Jerry Lock
@jlock17
Followers
8,106
Following
8,050
Media
529
Statuses
72,208
Living in squalor, wish you were here. I’m fine with comments.
Squalor
Joined November 2012
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Pinned Tweet
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma's mind sharp. She's been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
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Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
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A cheap way to time travel is to fall asleep watching A Christmas Story on TBS then wake up several hours later at about the same place in the movie.
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@FightMate
As a former professional videographer, here’s a quick tip for making better videos: OMG JUST POINT THE FREAKING CAMERA AT THE ACTION AND HOLD THAT SHIT STILL UNTIL IT’S OVER.
You’re welcome.
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It's not often I'll read a church sign and think "That's what it's all about."
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I saw a coyote in the woods today. I thought it was a dog up until it stopped, looked straight at me and opened an umbrella just as a boulder fell on its head.
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When I take a shortcut that Google Maps isn’t showing, I want the voice to give me some acknowledgment like “Touché, nice route,” or “Hey, you really know your way around.”
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I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware.
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I FEEL SO ALIVE MCDONALD'S IS GIVING AWAY FREE COFFEE I PASSED 20 MCDONALD'S TODAY DO THE MATH TOO LATE I DID THE MATH SLEEP IS FOR MORTALS
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My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we've lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
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Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now, for the love of God, get your shit together.
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If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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Ever pick up & eat a crumb and realize it wasn't part of anything you're eating?
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
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If you want to know what the 70s were like, imagine an ashtray everywhere you see a cup holder.
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I burn at least 500 calories a day trying to figure out if ziplock bags are open or closed.
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This church sign has confused God with Ricky Bobby. Happens a lot.
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Was on a bus & we lost cellphone coverage. An hour later, we had split into two rival tribes, and I hit Piggy in the head with a rock.
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When I suggest we eat pizza and someone says "No, I had pizza yesterday," I nod like I understand, but I don't.
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I was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, Ghost of Christmas Present and Ghost of Christmas Past Participle. It was a tense night.
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Subway only exists because we're all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
"Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here's $8."
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So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear "Go towards the light."
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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
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Just added “lord of the dance”to my résumé. Nobody double-checks that crap.
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I'm going to buy a 3D printer, print out another 3D printer, then take it back to the store and get a refund. I'm like a money genius.
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@michaelianblack
Somewhere there’s a half-Mexican kid with a bad combover who can’t understand why he hates other Mexicans.
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Would a laundry detergent pod work in a dishwasher? I’m really trying to avoid going to the store.
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My ancestors didn't walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
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THEY ARE NOT BOTS. THOSE ARE REAL, BEAUTIFUL, VIBRANT WOMEN LOOKING FOR LOVE WHO REALLY ENJOY MY COMMENTS. STOP THE NAME CALLING. LEAVE MY GFs ALONE.
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When they stick a port-a-potty on a vacant lot, can just anybody use those?
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I'm eating at the McDonald's in WalMart just in case you didn't know rock bottom has a basement.
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don't have a free hand to break them up.
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I checked the ingredients on an everything bagel, and it’s not everything, not even close.
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I have a bottle of Worcestershire sauce in my refrigerator that has been in my family at least three generations.
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I don't know whose kid this is, but there can only be one alpha male in this bounce castle.
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When I was 11, I ordered X-ray glasses from a comic book. I gave a lot of people cancer. Things weren't that well regulated back then.
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I used a fake ID to get a third shot. I’m looking at 130-140% immunity.
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So I spit, “I’m poppin’ caps like you’re Old Yeller, just bendin’ spoons like I’m Uri Geller,” and my rap coach at the community college said I should work on updating my references.
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Everyone loves veggie sausage, but no one wants to see how it gets made. They use EVERY part of a zucchini, and I mean every part.
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Smoke was boiling out the window of the car in front of me at the red light. I jumped out, ran over and pulled the driver to the street. He said “That’s not fire, I was vaping,” and I said “I know,” and smacked him.
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I use a different deodorant under each arm. Choose your own adventure.
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Someone's in my bathroom. Could be my wife, OR COULD BE A BURGLAR! I'll shoot through the door a few times & let God sort it out.
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Rice does nothing to help a wet phone, and I would argue the teriyaki sauce worsens the problem.
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We only say karma is a bitch because karma is a woman. If karma was a man, we'd say karma is assertive and demonstrates decisive leadership.
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Every time someone checks your street cred, it lowers your street cred score.
