[watching fireworks]
Me:
Every damn person around me: oh this is the finale
Me: ..
[fireworks continue]
Every damn person around me: ok wait THIS is the finale
Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
to watch the day bleed
It bleeds so much
I was getting kinda used to living in a world where days don’t bleed.
If you give a mouse a cookie he’ll start realizing there’s more to life than making money and having sex. He’ll start to appreciate the little things like fresh bed sheets and stop signs that have been run over.
I love in an improv show when someone says the specific make and model of a car the whole audience starts laughing so damn hard they pass out and freaking die.
I love that.
*tipping me after I make balloons for his wife and kids*
MAN-I’m sorry this is all I have..it has profanity on it
ME- that’s.. ok?
MAN- I’m so sorry...there’s profanity on it
ME: um
MAN: I didn’t want to give it to our nice old waitress and it’s all I have left i’m-
For sale!!! This custom fingerboard my ex bought me 4 months before she got engaged to her meditation instructor she told me not to worry about! Really nice shape// carries some haunting memories. $40 OBO
Chicago is awesome cause there will be some improv show where everyone takes a gas station Boner pill then does long form and nobody is in the audience and it’s the greatest comedy show of all time
Just found out it’s my responsibility as former class president to plan all of our highschool reunions...which is very exciting. I have big plans for the Glenbrook North class of 2013! I plan to never see any of you ever again!
President Priz OUT!!
Imagine being violently hungover but you have to go make balloons at a one year olds birthday party in an hour. Ha ha that would be nuts if someone had to do that in real life