is that keri?
@itiskeri
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rip dracula u would have loved going down a water slide flat on your back arms crossed over your chest
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back to bed. which is to say i was already in bed i’m simply descending into a deeper more nuanced level of the bed experience
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me being told I can do anything vs me actually trying to do it
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show a woman a picture of bob mortimer to calm her down instantly
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bit cheeky of David Cameron to take an anti immigrant stance when he himself immigrated here from the depths of Hell
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when u just got dumped & ur best friend is like "stop, i'm coming over, i'm bringing bananas. ur gonna get thru this"
http://t.co/GdPOHMAbuN
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oh u thought these were plain white socks? that's fucking funny bitch it's fucking kermit the fucking frog
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*barenaked ladies voice* iiiit's been *sinead o'connor voice* 7 hours and 15 days
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pokemon should get cuter when they evolve. where’s the incentive. i don’t want to it to evolve into something that looks like it would call me a bitch
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Hot single girls in your area ready to describe your flaws in blistering literary detail just the way you like it
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I'm not even as smart as a duck. For example, I do not know how to get free bread from strangers and this is not through lack of trying.
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it’s not too late to enter into a loveless relationship with me where we invite a younger couple over for dinner and expose them to the horrors of our soul
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body types; hourglass, pear, crushed beer can, orb, 14 bricks, losing lottery ticket, splash on VHS, zero gravity wheelbarrow, a bat.
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barbie could invent the atomic bomb but oppenheimer couldn’t scissor with his friends
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I once met a nice German girl who didn't know the word for foal so she said "horse puppy" instead
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me publicly: stop objectifying female athletes!
me privately: I want the women's hockey team to beat me to death with their hockey sticks
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i am being very not insane when u take into consideration how insane i wanna be being
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do one thing every day that scares you! like for me its waking up
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person with every privilege in the world thinks you should just try enjoying life more
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I just want you next to me and stroking my hair while I astral project into the CIA headquarters
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*emerges from the ocean* im on a sea weed diet... I see weed, and I smoke it *slowly walks backwards into the ocean*
http://t.co/YYkz0MsID3
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true crime podcast girls don’t scare me. honey i listen to doughboys
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Imagine the whole world was silk and we all wore silk outfits and we wouldn't need transport we could just slide everywhere. Luxury.
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pls stop asking me if i have 7 boyfriends for each day of the week. i have 7 bc the 8th pretended to be a bowling ball and got sucked into the bowling bowl mechanism and died
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by age 30 you should know your dragon name, what colour your scales are and what dragon powers you have
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what do I have to do to get a boyfriend. do I have to listen to radiohead? I would rather die in hell
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me after taking one vitamin: finally I am ready to begin my new perfect life and never have a problem again
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I'm watchin hellboy and thinking.... what does hellboys dick look like. and how would he support me emotionally
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can i come over and talk at you about what i did today in my video game as if it was something that happened to me irl
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Steel shmeel. I want abs of feel. Don't give me biceps. Give me cry-ceps. Bro, do you even gift, just to show you care?
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*requires a basic level of kindness and reassurance* ugh sorry that I'm so high maintenance
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all i wanna do is [gunshot x 4, cash register noise] watch flubber on netflix
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I know how 2 sext just say what my cat is doin but use the word 'pussy'. My pussy is hungry. My pussy is chasing a laser. My pussy threw up
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stay in school kids. never leave the school. you run the school now. eat the teachers. give detention to their skeletons
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the choker hides my tattoo. it's the lyrics to monster mash (I'm a very spiritual person)
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hi i’m a victorian child. i saw your posts and they didn’t kill me but they didn’t help
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closing my eyes and perfectly picturing an apple that hates me
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trump and brexit have legitimised racism. hate crime has risen by 41% in Britain. the systemic validation of hatred isn't theory: it kills
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Jeremy Corbyn heard I was on my period and he handed me a kitkat and a packet of nurofen
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there’s nothing wrong with being a one trick pony. that’s actually a decent amount of tricks for a pony
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I hate the term "alt left" it reminds me of my husband Alt, who left me
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listen I might have a flat chest and a flat arse, but I've also got a massively horrible personality
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a man saw me eating leftover noodles with my bare hands and he probably wasn't even expecting to fall in love today
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oh pikachu you're so cute, i hope u never do drug- PIKACHU NO!!!!
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i’m different my suffering isn’t rooted in desire it’s rooted in other cooler stuff
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There's nothing sexier than a man holding a baby. Where did he get this baby? So mysterious.
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when he has you wrapped around his little finger and you're loving every minute of it 🙏
http://t.co/jSMTsG6ERu
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Worst thing about being a woman is that it's pretty hard (but not impossible) to fuck a pizza. Also, Cosmo will not accept my pizza article.
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*sleeps on the other side of the bed for one night* I love adventure and travelling
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I can't BELIEVE I'm bein held responsible for the things I SAY and DO
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asked my niece how old she thought my gameboy was. she said 60 years old
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coming out of my cage and going back in my cage i’m overwhelmed
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I love to scream but let's not forget about my other favourite, yelling
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ugh crushes were so much simpler when I was young you'd just make a sim of them, put them in a pool and drown them
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I can't remember what it's like to be held by someone who loves you but i imagine it's probably shit and boring
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wow choosing ur best tweet is a real Sophie's choice if she hated her kids and was ashamed of them
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im a simple woman all i want is a little cottage to be insane in
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why are men's feet so mingin. men's feet look like someone fed a woman's foot after midnight
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me: asks for reassurance
you: gives it
me: that doesn't count bc I asked for it
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when ur boyf is hotter than u & u try not to be insecure and just trust that he loves u
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i’ve decided to stop being a single woman in my 30s and start being a ancient isopod from pangea instead
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not to brag but I have personally turned several shitty experiences into fun little anecdotes
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why didn’t aragorn simply transform into a car called caragorn and drive the hobbits up mordor
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