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Statistically, you're more likely to be killed with a sword if you pronounce the "w" in sword.
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The local Burger King is "accepting applications for entry level management," which I guess would be like a Burger Duke or Burger Lord.
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@IndichtyKeen
@Imposter_Edits
All rednecks claim without any proof they had a great-grandmother who was full or half Native American. The lore usually includes a description of a woman with high cheekbones and straight black hair, you know, Cher.
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It's hard to pull off credible road rage with reindeer antlers on your car.
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I've stopped texting "K" and started texting "L" instead so I don't have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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I signed up for fiddle lessons in case my musical skills are ever needed to defeat Satan.
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I just cut my own hair with our new dog clippers. Mistakes were made and lessons learned, but I feel more confident about trying it on the dogs now.
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If you're about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say "WHO'S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET A BATH!" and he'll run away and hide.
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Yes, I laid a large blue tarp in my backyard and surrounded it with cardboard so it'd look like we have a pool on Google Earth.
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My net worth is somewhere between $4 billion and $575.89. A lot hinges on the current value of a Braves’ Bob Horner rookie card and whether a Chevy van in the backyard still runs.
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I usually have a whole other meal eaten by the time the oven preheats.
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@JadeJurek
@02deebo
My Evangelical relatives were upset I followed my mom’s wishes and had her cremated. Apparently, God can easily resurrect a buried, gutted corpse filled with formaldehyde, but can’t reassemble a container of ashes.
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If you count watching Elmer Fudd singing "Kill The Wabbit," then yes, I've been to the opera.
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I was finally awarded "World's Best Dad," then Steve Harvey took it back and gave it to the mailman.
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I’ve seen more than a few clips on paranormal investigation shows involving ghosts apparently sitting in chairs, so I guess you can still get tired after you’re dead. This shit never ends.
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Zoos would feel less sad if they posted on the outside of the enclosures what each of the animals was arrested for.
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Hitchhiking used to be more popular before people got so uptight about being buried in a desert.
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In the 80s, once an argument became an actual fight, a bystander would loudly announce, “It’s on like Donkey Kong.”
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I ate fries without ketchup just like Bear Grylls on his survival show.
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No matter where I'm at, if someone asks for salt & pepper, I start singing "Push It."
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I call my wife "honey" because "bee vomit" isn't that romantic.
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When Walmart replaced their cashiers with self-checkouts, they replaced their greeters with people who stare at you menacingly as you leave.
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In my 50s, it has occurred to me that in my 30s the people I thought were in their 50s were actually in their 70s.
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If a woman ever asked me to choke her, I'd give her my shoebox of recalled Happy Meal toys and just kinda let things happen.
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I fairly urgently need to know where my property lines are in three dimensions. Where does my airspace end, and how far can I bore into the earth's mantle?
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
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Regularly taking a multi-B vitamin may one day save my life if I need to use my neon yellow urine like a flare.
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On the trails you don’t use your real name. Hikers give you a nickname based on something that happened in the wild. In this world I’m Jerry, but out there, where I’m most at home, they call me Diarrhea.
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I want my city to get its own CSI show before all the best Who songs are taken.
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Convenience fees... for paying online? Oh, you mean like where I magically zap money into your account at the speed of light without your paid staff having to touch, count or deposit it? Thanks, assholes.
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I cut a lot of the sugar from my diet, and I'm feeling much more energetic. Like right now, I feel like I could fight any number of people at once for a cinnamon raisin biscuit.
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I know if I could just write that one special tweet, things would finally turn around for me and my family. I just know they would.
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Everyone clapped when our plane landed, and continued clapping, then we held up our phones until finally the pilot took off again and did an encore landing. We left satisfied.
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I avoided losing money when the economy collapsed in 2008 by strategically being broke by 2007.
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THE EYES ARE THE CREEPIEST PART OF OLD DOLLS, AND REMOVING THEM DOES NOT, I REPEAT, DOES NOT DECREASE THE CREEPINESS.
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Attention: Person who used the porta potty before me. See your doctor. Soon. Real soon. Yesterday soon.
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@wascaleywabbit
@acidmantleco
@How2Drink
You could add him to the band and fire three people, four if he owns a van.
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If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
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I saw a sign in front of a house that said DRIVE LIKE YOUR KIDS LIVE HERE. There were a couple of little kids in their driveway, so I slowed down and yelled at them to stay the hell away from the road. It takes a village.
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