John-Luke Roberts
@jlukeroberts
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Writer, Comedian, Artist, Public Intellectual, CEO @SoundHeapInc , Winner BBC Audio Drama Award for Best Sketch Comedy Forever in our hearts.
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Joined February 2009
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PITCH: "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" but the contestants are billionaires so it's more of a threat.
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If I invented an instrument called a "quietloud" because it could be quiet and loud I'd be furious if everyone called it a "quiet."
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No soliloquising
The Paris Catacombs has one of the greatest warning signs ever conceived
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"No Man is an Island
He wears an Island's hat
He wears cor-blimey trousers
And he lives in a council flat"
- John Donne
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Can you choose "HMRC" as your charity of choice for Amazon Smile?
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Honestly, the Twix is *such* an improvement on the Twviii
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Her full title is Disgraced Former Home Secretary, Home Secretary Suella Braverman.
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Can we stop using "Education Secretary" and use the proper title "Disgraced Former Defence Secretary?" Can we stop using "Home Secretary" and use "Disgraced Former Secretary of State for International Development?" And let's call Grant Shapps "Disgraced Former Sebastian Fox."
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Irving Berlin’s reputation in tatters as researchers discover 4 businesses like showbusiness.
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One thing that's clear among all this: spending time in our own political bubbles shouting about how stupid the people in the other political bubbles are is counter productive. We need to venture across the divide, into their bubbles, and shout at them there.
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Meryl Streep's siblings are called Quality, Coronation and Miracle-on-34th.
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@andrewhunterm
Candles grow towards the sun - they want to get lit. So just rotate it 180 and it will correct itself.
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I wish Marie Kondo had had a bit in her book about how after you check if something brings you joy you also check if it might be useful to keep in case there's a pandemic which means you have to stay in the house.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a fortune must be in want of a rocket.
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One of these days I'm going to tell everyone about my plan to replace the monarchy with a system which has an elected tortoise as the lifetime head of state, and you're all going to be surprised by how compelling an idea it is.
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I would like newspapers to stop reporting "Things that Elon Musk reckons." That is my opinion.
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I'm pretty conflict averse but it's been made clear to me that some high profile feuds would help my career. 1 like = I will start a high profile feud with you about something
#beef
#boeuf
#feudfight
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So, let me get this right: mermaids are cool, centaurs are cool, but sheeple are the *opposite* of cool?? This doesn't make sense and you know it.
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The Keeping Up Appearances finale really knocked it out the park, ending in *SPOILERS* a gunfight between Hyacinth & "The Class System," a shadow network of three men (one tall, one medium, one short) who perpetuated the cycle of inequality and aspiration in which she was trapped
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A MAGICIAN WITH FIRM WORK/LIFE BOUNDARIES SHOWING A DATE INTO HIS ROOM: This isn't where the magic happens.
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I've recently heard the phrase "not my circus not my monkeys" for the first time, and I love it, and am using it all the time, but never in situations where it's appropriate. But you know - not my circus, not my monkeys.
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Out of respect, Netflix will be playing a soundtrack of repetitive tutting over all their shows today because you should be mourning.
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The tortoise's coronation could be done in 5 minutes with a cameraphone and whatever crown you have available (crown goes on the shell, so you don't have to worry about it falling of when it pulls its head in)
One of these days I'm going to tell everyone about my plan to replace the monarchy with a system which has an elected tortoise as the lifetime head of state, and you're all going to be surprised by how compelling an idea it is.
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In a way it's nice to have a global recession caused by something tangible and understandable. Not like last time when people just suddenly remembered money was pretend.
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If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it might be Rory Bremner - he's *very* good.
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I'm adapting Moby Dick into a collection of 16th Century French essays, but I'm a bit worried I'm making a Montaigne out of a Melville.
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The tortoise cannot interfere with political decisions - it's a tortoise. They say the monarchy is good for tourism - but could you honestly argue a tortoise with a crown on wouldn't be? Tortoises live for a long time, so great for continuity.
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One thing I'm particularly angry about - all this emotional labour as a family talking about what we should do, then assessing the risks, then making choices to mitigate and reduce those risks... and then, this, now. A week ago and they'd have saved us the bother.
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🎵 No I'll never Morris Dance again - guilty feet, I've got no ribbons 🎵
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Not all superheroes wear capes. In fact a cursory glance through DC and Marvel’s back catalogues will show you it’s not even the norm.
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A world just like our own, but when the apple fell on Newton's head he invented the helmet.
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I must admit to being a little surprised that he had parents. I'd assumed he was spawned from a hellmouth and an algorithm.
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[793] A world just like our own but if you wrote in to Blue Peter and they didn't think you had a good enough reason to have a badge they would blacklist you, and all the museums around the UK would refuse you entrance, no matter what money you offered.
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Screaming into pillows isn't cutting it anymore so I'm going to the source and screaming into ducks.
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Went to an engagement party yesterday, and managed to get through the whole thing without saying "I got married once" and "good luck to 'em," so well done me.
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Lower costs - you'd save on shoes, just to name one thing. When ever there's a new Prime Minister, there'd be a photo of them meeting a tortoise.
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When a man is tired of London, it's probably because all the good things are shut and he's barely been allowed out all year and the ceilings in flats are really low.
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BTW, would people be interested in a weekly Chaucer stream during lockdown? Maybe w/ a bit of crone
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I’d love to live in a world where the economics of fringe festivals didn’t require young and emerging artists to lose money subsidising the whole thing, and the people making money out of it didn’t blithely celebrate that imbalance as if it’s a bit of fun
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On the upside, at least he won't be making a podcast.
