When your cat wants to go to the Eminem concert, but he's still grounded for eating all of the houseplants. http://t.co/HmJZBb59E2

RT @rickygervais: The fact that Trump has lifted President Obama's ban on elephant trophies being imported into the country is a devastatin…

Harvey Weinstein's punishment should involve hogties, hot bacon grease, and a couple of ball hungry pitbull's formerly owned by Michael Vick

RT @TheCatWhisprer: [changing a flat tire] whoa is this crossfit? am i crossfitting right now?

RT @ericsshadow: hostess: is a booth okay? abraham lincoln: how dare you

Going to a funeral with a hangover because of course I am..

Just told my kid to wait a damn minute for his cereal so I could finish watching a video of a bunny wearing a cowboy hat on Instagram. Help.

RT @TheCatWhisprer: I always get a little BBQ sauce on my Fitbit to remind it who's boss.

RT @LizHackett: I don't understand the controversy. El Chapo's blouse is clearly gold and white.

Decisions, decisions..

RT @MatCro: GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

RT @FattMernandez: Who's the fax machine player in Skrillex?

RT @LosFelizDaycare: "Jingle Bells" is a song that celebrates reckless behavior, careless laughter and the exploitation of animals. Not in …

RT @ericsshadow: [christmas party] HOST: you 2 have kids? ME: yes 9 & 11 WIFE: *kicks me* ME: 7 & 9 WIFE: you're kidding right? ME: 6 & 10?…

RT @TheCatWhisprer: STAR WARS SPOILER ALERT: calm down you're 40.

My biggest fear in life right now is the media getting a hold of my new drivers license photo if I go missing.

When your kid is a bigger smart ass than you are.