Andrew Hunter Murray
@andrewhunterm
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A Beginner’s Guide To Breaking And Entering OUT NOW - also @privateeyenews writer, @NoSuchThing -er, lush. Agents: RCW (lit) and The Agency (showbizz).
Joined May 2011
Small but exciting announcement.
Property might be theft. But the housing market is murder. Coming soon from @andrewhunterm, a pulsating and grippingly original thriller about bent cops, mysterious houses and a group of young squatters facing deadly consequences. Signed Edition:
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Dear America. We have your president. If you do not send us $30,000,000, in unmarked bills, by 2000 hours BST on Friday, we will let him return to you.
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If I was worried about people comparing me to 1930s Germany, my next move probably wouldn't be to shut down all criticism on the national broadcasting service.
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“What’s the photo for again?” .“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”.“Ok great”
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I have just completed a minor household task which I have been putting off for 18 months. It took me 15 minutes. Will I learn from this? I will not.
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Very rare to see the full version of this Mussolini quote
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Saw this and thought it was that billionaire who's trying to live to 200.
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If the BBC don't count down on New Year's Eve using this video then what is the point of anything.
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Oh my god. I’ve just realised the Williams sisters are literally Tennis-y Williams.
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He should be tried, imprisoned, and digitally removed from Home Alone 2.
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'How drunk were you last night?' .'Mate, I got absolutely pixelated'
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Find someone who looks at you the way Nadhim Zahawi looks at whoever is most likely to be in charge of the Conservative Party next.
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I’m at Oliver Cromwell’s house this afternoon, and I’m not sure he would have been *totally* on board with the decor??
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To prove that Boris Johnson is fit to be Prime Minister, please join my rally TODAY. We meet at noon in the middle of the Garden Bridge.
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Guys, buy shares in Vibranium NOW.
US government lists fictional nation Wakanda as trade partner
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A lot of people chanting 'Stop the count!', I gather. Give or take a letter, I'm chanting the exact same thing.
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Boris Johnson should be allowed to throw his wedding party in any one of the 40 new hospitals he promised at the last election. He can even pick which one.
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Journalism secret: each half of a New York Times headline is written by two guys, but neither is allowed to see what the other one has written
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Robert what the hell nobody was suggesting this
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"They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the - sorry, there's the helicopter. Dave, you finish this"
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Oh I see, when Guillermo del Toro does it, suddenly it's Best Picture, but when I do it, it's "breaching aquarium policy".
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This has very strong "Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive" energy
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Government: cleaners are allowed but not your parents . Me:
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You didn't see Boris Johnson clocking off as prime minister to spend Friday nights with his children, but to be fair, the logistics would have been almost impossible.
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Bet those women who claimed they didn't want no scrubs are feeling pretttttty silly now.
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A lot of people are saying this is foul, commercial garbage, but this tree is actually a traditional gift from the state of Haribo to thank Britain for its aid in the first Tangfastic war (1897-9). Educate yourself people!
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This is monstrous. Fatima has literally just finished retraining in cyber
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He must have had a good barista.
Man given suspended sentence for throwing coffee cup at Nigel Farage
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Easy for him to say, he gets to retire in 5 weeks.
If you've worked your whole life, you should have dignity and security in retirement.
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Update: it’s not getting *better*
Friend got us a lovely candle and holder a week ago. Since then, this has happened. Don’t know what to do. Can’t stop laughing
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Can't believe the Telegraph have unearthed that the leader of the Labour party has a history of left-wing views. Devastating. Can't see him coming back from this.
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Raab resigns, presumably to spend more time with a children’s atlas.
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Just wish we'd had any indication that there was a weird gambling culture at the top of the Conservative party :(
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Three years ago, walking along the street, I had an idea for a story. And now I’ve just popped into my local bookshop, and it’s actually a reality. The only thing you can’t see in this photo is how much my hands were shaking. I’m so happy.
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HAVE YOU BEEN INVOLVED IN A COUP THAT WASN'T YOUR FAULT?
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If there was a Netflix category of 'Films that are 90-95 minutes long but not solely due to budgetary constraints' I would never watch anything else.
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This is surely the least effective 'hush money' ever paid to anybody in history.
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This morning, in a cafe, I politely asked someone playing videos out loud on his phone, quite close to my head, if he had any headphones. He stopped. A better world is possible and I’ve never felt so alive.
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We all remember the bit where Jesus tear-gassed the Mount so he could deliver his sermon on it.
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And the same to you and your families!.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas🎄.
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Guns don't kill people, Supreme Court Justices do.
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Oh, so *now* the Conservatives want to have a second vote about something that was clearly a fucking stupid idea the first time round.
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Revenge is a dish best served absolutely batshit mental.
UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson fires Cabinet Minister Michael Gove .
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This never would have happened under Lord Buckethead.
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But I stress I'm not a communications expert and the government have probably thought this through much more carefully than me!.
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Living in the UK, I've never had to wait more than ten minutes to vote. Seeing footage of people being forced to wait for hours on end, *not even on election day*, to take part in the absolute base unit of democracy, is unbelievably strange and disconcerting.
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Going through some old bookmarks and found this Indy headline from 2006. I think it's one of the funniest headlines ever.
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Somewhere, Rishi Sunak is looking at his sheet with 'Big Wednesday announcement: compulsory Geography lessons until age of 25' and thinking 'this is going to absolutely kill'.
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My greatest fear? That the menswear guy finds a picture of me in a suit and for some reason decides to do a thread about it.
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If anyone is in need of a secure place below -80 Celsius to store the vaccine, I can honestly recommend my parents' spare room.
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Bit weird not to see Keir Starmer on the Sunday Times Rich List, especially after he bought his elderly mother a field to house the donkeys she cared for in old age.
