual awful opinions, which were only meant for my assistant who has to agree with me because I can fire them"
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I should go but I cant reject the will of the people
Colombia, you're top heavy, we've all tried to divide by hand, get a ruler
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you know what I came in with a negative attitude but I'm discovering loads of flags I've never seen before. Malawi ain't half bad
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Doctor: sorry mate if I heal up your stab wound then the evidence of the stabbing will be gone and your attacker will go free, however if I leave it open and have you very slowly bleed to death, we might just catch this guy and prevent all future stabbings
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It's amazing that there wasn't a single book about wealth inequality until 1997
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I can't finish this today, so I will be back tomorrow for more.
Cyprus looks like a coffee stain that looks like Cyprus
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the same people who want a "white history month" also won't be that happy learning about white history, like white people do not come off well
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Amazing scene in Joker where he spends 17 minutes bitching about women and minorities more successful than him and claiming he's overlooked for being a white man instead of working on improving his own shitty act. Really realistic
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I did the audition in the end, I only had one line and my instincts kicked in and I went "Austria, your flag sucks"
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Kuwait you look like one of those optical illusions that demonstrate changing 3d perspectives. You could be a metal bar or a room
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Cambodia have put in a whole palace but also a yet to be painted one. Mixed feelings, some good bits, 3 stars
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white women thirsting for an Asian man without using the words "weirdly attractive" challenge
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beware everyone there appear to be loads of hackers who take over your account and use it to make racist posts about the England players! weirdly this has not happened to anyone I know and only seems to affect white people
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PS I'm not engaging in any political discussions, the only thing I care about is how much this tweet contains NO FAT
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