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OK, libs, answer me this: if Biden had really won the election, then why isn't he tweet shouting that he won the election every few hours?
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A world just like our own, but double decker buses have a basement.
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There is a show at the fringe by
@MrJohnNorris
called Mr Chonkers (it's very good). I texted my (young, female) producer Claire, asking "Do you want to see Mr Chonkers?" I realised only after sending that my phone had autocorrected this to "Do you want to see me chonkers?" (2/3)
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I will explain Eleanor's reference, because it is the funniest thing that has happened to me this month (1/3?)
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People say a lot of things about the minotaur, but I've always found him very like a bull.
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I am so TIRED of people using the word "Steakation" incorrectly!! It IS NOT a holiday in the country you live in, it IS a holiday where you go on a butchery course.
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A world just like our own, but Evel Knievel was called "Morullyambivullent Knorullyambivullent" and his stunts weren't incredibly difficult feats, they were just really weird. Like "I will drive this car straight next to a ramp" or "I will ride my moped while saying 'motorbike.'"
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I reached 1001 last night, and this seems a decent time to call it a day
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This is Pobble. We got her when I was 17 and she would sit happily in my dressing gown pocket. If you go within two feet of her she purrs. Just heard from my mum Pobble’s kidneys are failing and she’s probably only got a few days left. So sad and she’s so far away.
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A world just like our own, but they never invented biscuits so people dunk any old stuff in their tea. Toast, boiled potatoes, cheese, meat.
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Took me reading half an article to realise "Talking Horses" is the name of this regular Guardian feature, and not an ambition that Japan has
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Bet he's not on a diagonal from them :(
Bishops turn on Boris Johnson for defending Dominic Cummings
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Some of the blame for Labour's losses must lie with Cleisthenes, the father of Athenian democracy.
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A world just like our own, but Aardman are in charge of all the news programmes, so there's a big delay between something happening and finding out about it because all the newsreaders are made of plasticine and it takes ages to move them a bit and take a still and move them a bi
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I feel like we're nearly getting to the point where making fun of members of the cabinet is punching down
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“Boy, what day is it?” “Why, ‘tis International Women’s Day, sir.” “An intelligent boy! A remarkable boy! And is the prize turkey still in the poulterer’s?” “Why yes sir.” “Here’s some ribbons and a wig. Dress it up as a woman.” “But, sir...” “DO IT! I want to celebrate women.”
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Absolutely furious he didn't call this Ade: Memoir
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It's wild, this. There's such a vibrant, funny, popular live comedy scene in this country, and barely an attempt made to translate it to the TV
Scripted TV comedy is "at risk" for the sixth year running,
@Ofcom
has concluded in its annual report into the BBC.
Just 108 hours of new UK comedy aired in 2022-3, down from 225 in 2010-1.
Full story:
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All this advice for what *we* should do to limit the spread of coronavirus, but no advice for what *coronavirus* should do to limit its spread. Feel like they've lost sight of who's the bad guy here.
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Turns out I'm not the first person to have thought of this joke which is why jokes suck and I'm never writing one again.
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A happy day for the Prime Minister, who will soon be biological father to n+1 children!
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I think Hemingway's was better.
Not essential: Baby Clothes
Essential: Vodka (bottom right)
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Guys could someone mention it's my birthday so that people wish me happy birthday?
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It sounds noble to leave your body to Science, but Science must have more bodies than they know what to do with now. I'm going to leave my body to Geography and see if they can make anything of it.
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I am emotionally invested in an Iceland win which, judging by everything I've ever voted in, means the winner will be Boris Johnson.
#eurovision
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In 2014 my dad died. In 2015, I worked through my grief by dressing up as him and performing "Stdad-Up" at the Edinburgh Fringe. Did it work? Put it this way: in 2017, I started therapy. In 2021, we discovered the film. Sat April 17th we're streaming it.
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They adapted F•R•I•E•N•D•S for the horse demographic, and it's basically the same, but the bit in the theme song which goes 👏👏👏👏👏 is done with coconut halves.
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A world just like our own, but the milk man is a man who comes to the house and feeds your young from one of his many teats. He has a long moustache and one eye. And he wears a hat.
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YES a lot of things are terrible, BUT there are loads of people making beautiful and wonderful and crooked and magical things and, so, well... that's all I've got, but it's something.
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Groundhog Day, but with Trump, and every morning he wakes up and loses the election again. Not so much a movie pitch, more what's happening.
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You’re not an anything in a movie! You’re a silly sausage is what you are!!
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Hang on - pasta sauce is pretty much the worst thing for a felt puppet to eat. What were Dolmio *thinking*??
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Best bit of Hamilton was the song when he lists the million things he hasn't done.
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I would kindly ask the Guardian not to use these colours for their US Covid-19 map it gave me a terrible fright
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I did it. I actually did it.
Confirmed: The Spice Girls will tour next year - but with one missing
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A world just like our own, but Scrabble uses numbers not letters, so you have to use your numbers to write a number on the board and, as long as that's a real number, it's allowed and, to be honest, it's far too easy a game.
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A world just like our own, but there's zeppelins in all the buildings so you have to sort of squeeze past them to get anywhere.
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Sadly, if there were an infinite number of monkeys, the last thing anyone would be thinking about is theatre.
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How come I can buy crunchy peanut butter but not crunchy normal butter?
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