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Senior Trojans announce: “WE MUST LET THIS NICE BIG HORSE INTO OUR CITY”.
Exclusive from @matt_dathan . Suella Braverman urges Conservatives to embrace Nigel Farage. ‘We need to, in the future, to find some way to work together because there shouldn’t be big differences between us. ‘I would welcome Nigel into the Conservative party. There’s not much.
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Spare a thought right now for Theresa May, who hasn't been able to stop laughing for nearly 24 hours.
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Too big
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Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
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You fools, staying up last night in terror and hope, when it turns out that tonight is the night to stay up in terror and hope.
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At least Thelma and Louise didn't have 60 million people in the back of their car.
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The Mail on Sunday is getting out the kind of graphics normally only used for a bombing raid on a Middle Eastern country
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Wearily adding 'indoor environments' to my list of 'woke'.
“A speech in the rain with some idiot blaring some music is one of the easier things he’s had to do…He’s a tough boy. Keir Starmer had to run off inside to do his speech”. @JamesCleverly reacts to @Peston saying he felt sorry for the PM during his election announcement. #Peston
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Such a relief to live in a country which appears to have over 20 million trained epidemiologists, all of them with Twitter accounts.
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Reminder: it's not yet six weeks since Matthew Parris made this forecast in the Times
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Four years ago we gathered around the microphone (just one) for the first time ever. Tonight, not only are we playing this sucker, we’ve got a microphone each. What a ride it’s been.
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Some Personnel News: at the end of Feb I’ll be leaving @qikipedia, the world’s greatest TV show, after 14 wonderful years. Spending my days truffling for interesting facts has been incredible. (I’m leaving the TV show but staying on @nosuchthing.).
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No smoking for the next generation, so they'll have clearer lungs to enjoy all the fossil fuel pollution.
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The good news is that children CAN return to full-time lessons from Monday, they just have to do them while riding Nemesis Inferno at Thorpe Park.
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Don't forget to come back in 18 months, when I will have completed item 2 on the list and have had this epiphany all over again.
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To be fair, the Welsh version of Paw Patrol is an absolute Bangor
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When you’re playing a video game and you’ve dressed your character in all the weird artefacts they picked up along the way
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Anyone who wants to leave a floral tribute to Boris Johnson should drop it off at any one of the forty new hospitals he promised us.
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WHY WHY WHY WOULD YOU NOT GO WITH 'PINATA INDUSTRY TAKES A BEATING'.
The piñata industry in Mexico has struggled amid restrictions on gatherings. The pain has been felt across the country. Some piñata makers have started making coronavirus-themed figures to help lift sales.
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“Good news everyone - the fire brigade are here and they’ve brought PETROL”.
Today we are saying no to @JustStop_Oil and their political wing the Labour Party . We will power ahead with new oil and gas because it’s in the best interests of the British people, of our economy and of our national security
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'Good news and bad news, sir'.'What's the good news?'.'The Wagner group have taken another city'.'Amazing! And the bad news?'.'It's one of ours'
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Think I preferred the original Craig David lyrics to be honest.
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Hat-tip to this morning's Times for the most unfortunate headline combo of the year: http://t.co/8EP94Hv8VI.
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Four years. Four dorks. Today's the fourth birthday for No Such Thing As A Fish! Happy birthday @Schreiberland, @JamesHarkin and #GetAnnaOnTwitter. And thank you all for listening to our dorkery all this time.
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GET THIS MAN A SILVER MEDAL.
71,000,000 Legal Votes. The most EVER for a sitting President!.
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Literally the only plausible element of this whole story is that Cummings has no friends nearer than Durham.
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I'd like to say my grandfather laid down his life during the War on Motorists (5th Nissan Division, saw action on the M40 front) and he'd be appalled to see it politicised like this.
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So, what’s your country like? .Oh, you know, just, uh, normal…
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Can’t believe this bearded, charismatic cult leader turned out to be a bit iffy around women
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The last word of this statement had better not be “podcast”
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Just wanted to announce I'm taking a brief break from Twitter to work on my next book and for the sake of my mental health. I'll be back within several hours, because I have the self-control of a four-year-old.
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A lot of medical experts are saying masks are no good against coronavirus. Not true. I’ve been wearing mine all morning and nobody has come anywhere near me
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Please join my new game: rating literary characters by whether or not they would have paid for a blue tick. Mr Wickham = tick .Darcy = no tick.Jay Gatsby = tick .Madam Bovary = tick .Matilda Wormwood = no tick.
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Well, Private Eye is going to write itself for the next three months.
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A lot of moralising on here today. Let he among us who has never been detained in a flat at 3am by some bad men and needed an emergency £5k cast the first stone.
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I'm afraid the reviews are in for your boyfriend's podcast
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Goddamnit, I left my BBC news Twitter feed on six-year-old mode again
Harry and Meghan hold hands
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Does anyone else remember when Musk ran a poll saying 'should I step down? I will abide by the results' and a large majority said 'yes please step down' and he just said 'ok interesting feedback thank you'.
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I will not believe Britain is a truly modern democracy until the Queen breaks off halfway through her speech to do an ad for Squarespace.
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Oh my god. I wrote this joke for @PrivateEyeNews three weeks ago. And now the President of the USA has gone one further. At least we know he’s a subscriber I guess
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Twice in the last week I have seen sinister ‘SHN’ signs chalked on the road near my house, and twice I have worried it’s a new local gang before realising I’m looking at it the wrong way up.
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At a museum with my parents. My mother has just tried to get me a discount, saying "He's a child". I turn 30 later this year. Send help.
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@alexbell @qikipedia Originally read this as 'murders' and thought - christ, I'm unobservant but I didn't realise I was *that* unobservant.
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The word “by” is so clearly an afterthought here it hurts
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